Hair of the Dog - Oh, The Pain Edition: Ravens v. Texans

This is kind of where we all expected the Texans to be after these two games, right? After taking on high-powered offenses in Kansas City and Baltimore, it was pretty clear that the Texans would have to dig themselves out of a hole early in the season. So it seems entirely too early to start freaking out about the state of the Texans offense and I refuse to do so.

However, this was supposed to be a wholly renovated offense with an emphasis on speed and more downfield passing, right? I didn’t imagine that, right? That’s why we traded for Brandin Cooks, got David Johnson for...I don’t even want to say it, brought in Randall Cobb and made Will Fuller the top receiver in this offense. Did you see any speed on Sunday? Did you see much in the way of downfield passing? I sure didn’t, and I watched the whole game and everything.

It’s only two games, and the Texans can climb out of the 0-2 hole we knew they’d dig themselves into. But it’s a little concerning how sluggish and, for lack of a better word, small the offense seems, even with all of Bill O’Brien’s “renovations.”

I’m not panicking and neither should you, but I am keeping an eye on how the offense performs next week against the Steelers. Because while one or two games isn’t enough data to infer just how a team can be expected to perform, three games can highlight trends that might go unnoticed in the first two games.

And with that note, let’s move on to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with “kitten” to make this safe to read at work. The game itself would not make these kinds of promises to you.

It’s because we care.

Enjoy!

PREGAME CHATTER:

Carlos Flores at 14:37 PM

The injuries just won’t stop coming in these early games. Let’s hope it’s not a trend for the rest of the afternoon.

Joe Critz at 14:37 PM

you guys ready to feel sad

l4blitzer at 14:39 PM

If Jacksonville was supposed to suck something awful this year, they must not have gotten that email.

Carlos Flores at 14:40 PM

Gardner’s “wild man” aesthetic has dragged him into being a serviceable QB. Everything is going according to plan.

The Cowboys have failed two fake punts today. YOU LOVE TO SEE IT.

Joe Critz at 3:08 PM

idk if you guys are seeing this steelers game but my heart is about to give out

Carlos Flores at 3:10 PM

Also unfortunately Houston is zoned for the Falcons and the Broncos right now

HERE WE GO!

UprootedTexan at 3:26 PM

Durga help us.

FIRST QUARTER:

UprootedTexan at 3:26 PM

Well...at least it wasn’t a run up the middle...

THERE’S the run up the middle.

Joe Critz at 3:27 PM

hahaha

darn

Carlos Flores at 3:27 PM

Go for it.

COWARD.

UprootedTexan at 3:27 PM

Run. Run. Screen. Punt.

Carlos Flores at 3:28 PM

The patented “slow start offense” is in FULL FORCE.

UprootedTexan at 3:29 PM

Odds that the Ravens score a TD here?

BFD at 3:29 PM

aLl VeRtIcAls.

Joe Critz at 3:29 PM

REID

UprootedTexan at 3:29 PM

Reid playing mad.

Carlos Flores at 3:29 PM

Great stop by Justin Reid there.

BFD at 3:30 PM

I mean, we are going to need to score like 35 points to keep this close, and this is our start?

UprootedTexan at 3:30 PM

Wow, they got a stop. I’m stunned.

Joe Critz at 3:31 PM

and its like nothing ever happened

BFD at 3:32 PM

[Kitten], the Cokeboys recovered.

Luke at 3:32 PM

[Durga] wants me to win 50 bucks apparently

UprootedTexan at 3:32 PM

Yeah, they’re gonna win, aren’t they?

Joe Critz at 3:32 PM

oooh some spice!

UprootedTexan at 3:33 PM

Booo.

Joe Critz at 3:34 PM

akins the new hopkins

UprootedTexan at 3:34 PM

Trickery!

Joe Critz at 3:34 PM

wooooo cooks!

Carlos Flores at 3:34 PM

Dang, look at Cooks!

UprootedTexan at 3:35 PM

Injured raven.

Can’t see the name.

BFD at 3:35 PM

Young.

Carlos Flores at 3:35 PM

Young.

UprootedTexan at 3:36 PM

Cowboys win, yet more proof of a lack of god.

Joe Critz at 3:36 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

NO THEY DIDNT

UprootedTexan at 3:36 PM

Yep, game winning field goal.

Joe Critz at 3:36 PM

oh my [Durga] they did

the falcons just cant get over choking away big leads can they

UprootedTexan at 3:37 PM

If it were me, I would just not choke away a big lead.

Carlos Flores at 3:37 PM

I can’t believe it. The Football [Durga]s are just dumping on everyone today.

UprootedTexan at 3:37 PM

Blood for the blood god.

Joe Critz at 3:38 PM

that’s a good way to get fuller hurt

just throw him at linebackers

Carlos Flores at 3:39 PM

That was terrifying.

BFD at 3:40 PM

Learned nothing from what was successful.

Luke at 3:40 PM

Speaking of RPO swing passes. I was just thinking about that Bruce Ellington offense this week.

Joe Critz at 3:41 PM

WATT

UprootedTexan at 3:41 PM

BOB: You see with all that speed, they’re expecting us to run a lot of four verts and throwing deep, so we’re going to subvert their expectations and play smallball. Oh, Wile E. BOB, you are SUCH a genius.

Carlos Flores at 3:42 PM

Playing a million miles off the receivers.

TE troubles strike again.

Luke at 3:42 PM

This is the way

UprootedTexan at 3:42 PM

And yes, Bill O’Brien calls himself Wile E. BOB, that’s canon now.

Carlos Flores at 3:42 PM

Weston was dead on. Andrews is Kelce-lite.

Luke at 3:44 PM

And every single scout wet themselves about him not being able to block when he was coming out

buy into your players strengths and trust that you can coach up the rest.

UprootedTexan at 3:45 PM

Mrs. UT: What happened to your defense?

Me: They’re terrible, that’s what happened.

Luke at 3:45 PM

Honest question. Is there a member of the Texans D who can match Jackson in a footrace?

UprootedTexan at 3:46 PM

At BWW, right now, they’re showing the Texans biffing it on defense, DeAndre Hopkins’ TD on the next screen and the Texans’ abject failure to contain CEH on the big screen. I’d like to die now.

Carlos Flores at 3:46 PM

J.J. Watt really made the most out of that non-tackle.

UprootedTexan at 3:46 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] A JAGS FAN IN THE WILD!

I almost want to tag him and keep him under observation to track his migration patterns.

BFD at 3:47 PM

Really pleased with the pass rush so far. It’s almost completely Martin and Watt, but still.

Joe Critz at 3:48 PM

good stop

after marching down the field like that, i’m happy that we’re keeping them to a field goal

(Ravens strike first, kick a field goal, lead 3-0)

Carlos Flores at 3:49 PM

Tucker is still one of the best kickers in the league. An increasingly rare commodity.

Luke at 3:49 PM

Yeah, not letting them put TD’s on the board early is super valuable.

BFD at 3:50 PM

That D Hopkins guy on the Cards, whoever he is, seems to be quite good.

UprootedTexan at 3:50 PM

::sobs uncontrollably::

Mike Bullock at 3:51 PM

If I squeeze my eyes shut tight enough I can see our offense with a smart play caller.

Joe Critz at 3:52 PM

my favorite thing is the run up the middle

BFD at 3:53 PM

I wouldn’t be shocked if DJ has a very similar year to Hyde from last year: great first game, not much after.

UprootedTexan at 3:53 PM

I know consciously that they can’t go deep ball on every play but can we at least attempt something more than five yards from the LOS, please?

Carlos Flores at 3:53 PM

It’s running up the middle that does it for me. MASOCHISM ROCKS.

Joe Critz at 3:54 PM

OH MY [DURGAAAAAAA]

BFD at 3:54 PM

Jeebus, Watson.

Joe Critz at 3:54 PM

dont punt

Carlos Flores at 3:54 PM

Thank [Durga] he got out of that alive.

UprootedTexan at 3:54 PM

They gonna punt.

Or not. I’d love some consistency from you BOB.

Joe Critz at 3:55 PM

if you wanna run up the middle, why not try on 3rd and 1?

Mike Bullock at 3:55 PM

Fake punt

It worked before... no wait...

UprootedTexan at 3:56 PM

Bill O’Brien should be prohibited by law from attempting a fake punt.

Mike Bullock at 3:56 PM

There is no such thing as a play for 4th and 1. If there was BO’B would know it

BFD at 3:56 PM

I hate our offensive coaching from top to bottom.

Joe Critz at 3:56 PM

PAIN

Carlos Flores at 3:56 PM

Sometimes I do wish that Deshaun was in a better situation.

Luke at 3:56 PM

Yeah I question the PA call there but I applaud the intent.

UprootedTexan at 3:56 PM

Bozhe moi.

Luke at 3:56 PM

Da comrade

Mike Bullock at 3:58 PM

At least we paid a lot for a good punter

l4blitzer at 3:58 PM

How ‘bout giving JJ Watt the ball on direct snap next time?? Could it be any worse?

UprootedTexan at 3:59 PM

Halfback pass.

SECOND QUARTER:

Luke at 3:59 PM

Ha Lonnie

BFD at 3:59 PM

Man, that was an old fashioned power sweep.

Luke at 3:59 PM

That was hilarious just watching him bounce off of Ingram

Joe Critz at 4:00 PM

reid got pushed by his own guy lol

well here we go

UprootedTexan at 4:01 PM

o/~ You hit me like a pi-i-i-i-i-inba-a-a-a-a-a-ll. o/~

Luke at 4:01 PM

Nutty tackle by Reid

(Ravens score TD, lead 10-0)

BFD at 4:02 PM

Duane Brown would handle James Harrison just fine.

Mike Bullock at 4:03 PM

Watching on Youtube TV. They cut to a weather update right as the Ravens were coming to the line, then came back to the game after the touchdown. Apparently Bill OBrien works at Youtube TV too.

UprootedTexan at 4:04 PM

Um, no, I’d like to announce now that the Ministry of Information has entered into a long-term agreement with YouTube TV.

BFD at 4:04 PM

How bad is it in H-town now?

Mike Bullock at 4:04 PM

LOL

UprootedTexan at 4:04 PM

I meant to mention it earlier but, you know, stuff.

Mike Bullock at 4:04 PM

Well, you timed it well with the weather update

Joe Critz at 4:05 PM

STOP THROWING THE TO TIGHT END

Carlos Flores at 4:05 PM

It’s slowed down with the rain. Nothing too crazy as of right now.

BFD at 4:05 PM

All these speedy WRs, and we keep throwing to TEs.

Joe Critz at 4:05 PM

YOU’RE NOT GARDNER MINSHEW

have some confidence deshaun

at least coutee season is back

Carlos Flores at 4:05 PM

KEKE sighting!

Mike Bullock at 4:06 PM

We coulda kept Nuk if they were just gonna throw to Akins all day.

BFD at 4:06 PM

All these speedy WRs, and we have a set with 6 OL and Darren Fells.

Joe Critz at 4:06 PM

like honestly

Luke at 4:06 PM

Keke should never have been benched

Carlos Flores at 4:07 PM

Keke does anything positive

BOB: BACK IN THE DOGHOUSE!

Mike Bullock at 4:07 PM

Keke should also know what routes to run so he doesn’t get benched

BFD at 4:07 PM

Woof.

The talking cat commercial was stupid AF.

UprootedTexan at 4:08 PM

I decline to recognize it.

Mike Bullock at 4:08 PM

You mean drinking cat litter in the wild west isn’t appealing?

UprootedTexan at 4:09 PM

I didn’t have sound, did any of them sound like Sam Elliott? Because I picture at least one of them sounding like Sam Elliott.

Joe Critz at 4:09 PM

give me the chum babyyyyyy

Mike Bullock at 4:09 PM

One asked who was their Huckleberry

BFD at 4:09 PM

Is that three CHUMs for DJ?

Joe Critz at 4:09 PM

those 2 yard runs of the middle give it to meeeee

Mike Bullock at 4:10 PM

Down by 10, A Gap time baby!!

Joe Critz at 4:10 PM

FINALLY

UprootedTexan at 4:10 PM

[Kitten]ing finally, deep ball!

Joe Critz at 4:10 PM

first time they throw 20 yards deep it works

Carlos Flores at 4:10 PM

Shades of Matt Schaub.

BFD at 4:11 PM

Pushing the ball downfield works.

Mike Bullock at 4:11 PM

Finally!!!

UprootedTexan at 4:11 PM

No, it was caught by one of OUR receivers, Carlos.

Mike Bullock at 4:11 PM

LOL

(TEXANS TOUCHDOWN—WATSON TO FELLS, RAVENS LEAD 10-7)

Joe Critz at 4:11 PM

TOUCHDOWN

l4blitzer at 4:11 PM

See!!! SEE!!! A play action CAN work on a first down!!!

Carlos Flores at 4:12 PM

FELLS! Who needs to know how to block?

BFD at 4:12 PM

Great pass by Watson.

Mike Bullock at 4:13 PM

Too bad they didn’t call a run up the middle. They could have had 2 yards instead of 7 points

Luke at 4:13 PM

How is Fells always in those positions?

l4blitzer at 4:13 PM

A much-needed answer

UprootedTexan at 4:13 PM

Teleportation, obviously.

Carlos Flores at 4:14 PM

Instant Transmission.

Luke at 4:14 PM

Some dots for your consideration:

Mike Bullock at 4:16 PM

Commercials have either really gotten bad due to the pandemic or I’ve gotten so bored I’m actually paying attention to them...

UprootedTexan at 4:16 PM

Reject the tyranny of “or.”

Mike Bullock at 4:17 PM

Good to see trying to pull JJ Watts jersey off is still acceptable behavior for an opposing O-lineman.

UprootedTexan at 4:18 PM

Oh no, they just showed the cat litter ad on the big screen, it’s so much worse than I was expecting.

Oh, there’s Blacklock.

Jeremy at 4:19 PM

i guess i don’t hate this?

BFD at 4:19 PM

Defense playing much better than expected.

Carlos Flores at 4:19 PM

I love the enthusiasm behind that Justin Tucker catch.

Joe Critz at 4:20 PM

just cant get em off the field

UprootedTexan at 4:20 PM

Sigh, just like clockwork, a third down conversion.

BFD at 4:20 PM

Mercilus beat Stanley one on one on the long pass to Brown. Crazy.

Mike Bullock at 4:21 PM

Good thing we didn’t need to improve our secondary in the off-season

Carlos Flores at 4:21 PM

Or our pass rush.

UprootedTexan at 4:21 PM

We got Eric Murray, what more could you possibly ask for?

Carlos Flores at 4:21 PM

Hey, look at Hargreaves not being a liability for a play.

l4blitzer at 4:21 PM

Pass defense on a TE...a novel concept for us

Joe Critz at 4:22 PM

progress!

but a td here

almost haha

UprootedTexan at 4:22 PM

I’ll be [kitten]ed, they held.

Mike Bullock at 4:22 PM

That might be the first time Hargreaves has ever done a thing in Texans gear

l4blitzer at 4:22 PM

Jackson will want that one back

Jeremy at 4:22 PM

hargreaves is my favorite texan of all time

Mike Bullock at 4:23 PM

That’s not how you spell [UNPERSON], Jeremy.

BFD at 4:23 PM

HAHAHAAH!

Carlos Flores at 4:23 PM

OUCH

UprootedTexan at 4:23 PM

Y’all both gonna get purged.

Jeremy at 4:23 PM

auto correct really did me dirty there

Mike Bullock at 4:23 PM

LOL

UprootedTexan at 4:24 PM

Beast Mode!

l4blitzer at 4:25 PM

Shouldn’t he be hawking Skittles, or is he diversifying his portfolio?

UprootedTexan at 4:25 PM

He’s outgrown Skittles, obviously.

Joe Critz at 4:25 PM

it’s dorito time for him

Carlos Flores at 4:25 PM

His best appearance was in Drake’s music video. Well, that and the outburst he had at that kids camp.

UprootedTexan at 4:25 PM

Or he decided to stop hawking them ever since they replaced lime with green apple which objectively sucks in all candy confections ever.

Fight me.

Joe Critz at 4:26 PM

green apple sour patch kids are good!

UprootedTexan at 4:26 PM

This is a lie.

(Ravens recover the Keke Coutee fumble and return it for a touchdown. Ravens lead 20-7)

Joe Critz at 4:26 PM

OH NOOO

Carlos Flores at 4:26 PM

Keke is never going to see the field again.

Joe Critz at 4:26 PM

Couttee...

BFD at 4:27 PM

That play started with Judon abusing Howard.

Luke at 4:27 PM

Well

[Kitten]

Keke’s dead isn’t he?

Matt Weston at 4:27 PM

We’re never hearing from Coutee ever again

Joe Critz at 4:27 PM

the story of coutee ends like that

Mike Bullock at 4:28 PM

Coutee might get traded for a goalie at halftime

l4blitzer at 4:28 PM

To the doghouse he must go...

Luke at 4:28 PM

Matty did you see our lord and savior slaying the dragon earlier?

UprootedTexan at 4:28 PM

I know I’ve been joking about it but after that Keke Coutee might really be purged by BOB.

Joe Critz at 4:29 PM

this is awful

Carlos Flores at 4:29 PM

The “Keke Coutee Memorial Doghouse”.

Mike Bullock at 4:29 PM

Hope Keke likes Cleveland. I hear it’s nice this time of year...

Luke at 4:29 PM

Living rent free in the doghouse.

Matt Weston at 4:29 PM

What did Josh Allen do this time?

Luke at 4:29 PM

It would honestly be hilarious for Keke to go to Kansas and reunite with Mahomes.

Some rad [kitten] brother.

Joe Critz at 4:30 PM

i bet new england would pick him up and turn him into a pro bowler

Luke at 4:30 PM

He even shredded like Chandler Jones.

Matt Weston at 4:30 PM

He’s the [Durga] [kitten] greatest, and was legitimately good last week, instead of just entertaining

UprootedTexan at 4:30 PM

BOB trades Coutee and a first round pick to Cincinnati for some buttons and a barrel of that fake-[kitten] chili

Mike Bullock at 4:30 PM

@Luke and go on to be the best receiver in the AFC

l4blitzer at 4:31 PM

At least Watson can get back on the field to try to cut into this lead...

Luke at 4:31 PM

@Mike That’s the hilarious thing about all of this. He’s actually talented. He’s not a Jaelen Strong redux(sorry Jaelen).

Carlos Flores at 4:31 PM

I can’t wait to see the offense get in gear for half a quarter since they’re behind now.

Don’t worry about Strong, he’s making that quality ganja money and hates BOB more than anyone.

UprootedTexan at 4:32 PM

Yes, seven yard passes instead of four, I’m excited.

Mike Bullock at 4:32 PM

Time to lube up the a gap

l4blitzer at 4:33 PM

They mostly run on first down, mostly

Carlos Flores at 4:33 PM

I hate this offense.

Joe Critz at 4:33 PM

the fact that david johnson got anything on that run is impressive

still an awful call

Matt Weston at 4:33 PM

Did Scharping get benched?

BFD at 4:33 PM

After those two CHUMs, DJ is 6/15.

Joe Critz at 4:34 PM

okay go deep please

deep to fuller

Luke at 4:34 PM

RUN RUN TAKE A SHOT

THAT’S THE FORMULA GEORGE

Joe Critz at 4:34 PM

they kick you while you’re down

go wide and then a scramble run

l4blitzer at 4:35 PM

Ok, that was a legit middle run...

Carlos Flores at 4:35 PM

That was a lucky push.

Joe Critz at 4:35 PM

finally

Mike Bullock at 4:35 PM

BO’B should just call a fake punt now and get it out of the way

UprootedTexan at 4:35 PM

I’ll have him shot if he does.

(Watson intercepted by Ravens.)

UprootedTexan at 4:35 PM

OH MY [DURGA] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

BFD at 4:35 PM

Mother [kitten].

Joe Critz at 4:36 PM

it hurts

Carlos Flores at 4:36 PM

Didn’t see him underneath. Ouch.

Joe Critz at 4:36 PM

watson waited too long

Carlos Flores at 4:36 PM

Peters was an awesome pickup.

Luke at 4:36 PM

Pain

BFD at 4:36 PM

True, Carlos, but we paid a lot more for Gareon Conley.

Joe Critz at 4:36 PM

if the ravens score anything this drive, the game’s over

Matt Weston at 4:36 PM

lmao

Luke at 4:36 PM

That’s 1 of the 5 good plays that Marcus Peters makes ever year.

Matt Weston at 4:37 PM

He’s good Luke!!

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores at 4:37 PM

It looked like Deshaun was about to bust that tablet in half.

BFD at 4:37 PM

David Johns has CHUMed his way to 21 yards over 7 carries. Alfred Blue, Part Duh.

Carlos Flores at 4:37 PM

Yes my boy, let the hate fuel you.

Joe Critz at 4:38 PM

how long has brandin cooks has this quad injury

Mike Bullock at 4:38 PM

1987

Joe Critz at 4:38 PM

i read somewhere he’s had it all summer

UprootedTexan at 4:38 PM

It’s things like this that make me glad I was prescribed anti-depressants.

Luke at 4:38 PM

It’s like he wasn’t healthy to begin with.

Also that was a nutty bit of lurking by Peters

Carlos Flores at 4:39 PM

I would trade my PS5 pre-order for a competent HC.

l4blitzer at 4:39 PM

How I am starting to feel about this game

UprootedTexan at 4:39 PM

I’d trade your PS5 pre-order for a competent HC, too.

Mike Bullock at 4:39 PM

Me 3

Joe Critz at 4:39 PM

i just want cooks to be healthy by this year so i can see what the texans offense looks like with him and fuller at full speed

but that will probably only ever happen in madden lol

BFD at 4:40 PM

I’ll trade your left testicle for a beer.

Mike Bullock at 4:40 PM

It looks like a healthy receiver watching a gap runs

l4blitzer at 4:40 PM

At least Watt isn’t quitting

BFD at 4:40 PM

Watt is killing Brown. All game.

Luke at 4:40 PM

For those who care. Kansas are struggling against the Chargers.

Joe Critz at 4:41 PM

herbert threw a td pass!

Carlos Flores at 4:41 PM

It’s Justin Herbert time.

Matt Weston at 4:41 PM

Lonnie Johnson Jr. has BIG Brandon Harris energy

Joe Critz at 4:41 PM

WOOOOO

UprootedTexan at 4:42 PM

SAAACK TIIIIIIME!

Joe Critz at 4:42 PM

great defensive line performance so far!

Carlos Flores at 4:42 PM

Look at Cunningham!

l4blitzer at 4:42 PM

Did we...did we just see a pass rush that worked?

Luke at 4:42 PM

He had an attempted tackle earlier where he flung himself at Mark Ingram and he bounced off of him hilariously

Mike Bullock at 4:42 PM

Can one of them Sack O’Brien?

UprootedTexan at 4:42 PM

I’m not sure, I haven’t seen one in so long I’ve forgotten what they look like.

Joe Critz at 4:43 PM

jacob martin better than jadeveon clowney? 10 reasons why the texans are gonna go 15-1

kim jong un knew?

UprootedTexan at 4:43 PM

I’m pretty sure BOB is like the hydra. If you fired him, he just come back with two heads instead of one.

Mike Bullock at 4:43 PM

That’s how he became the GM

Luke at 4:43 PM

Joe Critz at 4:44 PM

oh [Durga]

UprootedTexan at 4:44 PM

Stop the clock. Whoever had “halfway through week two” for the first Will Fuller injury, please come and collect your prize.

Carlos Flores at 4:44 PM

Attack of the tightened hammy.

Luke at 4:44 PM

If they best version of your offense is predicated on two players who are well known for not being Ironmen then it’s a [kitten]ty offense.

Joe Critz at 4:44 PM

he hasn’t even been doing much today

woo stills

l4blitzer at 4:44 PM

Fuller possibly injured. Next you’re gonna tell me that there is no gambling at Rick’s.

Joe Critz at 4:45 PM

THROW IT AWAY

Luke at 4:45 PM

and yeah it’s not Fuller or Cooks fault that they are injured but could no one honestly see that [kitten] coming?

Joe Critz at 4:45 PM

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Mike Bullock at 4:45 PM

Or a traffic jam on 290

UprootedTexan at 4:45 PM

Please learn to throw the ball away, Deshaun. Your fans worry about you.

Carlos Flores at 4:45 PM

*610 by the galleria

UprootedTexan at 4:46 PM

@Luke That is exactly why I wasn’t happy with these deals, because one stiff breeze and our entire receiving corps winds up on IR.

Mike Bullock at 4:47 PM

Well, Nuk wasn’t dependable either. He missed what 4 games in 7 years? I mean come on...

Joe Critz at 4:47 PM

glass bones and paper skin

fuller should’ve absorbed his bone marrow or something before he was shipped to arizona

UprootedTexan at 4:48 PM

He’s gonna punt here, isn’t he?

Luke at 4:48 PM

Nah there’s no point

Not that it would stop him.

UprootedTexan at 4:48 PM

That’s exactly why I figured he would. Or a fake punt.

Luke at 4:48 PM

All things considered. The Texans don’t look like they have just been suffocated like last week.

Carlos Flores at 4:49 PM

I’ve got a weird feeling about Ka’imi here.

l4blitzer at 4:49 PM

“Our administrative failure” That’s quite the admission by the refs

(Ka’imi Fairbairn makes 44-yard field goal. Ravens lead 20-10)

Carlos Flores at 4:49 PM

Whew.

Joe Critz at 4:49 PM

at least our kicking is reliable, unlike the rest of the league haha

BFD at 4:49 PM

He owned up to it. Looks like the ball slipped out of the ref’s hand.

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 4:50 PM

so the ravens didn’t score on the int, and we score before halftime

the opposite of what happened in kc

which is very encouraging

turnovers are still awful, but the haven’t killed us yet

we still have a shot

Mike Bullock at 4:50 PM

Too much talent with not enough points

Joe Critz at 4:51 PM

defense has improved a lot since last week, also a good sign. But the offense continues to be all over the place

Carlos Flores at 4:53 PM

All in all, this isn’t the worse place to be. The offense is showing scattered signs of life, and the pass rush isn’t as putrid as it was last week. At least it’s a game?

UprootedTexan at 4:54 PM

It could be a lot worse.

Matt Weston at 4:54 PM

Someone tell me why Scharping was benched!!!

l4blitzer at 4:54 PM

Right now, the turnovers loom large, as well as the failed 4th down attempt. 14 points for the steamed crab acolytes off of the failed fake/fumble recovery, and the INT killed a promising drive that could have netted 7 for Houston. Defense is doing just enough, but any more turnovers and this game could get out of reach.

UprootedTexan at 4:57 PM

Is it possible that the Coutee Memorial Doghouse is like really spacious and luxurious and Coutee is just trying to get back there as soon as possible?

Carlos Flores at 5:02 PM

If you spend long enough in there, stockholm sydnrome becomes a real possibility.

THIRD QUARTER:

Joe Critz at 5:04 PM

there’s the cunningham speed

force him to run outside

l4blitzer at 5:04 PM

3 flags in the last 6 plays for BAL...the better Harbaugh can’t be happy about that (even if one was declined).

Matt Weston at 5:04 PM

WE HAVE TO HAVE A BETTER GROUND GAME!!!

l4blitzer at 5:06 PM

It looked like Hall just owned the guard in front of him.

Carlos Flores at 5:07 PM

Wow, just total domination.

Luke at 5:07 PM

Here comes the slow bludgeoning.

l4blitzer at 5:08 PM

So long as it is only a field goal, we still have a chance. A TD...not liking the odds.

Carlos Flores at 5:08 PM

Alright, Martin contributing outside of passing downs. Bench Merc.

UprootedTexan at 5:09 PM

Might be helpful if we didn’t get those encroachment penalties, Watkins.

Carlos Flores at 5:10 PM

The depression is setting in.

Mike Bullock at 5:10 PM

Yep

Joe Critz at 5:11 PM

[DURGA]

l4blitzer at 5:11 PM

Gotta wrap up Cunningham

UprootedTexan at 5:11 PM

The Ravens are going to squeeze this team like a zit, aren’t they?

Carlos Flores at 5:11 PM

Another example of poor tackling. Ugh.

Mike Bullock at 5:11 PM

Sigh

They should rename the team the Houston Charlie Browns

Carlos Flores at 5:12 PM

They are putting this defense through the wringer.

UprootedTexan at 5:12 PM

I’m surprised that wasn’t a flag.

Joe Critz at 5:13 PM

me too

another third down for us to lose

Carlos Flores at 5:13 PM

Not even an attempt to locate.

l4blitzer at 5:13 PM

So am I, but hey, home field advantage improves the calls

Joe Critz at 5:13 PM

FINALLY

l4blitzer at 5:13 PM

Nice sack.

Carlos Flores at 5:13 PM

Thank goodness, Jackson just kind of ran into Omenihu there.

(Ravens kick a field goal, lead 23-10)

Joe Critz at 5:14 PM

now we just need a touchdown

Luke at 5:14 PM

The defence is trying it’s best to win this.

UprootedTexan at 5:14 PM

Prolly need a couple of them.

Joe Critz at 5:14 PM

4 sacks on lamar is pretty amazing, tbh

Matt Weston at 5:15 PM

Weaver’s blitzes/slants have been a lot better this week than last week. The defense has changed, the offense hasn’t.

Joe Critz at 5:15 PM

defensive line is seriously good so far

linebackers are still not great but already much better than last week as, well

Matt Weston at 5:16 PM

I think the biggest difference is the ball isn’t out in 1.7 seconds. The sacks this game for Houston’s D were long developing.

l4blitzer at 5:16 PM

The offense needs to score, or at least avoid a quick 3 and out. If that happens, then we will see KC part deux

Carlos Flores at 5:17 PM

Hey, a successful run up the middle!

l4blitzer at 5:17 PM

The patented Johnson jump-cut.

Carlos Flores at 5:18 PM

Queen has done a great job of keeping up with Deshaun to the sidelines.

OVERTHROW

Joe Critz at 5:19 PM

watson....

l4blitzer at 5:19 PM

Just missed it...

BFD at 5:19 PM

Queen just got scorched by DJ. Rare bad throw from Watson.

UprootedTexan at 5:19 PM

By seven or eight feet.

Sounds like Fuller is back on the field.

Carlos Flores at 5:19 PM

Randall Cobb sighting.

Joe Critz at 5:20 PM

tytus is down

Carlos Flores at 5:20 PM

OH NO.

UprootedTexan at 5:20 PM

Down goes Tytus.

Matt Weston at 5:20 PM

Laremy Tunsil couldn’t get out to Marcus Peters on that screen. Come on man.

Carlos Flores at 5:21 PM

Big man just doesn’t want to move. Tytus walked off the field.

UprootedTexan at 5:23 PM

That was a pretty pass.

Joe Critz at 5:23 PM

good time toe establish the run yknow

Luke at 5:23 PM

Holy [kitten] that photo with Ray Lewis creeping in the back

l4blitzer at 5:23 PM

You hurry up to go with a middle run? Okkkaaayyy

UprootedTexan at 5:24 PM

That’s so BOB.

Carlos Flores at 5:24 PM

LOOK AT COBB.

l4blitzer at 5:24 PM

Good sign that Howard is back

UprootedTexan at 5:24 PM

::Watson is immediately sacked::

Carlos Flores at 5:24 PM

That’s a terrifying sack.

Scharping got beat.

Akins default setting is “bulldoze”.

BFD at 5:26 PM

Good [Durga] that throw by Watson.

UprootedTexan at 5:26 PM

AKLSDFJA;LDKGJASD;LKFJAD;LFKJADFLJK

Carlos Flores at 5:26 PM

What a throw!

Joe Critz at 5:26 PM

WHAT A THROW

Carlos Flores at 5:26 PM

Ice in his veins.

UprootedTexan at 5:26 PM

I thought that was picked.

l4blitzer at 5:26 PM

Only 2 possessions in quarter? Has that ever happened in a game before

UprootedTexan at 5:26 PM

Aaaaaaand false start.

Carlos Flores at 5:26 PM

Was that Howard that jumped?

UprootedTexan at 5:27 PM

Yep.

Luke at 5:27 PM

Watson is a god king

Carlos Flores at 5:27 PM

GUH.

UprootedTexan at 5:27 PM

Hey, at least it wasn’t Tunsil, which is novel.

Joe Critz at 5:27 PM

howard is already back, which is good

Carlos Flores at 5:27 PM

That’s a lot of contact.

UprootedTexan at 5:28 PM

That was when you throw the flag, ref.

BFD at 5:28 PM

This offensive playcalling is trash.

Carlos Flores at 5:28 PM

ABANDON THE RUN, PLEASE!

UprootedTexan at 5:28 PM

A run up the [kitten]ing middle on second and [kitten]-all long.

Matt Weston at 5:28 PM

BOOOoOOOOOOOOOO

UprootedTexan at 5:28 PM

COVID could call a better offensive game plan.

FOURTH QUARTER:

Luke at 5:29 PM

Chiefs are poopin

Joe Critz at 5:29 PM

bill o’brien is banging the table in his high chair screaming “establish the run! establish the run!” as tim kelly scrambles to figure out how to get david johnson good yards against calais campbell

Carlos Flores at 5:32 PM

They have to go for it.

BFD at 5:32 PM

Now would be a good time to go for it, BOB.

Carlos Flores at 5:32 PM

I’ll scream if its a field goal.

Joe Critz at 5:33 PM

oh come on guys go for it

BFD at 5:33 PM

Sounded like the last one was tipped.

Carlos Flores at 5:33 PM

OH MY [DURGA].

UprootedTexan at 5:33 PM

Y’all know good and [Durga][kitten] well it’s going to be a field goal.

(Texans kick a field goal, still trail 23-13)

Carlos Flores at 5:33 PM

COWARDS.

Matt Weston at 5:33 PM

OMFG

Joe Critz at 5:33 PM

this is how it ends

BFD at 5:33 PM

Cards are motorboating the [Potatoes]. They’re my pet team this year.

Matt Weston at 5:35 PM

It’s already over!

Joe Critz at 5:35 PM

its like that devotchka song

you allllllreeeady know how this will end

what a sad song

should be the 2020 texans theme song

Carlos Flores at 5:37 PM

Kyler Murray is straight-edge turbo Manziel.

BFD at 5:38 PM

I love it when McKinney blitzes.

@Carlos: [Kitten] right.

UprootedTexan at 5:38 PM

A turnover here would be lovely, y’all.

Joe Critz at 5:39 PM

one more stop! PLEASE

oh no what’s gonna happen

Carlos Flores at 5:39 PM

Whew, kept them short.

Joe Critz at 5:39 PM

here we go

my heart

UprootedTexan at 5:40 PM

This will end in tears.

(Ingram scores a touchdown for the Ravens on fourth and one, lead now 30-13.)

BFD at 5:40 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Matt Weston at 5:40 PM

BAL should go for it

Joe Critz at 5:40 PM

hahahaha

Carlos Flores at 5:40 PM

Kill me.

BFD at 5:40 PM

This game is over.

Carlos Flores at 5:40 PM

KILL ME PLEASE.

Joe Critz at 5:40 PM

big pain

Matt Weston at 5:40 PM

[Kitten] Bill O’Brien

BFD at 5:40 PM

They were heavy to the left, and we were to the right. Out-manned us. Somebody didn’t read it correctly.

Luke at 5:41 PM

That is absolute pain

UprootedTexan at 5:41 PM

Matt Weston at 5:42 PM

I believe in karma now

Joe Critz at 5:44 PM

Carlos Flores at 5:45 PM

BFD at 5:46 PM

Oh, hey, BOB is mad. How about that. #DramaQueen

UprootedTexan at 5:46 PM

Physician, heal thyself.

BFD at 5:47 PM

Oh, thank [Durga], a CHUM.

Carlos Flores at 5:47 PM

This offense is literally just taking a sunday stroll to the line. The pacing of molasses.

Joe Critz at 5:48 PM

why would you....

UprootedTexan at 5:48 PM

You’re down by three scores, some urgency is not unwarranted here.

Joe Critz at 5:48 PM

fall down...inbounds

(Fairbairn with successful field goal, Texans still losing 30-16.)

BFD at 5:49 PM

Hook ‘em.

Joe Critz at 5:49 PM

LETS GO FIELD GOAL

UprootedTexan at 5:50 PM

LOL field goal try, [kitten] you.

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

BFD at 5:50 PM

One TD. Three FGs. ALL HAIL THE ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Carlos Flores at 5:50 PM

I wish he would have missed to add insult to destruction.

UprootedTexan at 5:52 PM

Especially with how this game is shaking out.

l4blitzer at 5:54 PM

Feeling a steady diet of IUM coming from Baltimore

Carlos Flores at 5:55 PM

Wow, just short.

UprootedTexan at 5:56 PM

I kind of miss having high expectations of the Texans.

Carlos Flores at 5:56 PM

Can’t wait for this conversion.

UprootedTexan at 5:57 PM

Ravens are challenging.

BFD at 5:57 PM

I wish I knew the win % numbers with this scenario.

The spot looked correct.

Worth the gamble, though.

Carlos Flores at 5:58 PM

Sabermetrics would say that we have as good a chance as a box of Twinkies surviving a night at fat camp.

BFD at 5:58 PM

Ouch.

UprootedTexan at 5:59 PM

Rude.

And they were Swiss Cake Rolls.

Carlos Flores at 5:59 PM

To be fair, lil’ Debbie is infinitely better than anything Hostess ever cooked up in their lab.

UprootedTexan at 5:59 PM

I’d agree with one exception: Hostess’ peanut butter Ho-Hos

l4blitzer at 6:00 PM

Since this is Baltimore, shouldn’t we reference Tastykakes?

UprootedTexan at 6:00 PM

Looks like they converted.

BFD at 6:00 PM

That was a [kitten] nice job by Jackson.

Carlos Flores at 6:00 PM

Brady would be proud.

UprootedTexan at 6:01 PM

I would except I know next to nothing about Tastykakes, they don’t have them in the south or out west.

l4blitzer at 6:01 PM

Hmmm...a 4th and short play deep in your own territory that works. A novel concept

Matt Weston at 6:01 PM

I love BAL rubbing O’Brien’s nose in his previous fourth down decisions

UprootedTexan at 6:01 PM

Joe would probably know more about them than us.

l4blitzer at 6:01 PM

Eh, you live in Ravens territory, you can’t help but see them all around

Joe Critz at 6:02 PM

tasty cakes are good but i prefer hostess honestly

but gobs are the best

UprootedTexan at 6:02 PM

The difference between rubbing a dog’s nose in its [kitten] and rubbing BOB’s nose in his fourth down decisions is eventually the dog learns to stop [kitten]ing in the house.

Carlos Flores at 6:02 PM

We have moon pies and creampies (phrasing)

Joe Critz at 6:02 PM

moon pies are good

Matt Weston at 6:02 PM

Haha Yeah you got it UT.

Joe Critz at 6:02 PM

do you guys have whoopie pies

Carlos Flores at 6:03 PM

I’ve seen them occasionally. I think they’re kind of rare?

Wow. No chance at slowing this down. We’re getting pantsed.

Joe Critz at 6:03 PM

i guess in texas they are haha

UprootedTexan at 6:04 PM

I’ve seen them, but they’re not exactly a brand thing, just some generic company selling them.

Joe Critz at 6:04 PM

they’ve just given up

yeah whoopie pies are just a general term for cake like cookies with cream in them

whip cream

BFD at 6:04 PM

Murray got the tackle, but that was a horrible angle he took.

Joe Critz at 6:05 PM

but gobs are a certain whoopie pie made in johnstown that are especially good

nobody outside of this area has ever heard of em but i absolutely love them

wow

UprootedTexan at 6:06 PM

Unnecessary roughness, great job rook.

You just gave them a touchdown they didn’t even need.

Carlos Flores at 6:06 P

Man, Blaclock with the penalty. Gotta be careful to not land in the doghouse.

UprootedTexan at 6:07 PM

Did he get ejected?

l4blitzer at 6:07 PM

Quite a memory for your home opener

Mike Bullock at 6:07 PM

Nuk has as many touchdowns today as the Texans do...

Carlos Flores at 6:07 PM

Yessir!

Deshaun looks sick of this crap.

l4blitzer at 6:09 PM

If I was the better Harbaugh, all these runs out of bounds should be good teaching points if you are trying to close out the games.

UprootedTexan at 6:11 PM

I kind of want Baltimore to go for it here because nothing matters.

BFD at 6:11 PM

Here comes a trash TD, which will get the BOB homers excited, but nobody else.

(Ravens kick a field goal, probably as an act of mercy, lead 33-16)

UprootedTexan at 6:11 PM

LOL, nothing matters.

Carlos Flores at 6:14 PM

Mother of [Durga], this is ugly.

BFD at 6:14 PM

We don’t even get the trash TD? K.

UprootedTexan at 6:14 PM

They even get sacked during garbage time.

What the [kitten], when did BOB use up all the timeouts?

I mean it wouldn’t make a difference here but I must have blinked and missed them.

Mike Bullock at 6:15 PM

Is it too early to say BO’B’s system is trash?

UprootedTexan at 6:15 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, let them [kitten]ing score already.

Carlos Flores at 6:15 PM

Let me off this ride.

I’m so done.

TWO MINUTE WARNING:

Carlos Flores at 6:16 PM

Everything hurts.

l4blitzer at 6:16 PM

I say we take off and nuke the entire BO’B system from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

BFD at 6:19 PM

Bill O’Brien delenda est.

Carlos Flores at 6:19 PM

Closing time. Lock it up.

l4blitzer at 6:20 PM

Good news, we improved our run defense by 20 yards from last year. Bad news, we still gave up over 200+ yards.

FINAL SCORE: RAVENS 33 - TEXANS 16

UprootedTexan at 6:20 PM

COVID, take me away!

Mike Bullock at 6:21 PM

Best thing about this game was that it ended.

Joe Critz at 6:30 PM

Texans were better on both sides of the ball, but still not nearly good enough for the ravens

GAME BALLS:

Offense - Ka’imi Fairbairn, you can kind of guess why.

Defense - Justin Reid, because he was playing mad.

Got someone you want to nominate for a game ball? Want to get in on the great snack cake discussion? How much does green apple flavored candy suck?

Let us know in the comments below!