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Houston Sports Ministry of Information Week Two Preview - Baltimore Ravens

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We are at war with Baltimore. We have always been at war with Baltimore.

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans.

Comrades! It took little effort to show world that Houston Texans, whose brand of football entire football world is envious of and wishes to emulate more than anything, are able to stand on same field with alleged Super Bowl champions. Maybe some day Kansas City Chiefs will be able to live up to sterling example of football excellence our glorious Texans display every day in every way.

But we do not need to discuss dim past. Now we look to future to see next opponent football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans will play with as cat plays with dead mouse. For Week Two, in what can only be misguided effort by NFL to try and confuse stalwart Texans, next opponent is Ravens of Baltimore, team, town awash with crime, corruption, and malfeasance of basest variety.

Is nothing special to Baltimore. Nothing of value comes from there and only cultural contributions ever made by city, if even exists, is famed documentary “Wire” and somehow worse version of Natty Lite beer. To make up for tragic dearth of culture, most Baltimoreans have taken up long and fulfilling lives of crime, to surprise of almost nobody, and Ravens are perfect embodiment of that ethos.

Their uniform was inspired, according to former team owner and likely acolyte of traitor Bud Adams, Art Modell, by Northwestern University football uniforms. Leaving aside fact that they stole colors from another team, how do you choose to steal from school whose team makes literally nobody—not players, not coaches, not fans, not boosters, nobody—happy watching them? What does that say about team you supposedly want to do well? Very little, comrades; is little surprise that as result, Ravens have never succeeded in Baltimore and certainly never achieved level of consistency that our glorious Texans obtain on yearly basis.

Then there’s team’s name: Ravens. May appear to be little more than allusion to drunkard Edgar Allan Poe, who foretold two different genres of pornography by writing stories about about cousin and, curiously enough, everybody dying of tuberculosis. Ministry of Information is deeply disturbed by these tales and hopes that Poe, who has been dead for 170 years, gets therapy he so desperately needs. Name Ravens gives away wholly duplicitous nature of team, for what is group of ravens called but conspiracy? Baltimore football team has been home to numerous conspiracies. Those conspiracies range from benign, such as helping to cover up Ray Lewis’ double homicide. Do you think Ray Lewis would ever WANT to remain in Baltimore instead of real city like Houston? No! He was tied to Ravens because had he ever attempted to leave, his jacket would’ve mysteriously turned up at Atlanta police station. Was blackmail and is beneath dignity of any football team to stoop to such low tricks to keep talent. They should take page from Texans, who know how to keep top players productive and never want to leave Houston.

Then there’s little matter of theft of last year’s MVP award by Lamar Jackson that should have gone to its rightful owner, hero of Texans offense and on-field marshal Deshaun Watson. Lamar Jackson is not quarterback, first of all, and therefore is not eligible to win MVP. He cannot run, he cannot throw, he is sheep in wolf’s clothing. All so-called deep bombs and long runs that Jackson allegedly made were work of diligent and well compensated visual effects artist who used Adobe After Effects to make all football fans THINK they had seen what they had seen. It wasn’t, was breathtaking illusion, which fooled most of football-watching public, except exceedingly intelligent and always wary football fans of Mother Houston! We see through such petty tricks!

But worst conspiracy yet is Ravens’ attempt to discredit Texans, who have done nothing but play upstanding, ethical football, by completely throwing game against South Kentucky Hill People Who Smell Like Cabbage Boiled In Kerosene last January. Is no rational way loathsome hill people could have possibly beaten purple birds in any fair contest. Defies logic that team which lost yet another coveted AFC South title could possibly advance further in playoffs than People’s Football Team of Texas! Can only be work of enemy agents to turn football fans against revolutionary football stylings of Houston Texans. There can and will be no other explanation.

Now, you may notice that the Ministry has not mentioned name of particular Baltimore safety who played for one team and only one team in entire career. Ministry wants to be perfectly clear here. There was no free agent safety from Baltimore who played for glorious Texans. None. That safety is now and will forever be UNPERSON and anyone who utters his name or claims that he played for people of Mother Houston will be purged in extra mean way.

You, great comrades of Motherland, will see many references in next few days to Ravens’ win against Browns. They won handily 38-6, but can all be dismissed by savvy football-knowers like Texans fans are known to be. After all, were playing Browns. Bunch of epileptic seven year-olds with anger issues who have been given a bottle of gin could give Browns difficult game. Or is Bengals Ministry is thinking of? Matters little, more or less same team, especially to drunk children. Whereas Texans will give Ravens far more trouble, especially considering hard-earned, valiant, and mansome 20 points Texans earned against an ungrateful Kansas City team.

Will be little competition for Texans, team remains strong and vigilant against reactionary forces aligned to bring down team and people of Houston. We will not stand for entirely unjustifiable corruption of these enemies at gate, especially he criminal Ravens! We will march forever to victory!

To triumph of Texans, Comrade Marshal O’Brien, lead us on!