clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Totally Not Fake News: J.J. Watt, Empire Builder

There’s more to Houston’s star defensive end than meets the eye.

Just a Mild-Mannered All-Pro Defensive End, Right?
Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Summit, Wisconsin – On the surface, a log cabin-style house in Wisconsin might not attract much notice. Even if said cabin is owned by one of the most well-known athletes to come from the state, like the All-Universe Defensive Lineman Justin James Watt, it is probably not all that extraordinary. You might wonder why we at Totally Not Fake News would even bring up such a thing, aside from our not-at-all-obsessive following of all social media accounts related to the actions of J.J. Watt, a deity among mere mortals.

Yet, as is the case with so many things, it is not what is on the surface, but what lies beneath. According to some incredibly reputable sources via social media, an unassailable source of objectivity and factual accuracy, and those whose restraining orders still enable them to observe said cabin within range of most thermal binoculars, there is something decidedly odd going on at this site. After extensive engagement with reputable sources, like @JJWattisZeusReincarnated and @JJWattRunsTheIlluminati, we at Totally Not Fake News decided to break away from our social media monitoring of J.J. Watt-related accounts, which we only check at least 10 times within a 30 minute window of every half-hour of every day, to investigate this situation.

We first attempted to solicit responses from those who built said cabin and other Watt abodes. After multiple attempts to call, flooding their respective social media accounts with constant chat/message requests, and paying visits to their offices and residents at all hours of the day, we did not get much in the way of answers. More a case of multiple upper-cuts/left-right combos to the chin and a number of surprisingly well-aimed small arms and rifle shots close to our faces.

When those queries turned up empty, we faced a dilemma. Normally, you might expect us to solicit various responses from municipal, and team officials, looking for official responses. Additionally, we might actually try to get quotes from the individuals in question as they attempt to answer the questions and set the narrative. We at Totally Not Fake News don’t have time for such trifles as “research”, “fact-finding”, “journalistic standards” and “ethics”. So, to that end, we managed to place a series of recording devices on small animals that wander around the cabin including J.J. Watt’s dogs [Mandatory Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article, so all lawyers from the Humane Society may stand down].

Man’s Best Friends...and Best Collection Assets For Totally Not Fake News (They were well-compensated and treated for their efforts)
twitter

What they managed to find blew away any preconceptions we had of J.J. Watt. Seems that his cabin is but the entry way that leads down to an elaborate concoction of meeting rooms/command and control centers, extensive computer networking systems, warehouses of specialized equipment, and a rather conveniently placed document that just so happens to summarize the master plan for J.J. Watt to take his place among the powerful moguls and rulers of the world. We at Totally Not Fake News have this document in our briefcase that we carry around. We assert the document is 100% authentic and we can’t release it for any “independent verification”.

Joe McCarthy Walking up Steps
A Classic Wisconsin Technique For Protecting “Completely True Documents That You Can’t Physically See”
Getty Images

What we uncovered is this: J.J. Watt has coordinated a series of moves that on the surface do not seemed to be linked, but when put together, anyone wearing a well-manufactured tinfoil hat can see that there is a grand conspiracy here as foretold by such prophets as @JJWattRulestheWorld and @JJWattGreatestDictator. Consider the following:

  • Conquering the state of Wisconsin as part of the Clan Watt to hold the state and establish an initial base of operations, which, given his success at the University of Wisconsin, ensured acceptance into the hearts and minds of Wisconsinites.
  • Manipulated his draft position so that he could be taken by the Houston Texans, home to the 8th largest media market in the nation. Los Angeles did not have a team at the time, and it is Watt’s style to engage in a more subtitle form of conquest as opposed to trying to go too big by going to New York or Chicago, at least not at first. Clearly, Watt clearly had no interest in the other big media market north of Houston, and the other cities, even Washington D.C., were just not in Watt’s plans...yet. That the team and the city needed a new football hero very much factored into his calculus.
  • His basic understanding of how to gain supporters and power. While demonstrating hard power domination on the field, J.J. Watt also came to understand that true conquest and power resides in winning hearts and minds. Watt’s mastery of social media set the standards for all future NFLers. His stellar efforts in rebuilding Houston after the devastation of Harvey reflect a genius level application of that power. Lest it be said that Watt only engaged in Harvey relief for political gain, we at Totally Not Fake News hold that Watt balanced genuine affection for the city with the keen eye for leveraging opportunities for power projection. Any doubters, especially those followers of the apostate Mike Florio, will be met with some of the worst of curses, primarily where said infidel’s phone and email accounts are disrupted with constant outreach from political campaigns across all 50 states and most Canadian and Mexican provinces, all asking for campaign contributions.
  • His constant engagement with various celebrities in Hollywood and New York, enabling to leverage one of the greater mechanisms for soft power as part of the comprehensive strategy for conquest and power.
It Always Starts With Family...
Photo by FOX via Getty Images
  • Leveraging the skills of family. J.J. Watt used the power of his name and fame to secure prime draft locations for his brothers. Derek Watt was the initial link to the West Coast markets, and initially J.J. saw potential for a Watt directly in LA with the Chargers move. Yet upon further reassessment of his own stature in the West Coast soft power market, he drove the movement of Derek to reinforce T.J. Watt’s efforts to shore up the blue collar diaspora of Steelers fans to further strengthen the Watt presence within the Rust Belt/Big Ten Territory.
The Emperor and Empress...
Photo by Rich Graessle/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images
  • Additionally, with his engagement and marriage to Kealia Watt (nee Ohai), J.J. Watt could increase his power and influence, especially within two key demographics—women and soccer fans. This would open the door to power and influence in the EU and Latin America. Once he and Kealia solidified their relationship, J.J. coordinated with Kealia to solidify a trade from Houston to Chicago, thus opening up the third largest media market to conquest from Watt Empire. Additionally, J.J.’s desire to invest in soccer teams in Utah not only see him seeking to control the Utah/Mountain West markets, but to serve as a useful stepping stone to greater power in international football. According to insider @KingWatttheFirst, J.J. Watt’s long-term plan calls for the conquest of a major EPL squad, probably Chelsea, in the coming decade.
  • In working with key members of the Bush Dynasty, J.J. Watt gleamed an understanding of the complex political workings of all levels of government and a grasp of executive leadership. This enabled J.J. to benefit from the lessons of power without having to experience the burden of open political campaigning, which could disrupt, if not outright degrade, his plan for benign conquest and empire-building.
War Room
Just One of the Rooms With the Watt Command Bunker...We Think The War Room
Photo by Daily Express/Hulton Archive/Getty Images...and not from either one of the Watt Canines who are particularly fond of beef bones and dog treats...

These are just some of the many examples highlighted in this special report which we alone can see and will not share with anyone but will demand that all take at face value because we said so. You can take the word of the tireless acolytes of J.J. Watt, following all of his and other related social media accounts, from Twitter, to Instagram to even some links from BO’B Spacebook pages (remember, that is “BO’B”, not “BOB”, or “B’OB”, or “Boob” [STOP THAT, STOP THAT!!!])

At this point, we did receive some responses from apostates, questioning how Watt could be a successful Empire Builder when does not yet have a Super Bowl ring. After inflicting the worst of 2020 plagues upon their virtual and physical beings, including forcing them to watch Joe Exotic/Carol Baskin depositions on constant repeat while being stung by a constant wave of Murder Hornets, we took a second to consider the point. This is easily explained in the previous assessments of how Watt builds up his power base. He could easily have multiple rings, a la Tom Brady, but then it would go against his “hearts-and-minds” strategy for building power. Resentment, which he personally could withstand, would force Watt to engage in more overt mechanisms to establishing control, which is not what Totally Not Fake News thinks he wants to engage. This assessment is reinforced by such pundits as @JJWattGodEmperor and @JJWatt_RealChairmanofDavos. Besides, he saw how autocrats moved in to steal some key symbols of power and prestige, and that is just not a headache that J.J. Watt wants to face.

J.J. Watt may continue to dominate on the football field, but do not forget that he operates on a different plane from the rest of us mere mortals. Accept this, and you will be just fine. Challenge it, and sure failure and defeat for you and future generations is assured.