Hair of the Dog - Texans v. Chiefs

Have you ever had a hatchet go right through your face? Did you notice that just before the mind-melting pain there’s that briefest whiff of cool air that hits the hatchet wound? For a brief moment, it almost feels kind of nice...until the mind-melting pain kicks in because you have a hatchet in your face.

That’s kind of how last night’s game against the Chiefs went. The first quarter was pretty good. The offense was moving pretty consistently, David Johnson looked like he had a little something in the tank after all. Jacob Martin got an early sack on Patrick Mahomes, which I thought was pretty sharp, personally. It looked like Texans might just give the Chiefs a game. That gust of wind felt really nice.

Then the second quarter started and so did the pain. It wasn’t so much that the Texans lost, because losses happen; that’s football. It was ow they lost. It just felt like the Texans got slowly and mercilessly strangled for the better part of three quarters. It wasn’t just a loss; it was a dreary loss.

That said, the defense did improve a bit toward the end, and it is just one game. One cannot judge a team by their performance in a single game. But with the Ravens, Steelers, and Vikings looming large, the Texans need to hope that Thursday night was just a game to shake off the rust.

Speaking of shaking off rust, it’s time to shake the rust off of the old Dog and get to the conversation we had in real time during the game.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work. Although you probably shouldn’t be reading this while at work, it’s not my place to judge; also, thank you.

On to the Dog!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

Carlos Flores

Chiefs are out of the tunnel. FOOTBALL IS BACK, BOYS!

Joe Critz

ITS TIMEEEEEEEE

Vega

Given the lack of news and preseason, this actually snuck up on me

BFD

I had to remember how to turn on my TV LOL@me. Again.

l4blitzer

Walmart sponsors a skycam???? Okkkaaayyyy...did not see that one for sponsorship...

Matt Weston

I haven’t watched a commercial in nine months and I’m horrified of what I’m about to see.

l4blitzer

BO’B with the face mask or Reid with the face shield...who made the better call?

UprootedTexan

Mrs. UT loved Reid’s face shield, I’ll have to have a word with her about that.

Carlos Flores

Reid. Bill O’Brien is going to sound like the Swedish Chef calling plays through that face mask.

riversmccown

it’s okay matt weston, in these trying times, we’re here for you

Vega

Interesting that there’s no hesitation with all the hugging and handshakes

FIRST QUARTER:

UprootedTexan

“We stand in unity against racism”

Chiefs fans: ::Racist Chanting::

Joe Critz

HERE WE GOOO

BFD

JFC.

UprootedTexan

LOLOLOLOLOL A [KITTEN]ING RUN UP THE MIDDLE!

Joe Critz

david johnson mvp thx

BFD

CHUM to start the game.

l4blitzer

A run up the middle...the more things change...

UprootedTexan

Never change, BOB.

Vega

Whoah... you guys are WAAAAY ahead of my feed.

Carlos Flores

Same old, same old

Joe Critz

fuller :/

UprootedTexan

DJUM doesn’t really have the same flow, does it?

Carlos Flores

False start. OOF.

BFD

We’re already in mid-season form offensively.

UprootedTexan

And a false start; this is really encouraging, y’all.

l4blitzer

A stadium at barely 22% capacity and we get a false start???

Joe Critz

they got the jitters real bad

UprootedTexan

They’re piping in noise, aren’t they?

Joe Critz

ya they are

l4blitzer

Hmmm...maybe we should have keep running the ball up the middle?

Joe Critz

if we get 5 yard every time we’ll win a super bowl

Matt Weston

Tytus Howard is still opening the gate and unable to meet the rusher square.

Vega

Don’t worry guys. Defense got this

Carlos Flores

At least the curtain is being pulled back on the defense early.

BFD

@Big Matt: Watt lining up at LE again in sub. What a waste.

Somebody pick up Cunningham’s jock.

Mike Bullock

Good thing our D is stopping them...

Joe Critz

oh no here we go

UprootedTexan

I hate Kelce so [kitten] much.

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Joe Critz

OH [KITTEN

UprootedTexan

The sad part is I knew that was six the second it left his hands.

Mike Bullock

Good thing we didn’t need to upgrade the secondary...

Carlos Flores

Couldn’t have placed that ball better.

BFD

Gonna party like it’s 2019!

That’s coming back.

Joe Critz

actually...

l4blitzer

Picking up right where we left off in Jan I see...

UprootedTexan

Hmmmm, Clete Blakeman calling the game. This clearly can’t miss.

Mike Bullock

Is it too early to take up binge drinking again?

Matt Weston

This defense sucks [kitten]

l4blitzer

In 2020...nope!

UprootedTexan

@Mike: Never.

If anything it’s a little weird NOT to binge drink.

BFD

Don’t you think Baker Mayfield had better things to do than make commercials this off-season?

Vega

When did we stop binge drinking?

UprootedTexan

That’s okay, they’ll get it on the next one.

Joe Critz

our reid wins again

Matt Weston

Who needs to play good coverage when you can always attack the catch point?

Joe Critz

woooo

UprootedTexan

SACKED BY JACOB MARTIN!

Joe Critz

martin just clowned schwartz

BFD

Good Durga Martin was fast.

Mike Bullock

Martin!!!

Joe Critz

defense holds!

l4blitzer

Eh, the defense just needed a rest...BO’B playing that 6-D chess again.

Carlos Flores

The GOAT understood he was needed on that sack. Thank Durga.

Touchback. Texans Ball At The 25-Yard Line

Joe Critz

okay hopefully that first drive got the jitters out of their system

or maybe they’ll just run the ball a million times

Mike Bullock

Is it too late to trade O’Brien for Jalen Ramsey?

l4blitzer

Odds for the first play a run up the middle for this drive...Imma gonna go 3-2 for this one.

UprootedTexan

No bet.

BFD

OMG that “soup” looks so gross.

UprootedTexan

Happiness is listening to Al Michaels try and fail to pronounce French names.

Mike Bullock

That’s no bet... it’s history repeating

Matt Weston

Happiness is drinking soup straight from the can

Carlos Flores

Clyde Edwards-”Hell Hair”

UprootedTexan

Hey, a run on the outside! That’s novel.

BFD

Duke is our best offensive weapon.

Mike Bullock

Fells! He fell...

Joe Critz

david johnson looking CLEAN

Mike Bullock

Nice!

UprootedTexan

Okay, that was pretty nice looking.

Joe Critz

highlight machine!

BFD

Chiefs’ LBs suck.

l4blitzer

David Johnson bringing the A game jump-cut on this drive

Joe Critz

hey he brought his hands on this drive

UprootedTexan

Aaaaaand Fuller takes a hit and doesn’t explode, things ARE looking up!

Joe Critz

BRANDIN COOKS IS HERE

Mike Bullock

COOoooooooOOOOOkkksss!

UprootedTexan

Let. Brandin. Cook...s.

Carlos Flores

Hey, the ball is actually being spread around! I’ll count a few of BOB’s strings as being cut off of Tim Kelly.

BFD

Cooks screen very nice play design.

Mike Bullock

Sweet!

UprootedTexan

Do you suppose Reid has the shield on to protect his majestic mustache?

Carlos Flores

It’s because he enjoys the smell of his own nacho breath.

Mike Bullock

I feel bad for all the coaches and sideline personnel that have to wear masks while being all football game hyped

Vega

We can only hope that thing fogs up so much that he loses sight of the field

Mike Bullock

And the nachos

l4blitzer

Thought Reid was more into the scent of a good cheeseburger.

Matt Weston

I feel like I’m watching the New England Patriots. Wtf is this?

Joe Critz

i just about to say that haha

UprootedTexan

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You’ll spook the competence!

Joe Critz

and that’s okay with me!

Mike Bullock

Don’t worry Matt, they’re just getting our hopes up in order to dash em against the rocks later on

Joe Critz

WOOOOO

BFD

Good Durga, Johnson is looking great.

Mike Bullock

Wooot!!

BFD

Trade still sucks, though.

l4blitzer

The Texans matriculated that ball down the field boys (in the obligatory Hank Stram voice)

Mike Bullock

Wow, do we have a really good RB again?

David Johnson for a 13-yard running touchdown. Texans...lead(?) 7-0

Matt Weston

Johnson looks entirely different than he did in 2019. This is [kitten]ing WILD.

Vega

We’re set, guys. No WAY Mahomes can come back against this team. It’s in the bag.

Carlos Flores

I was going to say that it looks like his speed is there.

UprootedTexan

GLORY TO HUNDRED DUCK OFFENSE!

Mike Bullock

What is the gameplan to put up the first 52 points so he can’t comeback, anyway?

Joe Critz

if johnson has his jump cuts from 2016 back, we’re set

and he certainly made some deadly cuts during that drive

and that speed is real

Mike Bullock

As long as no Cowboy Lamar Miller’s him, we might be set

Matt Weston

It’s a crappy run defense with slow linebackers, but yes, David Johnson looks entirely different than he did last season in Arizona.

UprootedTexan

Today is the first day the NFL, MLB, NHL, WNBA, MLS, and NBA have all played on the same day.

Joe Critz

man i forgot the anxiety that u get when watching a football game

my hearts gonna hurt tonight haha

UprootedTexan

Such is the fate of all Texans fans.

Vega

Just gotta power through, Joe.

With beer

Mike Bullock

It’s the same feeling I get when I knock on BFDs front door

Joe Critz

nice tackle!

UprootedTexan

We must battlefight through the ditches and battlefight against the witches.

BFD

Cunningham with a great stop.

Matt Weston

It’s cool the Chiefs keeping running the ball up the middle

Mike Bullock

Boo

Joe Critz

good call

BFD

Andy Reid + Screens = luv4ever

Joe Critz

oh they’re in kelce mode

Carlos Flores

Kelce doing Kelce things.

UprootedTexan

Got[kitten] do I hate Travis Kelce.

l4blitzer

Chiefs: oh, you want to throw screens, we can do that too...

Mike Bullock

Good thing we didn’t need to upgrade the defense...

UprootedTexan

We have Jacob Martin, that IS the upgrade.

Joe Critz

Cunningham gotta speed up

BFD

After that 4th, this drive has been brutally efficient.

Carlos Flores

On one hand, CHE could be a huge difference maker in this game. On the other, he could be a difference maker on my fantasy teams. Tough call.

Mike Bullock

Someone needs to get Reid a Nacho Burger

Joe Critz

gotta say i thought the players would be a bit rusty because of so little preparation compared to other years, but so far they’ve looked pretty good

BFD

On both sides and both teams.

SECOND QUARTER:

Carlos Flores

Aaron Rodgers was just on Pat McAfee’s show explaining that he didn’t expect many teams to show rust on offense or defense. He did suggest that special teams may see some goofs.

Mike Bullock

Justin with the stick

l4blitzer

Wow...we held Kelce to minimal gain...improvement!!!

BFD

Carlos Watkins was in coverage?

No, hustling back.

Mike Bullock

That’s our secondary upgrade!!

Joe Critz

there it is

Matt Weston

lmao keep throwing it to Robinson

Mike Bullock

Boo!

Mahomes to Kelce touchdown. Game tied 7-7.

l4blitzer

Oh, never mind. That first down play was a fluke.

Joe Critz

cunningham is the only guy that i can even fathom being able to cover him

UprootedTexan

Buttger ::giggle::

Joe Critz

and that would only be for crossing routes

Mike Bullock

Brandin Cooks go route for 6... and GO!

Matt Weston

LJJ v. Kelce doesn’t work, Reid v. Kelce doesn’t work, AJ Moore v. Kelce doesn’t work.

UprootedTexan

A tranq gun v. Kelce might work.

Carlos Flores

Kelce is literally Thanos with the Infinity stones to this defense.

Mike Bullock

Carlos Watkins vs Kelce doesn’t... oh forget it.

Joe Critz

you just gotta kill him with perfect zone coverage

just flood where he is with linebackers and just try and disrupt the throwing lane

UprootedTexan

[Durga], how big was the dump truck full of money that it took to get Paul Giamatti to be in that Volkswagen ad?

Carlos Flores

That Big Fat Liar money couldn’t last forever.

Touchback, Texans ball.

Mike Bullock

Fuller!

Joe Critz

justin reid stole fullers locks

l4blitzer

Good, our first 1st down play action of the day

Vega

Anybody else get nervous anytime Fuller is involved in a play?

BFD

It looks like the biggest offensive change, so far, is that Kelly is getting the ball out of Watson’s hand faster.

It’s no longer making the eleventy dimensional reads.

Joe Critz

looked a lot like the divisional round there

UprootedTexan

C’mon, go for it.

l4blitzer

...and our first lookout block of the night...

UprootedTexan

[Kitten]in’ coward.

BFD

Chiefs read the kitten out of that play.

Luke

Darling Darling, you simply must try this Run Pass Option, it is simply delectable.

Texans Punt, Chiefs Ball.

Joe Critz

i’m calling an interception on this drive

Matt Weston

COWARDS

Joe Critz

or a turnover of some sort

Carlos Flores

Wait, is this commercial in reference to Succession?! Best show on streaming right now.

Mike Bullock

O’Brien fought the urge to call a fake punt and won. #Progress

l4blitzer

No, BO’B is only aggressive when we are inside our own 35.

Mike Bullock

Oh, he fights that urge inside their 35 too

UprootedTexan

I was really nervous that he was going to fake punt there and I was going to have to throw my television in the backyard.

Joe Critz

i saw the punt team looking at each other in some funky way and got nervous

Luke

Punting is for cowards and the French.

BFD

New Reid out there.

Joe Critz

nice run by williams, mannnnn

l4blitzer

I’ve missed football...I don’t miss the NBC green zone graphic.

Mike Bullock

Time for J.J. Watt to do something

Joe Critz

the grass is always duller on the other side

[KITTEN] THAT WAS IT

THAT WAS THE TURNOVER RIGHT THERE

UprootedTexan

Aw [kitten], Joe almost pulled a Nostradamus there.

Joe Critz

man eat my whole [kitten] eric murray

Carlos Flores

ERIC MURRAY WITH THE BUTTERFINGERS!

l4blitzer

No, that is just his first pass deflection of the year

Luke

Holy [kitten] that was straight air mail

Joe Critz

eric the enemy

Carlos Flores

Love that one, Joe.

Mike Bullock

We just don’t have a defense to stop an offense this good...

Luke

Honest question. Would a credible run game really help this Chiefs offense or would it take away from their free flowing passing attack

Mike Bullock

Maybe we can fix that in the off-season...

UprootedTexan

I don’t imagine there are too many defenses that can.

Carlos Flores

I think CEH adds another dimension for opposing defenses to account for. I loved that pick.

Joe Critz

i feel like a good run game would help a passing offense since that’s more the defense can get confused by

Mike Bullock

That’s not what I meant when I said JJ needed to do something

UprootedTexan

Aw J.J., c’mon

Joe Critz

we cannot stop their run game

what is happening

aren’t we supposed to be good on the run

BFD

Snap counts is going to be super interesting tomorrow.

Matt Weston

Luke, KC having a good rushing attack just makes the game quicker once they go up big. It’s a luxury they didn’t need to have.

I’m so happy to have Kelechi Osemele back in my life.

UprootedTexan

I never need to hear about that divisional game ever again.

Joe Critz

finally a good stop on the run

Luke

Listen, if Mike Vrabel wasn’t so charismatic we might have stood a chance in this game.

Joe Critz

the funniest game i’ve ever seen

Carlos Flores

Pat Mahomes just got lit up.

Joe Critz

they just can’t do it

Mike Bullock

Watkins is officially an unperson

Matt Weston

Cool punt, cowards

UprootedTexan

Wait...

Carlos Flores

Thats a 1st and goal. Guaranteed.

BFD

Is Skates Johnson even on the field now?

UprootedTexan

Yeah, I mean at this point it’s just a matter of WHEN they get the touchdown.

Matt Weston

I haven’t seen LJJ at all. Seems like AJ Moore and John Reid took his spot.

Luke

Not going for it on 4th down against the Chiefs is the Crime, this is the Punishment.

l4blitzer

Is this going to be a game where we get one chance each drive on defense and if we can’t make the play, we automatically give up the touchdown?

Joe Critz

it certainly feels like that haha

man they had to tackle him 3 times

l4blitzer

Our newest defensive weapon...overturned touchdowns.

UprootedTexan

There it is.

Joe Critz

it was a nice attempt, though

Mahomes to Watkins for a touchdown. Chiefs lead 14-7.

UprootedTexan

That...uh...that sucked.

Matt Weston

We’re watching the Alex Smith Chiefs again and I [kitten]ing can’t take it

Luke

10 rushes already for CEH

Mike Bullock

JJ Watt needs help like Barry Sanders did... man...

Carlos Flores

What a screen. Anything we can do, they can do better.

Joe Critz

at least we get to watch saquon shave

i unironically love saquon and would love to kiss his clean shaved face

UprootedTexan

To be fair, screens are a new thing to the Texans. They’ve never done them before tonight.

Texans ball at 20 yard line.

Joe Critz

id like to see cobb get some action

dump off pass to him

Mike Bullock

Fells needs to learn to run people over

UprootedTexan

Yeah, where is Randall Cobb, anyway?

Joe Critz

he was on the field a few times but nothing yet

Matt Weston

There’s the drag-flat zone read offfense

Carlos Flores

I forgot Randall Cobb in my 53-man prediction, and you mentioning him is the first time I’ve been reminded of that.

Luke

Darren Fells runs like he’s unsure if his body might crumple on it’s next step.

Joe Critz

first mediocre run by johnson this game so far haha

BFD

THAT’S OUR PLAY CALL???

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Mike Bullock

Well, that seemed familiar...

Joe Critz

wow hahaha

at least it worked

[Durga] almighty

BFD

Conservative to the bitter end.

l4blitzer

Walmart webcam??? Nope, that is just not working for me

Mike Bullock

It’s like, instead of saying “umm” when he doesn’t know what to say O’Brien just blurts out “run the a gap”

UprootedTexan

Welp, there’s our one deep pass of the game.

l4blitzer

Guess that explains why we haven’t seen any deep passes

Joe Critz

lets go david johnson!

l4blitzer

Nice catch and run by David Johnson

Carlos Flores

I thought Cooks was supposed to be a vertical threat? There was little to no separation on that play.

UprootedTexan

Ick.

Joe Critz

they’re afraid of mathieu and thornhill

which i absolutely would be as well

UprootedTexan

Okay Akins, do the thing.

Joe Critz

there’s akins

Mike Bullock

Go Akins go!

Carlos Flores

Look at Jordan Akins!

l4blitzer

JUUUSSSSTTTT a bit outside

UprootedTexan

Tried the corner and missed.

Joe Critz

AAA

man that was close haha

UprootedTexan

What the [kitten] was that?

Joe Critz

welp

BFD

No go to guy on 3rd again.

Joe Critz

very confusing calls there

UprootedTexan

Sigh...

Carlos Flores

Bringing out Fairbairn for the first time.

Mike Bullock

All Field Goal Offense to save the day!

l4blitzer

...or not

Ka’imi Fairbairn misses the kick. Badly. Chiefs ball.

Mike Bullock

Or not...

UprootedTexan

Brace for impact.

Matt Weston

KC has three timeouts left too

Joe Critz

jeez man

that couldn’t have gone much worse

Carlos Flores

We should have picked up Rodrigo Blankenship.

Luke

Field Goals are also for cowards

Matt Weston

At least Ka’imi isn’t the third highest paid kicker in the league

Mike Bullock

Yes. Good point Matt.

Matt Weston

I don’t like Ka’imi’s chain. He’s feeling himself too much since he got that big deal.

Joe Critz

[DURGAAAAAA]

UprootedTexan

Well that’s going against Houston somehow.

Joe Critz

this is gonna decide the game right here

Mike Bullock

Kelce hands to the face?

Joe Critz

we coulda tied the game up or gotten a field goal at halftime

Mike Bullock

Or not...

Joe Critz

but instead...this

UprootedTexan

Oh like [kitten] that’s a horse collar. [Kitten] you.

Carlos Flores

Hands weren’t even close.

l4blitzer

Uh...I think we have our first bad call of the season

UprootedTexan

Well it is Clete Blakeman, after all.

Mike Bullock

There’s our INT

Carlos Flores

Cunningham back to back. OOF.

Joe Critz

please just block it or something

mr lucious locks

l4blitzer

At least we held them to a field goal

Chiefs field goal is good, lead 17-7.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz

that’s gonna hurt

Mike Bullock

Well, I was expecting like 35 to 17 by now, so there’s that...

Joe Critz

was feeling okay overall until those mistakes on our last drive

should be either tied or a one possession game right now, but instead its 10 point lead with kc getting the ball back in the 3rd

will likely score again

BFD

Shocked by how clean this game is. I mean, just completely in awe. Tim Kelly is a slightly better play-caller than BOB, so far, at least. No DeAndre Hopkins already massively hurts.

Vega

You have to take advantage of the opportunities against KC. They haven’t done that.

Luke

Also, just saw the Chiefs fans booing at the start of the game. Great work KC.

l4blitzer

If the Texans are going to entertain any hopes to avoid the Houston 0-fer, they have to hold the Chiefs to no worse than a field goal for the opening drive in the second half. That and have to tackle guys like Kelce a lot better.

Vega

I think we knew the offense was going to have some growing pains, but it’s a bit painful to watch. Johnson has been pleasantly good, but the rest of the WR corp has been lost.

Matt Weston

The 4th and 4 punt nixes all good will. It’s fun watching the Alex Smith Chiefs again. They’re playing basketball against Houston tonight, and it’s working without an answer for Travis Kelce, and the run defense is stinky without Reader so far.

Carlos Flores

There were a few drives where the offense really seemed to be clicking. David Johnson was looking very Foster-ish. However, it seems that there’s a wolfman-esque fight occurring with the offensive play calling. Rivers has a great point that there have been few deep balls with this “vertical offense”. Significant adjustments will need to be made at the half to stand a chance at getting back in this. Kelce will do Kelce things to this defense, which I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the FCC about how this kind of public abuse isn’t suited for national broadcast.

Matt Weston

@Luke I’d boo the Houston Texans too

Mike Bullock

Someone on the defense needs to step up. I figured JJ would have at least done something, anything, good by now but no.

Joe Critz

my only assumption is that they just don’t feel good about their chances with the deep ball right now for some reason, and running the ball and short passes has mostly worked so far, so they just wanna stick with that

but like, we’re losing, so it’s time to open up

Luke

In all seriousness. The margin of error against the Chiefs is so small that this was bound to happen. Unless you have an offense that is 80% of the Chiefs and a defense that is able to at least slow them then this is the most likely outcome.

Joe Critz

ur right

Luke

Cobb has more snaps that Cooks

Joe Critz

i can only assume this is just “attack their weakest spot” which is linebacker, but it hasn’t worked well enough yet

Kenneth L.

our defense sucks more than a straw

Luke

It’s playing as advertised.

Kenneth L.

Justin Reid is the only reason we are in this game.

we miss DJ Reader sooooooooooooooooooo badly

UprootedTexan

I miss DeAndre.

Kenneth L.

Charles Omenihu is getting abused. Manhandled. Dominated

Joe Critz

Has Ross Blacklock been in much?

Luke

I mean if the Chiefs played faster and threw more then this could be worse.

Joe Critz

i thought i saw him in there a few times but i couldn’t tell

Luke

Can’t find any snap numbers on gsis right no

THIRD QUARTER:

Kenneth L.

he had one good defensive stoop

Luke

If anything the weird focus on the run game by the Chiefs might be the Texans saving grace.

If you’re burning clock you’re not running up the score by scoring 3 times in a few minutes.

BFD

Omenihu is a rotational piece, not a starter.

Kenneth L.

Andy Reid’s headset is the swaggiest thing since aviators

UprootedTexan

Learn to [kitten]ing tackle, please.

Kenneth L.

Cunningham went the wrong way

Carlos Flores

Tackling? Never heard of her.

Joe Critz

every time elaire clowns our entire defense i cry

Kenneth L.

thats a lot of tears

Joe Critz

at least john reid has been playing WE ARE

UprootedTexan

Darrel Williams is the only RB the Texans have been able to tackle.

Carlos Flores

J.J. ran after CEH like he had a loaded diaper on that play.

UprootedTexan

Wow, a penalty against KC? They can do that?

l4blitzer

Increased the degree of difficulty for KC

Kenneth L.

watt definitely does waddle a little now

Carlos Flores

Goodell wants this game to be at least a little bit competitive.

Luke

Jim Nantz voice Texans CB’s playing 5 yards off. A tradition unlike any other.

Kenneth L.

9 years in the NFL will do that to a person

Joe Critz

there was our shot to force a punt

l4blitzer

I gotta admin, that was a heck of a block on Roby

UprootedTexan

I’m going to hate this defense, aren’t I?

Mike Bullock

Yes

BFD

Robinson got 5 more yards than he should have. JKK.

Joe Critz

maybe they’ll improve over the course of. the season

pain

Matt Weston

This defense is even worse than I thought it would be

Kenneth L.

this is ugly

Carlos Flores

So. Much. Pain.

BFD

We’re gonna need a search party for Reid’s jock.

Clyde Edwards-Helaire with 27-yard touchdown run. Chiefs lead 24-7.

Joe Critz

justin reid slipped and that was it

Luke

Well Joe, the good news is that they probably won’t play a better offense this season.

Joe Critz

it is easier to fun the ball when it’s wet

Kenneth L.

mckinney didnt move his feet

Matt Weston

The McKinney miss in the hole was [kitten]ed up

Joe Critz

the reason they’re both running so much is probably cuz of the moisture

Kenneth L.

this defense is going to be a problem

l4blitzer

(In a Kurtz voice) The missed tackles...the missed tackles

Mike Bullock

Well, The Chefs are halfway done scoring, so there’s that

Joe Critz

idk man this hurts

Luke

It’ll be okay Joe don’t fret.

Kenneth L.

I’m going to go into the bathroom now and look at myself and say “you are an inferior person” until i believe it. Then i can know how this defense feels

Luke

Embrace the darkness.

UprootedTexan

Houston Texans Fans: Peering Into The Abyss Since 2002.

Carlos Flores

Fantasy gains aside, it’s refreshing to be reminded of the Texans Fan Experience.

Luke

Yo Matty did you see the PFT report about the Texans making a late push to get Clowney?

Kenneth L.

me watching this game right now

Luke

Yeah I was just thinking that i’m glad i’m not playing you this week Carlos.

Mike Bullock

And just think, we get the Ravens next week...

Matt Weston

lol yeah I saw that Luke. I didn’t believe that [kitten] at all.

Kenneth L.

mark ingram is salivating

Joe Critz

okay we’re back, we better be uncorking that thing right now

Matt Weston

I do like the idea of Bill O’Brien hearing Clowney’s thinking about going to Tennessee and running out to his back porch muttering, [kitten], [kitten], [kitten], to go give Jack Easterby a call

Texans ball at the 21-yard line.

Carlos Flores

If the Texans reached out to Clowney last second, I’d equate it to being at the altar and your least favorite ex reaches out to see if you’ll run away with them. The Texans will be at the reception.

Matt Weston

That’s why you never talk to exes Carlos.

Luke

I like the fact that the reason Clowney stayed was that he as enamored about being led by a man like Mike Vrabel.

UprootedTexan

::sobs uncontrollably at DeAndre Hopkins graphic::

BFD

This offensive scheme, again, is a waste of time.

Joe Critz

bad pass

Luke

“Missing DeAndre Hopkins”

Matt Weston

lmao, I know the Vrabel leadership thing is a meme, but I’d cut my [kitten] off for him

Mike Bullock

First down

l4blitzer

Hey, we are just trying to give the defense a chance to rest so it can...get scored upon on a series of running plays...[kitten]it!!!!

UprootedTexan

Somehow, Matt, I don’t think you’re kidding when you say that.

BFD

CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM CHUM

Luke

Uh Huh, any man who is willing to castrate himself for victory is a man I’d follow

Carlos Flores

Things never change. Comedy is a circle.

BFD

MOAR CHUM.

Luke

@UprootedTexan Vrabel has publicly stated he would tie his tubes if he won a SB as Titans coach.

Joe Critz

reid wanted to cut off his pinky toe for a super bowl and he beat vrabels [kitten] cutting defense so that tell u about what the football gods want to see

Matt Weston

Woah woah woah, I never said castrate myself, I’m keeping the sack

I’m not trying to look like Benjy from the Sound and the Fury

Luke

Or a Ken Doll

Just all smooth except for a bump

Joe Critz

i just screamed

Matt Weston

That’s what I’m talking about

BFD

GEE, HOW THE KITTEN DID WE GET 3RD AND LONG AGAIN.

Carlos Flores

That was too hairy.

UprootedTexan

Oh go [kitten] yourself BOB.

Luke

I mean you’d still need to worry about peeing

UprootedTexan

That’s what catheters are for, Luke.

Carlos Flores

I’ve mentioned this among friends before, but I’ll die before I let myself get cath’d

Kenneth L.

Matt doesn’t pee, he’s too efficient for any waste

Luke

I’m just imagining a Ken Doll with a straw sticking out of his crotch right now.

Matt Weston

Tytus Howard still can’t meet edge rushers at the point of attack. This is going to be a problem all year. Teams aren’t going to give Laremy Tunsil their best pass rusher.

@Luke With Mike Vrable screaming at him to set the edge

BFD (who is desperately trying to keep this football-related)

McKinney is still sexy when he’s thumping downhill.

Carlos Flores

Look at McKinney with a decent tackle.

Kenneth L.

so are you BFD

Luke

EdjSports (@edjsports)

The #Texans’ decision to punt doesn’t have a huge impact on win probability because their GWC is so low at this point.

However, going for it is still the right call.

#HOUvsKC #Kickoff2020

chefs kiss

Joe Critz

PAIN

BFD

Skates Johnson sighting. What a waste of a pick.

Joe Critz

elf sighting

Matt Weston

He needs one more year BFD!

l4blitzer

Wow, Al and Chris are already going to the filler conversation...

Matt Weston

They’re just like us!

Luke

Ours is wayyyy better

Carlos Flores

I misread electric on that graphic describing Mahomes as “erect”.

Kenneth L.

wow we are getting shredded

UprootedTexan

If you gave me $400 million I’d be erect too, honestly.

Luke

I’d like to see to see Al and Chris work a convo about Mike Vrabel’s reproductive organs.

BFD

Misread, Carlos, or projected?

Carlos Flores

A little bit of both.

UprootedTexan

They haven’t started talking about betting lines yet so they haven’t hit the bottom of the filler talk barrel yet.

Joe Critz

defense is improving at the stopping the run, at least

l4blitzer

Not sure I want Collingsworth going on a diatribe about catheters.

Matt Weston

They should talk about how Brandin Cooks can’t outrun L’Jarius Sneed because he’s already hurt

Luke

I imagine it would be as informed as his colour commentary.

BFD

*color

l4blitzer

Luke: true

BFD

/ducks

UprootedTexan

@l4blitzer Yeah, for that I want to hear Kevin Harlan.

Joe Critz

2nd punt for the chiefs i think

or 3rd maybe i cant remember

Texans ball at their own 5-yard line

Kenneth L.

god [kitten] the chiefs are perfec

andy reid has perfected football

Luke

Don’t make me cathe you with the superflous U BFD

Carlos Flores

Tommy Townsend kind of looks like a brunette Trevor Lawrence.

Joe Critz

he does haha

who’s trevor going to

Kenneth L.

T Mobile and Sprint talk about how cool they are and how humble they are and how great they are... and I just dont give a [kitten]

Matt Weston

Whatever he is, he’s beautiful

Joe Critz

jacksonville?

Luke

Fox News?

Kenneth L.

[Kitten] + [Kitten] = More [Kitten]

l4blitzer

Whoever gives him the best hair care product endorsement deal

Luke

Jacksonville would make the most sense. But it really depends on how little Jacksonville wants to care about this season.

and whether or not anyone can out suck them.

UprootedTexan

They gave away the entire store and are running Gardner Minschew at QB, I think they’re Trevor Lawrence-committed.

Matt Weston

Yeah I think JAX. They don’t give a [kitten] this year, and they’re faking that they do with their cute little videos.

UprootedTexan

WHY ARE THEY BRINGING [WEAKEST LINK] BACK?!

Luke

Like there are a tonne of teams who actively need a new QB. Steelers, Panthers, Titans, Raiders

Matt Weston

Minshew is cool though. He’s like Ryan Fitzpatrick with mustache. The Panthers don’t!!!!!!

Kenneth L.

If Transplant is the best show on TV, im a pretty little princess

UprootedTexan

He’s cool but he’s crap.

Joe Critz

I’d love the steelers to get a new qb man

BFD

Tim Kelly is Bill O’Brien.

Matt Weston

He can throw downfield and that’s the only thing I care about anymore.

Joe Critz

I think Big Ben is done and is gonna suck this year

l4blitzer

Alright, I get the run inside your own ten, but we might want to start opening it up a bit, no?

UprootedTexan

Inshallah.

Kenneth L.

Apple with a great ad. I love being in advertising sometimes and just thinking about the ins and outs of their targeting and their message

But also the materialistic capitalism and consumerism that we promote also makes me cringe a lot

UprootedTexan

Racist chant time!

FOURTH QUARTER:

Matt Weston

Advertising works. I drank a diet coke today because of Rivers’s Bill O’Brien gif

UprootedTexan

[Kitten].

Luke

I love Mad Men, but I detest advertising

Watson picked off on dead duck throw. Chiefs ball at Texans’ 15-yard line

Joe Critz

well that’s it

Kenneth L.

Darren Fells [kitten] you

UprootedTexan

I wonder how the Golden Knights game is going...

Kenneth L.

Houston about to pull an 0-3 today

l4blitzer

Serena up a set in the US Open...

Carlos Flores

Nothing like going to bed with fresh tears.

Luke

I got a rad slice of sourdough in the toaster right now.

Kenneth L.

lololol

i just went to town on Chinese food from Chinatown. It was aggressive, savage, and uncomfortable for everyone else to watch

UprootedTexan

Mrs. UT just ordered a coconut cream pie from a pie shop for dessert tonight. I think that pie is getting housed tonight.

Carlos Flores

PHRASING.

Luke

Nice. It’s Berry picking season here and all the blackberry bushes are full so I went picking last week and got enough for an apple and blackberry crumble that’s fantastic.

UprootedTexan

The only reason the Chiefs didn’t score there is because the receiver couldn’t get a hand on the ball.

l4blitzer

The intimidation of Lonnie Johnson on that play...

Luke

He saw the footwork king comin

Kenneth L.

Kansas City is a better team

BFD

I’m old enough to remember how bad[kitten] this all vertical offense was going to be.

UprootedTexan

::writes on chalkboard::

I will not jump to conclusions after one game.

I will not jump to conclusions after one game.

I will not jump to conclusions after one game.

Kenneth L.

i need a cigar

UprootedTexan

Vegas going to overtime against Dallas.

Joe Critz

Texans are like New England where they always have a few games every year where they just SUCK

hopefully this is one of those games

l4blitzer

Looks like the Warp Speed offense has a bad warp core at the moment.

Luke

Oh Kenneth if you are anywhere near an Asian market anytime soon then hoard Crispy Chilli Oil because that [kitten] is worth it’s weight in gold.

l4blitzer

Are, are they fat shamming Reid???

Carlos Flores

They’re just fat shaming Andy Reid at this point.

UprootedTexan

That was a really, really labored way to get to a “cherry on top” reference.

Kenneth L.

i have some chili oil from trader joes that is fire

UprootedTexan

OMKG.

Kenneth L.

bbbbbbboooooooooooooooo

Joe Critz

man.

Luke

back to being serious for a second.

Kenneth L.

honestly its smart for the chiefs so they can waste more time.

Luke

Do we honestly believe that Tim Kelly is calling the plays tonight?

l4blitzer

At this point, I want to see the Chiefs run something from the 1920s now.

Carlos Flores

BOB saw how much fun he was having and took the responsibility back.

UprootedTexan

I do, but I also think he’s on a really tight leash.

Mahomes to Hill for the touchdown. Chiefs lead 31-7

Luke

Is the leash just Kelly pointing at a play on the sheet and BOB going “Yes” or “No”

Carlos Flores

Roby got scorched on that one.

UprootedTexan

Kenneth L.

welp.

anyone think the ravens game will be any different?

Luke

Probably not. If this is the run D then it’s going to be even worse.

UprootedTexan

I imagine Kelly gets maybe three games before BOB decides to take playcalling back. And we won’t notice a bit of difference when he does.

l4blitzer

The question is now do the Texans get a cosmetic score or two to end the game?

Matt Weston

I’m sticking to calling Tim Kelly Bill O’Brien’s third nipple

UprootedTexan

In some cultures third nipples are considered a sign of good luck.

Texans ball at the 25-yard line

Matt Weston

Well those cultures must not have Houston Texans football

Kenneth L.

alright Deshaun lets go

Luke

I’m just sad Adam Schefter got up this morning crying because he knew that football was back and then he got this.

Kenneth L.

Randall Cobb has been non existent

Matt Weston

Randall Cobb has zero targets so far lmao

l4blitzer

Meanwhile, Jason La Canfora is thrilled about this performance. Another Texans suck piece coming...

UprootedTexan

Is that the first timeout called in the entire game?

Carlos Flores

If this were Madden, I’d be mashing for no huddle right now.

Joe Critz

the defense did get better at stopping run, so there’s a silver lining

Luke

Always mash for no huddle.

Joe Critz

you can only hope they continue that against baltimore next week or we’re looking at a disgusting 0-2 rn

Kenneth L.

that Chevy trailblazer looks cool. Looks like my car

(comment is paid for by Chevy Corportation)

Carlos Flores

Once I get either the Series X or the PS5, and when Madden finally decides to make a decent game, I will never play with a BOB playbook again. I’d rather use John Madden’s playbook.

l4blitzer

For the ads tonight, I feel like the Dune trailer won, but that is just me.

Kenneth L.

Apple had an awesome ad

Joe Critz

there’s that maximum football game that’s coming out soon that’s better than madden

Matt Weston

The first month is rough. They get BAL, maybe Ben Roethlisberger before his head is the shape of an old potato, and the 2012 Houston Texans (Minnesota).

UprootedTexan

I still can’t believe Paul Giamatti was in multiple Volkswagen ads.

Luke

I think the Texans have a chance in those Vikings and Steelers game.

I don’t think it’s a great chance.

Joe Critz

me too

UprootedTexan

Vegas lost. World is a [kitten].

Matt Weston

They have a chance, but it’s rough.

Luke

But you’re betting against Cousinman Kirk and Large Benjamin.

Matt Weston

And Gary Kubiak’s REVENGE GAME

Carlos Flores

Wow. Didn’t see that 4th and 8 working out.

UprootedTexan

It took 52 minutes and 31 KC points before BOB went for it on fourth down.

Kenneth L.

why the [kitten] are we handing the ball off down this much

Luke

Can’t wait for Dalvin Cook and Alexander Mattison to go all Foster and Tate

l4blitzer

How original, a middle run on 1st down

Matt Weston

That 4th and 8 was legitimately beautiful

Carlos Flores

Akins is the true TE1

Kenneth L.

that was a flase start

wait is this a TD?

idk but my computer is dying. and so is my soul

Matt Weston

Adam Thielen is Andre Johnson. Kyle Rudolph is Owen Daniels. Irv Smith is James Casey.

l4blitzer

Our first cosmetic score of the year

Watson to Akins for the garbage time TD. Two point attempt failed. Chiefs lead 31-13.

Joe Critz

if they hadn’t given up the last touchdown this game might be actually interesting

only if haha

BFD

Kudos to all who called a blowout with Texans scoring garbage points to make it look closer.

Luke

Now that’s a RESPECTABLE SCORE

Joe Critz

i was absolutely wrong and i’m gonna own up to it

i thought this was gonna be a close shootout

texans passing offense is disgusting

Matt Weston

The only thing explosive about this offense is my diarrhea

UprootedTexan

Did we get “processed?” Because I mean I know teams that play Bama get processed but this feels like we got processed.

Joe Critz

trust the process

Carlos Flores

Same. I put the score super high and set unrealistic expectations. 11-5 looks way bleaker.

Chiefs ball at 27-yard line

Luke

You’re okay Joe. At least you didn’t pick the Texans to win like some folks.

Matt Weston

At least J.J. Watt is playing the run tonight.

Joe Critz

clyde edwards eclair

Carlos Flores

I need that edit. Great hit on that play too.

UprootedTexan

Al Michaels telling the audience at home that the H in Clyde Edwards-Helaire is silent as though it were new information to everybody >>>

Ah, garbage time Will Fuller is a sight to behold.

Joe Critz

fantasy points!

Matt Weston

This is just like the 2017 game without the J.J. Watt injury

Joe Critz

hey cobb is here!

l4blitzer

ALERT, ALERT: Randall Cobb sighting!!! ALERT, ALERT

Carlos Flores

Couldn’t have timed his appearance any better.

Joe Critz

terrible sign for the offensive line

entire offense will fall apart if they don’t play well

Watson runs it in for a touchdown. Chiefs lead 31-20.

Joe Critz

well that didn’t work lol

Texans attempt onside kick and fail. Chief return ball 20 yards. Chiefs ball.

Carlos Flores

If they would have returned that onside, I’d start breaking stuff.

l4blitzer

Wow...Watt nearly blew that up...but, as par for the course tonight, a big run for KC

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores

P.J. Hall just killed someone.

Joe Critz

okay so i’m gonna be optimistic

i guess that’s my thing now

david johnson looked good, defense improved against the run as the game wore on

passing offense was terrible and everyone, including watson, it to blame. but i’m hoping that is just rust and will go away soon

Carlos Flores

These first 3 games will be brutal, harsh lessons in what this team needs to improve on. I think it could be like running with a training parachute. Once we take the parachute off, maybe things will go better?

l4blitzer

We are still winning the 4th quarter

BFD

2020 Houston Texans: Same As It Ever Was.

Joe Critz

water flowing underground

Chiefs with the field goal, lead 34-20.

Touchback. Texans ball at 25-yard line.

Joe Critz

but anyways i’m pleased by the running backs and the improvement the defense made in jut one game. if the passing attack and offensive line can work things out and get to where they should be, i’ll be happy

just hurts to watch an offense that should be capable of so much more

l4blitzer

Remember when we used to win season openers...yeah, those were days.

FINAL SCORE: CHIEFS 34 - TEXANS 20.

GAME BALLS:

It doesn’t seem right to give game balls on a night like this, but we’ll give it a shot.

Offense: Deshaun Watson is always a great candidate for a game ball, but since the expectations were so uncertain, this week’s ball goes to new Texans RB David Johnson.

Defense: Let’s live a little and give this week’s ball to P.J. Hall. Sure, his moment came when the Texans were effectively out of it, but still to knock Clyde Edwards-Helaire on his backside was fun to watch.

Special Teams: 404 Error, Page Not Found.

So what do y’all think? Think someone else should get a game ball? Are you glad Texans football is back? How do you think BOB did in his seventh season opener as head coach of the Texans? Let us know in the comments section!