I’ve never been a man who exists entirely as myself. I’ve always been influenced by others. I spiked my hair in the front with blue gelatinous LA gel, I wore shirts from Target that said things like NO PLACE LIKE HOME with a trailer on the front, I stopped wearing cargo shorts after seeing Super Bad, my GPA was 3.80 beers a week, I became a vegetarian after living with hippies, and I write a mockdraft every year, because everyone does.
And now, here it is, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, mock draft 1.0.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars: QB Trevor Lawrence Clemson
We all remember what happened the last time Jacksonville selected a beautiful quarterback with a blonde waterfall streaming out the back of his helmet.
The Jets shouldn’t take Wilson. They should take Fields. I like Wilson, he’s wild and dynamic. I don’t like Wilson in New York. The Mormonism. The infinite youth. The cheeks patched with blush. Forever young. New York chews up quarterbacks, and the city chews up small town children. The city that never sleeps shouldn’t take a quarterback who needs twelve hours a night. I saw what happened to Meadow’s roommate. This doesn’t feel right.
3. San Francisco 49ers (from HOU through MIA): QB Trey Lance North Dakota State
We are all going to die one day. You don’t have to wake up at 2 a.m. to remember this. Kyle Shanahan has you covered. It’s an easy offense in San Francisco, and the 49ers need dynamite to break it open and expand it to the next level. Lance has the athleticism, arm strength, and gusto to do it, and Shanahan can make it easy to ensure potential becomes reality.
4. Atlanta Falcons: WR Kyle Pitts Florida
Arthur Jones is a mad scientist. Pitts will be running sweeps, he’ll play tight end, he’ll play outside wide receiver, he’ll be a screen target off play action, there’s so many things they can do together. Jones turned Anthony Firkser into a valuable piece of an offense. Imagine what he can do with Pitts.
5. Cincinnati Bengals: OT Penei Sewell Oregon
Since they allowed Andrew Whitworth to hitch hike to Los Angeles, the tackle position has been a mess for the Bengals. They tried to address it two years ago with Jonah Williams. He missed his rookie season with an injury, and last year he struggled with speed, and was injured at times again. Sewell can play either tackle position, and allow Williams to figure out which spot is best for him.
There are a few teams outside the top five that need a quarterback. Washington, New England, Chicago, and Denver and Carolina could kind of use some youth. Both Washington and New England have everything else, and only need a quarterback. I see OUR Football Team beating out the Patriots, who are left on the table and horrified they didn’t give up enough to take the player they want. OUR Football Team obtains the last piece to make Exodia.
7. TRADE New Orleans Saints (From DET): QB Mac Jones Alabama
The Saints don’t exist to win football games. They exist to string Jameis Winston along. Rather than allow him and Taysom Hill swap tongues, the Saints are dying to move up and draft a quarterback.
The funniest place for Jones to go is Denver. The Teddy Bridgewater trade cancels that.
8. Carolina Panthers: LB Micah Parsons Penn State
Carolina’s linebackers had a WAR of -5 last season. Tahir Whitehead, Jermaine Carter Jr., Sam Franklin, Adarius Taylor, all played meaningful snaps adjacent to Shaq Thompson. They added Denzel Perryman this offseason, who is perfectly fine, a perfect member of the Houston Texans. Every selection in last year’s draft went to the defense. This a continuation. The Panthers need a high flying top rope leaping linebacker to pair with Thompson. Parsons should be it.
9. Denver Broncos: EDGE Azeez Ojulari Georgia
Von Miller is getting older. Bradley Chubb has had exactly one good season. With Teddy Bridgewater surrounded by a horde of weapons, and a great power run blocking offensive line, the Broncos are set to finally make a playoff run again.
10. Dallas Cowboys: CB Patrick Surtain II Alabama
He’s the perfect fit for Dan Quinn’s new Dallas defense. He’ll control the sideline and is an easy replacement for Chidobe Awuzie.
This is IT for Daniel Jones. His rookie year saw flashes of transcendence. His second season was banal and convoluted. It didn’t help that Jason Garrett bought twelve diet cokes with his adult video giftcard. Their offense was horizontal not vertical. Chase, Kenny Golladay, Darius Slayton, Sterling Shepard, Evan Engram, Kyle Rudolph, Devontae Booker, and Saquon Barkley.
NO FEAR. NO EXCUSES. NO GODS. NO MASTERS.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (from SF through MIA): CB Jaycee Horn South Carolina
This is a gap year for Philly. They’re going to pay off the Carson Wentz and Desean Jackson dead money, and then next year they’ll have cap space and two first round picks. In the meantime Jalen Hurts can try out for the future and they can piece together key pieces. Cornerback has been chewed up gum in their hair for a while now. Horn is peanut butter.
The Chargers had a myriad of choices on how to spend their cap space. They opted for the offensive line. Matt Feiler, Corey Linsley, Oday Aboushi, and Bryan Baluga. The raw and rotten carpet has morphed into an heirloom comforter. Comfy and cozy. The only thing missing is a left tackle. Trey Pipkins III is no Juli’en Davenport.
14. Minnesota Vikings: CB Greg Newsome II Northwestern
The Vikings love drafting cornerbacks, and the one they selected last year was arrested this offseason. Give them another one.
15. TRADE Tennessee Titans: WR Devonta Smith Alabama
TITAN UP. Tennessee is an aggressive drafting team. They’ll move up and get the guy they want. After losing Jonnu Smith and Corey Davis this offseason, they need another skill player to blast some life into this offense. Put some fast boy in your life.
16. TRADE Chicago Bears (from ARI): WR Jaylen Waddle Alabama
Chicago’s new daddy Andy Dalton needs some weapons. Allen Robinson, Darnell Mooney, and Anthony Miller aren’t enough. Give Daddy what he wants, and Daddy wants to waddle.
The Raiders are the hipsters of the NFL Draft. They craft cat piss kombucha. There’s a tattoo of Cubone as the God of War on their calf. Hockey pucks are in their earlobes, and they are still expanding, just like the universe itself. After relocating their offensive line into their defensive line, they go hipster once again, and stop the bleeding somewhat. Getting an actual first round tackle is too obvious. They know more than you do. Don’t question it normie.
After trading down the Dolphins get the next best thing. It’s 2027 and the Dolphins have seven first round picks. They use exactly one of them, so they can have twelve for 2029.
19. Miami Dolphins (from WSH): OT Tevin Jenkins Oklahoma State
I don’t trust Jesse Davis, and see, as a very smart football person, the right side is the blindside for Tua, since he is left handed. Jenkins can pull it off, and he mashes in the run game, something the Dolphins need to fix one of the worst ones in the league.
20. Arizona Cardinals (from CHI): CB Caleb Farley Virginia Tech
Arizona added J.J. Watt in an attempt to limit their need to blitz. With Watt, Chandler Jones, Jordan Phillips, Devon Kennard, Dennis Gardeck, and Markus Golden, they have the front four talent to pull it off. They do need another cornerback. Robert Alford and Byron Murphy aren’t enough, and the Cardinals offense isn’t good enough to score 30 a game.
21. Indianapolis Colts: EDGE Jaelen Phillips Miami
The Colts have to get a left tackle. The best ones are off the board. They also need a pass rusher. Phillips is worth it. Maybe he’ll be what Colts fans think their future Hall of Famer Ben Banogu will actually be.
22. New England Patriots: EDGE Kwity Paye Michigan
The Patriots struck out at quarterback. They didn’t pony up. They’re out in the rain. It’s another front seven defender so they can have the sixth best defense and strangle themselves trying to win 20-16. I guess Jimmy Garappolo will have to do. Return to the center, back to the center.
23. New York Jets (from SEA): OL Alijah Vera-Tucker USC
The Jets devoted their offseason resources into their terrible offensive line, and once again it was terrible. Surprise George Fant and Conner McGovern aren’t good! Vera-Tucker could try and play right tackle before making his final landing spot at guard.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers: LB Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah Notre Dame
The Steelers lost an entire appendage this offseason, and didn’t have the cap space to do anything about it. There only addition is Joe Haeg. That’s it. It’s the same team, but worse, with a quarterback on his last string. The Steelers will find someone who they believe is a Steeler. Jeremiah is it.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (from LARM): OG Alex Leatherwood Alabama
It’s 2021 and the Jaguars still have AJ Cann and Andrew Norwell starting at guard. Leatherwood can create a three man battle for two spots, and knock one of them to the bench. He can also play tackle in a pinch.
26. Cleveland Browns: DT Christian Baremore Alabama
The Browns lost Sheldon Richardson and Larry Ogunjobi. Replacing him is Malik Jackson and now Baremore.
27. Baltimore Ravens: WR Rashod Bateman Minnesota
The rat in the trap. Wheezing. Afraid of the needle nose pliers preparing to decapitate them. Until Lamar Jackson learns how to throw the sideline pass they can’t get past where they’re at. Adding Bateman is a start. But it needs to come from within.
28. Detroit Lions (from NO): WR Kadarius Toney Florida
Everything about the Lions are boring. The sweatpant uniforms. The drab and decrepit. The neverending cold and miles of rubble. WELCOME TO HELL JARED GOFF. After losing Galladay, Toney makes them a little saltier.
29. Green Bay Packers: OL Landon Dickerson GB Alabama
The Packers exist to make Aaron Rodgers angry. Adding a wide receiver they need won’t happen. Rodgers feeds off vitriol. Dickerson can play center or guard, and can fight off either one of them. He’ll probably lose out though and sit on the bench for all of 2021.
30. Buffalo Bills: RB Najee Harris Alabama
Zach Moss and Devin Singletary had rough 2020 seasons. The Bills run game went from a strength to a weakness, and Josh Allen was their best running back. Harris is the best back in this class, and should be what Singletary needed to be last season.
31. Baltimore Ravens (from KC): WR Dyami Brown North Carolina
Another outside wide receiver for the Ravens. Again, they need to learn how to expand the field to the sideline.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: LB Zaven Collins Tampa Bay
It’s a luxury pick for the Bucs. What do you do you if your the team who has everything? Collins can add speed and strength to the best linebacker group in the game. Pass the baton down from Lavonte David to Collins.