Hair of the Dog - Less Is More Edition (Texans/Colts)

In terms of the game, there’s not much really to say. The Texans kept it close for the most part, which is way more than I was expecting since the receiving corps we started the season with has been either cut, suspended, or is on Injured Reserve (or gets in a near miss by almost being concussed, see: Cooks, Brandin). The results pretty much don’t matter because we’re not going to the playoffs this year, nor should we.

Still, there are a couple of bright points to this game. First we got more proof that Deshaun Watson makes just about everybody around him better. Except David Johnson; even Deshaun has his limits. Second, we got to see yet another reason to be pissed at Bill O’Brien; by that, I mean we got to see what Keke Coutee is capable of when he’s no longer in the vaunted O’Brien doghouse and not playing scared that he’ll get a quick hook if he makes the slightest error. J.J. Watt looked like the kind of player that made him a three-time DPOY winner. But what I’m most interested in finding out is if Chad Hansen could be a reliable receiver for the Texans. It would not be the first time the Texans found a player in relative obscurity who made a big contribution, like, say, Arian Foster.

In this week’s Hair of the Dog, we develop a new metric for how bad a contract is, the relative merits of birthday presents and cakes (a lot of birthdays this week), and we watch the Browns/BESFs game in the background and enjoy the beating Tennessee got in the first half of their game.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Although why you’d want to relive this game, including the stupid ending is beyond me; although it’s a really short read this week.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Kenneth L. at 11:38 AM

I need fantasy football help. Do I start Hines against our defense or Amari Cooper against the Ravens? Half PPR.

UprootedTexan at 11:39 AM

I would say always bet against the Texans defense, but I’m currently 4-8 so your mileage may vary.

Carlos Flores at 11:40 AM

I’d probably go with Hines, we know how opposing backs can give us trouble.

bigfatdrunk at 11:51 AM

Today is Mrs. bfd’s birthday, so my presence will be erratic. More so than usual.

UprootedTexan at 11:52 AM

Happy birthday, Mrs. BFD. May she get a delicious homemade tiramisu for her birthday the way I did for mine on Friday.

bigfatdrunk at 11:52 AM

I got her a plunge saw for her birthday. I’m SOOOoooooo romantic.

UprootedTexan at 11:53 AM

Plunge saws are the red roses of wood cutting instruments so...

bigfatdrunk at 11:54 AM

Ha! I’ll have to tell her that.

Carlos Flores at 11:54 AM

Tell Madame BFD that I hope she has a very happy birthday! I got a slice of coconut cream pie for mine yesterday, stuff is crack. Also, if she’s a big DIY person, that could be a very legitimate aphrodisiac.

bigfatdrunk at 11:54 AM

Happy birthday, Carlos! Did I remember yesterday? Yeesh, I can’t remember if I remembered to remember.

Carlos Flores at 11:56 AM

Haha it’s cool, I know it was in your heart. All I can hope is that we see Keke Coutee have a 100+ yard game today.

UprootedTexan at 11:56 AM

I thought I said it before but if I didn’t happy birthday, birthday neighbor.

Carlos Flores at 11:57 AM

Gracias UT, it’s an elite week for birthdays. Now it’s time for the Texans to rip our hearts out.

UprootedTexan at 11:58 AM

I’m not sure they’ve ever won during the week my birthday falls on, so I kind of feel personally responsible if they lose.

bigfatdrunk at 12:00 PM

I wonder if they are even on the air here in Austin.

UprootedTexan at 12:01 PM

If 506 Sports would ever load I could tell you.

I’ll be [kitten]ed, they really did open the roof again.

I have to assume that BOB was the reason the roof was closed for pretty much the entirety of the last six years.

FIRST QUARTER:

(Texans first possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:04 PM

He only felt comfortable committing crimes against football in the dark.

bigfatdrunk at 12:04 PM

David Johnson is more worthless than a kitten flavored lollipop.

UprootedTexan at 12:04 PM

Texans chose to receive, that’s different.

[Ed. Note: Watching on a less-than-ethically sourced stream so my comments are probably going to be a bit behind.]

Carlos Flores at 12:05 PM

He shouldn’t get any touches in the backfield.

bigfatdrunk at 12:05 PM

Nickel blitz. Shocking. Or not.

UprootedTexan at 12:06 PM

Ugh.

(Colts first possession)

bigfatdrunk at 12:07 PM

Le’Raven Clark deserves the YPC for that one.

UprootedTexan at 12:07 PM

Okay, start the clock on the TY Hilton embarrassing deep bomb probably for a touchdown.

Carlos Flores at 12:07 PM

I debated starting T.Y. Hilton today, as he normally he has big games against us. His season production has been dismal, but I have a feeling that he’s going to embarrass me.

Matt Weston at 12:08 PM

Philip Gaines v. TY Hilton because the Hilton break out game had to happen eventually

Carlos Flores at 12:08 PM

Nice play by Omenihu.

Whit is eventually going to match up against the Colts long snapper if this keeps up.

bigfatdrunk at 12:11 PM

Dang, poor Clark.

(Colts touchdown, Colts lead 7-0)

Carlos Flores at 12:14 PM

[KITTEN]IT

UprootedTexan at 12:15 PM

I don’t like the sound of that at all.

Stop the clock.

Matt Weston at 12:16 PM

Philip Gaines is somehow worse than Vernon Hargreaves III

Carlos Flores at 12:16 PM

I’m going to petition ESPN that I wasn’t in the right state of mind when setting my lineup.

UprootedTexan at 12:16 PM

Whoever had five minutes and eight seconds for the embarrassing TY Hilton touchdown, please come collect your prize.

Carlos Flores at 12:17 PM

Good lord, Deshaun is in danger.

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:18 PM

Tytus is getting beat.

KEKE COUTEE BREAKOUT GAME!

(Watson runs it in for the touchdown! Game tied 7-7)

Carlos Flores at 12:19 PM

Deshaun Watson is a superhero.

UprootedTexan at 12:20 PM

[Kitten], he fooled the [kitten] out of them on that handoff.

Carlos Flores at 12:21 PM

Ok, at this point, would you take a present day Deion Sanders over Philip Gaines?

Almost got the camera guy too!

(Colts second possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:24 PM

J.J. Watt read that pass better than Philip Gaines would have.

UprootedTexan at 12:25 PM

Better at wrapping up than Gaines, too.

(Texans third possession)

Matt Weston at 12:29 PM

This is a good time to remember Bill O’Brien purposely played DeAndre Carter over Keke Coutee

More like DVO[KITTEN]

UprootedTexan at 12:30 PM

Not only that, but he kept Coutee in the doghouse for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER!

Matt Weston at 12:30 PM

The Colts suck!!!!!!

Carlos Flores at 12:31 PM

That was a bad decision by Watson.

UprootedTexan at 12:33 PM

::wheezing::

I swear, I see more perfume/cologne ads around Christmas than any other time of the year.

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

i just saw derrick henry [kitten] his pants live on television

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

Are you sure it wasn’t just his ponytail?

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

LMAO

Carlos Flores at 12:35 PM

LOL

Joe Critz at 12:35 PM

he lost a fumble deep in his own territory

UprootedTexan at 12:35 PM

LOL OOPS

Carlos Flores at 12:36 PM

So what? Our running backs do that ALL THE TIME.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 52-yard field goal is good. Texans lead 10-7)

(Colts third possession)

Joe Critz at 12:37 PM

that’s good ill take the points

Carlos Flores at 12:39 PM

“Defended well by Eric Murray” doesn’t sound quite right.

UprootedTexan at 12:41 PM

It’s like hearing a fish sneeze.

(Reich challenging the incompletion)

Carlos Flores at 12:41 PM

Or hearing a fish gag.

Joe Critz at 12:42 PM

alright so the browns just threw a touchdown to an o-lineman

they now lead 17-0 against the the titans

Matt Weston at 12:42 PM

I got an Outback Steakhouse hangover right now and it feels like I got an old boot right in my stomach

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

Okay that’s just weird.

Matt Weston at 12:42 PM

Mike Vrabel has them right where he wants them Joe. This is how Titans football works.

UprootedTexan at 12:42 PM

Leader. Of. Men.

Joe Critz at 12:43 PM

either the browns are actually good or the titans are actually bad

i’m still convinced the titans are going 9-7

UprootedTexan at 12:43 PM

But then he’s doing better than BOB ever did so I guess I can’t really criticize. It won’t stop me, though.

Joe Critz at 12:43 PM

it’s just how it works

Carlos Flores at 12:43 PM

It’s like a venus flytrap, but dumb.

Matt Weston at 12:44 PM

The Browns are [kitten]ny. They just beat a bunch of bad teams by one possession.

Joe Critz at 12:44 PM

hey they’re still winning tho

i do agree tho that they prob aren’t that good

(Call overturned, first down Colts)

Joe Critz at 12:45 PM

COME ON

they scare me tho

Carlos Flores at 12:45 PM

Eric Murray with a hard face mask? That sounds more like it.

bigfatdrunk at 12:46 PM

This defense is LOL bad.

UprootedTexan at 12:47 PM

That’s what $20.25 million over three years buys you.

Carlos Flores at 12:47 PM

I hope Kenneth went with Hines.

bigfatdrunk at 12:47 PM

Nobody maintained the edge.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 14-10)

UprootedTexan at 12:48 PM

AJ Brown injured. I’m sorry Big Matt.

Matt Weston at 12:50 PM

Any Given Sunday dude

[Durga] [KITTEN]IT. Is it bad?

UprootedTexan at 12:50 PM

Not sure.

Joe Critz at 12:50 PM

i’m hoping it’s not serious, was able to walk off the field

something ankle related

Carlos Flores at 12:50 PM

They sent David Johnson out wide and actually had him run a route? BEAUTIFUL!

UprootedTexan at 12:51 PM

Non-contact ankle injury

(Texans fourth possession)

Carlos Flores at 12:51 PM

Oh shoot, that can’t be good.

Joe Critz at 12:52 PM

browns just got another touchdown

UprootedTexan at 12:52 PM

Holy [kitten], new guy made a catch sitting on top of a Colts’ defender’s head.

Joe Critz at 12:52 PM

first play 75 yard

this game is over

SECOND QUARTER:

Kenneth L. at 12:52 PM

Chad Hansen!!

UprootedTexan at 12:55 PM

Pharaoh Brown being evaluated for concussion. Time for the Kahale Warring Experience!

Sigh, never run the ball again, please.

Joe Critz at 12:57 PM

aj brown is back on the field

so that’s good, must’ve just put weight on his ankle in a bad spot

Carlos Flores at 12:57 PM

YAY!

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 54-yard field goal is no good. Colts lead 14-10)

(Colts fourth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:00 PM

Something about top 3 kicker money.

bigfatdrunk at 1:00 PM

Watching Coutee play makes me hate BOB that much more.

UprootedTexan at 1:01 PM

It’s still not $20.25 million for three years to be a starting safety like Eric Murray, but still.

Eric Murray is worth about $3 million more than Kai’imi Fairbairn. Figure that one out.

Carlos Flores at 1:02 PM

Lol WHAT?

UprootedTexan at 1:03 PM

“They’re going to have to give Hargreaves help out there.”

Unless that help is beating TY Hilton with a stick until he’s unconscious, there’s no helping Vernon Hargreaves out there.

bigfatdrunk at 1:04 PM

Good [Durga] Watt is good.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 21-10)

UprootedTexan at 1:06 PM

Oh [kitten] me.

Untouched into the [kitten]ing end zone.

(Texans fifth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:08 PM

That was ROUGH.

bigfatdrunk at 1:10 PM

Drink, Big Matt!

UprootedTexan at 1:13 PM

The Virgin Hilton v. The Chad Hansen.

Hey! It’s David Johnson’s one good run of the game!

Matt Weston at 1:14 PM

woooo!

gotta hair of the dog this outback steakhouse

Kenneth L. at 1:15 PM

Great vision by Johnson there

(David Johnson...runs(?)...for the touchdown! Colts lead 21-17.)

(Colts fifth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:19 PM

LETS GO LADIESSS

DAVID JOHNSON COMEBACK TOUR

now we need jacob martin to force a fumble

pad out those pro bowl stats

UprootedTexan at 1:21 PM

Didn’t they cancel the Pro Bowl this year?

Joe Critz at 1:21 PM

it’s gonna be played in MADDEN 21

VIDEO GAME PRO BOWL

at least i think i saw that

jacob martin gonna be a 96 overall

UprootedTexan at 1:23 PM

Get out of Joe’s account, Jordan.

Joe Critz at 1:23 PM

hahaha

Carlos Flores at 1:23 PM

LOL

The GOAT can’t be stopped!

Also, Steph flamed me on Twitter for sitting Hilton and I fully understand.

UprootedTexan at 1:28 PM

I saw that. It was way nicer than you deserved.

Carlos Flores at 1:29 PM

OUCH. At least Big Matt is having a rough go of things too, it’s a play in game for me.

UprootedTexan at 1:30 PM

That’s the nice thing about being a cellar dweller, the lack of expectations is liberating.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores at 1:30 PM

Goggles is automatic. Can’t recommend picking him up enough.

(I say this hoping that I’ll jinx him)

(Colts field goal is good. Colts lead 24-17)

UprootedTexan at 1:33 PM

Holy [kitten], the Browns are [kitten]stomping the BESFs 38-7 at halftime.

(Texans sixth possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:35 PM

My Durga, playing down?

CHAD Hansen!

UprootedTexan at 1:36 PM

This Chad Hansen ain’t bad.

SERIOUSLY not bad!

Carlos Flores at 1:38 PM

Going to the wrong person? Kahale is always the right person.

Joe Critz at 1:39 PM

I WANNA SEE COULTER???

UprootedTexan at 1:39 PM

He’s on the inactive list.

Joe Critz at 1:39 PM

is he hurt?

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 34-yard field goal is good...barely. Colts lead 24-20)

UprootedTexan at 1:40 PM

Not sure.

(Colts sixth possession)

Joe Critz at 1:40 PM

alright well a td would’ve been nice but ill take the fg

one possession lead going into halftime

chad hansen has looked good haha

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 1:42 PM

texans look pretty darn competitive without their best receiver and best corner

got a real shot

Carlos Flores at 1:43 PM

It should have been a one point game. However, the offense is doing surprisingly well without the services of a Will Fuller. The defense is what we thought it was, but this should be a fun second half.

bigfatdrunk at 1:43 PM

Deshaun Watson is a wizard.

Joe Critz at 1:43 PM

gotta win in these battle red unis eventually, right?

UprootedTexan at 1:45 PM

We’ve done it before, only problem is it’s only worked against the Jags.

THIRD QUARTER:

(Colts seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 1:58 PM

J.J. with the sack!

UprootedTexan at 1:59 PM

Watt has basically wrecked this Colts drive singlehanded.

(Texans seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:01 PM

Appreciate every second of whatever Watt has left in the tank. Him and Deshaun are going to single-handedly try to will this team to the playoffs.

UprootedTexan at 2:03 PM

Can anybody explain to me why these clog dancers in the Geico ad are dressed like Amish people? And if they’re Amish why they have a washer and dryer?

(Colts eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:08 PM

Did Burger King just rip off the Family Guy Christmas BK song for themselves?

UprootedTexan at 2:09 PM

Aw [kitten] the BESFs are coming back.

That would require me to know what the Family Guy song is.

Matt Weston at 2:09 PM

I really love the amount of neckbeards the Colts have on their roster.

Carlos Flores at 2:09 PM

A dumb venus flytrap.

AJ MOORE SACK?

UprootedTexan at 2:13 PM

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

(Texans eighth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:15 PM

Ok, so is T.Y. hitting 200 today?

UprootedTexan at 2:15 PM

Probably not, but I would bet he’ll get close-ish.

Carlos Flores at 2:18 PM

CHUM!

UprootedTexan at 2:19 PM

I’ve decided to use Eric Murray’s contract as a baseline to compare against other bad Texans contracts. So for example Ka’imi Fairbairn’s contract is worth .87 Murray Units and Whitney Mercilus’ contract is 2.67 Murray Units.

I’m really loving Keke Coutee now.

Carlos Flores at 2:21 PM

Keke should have had playing time all along. Just another thing to throw into the BOB dumpster. How many Murrays will Will Fuller’s contract eventually be worth?

UprootedTexan at 2:21 PM

That’s a good question, but I’m not sure it’s applicable because this is only meant to be applied to bad contracts.

Carlos Flores at 2:22 PM

Depending on how much money he gets, and if it’s from us, it might turn out bad?

(Interception. Colts ball)

UprootedTexan at 2:22 PM

They’ve been trying to jinx Watson with that interception streak all [kitten] day.

Right but it’s still TBD, the Murray scale, at the moment, can only be applied to current contracts.

Carlos Flores at 2:24 PM

Fair enough! I would think that 3.5-4 Murrays would be a doomsday scenario.

UprootedTexan at 2:24 PM

Oh great, Brandin Cooks in the tent for...wait for it...a concussion test!

Carlos Flores at 2:24 PM

NO!

Looks like more Chad Hansen is in the cards.

UprootedTexan at 2:25 PM

And Keke Coutee.

Carlos Flores at 2:25 PM

Where’s Randall Cobb?

UprootedTexan at 2:25 PM

Injured reserve.

Call stands.

(Colts ninth posession)

Carlos Flores at 2:26 PM

Durga. We’re going to have to start using corners at some point.

UprootedTexan at 2:26 PM

I’m not sure how much better I’d feel about Hargreaves and Gaines trying to CATCH the ball.

“He needs to have a body part down for it to be a catch”

HIS ENTIRE [KITTEN]ING BODY WAS ON THE GROUND HOW MUCH MORE ON THE GROUND DOES HE NEED TO BE?!

FOURTH QUARTER:

Carlos Flores at 2:28 PM

LOL, I don’t think things could get much worse than that.

You would think that the receiver’s entire back being on the ground would qualify him as being down.

GOAT WITH THE SACK!

Good catch by Hansen, but Watson threw that ball like Superman.

(Texans ninth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:32 PM

I think he was trying to kill The Chad Hansen with that throw.

bigfatdrunk at 2:34 PM

I haven’t been able to comment much, though I have been watching. JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson are real good. Jacob Martin is fast.

Carlos Flores at 2:35 PM

Senio Kelemete saving the fumble.

(Colts tenth possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:40 PM

Philip Gaines with a breakup? How?

UprootedTexan at 2:41 PM

Blind squirrels and acorns.

Carlos Flores at 2:41 PM

Well, our run defense is back.

bigfatdrunk at 2:41 PM

99 is looking like it’s 2015 again.

bigfatdrunk at 2:42 PM

Blitzing DBs has really added a new dimension to the defense.

Carlos Flores at 2:44 PM

What a stop!

(Turnover on downs! Texans ball!)

(Texans tenth possession)

UprootedTexan at 2:44 PM

Well they might as well be used for something since they aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire in coverage.

I’m pretty sure that was the same play that Reich ran in that overtime game a couple of years back that saved BOB’s job.

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

Time is a circle

So, there’s been absolutely no traction with the offense this half. Tons of pressure being lathered on.

(Watson sacked in the end zone for a safety. Colts lead 26-20)

Carlos Flores at 2:47 PM

It was almost like he sat there waiting for a safety.

UprootedTexan at 2:48 PM

Cooks is back on the sideline, might get to play again if they convert here.

I don’t think we’re winning this one.

(Colts eleventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 2:50 PM

Tracy Smith holding an L today.

Lucky penalty.

bigfatdrunk at 2:50 PM

Zach Fulton FTL!

UprootedTexan at 2:50 PM

Kenneth L. at 2:51 PM

Anyone know when the last time we allowed a safety was?

Carlos Flores at 2:52 PM

No clue, nothing I can remember recently? Gaines is out for now, so John Reid time?

UprootedTexan at 2:56 PM

Look like the last one was in 2019. Against Indy no less.

Carlos Flores at 2:58 PM

I don’t like Hargreaves being that tight on Hilton in any situation.

UprootedTexan at 2:59 PM

Although that was an intentional safety. The last unintended safety was in 2017. Also against Indy.

Carlos Flores at 2:59 PM

What are the odds of that? The Colts are trying their hardest to give Deshaun good field position.

UprootedTexan at 3:00 PM

Shhhhhh, let them.

And there goes the last timeout. Guess BOB wasn’t the only one with clock management issues.

(Texans eleventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 3:02 PM

Cooks is back in.

UprootedTexan at 3:02 PM

Thank goodness.

Carlos Flores at 3:03 PM

There’s an immediate impact!

bigfatdrunk at 3:03 PM

Are we going to score too quickly?

Carlos Flores at 3:03 PM

Hilton wants his 200.

I can totally see that happening.

UprootedTexan at 3:05 PM

He has 110 yards. Unless they give him a 90 yard reception, I don’t think he’s gonna make it.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores at 3:05 PM

I meant the scoring too quickly, but don’t put it past the defense to give up something like that.

COUTEE IN THE RED ZONE!

bigfatdrunk at 3:07 PM

Watson is a [kitten]ing wizard.

The Clots should let them score.

The problem wasn’t going for it on 4th down. The problem was the stupid play call and poor execution.

(Bad snap leads to a Texans fumble, recovered by the Colts)

(Colts twelfth possession)

bigfatdrunk at 3:08 PM

Well, I didn’t see THAT happening.

Carlos Flores at 3:09 PM

WHAT A GOOF.

UprootedTexan at 3:10 PM

You have got to be kidding.

Carlos Flores at 3:10 PM

Nick. [Kitten]ing. Martin.

UprootedTexan at 3:10 PM

Nick Martin is 1.63 Murray Units.

Carlos Flores at 3:10 PM

LOL

UprootedTexan at 3:11 PM

As losses go, this one was [kitten]ing special.

Matt Weston at 3:12 PM

lmao

GO TEXANS

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 20 - COLTS 26.

Joe Critz at 3:14 PM

Disgusting

I’m happy Coutee had a good game though

Deserves way more playing time

Man this loss hurts

UprootedTexan at 3:15 PM

I want to see more from Chad Hansen; find out if he’s for real or not.

Joe Critz at 3:15 PM

The CHAD

GAME BALLS:

Offense - It would be too easy to give the ball to Watson again because he is a space wizard. Since he had such a great game, this week’s game ball goes to Keke Coutee.

Defense - I said it before, J.J. Watt looked like his old self in this game. That’s more than enough reason to give him a game ball.

So what do y’all have to say about Sunday’s game? Sound off in the comments!