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Totally Not Fake News: Watt Is At The Heart Of Texans-Steelers

Home is where the Watt is.

FOX’s Ultimate Tag - Season One Photo by FOX via Getty Images

Pittsburgh, PA – As the hours tick down towards the matchup between the Houston Texans and the Pittsburgh Steelers, head coach/general manager/football czar Bill O’Brien seemed a bit short-tempered, even more so than usual. There is much for him to consider. The team is coming off its second consecutive second place finish in an NFL contest, this time to the Baltimore Ravens. BO’B quickly noted some of the defensive improvements, especially the 20 less rushing yards allowed from the previous year’s match-up, as well as an 8-point defensive improvement (and a 1-point improvement from the second-place finish against Kansas City in Week 1). “Progress” was all the First Lord of the Houston Texans Admiralty could utter. One would have thought that possessing the #3 pass defense in the NFL might cheer up the First Pro-Counsel of the Texans, but no, BO’B seemed as deflated as a punctured fake boob [STOP THAT!!!]…er, as a punctured week-old balloon.

Houston Texans v Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Now, why do I do this again?
Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images

Why can’t the Chief Football Mugwump of the Houston Texans shake the irritable continence, one that sources indicate has been bothering the man since preparations for this game started? “Not exactly sure, but I think some of the press headlines.” noted one player (who wished to remain anonymous, which seems to happen a lot around this squad).

When asked what press headlines, the player shrugged, “Well, I think it was when some of the beat writers began their insider stories for the upcoming game. Normally when the [Chief Justice of the Texans Presidium] coach hears about this, he just sort of benignly lets it go. All part of the business, which he gets, most of the time. Of course, he never passes up a chance to take a dig at Brian Smith. “Doesn’t matter, dumb [kitten], what happened!!!”…and when J.J. comes raging in, going all “Now what!!!” and [Texans Dictator for Life] BO’B is all “See, what did I tell you, dip-[kitten]?!” usually right as he stomps Brian in the groin multiple times. That is sometimes funny.”

“Anyhow,” the player continued, making multiple quick turning motions with his head, less the [Grand Inquisitor of Texans Football Operations] coach makes his appearance “When the headlines started coming out for this game, I think the coach was amused, but then, it really started to get to him, and the chuckles eventually became scowls. Things have been a bit rough the past 24 hours.”

When asked for further examples, the player suddenly jumped out of his stool “[KITTEN!!!] It’s the [Don of the Texans Costa Nostra]…gotta run, bye!!!” [Ed note: Follow-up requests and questions have gone unanswered, but a transaction note seemed to indicate that the player in question was traded to the Frozen Danish Harpoons of the Greenland Independent League, along with a 2028 second round draft pick for a cask of whale blubber and some aged Greenland Shark meat].

Yum, least until you can’t feel your lips or tongue anymore. Clearly a great trade value.

When another player (who also wanted to remain anonymous) was asked, he gave us an incredulous look. “Dude, come on! You know this all about the Watts.” After some quick research, we did in fact come to realize that for the first time, all three Watt brothers will be on the field when Pittsburgh hosts the Texans. For the Texans, there is of course the once and future God-Emperor J.J. Watt. For the Steelers, they counter with the other [lesser] two Watts, T.J. Watt (OLB) and Derek Watt (FB). Normally, this football family is united, cheering each other on and working toward collective goals [or at least the goals that J.J. deems necessary for his long-game benign conquests]. However, that will go out the window, at least on the field.

Thus it was that the inevitable headlines started:

  • Watt A Match-Up”
  • “A High Watt-age Event at Heinz Field”
  • “Which Watt will Shine Brightest?”
  • “Watt a Family Affair”
  • “Watt to Watch For…”

“Ugh. At first, these were funny, playing up the family affair, but you know how sports headlines get. Someone does something kinda funny, and then everyone will run it into the ground. Now, it is really old. What a nuisance,” stated another anonymous player

“I am not a nuisance!” bellowed a rather irate J.J. Watt, who just happened to be strolling by. “Why the [kitten] would you say that?”

“What did I say?” protested said player.

“You know [kitten] well what you said!!!” Watt raged…advancing towards us.

“Wow! What a hothead!!!” noted the player, sprinting at full speed, with a furious J.J. Watt in pursuit “If you think I am a hothead now, wait until I get my hands on…”

“What the heck???” the unfortunate player screamed before he was crushed by an enraged defensive lineman.

“I don’t care about him!”

“Did someone say my name again? What is going on?” chimed in #67 for the Texans.

“Charlie, are we going to do this again? I’ve already schooled your [kitten] [kitten] on and off the practice field about this. You know the drill…”

Seattle Seahawks v Houston Texans
If I hear my name one more time...
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Lamented Justin Reid, “All week, this [kitten] keeps happening. J.J. has been set off something awful by all the “What/Watt” references. The “Watt/Heck” references happen at least once every half hour, especially when a player or coach is ticked about something but doesn’t want to say something bad in front of the kids on Zoom.”

[Keke] Coutee was really letting Watt have it, talking so much trash, saying that the other Watt brothers would whoop his ass all day Sunday, leaving him [J.J.] to say “Watt, what happened?” I swear that if Coutee wasn’t already in the doghouse, er, special quarantine containment unit, Watt would have killed him, well, right after he would have beaten Heck for the 50th time off the edge this practice.”

Coutee’s Special Quarantine Containment Unit
Photo by Roger Viollet via Getty Images

Texans Pontifex Maximus O’Brien could only sigh in frustration. When we attempted ask him a question, he had trouble hearing us, mainly because we wanted to maintain minimum safe distance between us and his special assistant “Lucille”. “What!?!” he roared, which was only slightly less intense than the look from an infuriated J.J. Watt, who had just washed his hands of fragments of bone and brain from the last player that dared utter the word “what.” However, after a quick glance, Watt wandered off. Most likely just as a sign of respect of the coach and having nothing to do at all with the presence of “Lucille,” who had just finished some one-on-one coaching with the suddenly silent Coutee in his quarantine unit.

Y’all remember BO’B new assistant, right?

However, with all of this attention on one player for the Texans, it did get us wondering about the situation in the Pittsburgh camp, especially since there are two Watts in the black and gold. The response from the Steelers players seemed far more subdued and cautious. Even JuJu Smith-Schuster, the outgoing WR for Pittsburgh, walked by with a “No comment.” When pressed for an explanation for the silence out of the Steelers camp, an anonymous source offered us this insight:

“Oh, some of us had some real fun right from the start of camp. All we have to do is scream “Watt!!!” and both of those dudes jump-turn and respond “What?” and then we are all like “Watt!” and they are all like “What?!”. This just went on for ages, and to see them both getting frustrated, oh, it was glorious! We were howling with laughter. No way we could hide the chortles, even with the Terrible Towel masks we wore in team meetings. Well, at least until it finally got to Coach [Tomlin]. Someone in the recent team meeting decided to open with a joke, something akin to ‘Dude, we gonna have to wear some tinted visors, ‘cause there’s gonna be a lotta Watts in the house.’ Whoa…I mean, some people when they are angry can be incredibly frightening. Coach [Tomlin] can seem chill, but I guess this pushed him over the edge.”

Just how far? Well, we have a dramatic recreation of how “over the edge” Tomlin went. [Totally Not Fake News Warning: Some of this audio may be too intense for younger viewers.]

Recording of Tomlin's Reaction to All The Watt Comments

And there you have it, folks. As both teams gear up for wha, er, as both teams prepare to match up at Heinz Field, the big subplot will be the role of the three brothers, all of whom share a desire to win, a drive to get over on each other. Wha…um, something that is interesting is that the players in question all share the same last name which sounds remarkably like something you might ask, but we won’t repeat. Not for any security or copyright issues, but we would just like to make it to the next game, preferably alive and with most of our body parts intact.

Normally, we would sign off with some rousing theme music to pump up the reader for the game, a classic from DJ Snake and Lil Jon, but in this instance, perhaps it is best left unsaid…