Rather than lambast and toil in the misery of a lost and aimless Houston Texans season, we should savor this. In the past, more often than not, the Texans were dumb and bad. These dives back deep down into the abyss were what make us, and this franchise, what we are. It’s flying back home. It’s opening up an old K-Swiss shoe box. It’s driving past your old high school.
This season didn’t have it’s landmark, all-time stupid loss, something that is a prerequisite for a terrible and stupid Texans season. In 2013, we had former Bill O’Brien Penn State third-string quarterback Matt McGloin take down Houston after Matt Schaub failed to hit Andre Johnson in the end zone; both quarterback and wide receiver had a domestic spat over who gets the kids that weekend along the sideline. In 2017, we had Jeff Allen false-sharting his way into 4th and forever, Tom Savage converting, and then throwing an immediate interception against the Tennessee Titans—the same Tom Savage the Texans drafted in 2014 when they should have drafted a real quarterback in the second round—while the great Pineapple Man in the sky danced and danced and danced.
Before yesterday, the closest we came to the complete stupid ending was Will Fuller’s failed catch against Minnesota in Week Four. That was more poetic than stupid. The context is what made it square, strange, and a little too perfect—making it seem like the whole thing was planned by a higher omnipotent being. David Johnson taking wide and sloppy angles at the goal line and dropping the pitch on the speed option. Fuller’s end zone target was a difficult play to make; that wasn’t the problem. It was a catch that DeAndre Hopkins has made a dozen times with the Houston Texans, one he would have made in this situation. Houston’s end game failure that sent them to 0-4 was the direct result of the asinine trade O’Brien made the previous spring and consequently ended his time in Houston. Praise be.
Yesterday was the landmark we needed in a hideous season to really make this year special and sacred. Ball the two yard line. Down by six. Nick Martin skidded the snap off the turf. It arrived at Deshaun Watson low and slippery. Ball bouncing, wild, flailing, raging. Limbs starving and slobbering, snapping at the ball. The Colts were the hungriest hippo. Their recovery ended this one. It snuffed out Watson’s incredible performance and game-winning touchdown drive attempt.
This loss to the Colts will be enshrined in bronze, blazing and golden, like other all-time classic crashes. Glover Quin’s batted pass against the Jaguars. Sage Rosenfels leaving the ground and spinning against the Colts. Chris Brown fumbling into the end zone. Kris Brown’s neverending run of missed game-winning and game-tying field goals in 2015. Jadeveon Clowney lunging offsides. Brian Hoyer’s floater. There are plenty of others that I was just too fat and and little, or too drunk, to remember now that we are all the way over here.
Houston’s season was effectively over after the loss to Minnesota to fall to 0-4. At 4-7, there was some idea with a win yesterday there could be some masquerading attempt at a playoff run. At 4-8, this is now an impossibility. Week 4 was poetic. Week 13 was the perfect amount of stupid. Everything from this point onwards is a contractual obligation.
IT HAS BEEN LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS; I GOTTA GO SEE A DOCTOR:
These sideline shots of Kahale Warring's biceps are making me sweatier than a gas station pizza— Matt Weston (@Matt__Weston) December 6, 2020
It was written by a drunk Mel Brooks.
WE LOVE HIM:
This is what needs to be the standard in the locker room. He ain’t worried about Monday’s direct deposit like some. He ain’t worried about Twitter play breakdowns. He ain’t content like others. That’s my QB and my standard. pic.twitter.com/YRnRBiORsU— Landry Locker (@LandryLocker) December 6, 2020
Four pours and seven beers ago, the Texans played another football game against the mighty foes of Indianapolis.
It was, indeed, yet another very stupid game.
Truly, the Texans seem to play their stupidest football against the Colts. As of today’s game, we are 9-29 against the Colts since the franchise was established. One of those nine (9) wins, I am dead sure, allowed Bill O’Brien, quite possibly the least valuable person in NFL history, to keep his job in 2018.
Pat McAfee recovering his own onside kick. T.Y. Hilton (waves frantically) everything. Rosencopter. Hoyer’s Floater. All of these came against the Colts.
Now? We can add “Martin’s Ground Ball with Eyes” to the team lore.
Deshaun Watson can blame himself all he wants for today’s loss because that’s what a leader does. The Texans lost today because Watson has been surrounded with, exceptions like J.J. Watt noted, a cast of has-beens and never wases because of the pure malevolent incompetence and pettiness of Bill O’Brien.
Keke Coutee spent 2 1/2 years in Bill O'Brien's doghouse on a false conviction.— Seth C. Payne (@SethCPayne) December 6, 2020
How amazing would this team be if they had just a few more really good players. Not even great players, but just really good. If Deshaun Watson, J.J. Watt, and Justin Reid didn’t have to do everything themselves, if there were even three more guys on each side of the ball who could help change the course of a game, how glorious it would be.
Unfortunately, just as we witnessed the greatness of the height of J.J. Watt’s career as he labored in obscurity, we’re seeing the same thing with Deshaun Watson. It’s heartbreaking. To have generational talents like Andre Johnson, Arian Foster, Watt, and Watson play for this franchise and never get to compete for a Lombardi is a crime against all things football.
But the flashes of amazing that Watson shows can, at very least, stave off the depression that comes with knowing your team gave Bill O’Brien a loaded automatic handgun and told him to play Russian Roulette with the roster.
All we can do is hope T.Y. Hilton retires before the Texans face the Colts again...
YOUR NEWEST REACTION GIF:
Sure, yesterday was a gut punch, but let’s be honest here. I promise I’m not just being overly cynical - the Colts had MORE than enough time to march down and win that game had the Texans cashed it in for a touchdown to take a 27-26 lead. I saw nothing yesterday that showed me Houston would have stopped the Colts from getting a meager 40-50 yards and a game-winning field goal. Let’s not pretend that DTS Hall of Famer ALONE Nick Martin cost the Texans that game. Please. He just made the loss happen in a little bit more unexpected way.
As is every game, this was another referendum on Bill O’Brien. That corpse smells worse and worse every week, which I guess is how it works, but when the corpse has left town, you expect the smell to start to clear a bit. Nope.
I REMEMBER. DO YOU REMEMBER? I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER:
It’s hard for me to overreact one way or another to a single game in a lost season. That loss sucked but I’d rather focus on, say, how Keke Coutee had a real impact when he sees the field? YA DON’T SAY?? WHO COULD HAVE KNOWN. Bill O’Brien sucks so much.— Chris (@HoustonDiehards) December 6, 2020
Unbelievable. What a way to lose. It goes down as one of the more embarrassing losses in Texans history. I was so impressed with the offense getting to that position with three chances to win the game. That was truly Watson’s first experience with the Texans’ woes.
The defense is atrocious. There was no consistent pressure even against a backup offensive line. J.J. had a good day, but there are few players on the roster that are playmakers. The Texans’ secondary is terrible and we have zero coverage skills. I’m not impressed with who they have back there.
What a loss. That one hurt. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Texans lose badly to the Bears next week because of this game’s hangover.