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Have you ever had a hatchet go right through your face? Did you notice that just before the mind-melting pain there’s that briefest whiff of cool air that hits the hatchet wound? For a brief moment, it almost feels kind of nice...until the mind-melting pain kicks in because you have a hatchet in your face.
That’s kind of how last night’s game against the Chiefs went. The first quarter was pretty good. The offense was moving pretty consistently, David Johnson looked like he had a little something in the tank after all. Jacob Martin got an early sack on Patrick Mahomes, which I thought was pretty sharp, personally. It looked like Texans might just give the Chiefs a game. That gust of wind felt really nice.
Then the second quarter started and so did the pain. It wasn’t so much that the Texans lost, because losses happen; that’s football. It was ow they lost. It just felt like the Texans got slowly and mercilessly strangled for the better part of three quarters. It wasn’t just a loss; it was a dreary loss.
That said, the defense did improve a bit toward the end, and it is just one game. One cannot judge a team by their performance in a single game. But with the Ravens, Steelers, and Vikings looming large, the Texans need to hope that Thursday night was just a game to shake off the rust.
Speaking of shaking off rust, it’s time to shake the rust off of the old Dog and get to the conversation we had in real time during the game.
As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Although you probably shouldn’t be reading this while at work, it’s not my place to judge; also, thank you.
On to the Dog!
PREGAME DISCUSSION:
Carlos Flores
Chiefs are out of the tunnel. FOOTBALL IS BACK, BOYS!
Joe Critz
ITS TIMEEEEEEEE
Vega
Given the lack of news and preseason, this actually snuck up on me
BFD
I had to remember how to turn on my TV LOL@me. Again.
l4blitzer
Walmart sponsors a skycam???? Okkkaaayyyy...did not see that one for sponsorship...
Matt Weston
I haven’t watched a commercial in nine months and I’m horrified of what I’m about to see.
l4blitzer
BO’B with the face mask or Reid with the face shield...who made the better call?
UprootedTexan
Mrs. UT loved Reid’s face shield, I’ll have to have a word with her about that.
Carlos Flores
Reid. Bill O’Brien is going to sound like the Swedish Chef calling plays through that face mask.
riversmccown
it’s okay matt weston, in these trying times, we’re here for you
Vega
Interesting that there’s no hesitation with all the hugging and handshakes
FIRST QUARTER:
UprootedTexan
“We stand in unity against racism”
Chiefs fans: ::Racist Chanting::
Joe Critz
HERE WE GOOO
BFD
JFC.
UprootedTexan
LOLOLOLOLOL A [KITTEN]ING RUN UP THE MIDDLE!
Joe Critz
david johnson mvp thx
BFD
CHUM to start the game.
l4blitzer
A run up the middle...the more things change...
UprootedTexan
Never change, BOB.
Vega
Whoah... you guys are WAAAAY ahead of my feed.
Carlos Flores
Same old, same old
Joe Critz
fuller :/
UprootedTexan
DJUM doesn’t really have the same flow, does it?
Carlos Flores
False start. OOF.
BFD
We’re already in mid-season form offensively.
UprootedTexan
And a false start; this is really encouraging, y’all.
l4blitzer
A stadium at barely 22% capacity and we get a false start???
Joe Critz
they got the jitters real bad
UprootedTexan
They’re piping in noise, aren’t they?
Joe Critz
ya they are
l4blitzer
Hmmm...maybe we should have keep running the ball up the middle?
Joe Critz
if we get 5 yard every time we’ll win a super bowl
Matt Weston
Tytus Howard is still opening the gate and unable to meet the rusher square.
Vega
Don’t worry guys. Defense got this
Carlos Flores
At least the curtain is being pulled back on the defense early.
BFD
@Big Matt: Watt lining up at LE again in sub. What a waste.
Somebody pick up Cunningham’s jock.
Mike Bullock
Good thing our D is stopping them...
Joe Critz
oh no here we go
UprootedTexan
I hate Kelce so [kitten] much.
BFD
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
Joe Critz
OH [KITTEN
UprootedTexan
The sad part is I knew that was six the second it left his hands.
Mike Bullock
Good thing we didn’t need to upgrade the secondary...
Carlos Flores
Couldn’t have placed that ball better.
BFD
Gonna party like it’s 2019!
That’s coming back.
Joe Critz
actually...
l4blitzer
Picking up right where we left off in Jan I see...
UprootedTexan
Hmmmm, Clete Blakeman calling the game. This clearly can’t miss.
Mike Bullock
Is it too early to take up binge drinking again?
Matt Weston
This defense sucks [kitten]
l4blitzer
In 2020...nope!
UprootedTexan
@Mike: Never.
If anything it’s a little weird NOT to binge drink.
BFD
Don’t you think Baker Mayfield had better things to do than make commercials this off-season?
Vega
When did we stop binge drinking?
UprootedTexan
That’s okay, they’ll get it on the next one.
Joe Critz
our reid wins again
Matt Weston
Who needs to play good coverage when you can always attack the catch point?
Joe Critz
woooo
UprootedTexan
SACKED BY JACOB MARTIN!
Joe Critz
martin just clowned schwartz
BFD
Good Durga Martin was fast.
Mike Bullock
Martin!!!
Joe Critz
defense holds!
l4blitzer
Eh, the defense just needed a rest...BO’B playing that 6-D chess again.
Carlos Flores
The GOAT understood he was needed on that sack. Thank Durga.
Touchback. Texans Ball At The 25-Yard Line
Joe Critz
okay hopefully that first drive got the jitters out of their system
or maybe they’ll just run the ball a million times
Mike Bullock
Is it too late to trade O’Brien for Jalen Ramsey?
l4blitzer
Odds for the first play a run up the middle for this drive...Imma gonna go 3-2 for this one.
UprootedTexan
No bet.
BFD
OMG that “soup” looks so gross.
UprootedTexan
Happiness is listening to Al Michaels try and fail to pronounce French names.
Mike Bullock
That’s no bet... it’s history repeating
Matt Weston
Happiness is drinking soup straight from the can
Carlos Flores
Clyde Edwards-”Hell Hair”
UprootedTexan
Hey, a run on the outside! That’s novel.
BFD
Duke is our best offensive weapon.
Mike Bullock
Fells! He fell...
Joe Critz
david johnson looking CLEAN
Mike Bullock
Nice!
UprootedTexan
Okay, that was pretty nice looking.
Joe Critz
highlight machine!
BFD
Chiefs’ LBs suck.
l4blitzer
David Johnson bringing the A game jump-cut on this drive
Joe Critz
hey he brought his hands on this drive
UprootedTexan
Aaaaaand Fuller takes a hit and doesn’t explode, things ARE looking up!
Joe Critz
BRANDIN COOKS IS HERE
Mike Bullock
COOoooooooOOOOOkkksss!
UprootedTexan
Let. Brandin. Cook...s.
Carlos Flores
Hey, the ball is actually being spread around! I’ll count a few of BOB’s strings as being cut off of Tim Kelly.
BFD
Cooks screen very nice play design.
Mike Bullock
Sweet!
UprootedTexan
Do you suppose Reid has the shield on to protect his majestic mustache?
Carlos Flores
It’s because he enjoys the smell of his own nacho breath.
Mike Bullock
I feel bad for all the coaches and sideline personnel that have to wear masks while being all football game hyped
Vega
We can only hope that thing fogs up so much that he loses sight of the field
Mike Bullock
And the nachos
l4blitzer
Thought Reid was more into the scent of a good cheeseburger.
Matt Weston
I feel like I’m watching the New England Patriots. Wtf is this?
Joe Critz
i just about to say that haha
UprootedTexan
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You’ll spook the competence!
Joe Critz
and that’s okay with me!
Mike Bullock
Don’t worry Matt, they’re just getting our hopes up in order to dash em against the rocks later on
Joe Critz
WOOOOO
BFD
Good Durga, Johnson is looking great.
Mike Bullock
Wooot!!
BFD
Trade still sucks, though.
l4blitzer
The Texans matriculated that ball down the field boys (in the obligatory Hank Stram voice)
Mike Bullock
Wow, do we have a really good RB again?
David Johnson for a 13-yard running touchdown. Texans...lead(?) 7-0
Matt Weston
Johnson looks entirely different than he did in 2019. This is [kitten]ing WILD.
Vega
We’re set, guys. No WAY Mahomes can come back against this team. It’s in the bag.
Carlos Flores
I was going to say that it looks like his speed is there.
UprootedTexan
GLORY TO HUNDRED DUCK OFFENSE!
Mike Bullock
What is the gameplan to put up the first 52 points so he can’t comeback, anyway?
Joe Critz
if johnson has his jump cuts from 2016 back, we’re set
and he certainly made some deadly cuts during that drive
and that speed is real
Mike Bullock
As long as no Cowboy Lamar Miller’s him, we might be set
Matt Weston
It’s a crappy run defense with slow linebackers, but yes, David Johnson looks entirely different than he did last season in Arizona.
UprootedTexan
Today is the first day the NFL, MLB, NHL, WNBA, MLS, and NBA have all played on the same day.
Joe Critz
man i forgot the anxiety that u get when watching a football game
my hearts gonna hurt tonight haha
UprootedTexan
Such is the fate of all Texans fans.
Vega
Just gotta power through, Joe.
With beer
Mike Bullock
It’s the same feeling I get when I knock on BFDs front door
Joe Critz
nice tackle!
UprootedTexan
We must battlefight through the ditches and battlefight against the witches.
BFD
Cunningham with a great stop.
Matt Weston
It’s cool the Chiefs keeping running the ball up the middle
Mike Bullock
Boo
Joe Critz
good call
BFD
Andy Reid + Screens = luv4ever
Joe Critz
oh they’re in kelce mode
Carlos Flores
Kelce doing Kelce things.
UprootedTexan
Got[kitten] do I hate Travis Kelce.
l4blitzer
Chiefs: oh, you want to throw screens, we can do that too...
Mike Bullock
Good thing we didn’t need to upgrade the defense...
UprootedTexan
We have Jacob Martin, that IS the upgrade.
Joe Critz
Cunningham gotta speed up
BFD
After that 4th, this drive has been brutally efficient.
Carlos Flores
On one hand, CHE could be a huge difference maker in this game. On the other, he could be a difference maker on my fantasy teams. Tough call.
Mike Bullock
Someone needs to get Reid a Nacho Burger
Joe Critz
gotta say i thought the players would be a bit rusty because of so little preparation compared to other years, but so far they’ve looked pretty good
BFD
On both sides and both teams.
SECOND QUARTER:
Carlos Flores
Aaron Rodgers was just on Pat McAfee’s show explaining that he didn’t expect many teams to show rust on offense or defense. He did suggest that special teams may see some goofs.
Mike Bullock
Justin with the stick
l4blitzer
Wow...we held Kelce to minimal gain...improvement!!!
BFD
Carlos Watkins was in coverage?
No, hustling back.
Mike Bullock
That’s our secondary upgrade!!
Joe Critz
there it is
Matt Weston
lmao keep throwing it to Robinson
Mike Bullock
Boo!
Mahomes to Kelce touchdown. Game tied 7-7.
l4blitzer
Oh, never mind. That first down play was a fluke.
Joe Critz
cunningham is the only guy that i can even fathom being able to cover him
UprootedTexan
Buttger ::giggle::
Joe Critz
and that would only be for crossing routes
Mike Bullock
Brandin Cooks go route for 6... and GO!
Matt Weston
LJJ v. Kelce doesn’t work, Reid v. Kelce doesn’t work, AJ Moore v. Kelce doesn’t work.
UprootedTexan
A tranq gun v. Kelce might work.
Carlos Flores
Kelce is literally Thanos with the Infinity stones to this defense.
Mike Bullock
Carlos Watkins vs Kelce doesn’t... oh forget it.
Joe Critz
you just gotta kill him with perfect zone coverage
just flood where he is with linebackers and just try and disrupt the throwing lane
UprootedTexan
[Durga], how big was the dump truck full of money that it took to get Paul Giamatti to be in that Volkswagen ad?
Carlos Flores
That Big Fat Liar money couldn’t last forever.
Touchback, Texans ball.
Mike Bullock
Fuller!
Joe Critz
justin reid stole fullers locks
l4blitzer
Good, our first 1st down play action of the day
Vega
Anybody else get nervous anytime Fuller is involved in a play?
BFD
It looks like the biggest offensive change, so far, is that Kelly is getting the ball out of Watson’s hand faster.
It’s no longer making the eleventy dimensional reads.
Joe Critz
looked a lot like the divisional round there
UprootedTexan
C’mon, go for it.
l4blitzer
...and our first lookout block of the night...
UprootedTexan
[Kitten]in’ coward.
BFD
Chiefs read the kitten out of that play.
Luke
Darling Darling, you simply must try this Run Pass Option, it is simply delectable.
Texans Punt, Chiefs Ball.
Joe Critz
i’m calling an interception on this drive
Matt Weston
COWARDS
Joe Critz
or a turnover of some sort
Carlos Flores
Wait, is this commercial in reference to Succession?! Best show on streaming right now.
Mike Bullock
O’Brien fought the urge to call a fake punt and won. #Progress
l4blitzer
No, BO’B is only aggressive when we are inside our own 35.
Mike Bullock
Oh, he fights that urge inside their 35 too
UprootedTexan
I was really nervous that he was going to fake punt there and I was going to have to throw my television in the backyard.
Joe Critz
i saw the punt team looking at each other in some funky way and got nervous
Luke
Punting is for cowards and the French.
BFD
New Reid out there.
Joe Critz
nice run by williams, mannnnn
l4blitzer
I’ve missed football...I don’t miss the NBC green zone graphic.
Mike Bullock
Time for J.J. Watt to do something
Joe Critz
the grass is always duller on the other side
[KITTEN] THAT WAS IT
THAT WAS THE TURNOVER RIGHT THERE
UprootedTexan
Aw [kitten], Joe almost pulled a Nostradamus there.
Joe Critz
man eat my whole [kitten] eric murray
Carlos Flores
ERIC MURRAY WITH THE BUTTERFINGERS!
l4blitzer
No, that is just his first pass deflection of the year
Luke
Holy [kitten] that was straight air mail
Joe Critz
eric the enemy
Carlos Flores
Love that one, Joe.
Mike Bullock
We just don’t have a defense to stop an offense this good...
Luke
Honest question. Would a credible run game really help this Chiefs offense or would it take away from their free flowing passing attack
Mike Bullock
Maybe we can fix that in the off-season...
UprootedTexan
I don’t imagine there are too many defenses that can.
Carlos Flores
I think CEH adds another dimension for opposing defenses to account for. I loved that pick.
Joe Critz
i feel like a good run game would help a passing offense since that’s more the defense can get confused by
Mike Bullock
That’s not what I meant when I said JJ needed to do something
UprootedTexan
Aw J.J., c’mon
Joe Critz
we cannot stop their run game
what is happening
aren’t we supposed to be good on the run
BFD
Snap counts is going to be super interesting tomorrow.
Matt Weston
Luke, KC having a good rushing attack just makes the game quicker once they go up big. It’s a luxury they didn’t need to have.
I’m so happy to have Kelechi Osemele back in my life.
UprootedTexan
I never need to hear about that divisional game ever again.
Joe Critz
finally a good stop on the run
Luke
Listen, if Mike Vrabel wasn’t so charismatic we might have stood a chance in this game.
Joe Critz
the funniest game i’ve ever seen
Carlos Flores
Pat Mahomes just got lit up.
Joe Critz
they just can’t do it
Mike Bullock
Watkins is officially an unperson
Matt Weston
Cool punt, cowards
UprootedTexan
Wait...
Carlos Flores
Thats a 1st and goal. Guaranteed.
BFD
Is Skates Johnson even on the field now?
UprootedTexan
Yeah, I mean at this point it’s just a matter of WHEN they get the touchdown.
Matt Weston
I haven’t seen LJJ at all. Seems like AJ Moore and John Reid took his spot.
Luke
Not going for it on 4th down against the Chiefs is the Crime, this is the Punishment.
l4blitzer
Is this going to be a game where we get one chance each drive on defense and if we can’t make the play, we automatically give up the touchdown?
Joe Critz
it certainly feels like that haha
man they had to tackle him 3 times
l4blitzer
Our newest defensive weapon...overturned touchdowns.
UprootedTexan
There it is.
Joe Critz
it was a nice attempt, though
Mahomes to Watkins for a touchdown. Chiefs lead 14-7.
UprootedTexan
That...uh...that sucked.
Matt Weston
We’re watching the Alex Smith Chiefs again and I [kitten]ing can’t take it
Luke
10 rushes already for CEH
Mike Bullock
JJ Watt needs help like Barry Sanders did... man...
Carlos Flores
What a screen. Anything we can do, they can do better.
Joe Critz
at least we get to watch saquon shave
i unironically love saquon and would love to kiss his clean shaved face
UprootedTexan
To be fair, screens are a new thing to the Texans. They’ve never done them before tonight.
Texans ball at 20 yard line.
Joe Critz
id like to see cobb get some action
dump off pass to him
Mike Bullock
Fells needs to learn to run people over
UprootedTexan
Yeah, where is Randall Cobb, anyway?
Joe Critz
he was on the field a few times but nothing yet
Matt Weston
There’s the drag-flat zone read offfense
Carlos Flores
I forgot Randall Cobb in my 53-man prediction, and you mentioning him is the first time I’ve been reminded of that.
Luke
Darren Fells runs like he’s unsure if his body might crumple on it’s next step.
Joe Critz
first mediocre run by johnson this game so far haha
BFD
THAT’S OUR PLAY CALL???
TWO MINUTE WARNING:
Mike Bullock
Well, that seemed familiar...
Joe Critz
wow hahaha
at least it worked
[Durga] almighty
BFD
Conservative to the bitter end.
l4blitzer
Walmart webcam??? Nope, that is just not working for me
Mike Bullock
It’s like, instead of saying “umm” when he doesn’t know what to say O’Brien just blurts out “run the a gap”
UprootedTexan
Welp, there’s our one deep pass of the game.
l4blitzer
Guess that explains why we haven’t seen any deep passes
Joe Critz
lets go david johnson!
l4blitzer
Nice catch and run by David Johnson
Carlos Flores
I thought Cooks was supposed to be a vertical threat? There was little to no separation on that play.
UprootedTexan
Ick.
Joe Critz
they’re afraid of mathieu and thornhill
which i absolutely would be as well
UprootedTexan
Okay Akins, do the thing.
Joe Critz
there’s akins
Mike Bullock
Go Akins go!
Carlos Flores
Look at Jordan Akins!
l4blitzer
JUUUSSSSTTTT a bit outside
UprootedTexan
Tried the corner and missed.
Joe Critz
AAA
man that was close haha
UprootedTexan
What the [kitten] was that?
Joe Critz
welp
BFD
No go to guy on 3rd again.
Joe Critz
very confusing calls there
UprootedTexan
Sigh...
Carlos Flores
Bringing out Fairbairn for the first time.
Mike Bullock
All Field Goal Offense to save the day!
l4blitzer
...or not
Ka’imi Fairbairn misses the kick. Badly. Chiefs ball.
Mike Bullock
Or not...
UprootedTexan
Brace for impact.
Matt Weston
KC has three timeouts left too
Joe Critz
jeez man
that couldn’t have gone much worse
Carlos Flores
We should have picked up Rodrigo Blankenship.
Luke
Field Goals are also for cowards
Matt Weston
At least Ka’imi isn’t the third highest paid kicker in the league
Mike Bullock
Yes. Good point Matt.
Matt Weston
I don’t like Ka’imi’s chain. He’s feeling himself too much since he got that big deal.
Joe Critz
[DURGAAAAAA]
UprootedTexan
Well that’s going against Houston somehow.
Joe Critz
this is gonna decide the game right here
Mike Bullock
Kelce hands to the face?
Joe Critz
we coulda tied the game up or gotten a field goal at halftime
Mike Bullock
Or not...
Joe Critz
but instead...this
UprootedTexan
Oh like [kitten] that’s a horse collar. [Kitten] you.
Carlos Flores
Hands weren’t even close.
l4blitzer
Uh...I think we have our first bad call of the season
UprootedTexan
Well it is Clete Blakeman, after all.
Mike Bullock
There’s our INT
Carlos Flores
Cunningham back to back. OOF.
Joe Critz
please just block it or something
mr lucious locks
l4blitzer
At least we held them to a field goal
Chiefs field goal is good, lead 17-7.
HALFTIME REACTIONS:
Joe Critz
that’s gonna hurt
Mike Bullock
Well, I was expecting like 35 to 17 by now, so there’s that...
Joe Critz
was feeling okay overall until those mistakes on our last drive
should be either tied or a one possession game right now, but instead its 10 point lead with kc getting the ball back in the 3rd
will likely score again
BFD
Shocked by how clean this game is. I mean, just completely in awe. Tim Kelly is a slightly better play-caller than BOB, so far, at least. No DeAndre Hopkins already massively hurts.
Vega
You have to take advantage of the opportunities against KC. They haven’t done that.
Luke
Also, just saw the Chiefs fans booing at the start of the game. Great work KC.
l4blitzer
If the Texans are going to entertain any hopes to avoid the Houston 0-fer, they have to hold the Chiefs to no worse than a field goal for the opening drive in the second half. That and have to tackle guys like Kelce a lot better.
Vega
I think we knew the offense was going to have some growing pains, but it’s a bit painful to watch. Johnson has been pleasantly good, but the rest of the WR corp has been lost.
Matt Weston
The 4th and 4 punt nixes all good will. It’s fun watching the Alex Smith Chiefs again. They’re playing basketball against Houston tonight, and it’s working without an answer for Travis Kelce, and the run defense is stinky without Reader so far.
Carlos Flores
There were a few drives where the offense really seemed to be clicking. David Johnson was looking very Foster-ish. However, it seems that there’s a wolfman-esque fight occurring with the offensive play calling. Rivers has a great point that there have been few deep balls with this “vertical offense”. Significant adjustments will need to be made at the half to stand a chance at getting back in this. Kelce will do Kelce things to this defense, which I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the FCC about how this kind of public abuse isn’t suited for national broadcast.
Matt Weston
@Luke I’d boo the Houston Texans too
Mike Bullock
Someone on the defense needs to step up. I figured JJ would have at least done something, anything, good by now but no.
Joe Critz
my only assumption is that they just don’t feel good about their chances with the deep ball right now for some reason, and running the ball and short passes has mostly worked so far, so they just wanna stick with that
but like, we’re losing, so it’s time to open up
Luke
In all seriousness. The margin of error against the Chiefs is so small that this was bound to happen. Unless you have an offense that is 80% of the Chiefs and a defense that is able to at least slow them then this is the most likely outcome.
Joe Critz
ur right
Luke
Cobb has more snaps that Cooks
Joe Critz
i can only assume this is just “attack their weakest spot” which is linebacker, but it hasn’t worked well enough yet
Kenneth L.
our defense sucks more than a straw
Luke
It’s playing as advertised.
Kenneth L.
Justin Reid is the only reason we are in this game.
we miss DJ Reader sooooooooooooooooooo badly
UprootedTexan
I miss DeAndre.
Kenneth L.
Charles Omenihu is getting abused. Manhandled. Dominated
Joe Critz
Has Ross Blacklock been in much?
Luke
I mean if the Chiefs played faster and threw more then this could be worse.
Joe Critz
i thought i saw him in there a few times but i couldn’t tell
Luke
Can’t find any snap numbers on gsis right no
THIRD QUARTER:
Kenneth L.
he had one good defensive stoop
Luke
If anything the weird focus on the run game by the Chiefs might be the Texans saving grace.
If you’re burning clock you’re not running up the score by scoring 3 times in a few minutes.
BFD
Omenihu is a rotational piece, not a starter.
Kenneth L.
Andy Reid’s headset is the swaggiest thing since aviators
UprootedTexan
Learn to [kitten]ing tackle, please.
Kenneth L.
Cunningham went the wrong way
Carlos Flores
Tackling? Never heard of her.
Joe Critz
every time elaire clowns our entire defense i cry
Kenneth L.
thats a lot of tears
Joe Critz
at least john reid has been playing WE ARE
UprootedTexan
Darrel Williams is the only RB the Texans have been able to tackle.
Carlos Flores
J.J. ran after CEH like he had a loaded diaper on that play.
UprootedTexan
Wow, a penalty against KC? They can do that?
l4blitzer
Increased the degree of difficulty for KC
Kenneth L.
watt definitely does waddle a little now
Carlos Flores
Goodell wants this game to be at least a little bit competitive.
Luke
Jim Nantz voice Texans CB’s playing 5 yards off. A tradition unlike any other.
Kenneth L.
9 years in the NFL will do that to a person
Joe Critz
there was our shot to force a punt
l4blitzer
I gotta admin, that was a heck of a block on Roby
UprootedTexan
I’m going to hate this defense, aren’t I?
Mike Bullock
Yes
BFD
Robinson got 5 more yards than he should have. JKK.
Joe Critz
maybe they’ll improve over the course of. the season
pain
Matt Weston
This defense is even worse than I thought it would be
Kenneth L.
this is ugly
Carlos Flores
So. Much. Pain.
BFD
We’re gonna need a search party for Reid’s jock.
Clyde Edwards-Helaire with 27-yard touchdown run. Chiefs lead 24-7.
Joe Critz
justin reid slipped and that was it
Luke
Well Joe, the good news is that they probably won’t play a better offense this season.
Joe Critz
it is easier to fun the ball when it’s wet
Kenneth L.
mckinney didnt move his feet
Matt Weston
The McKinney miss in the hole was [kitten]ed up
Joe Critz
the reason they’re both running so much is probably cuz of the moisture
Kenneth L.
this defense is going to be a problem
l4blitzer
(In a Kurtz voice) The missed tackles...the missed tackles
Mike Bullock
Well, The Chefs are halfway done scoring, so there’s that
Joe Critz
idk man this hurts
Luke
It’ll be okay Joe don’t fret.
Kenneth L.
I’m going to go into the bathroom now and look at myself and say “you are an inferior person” until i believe it. Then i can know how this defense feels
Luke
Embrace the darkness.
UprootedTexan
Houston Texans Fans: Peering Into The Abyss Since 2002.
Carlos Flores
Fantasy gains aside, it’s refreshing to be reminded of the Texans Fan Experience.
Luke
Yo Matty did you see the PFT report about the Texans making a late push to get Clowney?
Kenneth L.
me watching this game right now
Luke
Yeah I was just thinking that i’m glad i’m not playing you this week Carlos.
Mike Bullock
And just think, we get the Ravens next week...
Matt Weston
lol yeah I saw that Luke. I didn’t believe that [kitten] at all.
Kenneth L.
mark ingram is salivating
Joe Critz
okay we’re back, we better be uncorking that thing right now
Matt Weston
I do like the idea of Bill O’Brien hearing Clowney’s thinking about going to Tennessee and running out to his back porch muttering, [kitten], [kitten], [kitten], to go give Jack Easterby a call
Texans ball at the 21-yard line.
Carlos Flores
If the Texans reached out to Clowney last second, I’d equate it to being at the altar and your least favorite ex reaches out to see if you’ll run away with them. The Texans will be at the reception.
Matt Weston
That’s why you never talk to exes Carlos.
Luke
I like the fact that the reason Clowney stayed was that he as enamored about being led by a man like Mike Vrabel.
UprootedTexan
::sobs uncontrollably at DeAndre Hopkins graphic::
BFD
This offensive scheme, again, is a waste of time.
Joe Critz
bad pass
Luke
“Missing DeAndre Hopkins”
Matt Weston
lmao, I know the Vrabel leadership thing is a meme, but I’d cut my [kitten] off for him
Mike Bullock
First down
l4blitzer
Hey, we are just trying to give the defense a chance to rest so it can...get scored upon on a series of running plays...[kitten]it!!!!
UprootedTexan
Somehow, Matt, I don’t think you’re kidding when you say that.
BFD
CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM
Luke
Uh Huh, any man who is willing to castrate himself for victory is a man I’d follow
Carlos Flores
Things never change. Comedy is a circle.
BFD
MOAR CHUM.
Luke
@UprootedTexan Vrabel has publicly stated he would tie his tubes if he won a SB as Titans coach.
Joe Critz
reid wanted to cut off his pinky toe for a super bowl and he beat vrabels [kitten] cutting defense so that tell u about what the football gods want to see
Matt Weston
Woah woah woah, I never said castrate myself, I’m keeping the sack
I’m not trying to look like Benjy from the Sound and the Fury
Luke
Or a Ken Doll
Just all smooth except for a bump
Joe Critz
i just screamed
Matt Weston
That’s what I’m talking about
BFD
GEE, HOW THE KITTEN DID WE GET 3RD AND LONG AGAIN.
Carlos Flores
That was too hairy.
UprootedTexan
Oh go [kitten] yourself BOB.
Luke
I mean you’d still need to worry about peeing
UprootedTexan
That’s what catheters are for, Luke.
Carlos Flores
I’ve mentioned this among friends before, but I’ll die before I let myself get cath’d
Kenneth L.
Matt doesn’t pee, he’s too efficient for any waste
Luke
I’m just imagining a Ken Doll with a straw sticking out of his crotch right now.
Matt Weston
Tytus Howard still can’t meet edge rushers at the point of attack. This is going to be a problem all year. Teams aren’t going to give Laremy Tunsil their best pass rusher.
@Luke With Mike Vrable screaming at him to set the edge
BFD (who is desperately trying to keep this football-related)
McKinney is still sexy when he’s thumping downhill.
Carlos Flores
Look at McKinney with a decent tackle.
Kenneth L.
so are you BFD
Luke
EdjSports (@edjsports)
The #Texans’ decision to punt doesn’t have a huge impact on win probability because their GWC is so low at this point.
However, going for it is still the right call.
#HOUvsKC #Kickoff2020
chefs kiss
Joe Critz
PAIN
BFD
Skates Johnson sighting. What a waste of a pick.
Joe Critz
elf sighting
Matt Weston
He needs one more year BFD!
l4blitzer
Wow, Al and Chris are already going to the filler conversation...
Matt Weston
They’re just like us!
Luke
Ours is wayyyy better
Carlos Flores
I misread electric on that graphic describing Mahomes as “erect”.
Kenneth L.
wow we are getting shredded
UprootedTexan
If you gave me $400 million I’d be erect too, honestly.
Luke
I’d like to see to see Al and Chris work a convo about Mike Vrabel’s reproductive organs.
BFD
Misread, Carlos, or projected?
Carlos Flores
A little bit of both.
UprootedTexan
They haven’t started talking about betting lines yet so they haven’t hit the bottom of the filler talk barrel yet.
Joe Critz
defense is improving at the stopping the run, at least
l4blitzer
Not sure I want Collingsworth going on a diatribe about catheters.
Matt Weston
They should talk about how Brandin Cooks can’t outrun L’Jarius Sneed because he’s already hurt
Luke
I imagine it would be as informed as his colour commentary.
BFD
*color
l4blitzer
Luke: true
BFD
/ducks
UprootedTexan
@l4blitzer Yeah, for that I want to hear Kevin Harlan.
Joe Critz
2nd punt for the chiefs i think
or 3rd maybe i cant remember
Texans ball at their own 5-yard line
Kenneth L.
god [kitten] the chiefs are perfec
andy reid has perfected football
Luke
Don’t make me cathe you with the superflous U BFD
Carlos Flores
Tommy Townsend kind of looks like a brunette Trevor Lawrence.
Joe Critz
he does haha
who’s trevor going to
Kenneth L.
T Mobile and Sprint talk about how cool they are and how humble they are and how great they are... and I just dont give a [kitten]
Matt Weston
Whatever he is, he’s beautiful
Joe Critz
jacksonville?
Luke
Fox News?
Kenneth L.
[Kitten] + [Kitten] = More [Kitten]
l4blitzer
Whoever gives him the best hair care product endorsement deal
Luke
Jacksonville would make the most sense. But it really depends on how little Jacksonville wants to care about this season.
and whether or not anyone can out suck them.
UprootedTexan
They gave away the entire store and are running Gardner Minschew at QB, I think they’re Trevor Lawrence-committed.
Matt Weston
Yeah I think JAX. They don’t give a [kitten] this year, and they’re faking that they do with their cute little videos.
UprootedTexan
WHY ARE THEY BRINGING [WEAKEST LINK] BACK?!
Luke
Like there are a tonne of teams who actively need a new QB. Steelers, Panthers, Titans, Raiders
Matt Weston
Minshew is cool though. He’s like Ryan Fitzpatrick with mustache. The Panthers don’t!!!!!!
Kenneth L.
If Transplant is the best show on TV, im a pretty little princess
UprootedTexan
He’s cool but he’s crap.
Joe Critz
I’d love the steelers to get a new qb man
BFD
Tim Kelly is Bill O’Brien.
Matt Weston
He can throw downfield and that’s the only thing I care about anymore.
Joe Critz
I think Big Ben is done and is gonna suck this year
l4blitzer
Alright, I get the run inside your own ten, but we might want to start opening it up a bit, no?
UprootedTexan
Inshallah.
Kenneth L.
Apple with a great ad. I love being in advertising sometimes and just thinking about the ins and outs of their targeting and their message
But also the materialistic capitalism and consumerism that we promote also makes me cringe a lot
UprootedTexan
Racist chant time!
FOURTH QUARTER:
Matt Weston
Advertising works. I drank a diet coke today because of Rivers’s Bill O’Brien gif
UprootedTexan
[Kitten].
Luke
I love Mad Men, but I detest advertising
Watson picked off on dead duck throw. Chiefs ball at Texans’ 15-yard line
Joe Critz
well that’s it
Kenneth L.
Darren Fells [kitten] you
UprootedTexan
I wonder how the Golden Knights game is going...
Kenneth L.
Houston about to pull an 0-3 today
l4blitzer
Serena up a set in the US Open...
Carlos Flores
Nothing like going to bed with fresh tears.
Luke
I got a rad slice of sourdough in the toaster right now.
Kenneth L.
lololol
i just went to town on Chinese food from Chinatown. It was aggressive, savage, and uncomfortable for everyone else to watch
UprootedTexan
Mrs. UT just ordered a coconut cream pie from a pie shop for dessert tonight. I think that pie is getting housed tonight.
Carlos Flores
PHRASING.
Luke
Nice. It’s Berry picking season here and all the blackberry bushes are full so I went picking last week and got enough for an apple and blackberry crumble that’s fantastic.
UprootedTexan
The only reason the Chiefs didn’t score there is because the receiver couldn’t get a hand on the ball.
l4blitzer
The intimidation of Lonnie Johnson on that play...
Luke
He saw the footwork king comin
Kenneth L.
Kansas City is a better team
BFD
I’m old enough to remember how bad[kitten] this all vertical offense was going to be.
UprootedTexan
::writes on chalkboard::
I will not jump to conclusions after one game.
I will not jump to conclusions after one game.
I will not jump to conclusions after one game.
Kenneth L.
i need a cigar
UprootedTexan
Vegas going to overtime against Dallas.
Joe Critz
Texans are like New England where they always have a few games every year where they just SUCK
hopefully this is one of those games
l4blitzer
Looks like the Warp Speed offense has a bad warp core at the moment.
Luke
Oh Kenneth if you are anywhere near an Asian market anytime soon then hoard Crispy Chilli Oil because that [kitten] is worth it’s weight in gold.
l4blitzer
Are, are they fat shamming Reid???
Carlos Flores
They’re just fat shaming Andy Reid at this point.
UprootedTexan
That was a really, really labored way to get to a “cherry on top” reference.
Kenneth L.
i have some chili oil from trader joes that is fire
UprootedTexan
OMKG.
Kenneth L.
bbbbbbboooooooooooooooo
Joe Critz
man.
Luke
back to being serious for a second.
Kenneth L.
honestly its smart for the chiefs so they can waste more time.
Luke
Do we honestly believe that Tim Kelly is calling the plays tonight?
l4blitzer
At this point, I want to see the Chiefs run something from the 1920s now.
Carlos Flores
BOB saw how much fun he was having and took the responsibility back.
UprootedTexan
I do, but I also think he’s on a really tight leash.
Mahomes to Hill for the touchdown. Chiefs lead 31-7
Luke
Is the leash just Kelly pointing at a play on the sheet and BOB going “Yes” or “No”
Carlos Flores
Roby got scorched on that one.
UprootedTexan
Kenneth L.
welp.
anyone think the ravens game will be any different?
Luke
Probably not. If this is the run D then it’s going to be even worse.
UprootedTexan
I imagine Kelly gets maybe three games before BOB decides to take playcalling back. And we won’t notice a bit of difference when he does.
l4blitzer
The question is now do the Texans get a cosmetic score or two to end the game?
Matt Weston
I’m sticking to calling Tim Kelly Bill O’Brien’s third nipple
UprootedTexan
In some cultures third nipples are considered a sign of good luck.
Texans ball at the 25-yard line
Matt Weston
Well those cultures must not have Houston Texans football
Kenneth L.
alright Deshaun lets go
Luke
I’m just sad Adam Schefter got up this morning crying because he knew that football was back and then he got this.
Kenneth L.
Randall Cobb has been non existent
Matt Weston
Randall Cobb has zero targets so far lmao
l4blitzer
Meanwhile, Jason La Canfora is thrilled about this performance. Another Texans suck piece coming...
UprootedTexan
Is that the first timeout called in the entire game?
Carlos Flores
If this were Madden, I’d be mashing for no huddle right now.
Joe Critz
the defense did get better at stopping run, so there’s a silver lining
Luke
Always mash for no huddle.
Joe Critz
you can only hope they continue that against baltimore next week or we’re looking at a disgusting 0-2 rn
Kenneth L.
that Chevy trailblazer looks cool. Looks like my car
(comment is paid for by Chevy Corportation)
Carlos Flores
Once I get either the Series X or the PS5, and when Madden finally decides to make a decent game, I will never play with a BOB playbook again. I’d rather use John Madden’s playbook.
l4blitzer
For the ads tonight, I feel like the Dune trailer won, but that is just me.
Kenneth L.
Apple had an awesome ad
Joe Critz
there’s that maximum football game that’s coming out soon that’s better than madden
Matt Weston
The first month is rough. They get BAL, maybe Ben Roethlisberger before his head is the shape of an old potato, and the 2012 Houston Texans (Minnesota).
UprootedTexan
I still can’t believe Paul Giamatti was in multiple Volkswagen ads.
Luke
I think the Texans have a chance in those Vikings and Steelers game.
I don’t think it’s a great chance.
Joe Critz
me too
UprootedTexan
Vegas lost. World is a [kitten].
Matt Weston
They have a chance, but it’s rough.
Luke
But you’re betting against Cousinman Kirk and Large Benjamin.
Matt Weston
And Gary Kubiak’s REVENGE GAME
Carlos Flores
Wow. Didn’t see that 4th and 8 working out.
UprootedTexan
It took 52 minutes and 31 KC points before BOB went for it on fourth down.
Kenneth L.
why the [kitten] are we handing the ball off down this much
Luke
Can’t wait for Dalvin Cook and Alexander Mattison to go all Foster and Tate
l4blitzer
How original, a middle run on 1st down
Matt Weston
That 4th and 8 was legitimately beautiful
Carlos Flores
Akins is the true TE1
Kenneth L.
that was a flase start
wait is this a TD?
idk but my computer is dying. and so is my soul
Matt Weston
Adam Thielen is Andre Johnson. Kyle Rudolph is Owen Daniels. Irv Smith is James Casey.
l4blitzer
Our first cosmetic score of the year
Watson to Akins for the garbage time TD. Two point attempt failed. Chiefs lead 31-13.
Joe Critz
if they hadn’t given up the last touchdown this game might be actually interesting
only if haha
BFD
Kudos to all who called a blowout with Texans scoring garbage points to make it look closer.
Luke
Now that’s a RESPECTABLE SCORE
Joe Critz
i was absolutely wrong and i’m gonna own up to it
i thought this was gonna be a close shootout
texans passing offense is disgusting
Matt Weston
The only thing explosive about this offense is my diarrhea
UprootedTexan
Did we get “processed?” Because I mean I know teams that play Bama get processed but this feels like we got processed.
Joe Critz
trust the process
Carlos Flores
Same. I put the score super high and set unrealistic expectations. 11-5 looks way bleaker.
Chiefs ball at 27-yard line
Luke
You’re okay Joe. At least you didn’t pick the Texans to win like some folks.
Matt Weston
At least J.J. Watt is playing the run tonight.
Joe Critz
clyde edwards eclair
Carlos Flores
I need that edit. Great hit on that play too.
UprootedTexan
Al Michaels telling the audience at home that the H in Clyde Edwards-Helaire is silent as though it were new information to everybody >>>
Ah, garbage time Will Fuller is a sight to behold.
Joe Critz
fantasy points!
Matt Weston
This is just like the 2017 game without the J.J. Watt injury
Joe Critz
hey cobb is here!
l4blitzer
ALERT, ALERT: Randall Cobb sighting!!! ALERT, ALERT
Carlos Flores
Couldn’t have timed his appearance any better.
Joe Critz
terrible sign for the offensive line
entire offense will fall apart if they don’t play well
Watson runs it in for a touchdown. Chiefs lead 31-20.
Joe Critz
well that didn’t work lol
Texans attempt onside kick and fail. Chief return ball 20 yards. Chiefs ball.
Carlos Flores
If they would have returned that onside, I’d start breaking stuff.
l4blitzer
Wow...Watt nearly blew that up...but, as par for the course tonight, a big run for KC
TWO MINUTE WARNING:
Carlos Flores
P.J. Hall just killed someone.
Joe Critz
okay so i’m gonna be optimistic
i guess that’s my thing now
david johnson looked good, defense improved against the run as the game wore on
passing offense was terrible and everyone, including watson, it to blame. but i’m hoping that is just rust and will go away soon
Carlos Flores
These first 3 games will be brutal, harsh lessons in what this team needs to improve on. I think it could be like running with a training parachute. Once we take the parachute off, maybe things will go better?
l4blitzer
We are still winning the 4th quarter
BFD
2020 Houston Texans: Same As It Ever Was.
Joe Critz
water flowing underground
Chiefs with the field goal, lead 34-20.
Touchback. Texans ball at 25-yard line.
Joe Critz
but anyways i’m pleased by the running backs and the improvement the defense made in jut one game. if the passing attack and offensive line can work things out and get to where they should be, i’ll be happy
just hurts to watch an offense that should be capable of so much more
l4blitzer
Remember when we used to win season openers...yeah, those were days.
FINAL SCORE: CHIEFS 34 - TEXANS 20.
GAME BALLS:
It doesn’t seem right to give game balls on a night like this, but we’ll give it a shot.
Offense: Deshaun Watson is always a great candidate for a game ball, but since the expectations were so uncertain, this week’s ball goes to new Texans RB David Johnson.
Defense: Let’s live a little and give this week’s ball to P.J. Hall. Sure, his moment came when the Texans were effectively out of it, but still to knock Clyde Edwards-Helaire on his backside was fun to watch.
Special Teams: 404 Error, Page Not Found.
So what do y’all think? Think someone else should get a game ball? Are you glad Texans football is back? How do you think BOB did in his seventh season opener as head coach of the Texans? Let us know in the comments section!