Hair of the Dog - Cincinnasti Edition (Texans/Bengals)

So the Texans lost again on what was probably their last best chance to win a game again this season, thus dropping the team to 4-11 on the year. That’s the bad news.

The good news? There’s only four more quarters of this left to sit through before we can put this season behind us once and for all and begin the long overdue process of rebuilding the team under a new (I hope) regime and a new way forward.

Four more quarters until we can begin speculating in earnest about who our next coach and general manager will be. Four more quarters until the losing stops. Four more quarters until we can do what we have learned to do best: draft prognosticating. Sure we don’t have a first or second round pick, but we can at least prognosticate about the rest of the draft; because mid and late round draft picks are as important, if not more important than, early round picks.

We can do it, gang. We can get the wooden spoon betwixt our teeth and get through one more game. I believe in you and so does Kubiak.

Let’s get to this week’s dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work.

Four more quarters.

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

UprootedTexan at 11:58

Welcome to what is probably our last chance for a win this season and definitely the last chance for a win this year.

l4blitzer at 11:59 AM

And to think that calendar year 2020 stared with that Wild Card win vs. BUF...it truly was all downhill from there

UprootedTexan at 12:01 PM

Between the pandemic making time meaningless and the general badness of this season’s team, that wild card game feels like centuries ago now.

l4blitzer at 12:02 PM

Texans will start on O...maybe they actually score on the opening drive???? Oh, who am I kidding. We’ll be lucky to avoid a 3 and out.

UprootedTexan at 12:03 PM

LOL, my stream has an infomercial running!

FIRST QUARTER:

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:03 PM

I’m loving the color rush.

KAHALE TOUCHES

l4blitzer at 12:05 PM

As for actually rushing, well, DJ with the CHUM

UprootedTexan at 12:05 PM

Ah, another day, another opening three and out.

(Bengals first possession)

l4blitzer at 12:07 PM

I see the defense is playing down to form

UprootedTexan at 12:09 PM

Good hit by Adams there.

l4blitzer at 12:10 PM

Not sure if it a good thing that Reid has been so active on tackles so far

UprootedTexan at 12:10 PM

Things you love to hear: that your rookie has no awareness of the field during a pass rush.

Carlos Flores at 12:11 PM

Zach Cunningham goofed hard.

(Easy Bengals touchdown. Bengals lead 7-0)

l4blitzer at 12:12 PM

I should be ticked but at this point, I am just numb...

UprootedTexan at 12:13 PM

I take back everything I said about the last chance to win.*

*I reserve the right to go back on this at any time.

Oh I stopped feeling things about the Texans getting clowned on defense months ago.

l4blitzer at 12:15 PM

Radio guys raging about how we keep giving up scores to open games

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:16 PM

Christian Covington is going to rip our hearts out.

UprootedTexan at 12:17 PM

Are the Bengals the Ghosts of Texans Past?

They sure have a lot of our castoffs

Kenneth L. at 12:17 PM

[Durga] you have to catch that ba

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

Aw man, CHAD, come on, you’re better than that.

Kenneth L. at 12:18 PM

“he

(Bengals second possession)

Joe Critz at 12:18 PM

Hope u guys had a good Christmas

UprootedTexan at 12:18 PM

Brace for impact!

Kenneth L. at 12:18 PM

“he” is here...

UprootedTexan at 12:19 PM

Pretty good. My calves are killing me because of one of my presents, though.

Kenneth L. at 12:19 PM

im pretty sure im allergic to this city... every time i come back home my skins and allergies freak out

Joe Critz at 12:20 PM

Bro those leg exercises are ROUGH

some levels have you do tons of squats

UprootedTexan at 12:20 PM

That’s not even the leg exercises! That’s just from the jogging.

Joe Critz at 12:20 PM

I couldn’t walk for a good 20 minutes after one

The jogging is fun sometimes but SUCKS other times haha

Once you get to that leg world the jogging will be ur favorite part

UprootedTexan at 12:22 PM

[Durga] [kitten] this defense sucks.

Hoo boy I’m not looking forward to doing squats.

Joe Critz at 12:23 PM

Hahaha

Cincinnati bout to beat both of my teams

What kinda hell is this

Kenneth L. at 12:23 PM

i knew that screen was coming

UprootedTexan at 12:23 PM

I don’t know but one or more of us must have done something really special awful to get this.

Kenneth L. at 12:24 PM

mic check....

AJ Green is not what he used to be

UprootedTexan at 12:25 PM

LOLOLOL, I love it when they catch bad words on mic.

Kenneth L. at 12:25 PM

i wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t find a team next year

bigfatdrunk at 12:25 PM

Not getting the game in Austin. Again.

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball)

(Texans third possession)

Kenneth L. at 12:28 PM

cooksy baby

UprootedTexan at 12:28 PM

Love how Keion Crossen is celebrating like he had something to do with that overthrown ball.

Wooooooooooooooooow, that was beautiful!

Matt Weston at 12:30 PM

lol [Durga] [kitten] just throw it to Warring

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

We’re gonna kick a field goal, aren’t we?

Matt Weston at 12:31 PM

psssshhh, come on Deshuan, give him a chance

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

Warring already got his one catch of the game.

Matt Weston at 12:31 PM

COWARD FIELD GOAL

UprootedTexan at 12:31 PM

[Durga][kitten]it, Texans.

bigfatdrunk at 12:31 PM

Cowards.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks a wimp-out 21-yard field goal. Bengals lead 7-3)

(Bengals third possession)

UprootedTexan at 12:32 PM

Nobody should be back from this coaching staff next year.

Joe Critz at 12:34 PM

Lets go 3 points!!!!

Kenneth L. at 12:34 PM

that is a fact

clean the [KITTEN] house

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

Has coulter been in at all yet

UprootedTexan at 12:36 PM

If he has, I haven’t seen him.

Kenneth L. at 12:36 PM

i also believe that Mercilus, McKinney, Watkins, Moore Jr., Martin, and both Johnson RBs will need to go

Joe Critz at 12:36 PM

Oh no wait he’s inactive I forgot

Lmao how can this team expect to win without coulter

Time to close the franchise

UprootedTexan at 12:37 PM

Well if The CHAD Hansen would get the butter off his fingers, we might be doing better.

Matt Weston at 12:37 PM

Vernon Hargreaves III committing a DPI penalty to cover AJ Green is peak week 16

SECOND QUARTER:

UprootedTexan at 12:37 PM

I’m having a hard time imagining spending money and risking COVID to go out to NRG Stadium and watching this Texans team. Yet, here we are.

Joe Critz at 12:42 PM

Brandon Allen would be a good backup next year

Wow yeah really

Who’s coming to this game

UprootedTexan at 12:44 PM

The “real fans of the Texans” or something.

Carlos Flores at 12:44 PM

Debbie The Texan

Kenneth L. at 12:44 PM

i am not

no way

my dad is picking up pinkerton’s BBQ for us. anyone have it before?

UprootedTexan at 12:45 PM

Not sure I’ve even heard of it, to be honest.

But then that part of town is way away from where I grew up.

Kenneth L. at 12:47 PM

its a fair drive for us too

Matt Weston at 12:47 PM

We aren’t doing this ‘Keion Crossen is good’ thing

(Bengals field good is no good! Bengals lead 7-3)

l4blitzer at 12:48 PM

Imagine how bad this would be if CIN was actually good...or even had Joe Burrow?

UprootedTexan at 12:48 PM

They’re going to try like hell.

Eeep.

Matt Weston at 12:50 PM

Joe Burrow is similar to Alex Smith and no one wants to admit it.

Kenneth L. at 12:50 PM

boys the Jets go up two possessions on the browns

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

Might as well CHUM! CHUM!!

l4blitzer at 12:51 PM

Jacksonville is celebrating right now...

UprootedTexan at 12:51 PM

Go ahead and CHUM!

Kenneth L. at 12:51 PM

false - the Jags just tied the bears

what if they both know that Trevor Lawrence is a flop and don’t want to get the 1st overall pick....

wouldn’t that be something

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

If they finish tied, they should be forced to play each other in a final game, whoever loses gets the first overall pick. It would be terrible but extremely funny to watch.

l4blitzer at 12:53 PM

It would be so 2020 for Lawrence to decide to stay one more season at Clemson....even if he announces that in 2021

Matt Weston at 12:53 PM

Denver trading Christian Covington to Cincinnati for Austin Calitro before either one played a snap for their own team has to be the most inconsequential trade in NFL history

Carlos Flores at 12:53 PM

Qvale is down.

Mike Devlin: “Look at how they massacred my boy”.

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

I’m just looking forward to everybody looking at their calendars on New Year’s Day only to see it’s March 291st, 2020.

Carlos Flores at 12:55 PM

Also, I just watched The Godfather (part 1) for the first time yesterday. I don’t quite get the hubbub. It was a pioneer, but it just didn’t hook.

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

Devlin: I love my big dumb son! I love my big dumb son!

I haven’t ever been able to bring myself to watch The Godfather.

l4blitzer at 12:56 PM

If it was Phillip Tattaglia saying that. Devlin couldn’t even outfight Santino after the shootout at the tollbooth

Carlos Flores at 12:56 PM

Mike Devlin has the mental capacity of present-day Marlon Brando.

UprootedTexan at 12:56 PM

Lulz

Wait, when did Tunsil get injured?

Kenneth L. at 12:57 PM

i think last week

l4blitzer at 12:57 PM

It’s Heck time, baby!!!

UprootedTexan at 12:57 PM

Oh, the way they were talking on TV it sounded like it happened today.

Kenneth L. at 12:57 PM

nm that was howard

Matt Weston at 12:57 PM

HECK YEAH

Kenneth L. at 12:58 PM

no

heck....no

UprootedTexan at 12:58 PM

Oh hell Tunsil’s in the medical tent

Kenneth L. at 12:58 PM

Matt knows my feelings about Heck

UprootedTexan at 12:58 PM

Everything’s coming up Weston in this game.

Kenneth L. at 12:58 PM

He is the Hodor of the Houston Texans.

(Bengals fourth possession)

l4blitzer at 12:59 PM

Foot injury for Tunsil

Matt Weston at 12:59 PM

lol all I had to say about Heck is he’s a project swing tackle who could provide alright play at RT but needs time to play LT, if he could ever even do it. Idk what a Hodor is.

UprootedTexan at 12:59 PM

At least we still have Nick Martin, we can always count on him.

Kenneth L. at 1:00 PM

watching ross blacklock play is embarrassing

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

I know this is basically just one season and these rookies have gotten virtually no playing time, but is this the worst rookie class in Texans history?

l4blitzer at 1:01 PM

Our secondary...the greatest gift to any quarterback it plays against...

Matt Weston at 1:02 PM

I’m glad AJ Green is going to get one more game before he is sent to the glue factory

Better or worse than Zach Fulton?

Carlos Flores at 1:03 PM

Brandon Allen normally:

Brandon Allen against the Texans

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

LOLOLOL, [Durga] [kitten]ing [kitten].

Carlos Flores at 1:04 PM

It’s uncanny. Give me Su’a Filo.

UprootedTexan at 1:04 PM

The Bengals CHUM almost as much as the Texans do.

Yeah, if we’re going to have incompetent guard play, at least Sua Filo is cheaper.

l4blitzer at 1:05 PM

At least this game is moving quickly, relatively...

Matt Weston at 1:05 PM

Thank [DURGA the Texans kicked that field goal

(Bengals field goal. Bengals lead 10-3)

(Texans fifth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

Wait, is Beercan around?

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

Yeah, he’s the Bengals kicker.

Has been for years.

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOO NOT WATSON

UprootedTexan at 1:09 PM

Aw man.

Carlos Flores at 1:09 PM

I thought I saw someone else on kickoff lol

Matt Weston at 1:10 PM

lmao Charlie Heck is playing RG

UprootedTexan at 1:10 PM

MEDIC!!!

Matt Weston at 1:10 PM

lmao nevermind he’s back at RT

Carlos Flores at 1:10 PM

Chad Hansen is the best corner we have. Yes, put the 7’10 man at guard.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

UprootedTexan at 1:15 PM

Brandin Cooks is no DeAndre Hopkins but he’s definitely not terrible.

Carlos Flores at 1:15 PM

He had a nice little burst there, let’s see if he keeps it up.

Nice, great throw by Watson too.

l4blitzer at 1:18 PM

Ok, we haven’t completely mailed it in

(Watson to Cooks for the touchdown! Game tied 10-10)

(Bengals fifth possession)

Matt Weston at 1:19 PM

I really don’t like Cooks. He doesn’t have the speed he use to have to win vertical routes. Everything he runs are deep crossers that take forever to open up. I hope they cut him next offseason, or trade him for anything.

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:23 PM

Qvale being evaluated for concussion.

(Bengals sixth possession)

Matt Weston at 1:27 PM

I’m having way too much fun watching Charlie Heck play RT. I may need to admit myself into the psych ward.

UprootedTexan at 1:28 PM

Yeah THAT’S why you need to be admitted.

(Game tied 10-10. Bengals to receive second half kickoff.)

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 1:30 PM

Cooks is good Matt just hates to admit he out dueled Hopkins every time they were on the same field

Okay I’m joking I can’t say that haha

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

Thank [Durga].

Joe Critz at 1:31 PM

Cooks is good tho this is just an odd year

But so was last year so idk anymore

I don’t like that Cincinnati is moving up and down the field so easily

Brandon Allen is def a decent backup time to invest

l4blitzer at 1:35 PM

Dumb game between two teams that are playing out the string. At least CIN can dream of high draft picks. Not sure if the Texans oline will last the rest of the season at this rate.

Matt Weston at 1:37 PM

Cooks is good, but he isn’t $12 million good. He isn’t a deep threat anymore. He’s tiny. He’s always a big hit away from disappearing. He shouldn’t be on this team next season.

THIRD QUARTER:

(Bengals seventh possession)

UprootedTexan at 1:42 PM

Holy crap the roof’s open again!

Matt Weston at 1:44 PM

Do you think you could?

A. Catch a pass against Vernon Hargreaves III B. Tackle David Johnson C. Get a pressure against Zach Fulton D. Make Tyrell Adams miss

(Bengals touchdown. Bengals lead 17-10.)

UprootedTexan at 1:45 PM

No, but I think I’d probably have the best chance at C, maybe B.

Great news gentlemen, the McRib is back. Our national nightmare is over.

(Texans seventh possession)

C.......H.......U.......M........

Joe Critz at 1:51 PM

PAIN

Matt Weston at 1:52 PM

I would pick A. I’d just run a slant route and be 8” taller than him

(David Johnson runs for the touchdown! No you aren’t reading that wrong! Game tied 17-17.)

(Bengals eighth possession)

Matt Weston at 1:57 PM

If only the Texans gave the ball to David Johnson more this season. They might have been a playoff team.

UprootedTexan at 1:57 PM

See, this is why we have the men in white coats on speed dial, Matt.

Matt Weston at 2:00 PM

Oh, those people, those are my best friends

Imagine calling a rub that draws an OPI to try and get your receiver open against Hargreaves. Just run the [kitten] vertical.

UprootedTexan at 2:00 PM

Gotta love the Bengals getting penalized for something they didn’t even need to do in order to get the first down.

Matt Weston at 2:01 PM

Gotta love the collective unconsciousness we are both swimming in

lmao that’s the same seam route T.Y. Hilton caught Houston with last week.

(Bengals touchdown. Bengals lead 24-17.)

Matt Weston at 2:04 PM

Jonathan Vilma casually slinging “elite throws” because no one is listening and no one is watching this game except for the mentally ill who don’t have a solid understanding of what words mean for the collective and instead are a solipsistic variety unique to each absurd individual

UprootedTexan at 2:05 PM

I can say big words too, you know.

(Texans eighth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:08 PM

Uh, are we...are we actually running the football effectively?

UprootedTexan at 2:08 PM

WITH DAVID JOHNSON NO LESS?!?!

l4blitzer at 2:09 PM

Never thought I would be saying this, but why are we abandoning the run in the last few plays?

UprootedTexan at 2:10 PM

Because it’s working.

This field goal is going to be great.

Carlos Flores at 2:12 PM

They had better CHUM it on 3rd and goal. I won’t be satisfied otherwise.

(Watson to David Johnson for the touchdown! Game tied again 24-24.)

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

Guess you’re not gonna be satisfied Carlos.

Carlos Flores at 2:14 PM

The universe won’t allow it.

l4blitzer at 2:14 PM

Great, we now have a stupid shootout between two bad teams...the dumbness knows no bounds

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

We need to embrace the stupidity.

l4blitzer at 2:15 PM

Since we are Texans fans and checking in on all of their games this season, I think we check that box

UprootedTexan at 2:17 PM

David Johnson now has seven touchdowns to DeAndre Hopkins’ six. Therefore David Johnson is clearly better than DeAndre Hopkins.

::kills myself::

Please come back DeAndre, we can make it work again.

(Bengals ninth possession)

FOURTH QUARTER:

l4blitzer at 2:19 PM

All these CIN penalties are just giving them a chance to pad their offensive stats...this is where our defense is now.

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

Sigh...

Joe Critz at 2:22 PM

The Cincinnati’s are Cincinnaughty!

If you know what I mean

UprootedTexan at 2:23 PM

Cincinnasti?

Joe Critz at 2:23 PM

YES

BEST ONE

Matt Weston at 2:25 PM

Is Jamarcus Russell the worst quarterback to beat the Houston Texans?

UprootedTexan at 2:25 PM

Wow, Watt went offsides. That never happens.

Oh there’s gotta be worse.

l4blitzer at 2:27 PM

Frank Bush thinks this D is bad...

UprootedTexan at 2:28 PM

They lost to Tim Couch

Carlos Flores at 2:30 PM

I want Beercan back out there missing kicks.

Joe Critz at 2:31 PM

Brandon Allen playing better than Watson

I need to chill out haha

Carlos Flores at 2:31 PM

BLASPHEME

Joe Critz at 2:31 PM

I need to take a pill or something

l4blitzer at 2:32 PM

Nah, they are both being outplayed by David Johnson

Yes, I am going to say it, but run the ball more Texans...today is the day.

Or not...

Carlos Flores at 2:35 PM

Pharaoh Brown is a grown [kitten] man.

(Bengals field goal, Bengals lead 27-24.)

Matt Weston at 2:36 PM

Well yeah, because they are all grown men. This is the one football cliche that really makes me red.

(Texans ninth possession)

l4blitzer at 2:36 PM

Ah, Nick Martin...coming through in the clutch again.

Carlos Flores at 2:37 PM

But see, Brown is an ASS man. That’s the difference.

UprootedTexan at 2:37 PM

Nick Martin is a dumb[kitten].

Kenneth L. at 2:37 PM

I’d walk over broken glass to kill the feet of Watson

Matt Weston at 2:37 PM

lol fine that’s fair

Deshaun was a stiff arm away from partying like it’s 2017

Carlos Flores at 2:38 PM

Keke is the luckiest man on the planet because he fumbled out of bounds.

Pfft, wasn’t even complete.

Kenneth L. at 2:38 PM

Also can we comment that keke has a tail?

Carlos Flores at 2:39 PM

Hell yeah! Coutee has been confirmed to be a furry.

UprootedTexan at 2:39 PM

He got his jersey torn when a Bengal had a death grip on it back in the third quarter.

Matt Weston at 2:39 PM

Charlie Heck (YEAH!) is playing well against Hubbard

l4blitzer at 2:40 PM

Wow...did the Texans TEs all watch Mark Bavaro highlights last night? They are certainly imitating him on the last couple of receptions.

(Watson to Darren Fells for the hard-earned touchdown! Texans lead 31-27)

Matt Weston at 2:41 PM

Kahale Warring running onto the field to celebrate with Darren Fells and running through all of our hearts

UprootedTexan at 2:41 PM

I noticed Warring didn’t catch that. Interesting.

l4blitzer at 2:43 PM

UT, you still being ignored by the Texans for GM interviews? Radio kept playing the ad where they talk about that news

Matt Weston at 2:43 PM

He isn’t Ash. He can’t catch them all.

UprootedTexan at 2:44 PM

Unfortunately, yes, they’re just afraid of the bad press. But they still employ Jack Easterby, which is weird.

Also, Matt, I can say with some confidence that Jamarcus Russell is not the worst QB the Texans have lost to.

(Bengals tenth possession)

Matt Weston at 2:46 PM

Who’s the worst then? Blaine Gabbert in 2018?

UprootedTexan at 2:46 PM

I’m only through 2005 so far, but JP Losman or Kelly Holcomb might be up there.

l4blitzer at 2:47 PM

We never beat Sam Bradford...

l4blitzer at 2:49 PM

Do we just let them score here and leave it to our O to win it?

Matt Weston at 2:49 PM

It’s cool there are two PERINES in the NFL, and yes, unfortunately they are related

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

UprootedTexan at 2:50 PM

Probably not a bad idea, l4

l4blitzer at 2:51 PM

Got all 3 TOs and would just need a FG to tie...but would have to let it happen on this upcoming play.

bigfatdrunk at 2:51 PM

I think the announcers are the only people impressed by the play in this game. Aside from Watson, natch.

(Bengals touchdown. Bengals lead 34-31)

Carlos Flores at 2:52 PM

Like a hot knife through butter.

l4blitzer at 2:53 PM

Did the D deliberately lay off? Radio did not convey that...granted, hard to tell with our D, but still...

bigfatdrunk at 2:54 PM

No, they didn’t let him in. At all. The D is just that bad.

l4blitzer at 2:55 PM

Sounds right...but the Texans may have dumbed into the best possible outcome.

bigfatdrunk at 2:55 PM

Falcons keep on falconing.

Matt Weston at 2:55 PM

Yeah, they’ve just been purposely letting the other team score to give Watson the ball all season

(Texans tenth possession)

(Watson fumbles, Bengals recover.)

Carlos Flores at 2:55 PM

Well, this is becoming a concerning streak. Also Deshaun is down.

Don’t play another game. Just stop.

Matt Weston at 2:56 PM

RIP Charlie Heck’s pretty good game

l4blitzer at 2:57 PM

This game just cost the Texans a lot of money if we lose both Tunsil and Watson...

bigfatdrunk at 2:57 PM

[KKKKKKIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN]

(Bengals eleventh possession)

Matt Weston at 2:57 PM

Every week is dumber than the week that precedes it

Kenneth L. at 2:57 PM

Oh no did I just miss this

UprootedTexan at 2:58 PM

[Kitten]ing kill me dead, football [Durga] [kitten]it.

bigfatdrunk at 2:58 PM

Looks like his hand/fingers. Sadly, that would be best case.

Kenneth L. at 2:58 PM

I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK I HATE CHARLIE HECK

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

Matt Weston at 2:59 PM

He was pretty good today Kenneth!

bigfatdrunk at 2:59 PM

It’s cute the announcers think the defense can make a stand.

l4blitzer at 3:00 PM

Defensive holding on a good run stop...your 2020 Texans _efense

UprootedTexan at 3:00 PM

LOL, we lost to David Gerrard twice.

bigfatdrunk at 3:00 PM

JJ Watt has something to say about it. But, even if we get the ball back, who is going to play QB?

Matt Weston at 3:01 PM

And that was on Jack Easterby’s rare decision Alufohai

l4blitzer at 3:01 PM

You doubt the power of the McCarron?

Did our defense make a stop of sorts?

bigfatdrunk at 3:03 PM

I’m sorry, but JJ Watt having any say on what this team does is silly.

UprootedTexan at 3:03 PM

Matt, we lost to Tim [Durga][kitten] Tebow.

Matt Weston at 3:03 PM

Tim Tebow is better than Russell!!

I’m sorry I sent you down this rabbit hole

UprootedTexan at 3:04 PM

[CITATION NEEDED]

Lost to Jason Campbell.

l4blitzer at 3:04 PM

We are awaiting the Keke Coutee return for a TD, right?

UprootedTexan at 3:05 PM

Lost to Christian Ponder.

l4blitzer at 3:05 PM

Or not

Matt Weston at 3:06 PM

God that Ponder game was awful. That was at the end of 2012 when they farted away homefield advantage.

(Bengals field goal. Bengals lead 37-31.)

(Texans eleventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 3:07 PM

Charlie Heck.

I don’t know what I was expecting.

UprootedTexan at 3:07 PM

Lost to Sam Bradford, like l4 said.

l4blitzer at 3:07 PM

Man, if the Jets hold on, the NY papers are going to have a serious kitten...actually will be funny to see

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 31 - BENGALS 37.

Matt Weston at 3:08 PM

GO BENGALS

UprootedTexan at 3:09 PM

Lost to Matt McGloin.

Lost to Chad Henne

[Ed. Note: This list is long and depressing and has been truncated to avoid causing unnecessary pain.]

bigfatdrunk at 3:10 PM

Tim should be paying us to watch this trash.

Matt Weston at 3:10 PM

Kyle should be paying us

GAME BALLS:

Offense - Bacardi white rum

Defense - Glenlivet 12-year old scotch

Special Teams - Hendrick’s Gin

There, there’s your game ball winners this week. All of them highly deserving.

So that’s it, BRB faithful. What would you like to contribute to the discourse for Sunday’s game? We’d like to hear it in the comments. Hell, we’d like to hear anything in the comments, really.