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Tonight, join me, Toady Bootlick, as we are whisked away on another exciting episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Fumbleous. We go behind the scenes at one of the most exclusive locations in all of football, a vacation destination unlike any other in all of football, the magnificently appointed and extremely luxurious Houston Texans Doghouse.
Toady: I’m joined today with the current longtime resident of the Doghouse, Mr. Keke Coutee. Keke, thank you so much for having us to your abode, sir.
Keke: Glad you could make it, Toady. Come on in, let me take you around.
Toady: As we step into the magnificently appointed foyer, we’re drawn to the Battle Red Carpet rolling down the stairs to greet us, flanked by a pair of priceless Ming vases.
Keke: Oh, (chuckles) those are fake. They’re metal, see?
(Keke taps his fist against the vase; it rings hollow and metallic)
Keke: There used to be real ones here, but D.J. Swearinger kept flying into them. It just became too much hassle to tape them back together, so we got fake ones.
Toady: They’re exquisite, (fake laugh) truly.
We leave the foyer and enter what can only be called a palatial living room, with seating for 20, facing an expansive fireplace and commanding a tremendous view of Houston.
Keke: Sometimes it just seems like too much living room, you know? I mean, right now, it’s just Kahale and me staying here, but man, I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like in the early days of O’Brien when there were 13 or 14 people living here. Oh, what stories these walls could tell.
Toady: And that’s not an exaggeration. The Doghouse, as it is lovingly called by Keke and fans of the team, has 15 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms, all on a meager floorplan of 34,000 square feet. How anyone can live on such a small footprint is anybody’s guess.
Keke: This is the theater room. They initially built this onto the house in 2016 so we could study game film, but mostly we just watch stuff like Great British Bake Off and reruns of Supermarket Sweep. Oh, if you look up in the balcony, I think Aaron Colvin’s still studying game film. How’s it going up there, Aaron?
Toady: I...I think he might be dead.
Keke: Nah, he’s just distracted, trying to be a better teammate, you know, All that stuff.
Toady: After a long day of film room and admiring Mary Berry’s baking skills, it’s time for a much needed dip in the pool.
Keke: We spent a lot of time here when it gets too hot inside.
Toady: The Doghouse pool is the size of most people’s homes, at a stunning 2,000 square feet, complete with grotto and miniature waterpark.
Keke: (chuckles) Yeah, that’s the Brock Osweiler Memorial Waterslide, or as I call it, “The Os-slide-er.”
Toady: Os-slide-er? Why?
Keke: It was inspired by the passes he threw in 2016.
Toady: I...see. That sounds like a wild journey.
Keke: You don’t know the half of it.
Toady: We return to the Doghouse, and across from the kitchen, there’s a pungent smell that emanates from a room with half-closed doors.
Toady: Say, Mr. Coutee.,,
Keke: Please, call me Keke.
Toady: I couldn’t possibly, that’s far too good for the likes o—
Keke: I said call me Keke.
Toady (meekly): Okay, Keke. What room is this?
Keke: Oh, that’s the Sam Montgomery cigar room.
Toady: How absolutely decadent. Can we go inside for a better look?
Keke: What, are you a cop or something?
Toady: N-no, of course not. I just, m-my viewers, they might enjoy seeing it.
Keke (chuckles): Maybe next time, man.
Toady: With that, we trundle off to the other side of the Doghouse, wherein lies the game room. And what’s this? It looks like we have visitors joining us here for a refreshing game of Madden 2020.
Keke: Hey Tyler, Kahale, how y’all doing?
Kahale Warring and Tyler Ervin (in sync, facing the screen): Fine.
Toady: And what do you typically play in here, Mr. C—I mean K—
Keke: Shhhhh, I’m trying to watch.
Madden: And Ervin loses the football! It’s going the other way for a touchdown!
(Warring does touchdown dance in front of Ervin).
Keke (in stage whisper to Toady): That’s the only time he ever gets to do his touchdown dance.
Toady: Just when you thought there were no more surprises, there is this nook just south-southwest of the garden, it’s the Doghouse’s private seance chamber.
Keke: We usually come here if we want to get advice or find someone we’ve been looking for for a while. In the last several months, we’ve made attempts to contact one of the best, someone who was a regular visitor here even though he really didn’t appreciate all the creature comforts this place has to offer.
Toady: Is that why you and Mr. Warring spend so much time here?
Keke: Yeah, if you got to spend all your time here, would you want to leave?
Toady: I suppose not. Which player have you been trying to get in contact with here in your luxurious seance room?
Keke: DeAndre Hopkins. We miss him. We want him back. We need him back. It hasn’t been the same without him.
Keke: And this, this is the Ryan Mallett master bedroom.
Toady: It’s phenomenal. Quite possibly one of the most exquisite bedrooms I’ve ever seen. It’s no wonder you spend so much time here.
Keke: You don’t think I fumble in critical situations on accident, do you? No way. I’m milking as much time as I can here.
Toady: I do have one question, though.
Toady: Why the Mallett bedroom?
Keke: There’s no alarm clock.
Toady: Well thank you so much for this wonderful tour. Coming up next, we look at Bill O’Brien’s refrigerator and learn what different kinds of water he keeps in there.
Keke: Wait...is that camera even on? Is any of this being recorded?
Toady: Um...uh...see ya. Tune in (panting)...next week...(panting) for more Lifestyles of the (wheezing) Rich and Fumbleous! Until then, I’m (wheezing) Toady Bootlick wishing you championship (gasps) wishes and playoff dreams (collapses).