Hair of the Dog - That’s All Dogs Edition (Texans/BESFs II)

There you have it. The season is over and the Texans are not going to the NFL Playoffs.

Now we get to the part we’ve all been waiting for: who will be the new regime to take charge of the Texans. Only a few hours after the game ended, news came out (as covered by Kenneth last night) that the Texans were scheduled to interview the Ravens’ Director of Football Research Scott Cohen and Seahawks Vice President of Player Personnel Trent Kirchner for their open general manager job.

Aside from the fact that I’m hurt they still haven’t offered me an interview yet, we now get to see what direction the Texans will go in for the next 4-6 years. Will we all like the head coach and general manager picks? Probably not? Will they be good? Obviously only time will tell. But at least we don’t have to deal with more bad football this year. The only direction from here is up.

Now let’s get to this week’s Dog. As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. Thanks for another great year and we’ll see you when we get a new coach and GM. Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION:

UprootedTexan at 3:00 PM

Care to join me for the last waltz?

bigfatdrunk at 3:04 PM

No.

UprootedTexan at 3:07 PM

...yeah.

Carlos Flores at 3:08 PM

I’m starting the game on the radio call today. This will be the hardest my imagination has had to work in a while

l4blitzer at 3:09 PM

It’s not the worst thing in the world...

Looking like a bad loss from the Far Southern Oklahoma team...

bigfatdrunk at 3:11 PM

No, that’s called a good loss.

Carlos Flores at 3:11 PM

At the bare minimum, we should expect comedy from today’s game.

l4blitzer at 3:12 PM

Well, for us, it is always great, but man, I would not want to be McCarthy tomorrow if this holds

bigfatdrunk at 3:12 PM

[KITTEN]!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHA!!!

l4blitzer at 3:13 PM

Or, it could be Miracle of the Meadowlands part duex???

Carlos Flores at 3:13 PM

Urban Meyer to the Cowboys.

UprootedTexan at 3:19 PM

Bite your tongue Carlos.

FIRST QUARTER:

(Texans first possession)

Joe Critz at 3:19 PM

its biscuit time

Carlos Flores at 3:21 PM

Of all the gigs, why JAX? They’re going to make him bow out for health reasons

Offense is coming out primero.

l4blitzer at 3:24 PM

If the Urbz is going anywhere it would be to the future London Jaguars, but Urbz to Dallas would be a match...Urbz=douche coach; Cowboys=douche franchise...could work...hate to subject Dak to that, but c’est la vive.

Joe Critz at 3:25 PM

lets go!

Carlos Flores at 3:26 PM

Watch this rookie kicker land a 50+ yarder on us today.

Joe Critz at 3:26 PM

lets get this win and cause more chaos

l4blitzer at 3:26 PM

Yeah, that could be a plus for TEN

Joe Critz at 3:26 PM

charlie heck!

Carlos Flores at 3:27 PM

Radio guys shouldn’t be shy. Fuller was suspended.

COWARDS

Joe Critz at 3:28 PM

Cowards

(BESFs first possession)

Joe Critz at 3:29 PM

i’m lucky my cable company is giving us two late games when we usually only get one

and the bonus one was this texans game, so i get to watch this on actual tv for the first time since like week 6

l4blitzer at 3:30 PM

Our bonus was IND/future LON...meh

Joe Critz at 3:30 PM

john wolford about to be better than goff

UprootedTexan at 3:31 PM

We’ve got two games on TV here too, it’s a “pick your NFC West adventure” kind of situation though.

Joe Critz at 3:32 PM

hahaha

screw the seahawks always and forever

doomed to be a divisional round exit for all of eternity

UprootedTexan at 3:32 PM

The Stealers already did. In SB XL. Yes, I still have a grudge.

Joe Critz at 3:33 PM

hahaha

(BESFs second possession)

Joe Critz at 3:34 PM

like the 20th time this year he hurt his leg

it sucks cuz he’s one of my favorite receivers in the league but he just can’t escape the injury bug

bigfatdrunk at 3:34 PM

I’m getting the Rams and Bears games, not the Texans. This is so embarrassing.

UprootedTexan at 3:34 PM

Ahhhh, never change Marshawn Lynch.

Derrick Henry’s gonna embarrass us today.

Joe Critz at 3:39 PM

got a stop woooo!

Carlos Flores at 3:39 PM

Well, this was a surprisingly good opening for the defense.

(Texans second possession)

Joe Critz at 3:40 PM

chum me

CHUM ME

INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS

UprootedTexan at 3:44 PM

CHUMley.

Carlos Flores at 3:44 PM

CHUMbalaya

(Watson intercepted by BESFs. Traitors ball)

(BESFs second possession)

Joe Critz at 3:44 PM

PAIN

WATSON PICK

DISGUSTING

Carlos Flores at 3:44 PM

Watson got jumped by a Hooker.

UprootedTexan at 3:44 PM

[Durga], he threw it right to him.

Carlos Flores at 3:45 PM

Sorry, I meant sex worker.

Wow, Corey Davis had no business dropping that ball.

UprootedTexan at 3:47 PM

Maybe not, but I’m not about to lose any sleep about it.

Carlos Flores at 3:48 PM

3 more yards and my prediction would have been right. We’ve got a lot of football left, though.

(BESFs field goal. BESFs lead 3-0)

(Texans third possession)

Joe Critz at 3:48 PM

funny game time

Titan Matt Weston at 3:52 PM

Tennessee’s kicker is an absolute tank

UprootedTexan at 3:53 PM

Keke Coutee still has a tail.

Carlos Flores at 3:53 PM

Keke with the recovery. Look at Chad Hansen blocking. I love him.

UprootedTexan at 3:54 PM

The CHAD can do it all.

Titan Matt Weston at 3:54 PM

[Kitten] that was sick chad block

I can’t wait to never watch him again after this season

UprootedTexan at 3:55 PM

But enough about Kahale Warring.

Titan Matt Weston at 3:55 PM

Keke Coutee spends his time on Twitter arguing what is and isn’t sex

Carlos Flores at 3:56 PM

It’s whatever manages to get through the hole in the sheet.

Let’s see if we can get six here.

UprootedTexan at 3:57 PM

I have questions.

Carlos Flores at 3:57 PM

DJ was better off not catching that.

l4blitzer at 3:57 PM

Not sure I want those answered...

UprootedTexan at 3:57 PM

Mrs. UT made cheesesteak sliders.

Oh I’m terrified of the answers, but I have questions.

Carlos Flores at 3:58 PM

[Kitten], that sounds LEGIT.

Except I don’t get mine with onions. Just meat and cheese, please.

Titan Matt Weston at 3:58 PM

Does eating cheesesteak sliders count as sex?

UprootedTexan at 3:59 PM

Depends on who’s making them.

These have meat, cheese, onions and peppers.

Joe Critz at 3:59 PM

what is that image

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 24-yard field goal is good. Game tied 3-3)

(BESFs third possession)

Titan Matt Weston at 4:00 PM

Glad to see Adoree Jackson finally not get torched in coverage after getting his taters lit against GB

Carlos Flores at 4:00 PM

Let it go. You don’t want none with the furry community.

UprootedTexan at 4:02 PM

Titan Matt Weston at 4:02 PM

yeah that counts as sex

Carlos Flores at 4:02 PM

Sloppy sex at that. You’re going to need need a new sheet with a hole in it afterwards.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:02 PM

Joe Critz at 4:02 PM

sex grease

what is happening, bro

UprootedTexan at 4:03 PM

Matt, are you okay?

Joe Critz at 4:03 PM

i don’t know what this is but it has to stop

Carlos Flores at 4:03 PM

If he starts yipping, we might have to take him out back like Old Yeller.

Joe Critz at 4:03 PM

this is better

Titan Matt Weston at 4:05 PM

I really hope this is the last year of Carlos Watkins

SECOND QUARTER:

(BESFs TD. BESFs lead 10-3)

Joe Critz at 4:08 PM

its henry time

Carlos Flores at 4:08 PM

Oh [Durga], he’s gone.

It didn’t even look like he had to kick into that secret gear of his.

UprootedTexan at 4:09 PM

It’s bed-[kitten]ing time.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:09 PM

LET’S GO

[Durga] [kitten] I love how Henry torched Jacob Martin on this one

l4blitzer at 4:10 PM

Our _efense, starting off 2021 like it’s 2020

UprootedTexan at 4:11 PM

Sorry, I was just on a trip to memory lane, that looked an awful lot like the Battle Red Carpet defense.

Carlos Flores at 4:11 PM

Andrew Brown got manhandled on that run.

Had to look him up because, WHO?

Joe Critz at 4:11 PM

SHUT UP JACOB MARTIN IS GOOD

UprootedTexan at 4:12 PM

::sees Derrick Henry pants him::

He’s what now?

(Texans third possession)

Joe Critz at 4:12 PM

he’s good

who would Tennessee play if they win this game

Baltimore?

Titan Matt Weston at 4:13 PM

Henry only needs 151 more to break 2K

TEN would play the #6 seed

UprootedTexan at 4:13 PM

Fifth seed I think so I think it is Baltimore.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:13 PM

nevermind they would be the #4 seed so they would play #5 BMORE

Joe Critz at 4:13 PM

lol they’re gonna lose to Baltimore

it’s OVER

UprootedTexan at 4:13 PM

Best thing for them.

Joe Critz at 4:14 PM

i just know it i feel it in my bones

Calais Campbell has never lost to derrick henry

WOO

BIG PASS

AJ

l4blitzer at 4:15 PM

Was wondering when we would see the wizardry of Tracy Smith...been a little quiet as of late

UprootedTexan at 4:15 PM

HOLY [KITTEN] THEY FAKED A PUNT!

AND IT WORKED!

I’m more surprised at the second part than the first.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:15 PM

Mike Vrabel is the worst Connect Four player of alltime

Carlos Flores at 4:16 PM

Part of the issue of having a DVR is rewinding and forgetting you’re behind. I’m sure it was glorious

l4blitzer at 4:16 PM

Remember, Vrabel is all about Go. More longer term strategy.

Joe Critz at 4:16 PM

okay so this is how they beat bmore

UprootedTexan at 4:16 PM

Leader. Of. Men.

Joe Critz at 4:17 PM

pass like crazy

that’s the only way

Carlos Flores at 4:18 PM

Heck got beat.

UprootedTexan at 4:18 PM

Gasp.

Joe Critz at 4:18 PM

fg timeeee

Carlos Flores at 4:18 PM

At least Hawaiian Punch can do his job....somewhat.

UprootedTexan at 4:19 PM

This feels like it’s going to be a pure, distilled All Field Goal Offense kind of game.

l4blitzer at 4:19 PM

Goin’ old school this game...

(Ka’imi Fairbairn 43-yard field goal is good. BESFs lead 10-6)

(BESFs fourth possession)

Joe Critz at 4:20 PM

so if ur tennessee would u rather face buffalo in the playoffs or baltimore

Carlos Flores at 4:20 PM

He almost had Landry in a chokehold lol

UprootedTexan at 4:20 PM

I posit there is nothing weirder in the world than hearing a four year old use the word “doomscroll” in any context.

Joe Critz at 4:20 PM

LMAO

UprootedTexan at 4:20 PM

Baltimore, probably. Buffalo is wrecking everybody’s [kitten] right now.

Joe Critz at 4:20 PM

yeah but so is baltimore

but i guess not as much as buffalo

the ravens offense has just been nuts these past few weeks so i’m afraid of them

l4blitzer at 4:22 PM

BE-SFs squashed BUF earlier this season, so you would figure they don’t care all that much whether it is BAL or BUF

Joe Critz at 4:22 PM

buffalo wasn’t nearly as good back then on defense as they are now tho

UprootedTexan at 4:22 PM

But that’s earlier. A lot can change in the course of a season.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:23 PM

Yeah they squashed BUF because of first half turnovers in a [kitten]y weather game when BUF’s defense was bad like Joe mentioned. That was a long time ago.

Joe Critz at 4:23 PM

i feel like Green Bay and Cleveland showed there’s obvious ways to beat the titans, so you wanna pick the team that is least able to copy them

l4blitzer at 4:23 PM

True, but i would figure they really would not care at this point...

Titan Matt Weston at 4:24 PM

Baltimore beat bad teams by a lot of points. I bet they get knocked out in the first round. The thing about Tennessee is they have to play a perfect Tennessee game. They can’t turn the ball over, have to get an early lead, and they can’t make mistakes. The CLE lost had more to do with their backup corner getting torched for 150+ yards and 2 touchdowns than anything else.

UprootedTexan at 4:24 PM

LOL, the Panthers just asked to interview Nick Caserio for their GM job and I’m getting PTSD flashbacks.

Joe Critz at 4:25 PM

ur right

Carlos Flores at 4:25 PM

LOL look at Henry. Can’t wait for the Patriots to whine about that.

Joe Critz at 4:25 PM

[Durga] i hope they beat baltimore i’m so done with them this season

but something in my core tells me they won’t lose to tennessee again after all the drama

should really be miami vs. tennessee

that would be an awesome game

(BESFs touchdown. BESFs lead 17-6)

(Texans fourth possession)

Titan Matt Weston at 4:26 PM

AHEM Tyrell Adams sucks

bigfatdrunk at 4:27 PM

J.J. Watt was in coverage on the TD pass. I don’t get it.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:27 PM

My only concern about TEN v. BAL from a TITAN UP perspective, is Tennessee no longer has Dean Pees, and he orchestrated the incredible game plan last year that took away Lamar Jackson’s middle field throwing and forced everything to the sideline.

AHEM Anthony Weaver sucks

Joe Critz at 4:28 PM

good call

UprootedTexan at 4:28 PM

Trying this again.

A little early to break this one out but...

UprootedTexan at 4:28 PM

Pean Dees.

Joe Critz at 4:29 PM

rashaan evans and jayon brown are my favorite lb duo so i feel like as long as they stay healthy and contain lamar, things should work out

Carlos Flores at 4:29 PM

I kind of enjoyed having Yakko stare into my soul.

Joe Critz at 4:30 PM

HAHAHAHA

Carlos Flores at 4:30 PM

PEAN DEEZ LOL

Joe Critz at 4:30 PM

that just made me actually laugh

Titan Matt Weston at 4:30 PM

Brown is out for the year so they have been playing David Long, who is a pretty good blitzer

Joe Critz at 4:30 PM

ohhh yeah i forgot

Titan Matt Weston at 4:30 PM

Yeah I had a lot of fun making Dean Pees jokes in the void last year

l4blitzer at 4:30 PM

Radio guys: “I’m trying to think about the hardest part of Derrick Henry...” Guess the radio guys already have to go to the double entendres early...

Carlos Flores at 4:31 PM

That’s easy, it’s the turd.

UprootedTexan at 4:31 PM

AKA his hair.

The CHAD Hansen with the first down!

l4blitzer at 4:32 PM

4 sacks for TEN, right?

UprootedTexan at 4:33 PM

David Johnson doing pass protection is the Texans equivalent of the bully’s toady from A Christmas Story poking Ralphie as he’s beating the [kitten] out of the bully and saying “hey, cut it out.”

Joe Critz at 4:36 PM

hahaha

i’m getting my dad

who’s david johnson’s dad

aaron jones?

UprootedTexan at 4:37 PM

Bill O’Brien.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:39 PM

“David Johnson can be a feature back if used properly” GO [KITTEN] YOURSELF!!!!!

Carlos Flores at 4:40 PM

The greatest lie ever told was that David Johnson could be a feature back.

UprootedTexan at 4:40 PM

“...if used properly” Bill O’Brien uses the blade from a power saw as a screwdriver.

Joe Critz at 4:41 PM

can the bears please win

it’s not gonna happen

UprootedTexan at 4:41 PM

Where’s the fun in that?

Joe Critz at 4:41 PM

trubisky in the playoffs!

playoff biscuit

they’re winning a playoff game if they make it in

UprootedTexan at 4:42 PM

LOL, the Cards/Rams game is currently 7-5.

Carlos Flores at 4:42 PM

The conversations on Twitter about how Trubisky being in the playoffs while Watson isn’t means that he’s the better QB would be interesting to see.

Joe Critz at 4:42 PM

i’d eat it up

UprootedTexan at 4:42 PM

If by interesting you mean “infuriating” then yes.

Joe Critz at 4:43 PM

steelers should pick up trubisky, sam darnold, and draft mac jones

big competition for the job after ben retires

UprootedTexan at 4:43 PM

Going for that all quarterback offense?

Joe Critz at 4:43 PM

YES

Carlos Flores at 4:43 PM

Taysom Hill should be in that mix.

Joe Critz at 4:44 PM

but for real if i had a dual threat like tyrod or taysom hill as a backup i’d use them ALL THE TIME on the field

just freak out the defense constantly

UprootedTexan at 4:44 PM

Crap, he’s out of bounds, just barely.

Joe Critz at 4:44 PM

line tyrod up as a rb behind herbert

NO HE ISN’T

bigfatdrunk at 4:44 PM

That is SO close.

I think it will be hard to overturn the incompletion, though.

UprootedTexan at 4:45 PM

I almost forgot there was a Texans game going on.

l4blitzer at 4:45 PM

Part of me wants to see the TD, but the other part of me is annoyed that this just drags this season out that much longer...

Titan Matt Weston at 4:45 PM

Even if it won’t count, dog gone that’s an incredible Watson throw

Joe Critz at 4:45 PM

just give me some good news

bigfatdrunk at 4:45 PM

See the arc on that baby? [kitten].

UprootedTexan at 4:46 PM

Crap, the call stands.

Joe Critz at 4:46 PM

ughhhh

fake fg

eat my [kitten]

UprootedTexan at 4:47 PM

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

bigfatdrunk at 4:47 PM

COW.

ards.

l4blitzer at 4:47 PM

Back to the future with our game plan today...

Carlos Flores at 4:48 PM

So accurate to how it feels to be a Texans fan.

(BESFs fifth possession)

bigfatdrunk at 4:48 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Joe Critz at 4:49 PM

that’s a real pain face

Titan Matt Weston at 4:49 PM

I want to be the general manager just so I can trade him to the Jets for a fourth round pick

UprootedTexan at 4:49 PM

I’ll make a note of it for when they bring me in for an interview.

HALFTIME SCORE: TEXANS 9 - THAT OTHER TEAM 17.

(BESFs will receive second half kickoff)

HALFTIME REACTIONS:

Joe Critz at 4:51 PM

this is a very texans game. bad defense, offense is decent but can’t punch it in

good synopsis of the season so far

Carlos Flores at 4:51 PM

Brandin Cooks looks like he just ate the Cici’s buffet empty.

UprootedTexan at 4:51 PM

Whooooooooooooooooooooooa, we’re halfway there. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA Offseason of despair!

Carlos Flores at 4:52 PM

This season is almost as bad as a trip to Golden Corral. One more half until we get to shove our faces into the dessert fountain.

Joe Critz at 4:52 PM

there’ll be plenty of good wrs in the 2021 draft, and plenty of good linebackers as well, so if we trade cooks and pick the right guys in the later rounds, both sides of the ball can see improvement

l4blitzer at 4:53 PM

Titans leading, Derrick Henry running like he wants 2000 and we want to give it to him, Titans’ pass rush adding to their low sack total...only surprised that we are keeping it this close and we could actually be in the lead...ah well, two more quarters and we start the road to recovery with this franchise.

Titan Matt Weston at 4:54 PM

WE ARE SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT, oh, wait, that’s just blood from chewing on my tongue

UprootedTexan at 4:55 PM

I’ve got the LOTR gif cued up and ready to go.

Carlos Flores at 4:57 PM

Is it the one where Elijah Wood is looking at everyone like a big doofus in bed?

Joe Critz at 5:00 PM

it’s gonna be the one where he yells at all the other hobbits for cooking rice krispies in that cave

UprootedTexan at 5:00 PM

You’ll just have to wait for the clock to hit zero to find out.

Carlos Flores at 5:03 PM

Even if it isn’t, it’s the dumbest thing ever put to youtube.

THIRD QUARTER:

(BESFs sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 5:03 PM

C’mon just run the clock, hurry up and end this game.

[Kitten] you CBS, Earl Campbell is not a BESF.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Blacklock’s hurt.

Carlos Flores at 5:07 PM

Shoot Vernon Hargreaves into the sun.

Yeah, as a DT to make an open field tackle.

That was the easiest TD Henry will ever have.

(BESFs TD, BESFs lead 24-9)

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan at 5:12 PM

[Durga] [kitten]ing [kitten] this [kitten]ing defense can suck my duck.

Carlos Flores at 5:13 PM

Aflac!

UprootedTexan at 5:13 PM

I’ll say it again, absolutely nobody in the coaching staff and, with the exception of Watt and Reid, double nobody should be back on defense.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:14 PM

Only 83 yards away now

Carlos Flores at 5:14 PM

This game isn’t even ha-ha bad. This is like watching a tortoise taking his last gasps of air after living 110 years looking like Cal McNair’s nutsack.

UprootedTexan at 5:15 PM

I did not need to see that.

Joe Critz at 5:15 PM

my favorite thing to think of

i’m gonna throw up

the titans are dangerously close to having a 2k rb and TWO wrs to break 1000 yds

both davis and brown a few catches away from 1000 each

absolutely unreal offensive production

FLEA FLICKER LETS GOOOOO

Titan Matt Weston at 5:17 PM

If you ever see a desert tortoise in the middle of the road make sure to not surprise it. If you do, it could pee as a defense mechanism, which would eject all of its liquid, and making it susceptible to die of dehydration in the desert. Calmly and gently walk up to it. Pick it up. And move it to the other side of the road.

Joe Critz at 5:18 PM

that’s very sweet

the little guy just gets spooked easily!

(Watson to Cooks for the Texans touchdown! Fairbairn extra point is no good. BESFs lead 24-15.)

Carlos Flores at 5:19 PM

Aww, that is pretty sweet. [KITTEN]IT HAWAIIAN PUNCH.

l4blitzer at 5:19 PM

A trick play that didn’t blow up in our faces...of course at the end of a lost season...aaaaannnnddd Fairbrian decided to miss it because...

UprootedTexan at 5:21 PM

Maybe I should just water the tortoise. I hear the shell blooms if you do.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:21 PM

Make it pee, then water it, and then watch its shell bloom

UprootedTexan at 5:22 PM

Since we’re purging the entire defense, should we get rid of Fairbairn too? It’s not like kickers are hard to come by.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:22 PM

YES we should

(BESFs seventh possession)

Carlos Flores at 5:23 PM

The shell does what now?

l4blitzer at 5:23 PM

What’s the dead money hit on Fairbairn if we cut him?

Titan Matt Weston at 5:23 PM

COME ON Mike Glennon

UprootedTexan at 5:23 PM

Blooms, like an onion.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:23 PM

Houston would lose 50K in cap space if they cut Fairbairn

l4blitzer at 5:24 PM

Eh, Kyle’s good for it...

Carlos Flores at 5:24 PM

Oh my [Durga], idk if that’s supposed to be beautiful or disgusting.

We should have picked up Blakenship. Goggles was a surefire hit.

bigfatdrunk at 5:25 PM

Mercilus hurts so much worse.

Joe Critz at 5:25 PM

henry literally [kitten]ing on the defense

Carlos Flores at 5:25 PM

I’m a dumb[kitten] lol. WHOOSH.

Joe Critz at 5:26 PM

should’ve absolutely picked up the goggles i agree

Carlos Flores at 5:26 PM

If Henry completed that run, I might have jumped through a window.

UprootedTexan at 5:26 PM

He [kitten] near pulled a beastquake on the Texans.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:27 PM

Firkser gave Crossen a nose bleed on that pull

(BESFs touchdown. BESFs lead 31-15)

(Texans seventh possession)

Titan Matt Weston at 5:28 PM

List of Texans I never want to see again: Brennan Scarlett, Carlos Watkins, Tyrell Adams, Vernon Hargreaves III, Zach Fulton, Philip Gaines, Brandon Dunn, Whitney Mercilus, Brandin Cooks, Darren Fells, David Johnson, and A.J. McCarron.

UprootedTexan at 5:28 PM

They’re gonna hang 50 on us, aren’t they?

Carlos Flores at 5:28 PM

AJ Moore wanted none of Tannehill on that run.

l4blitzer at 5:30 PM

I know we will be shocked by this, but Henry now has 201 yards on the ground.

UprootedTexan at 5:30 PM

From a strictly football perspective, I want to die.

Joe Critz at 5:31 PM

okay so more playoff speculation

that’ll make u feel better

Titan Matt Weston at 5:31 PM

only 22 yards to go!

TITAN UP DADDY

UprootedTexan at 5:31 PM

I think I’m going to adopt the Browns as my pet team for the playoffs this year.

bigfatdrunk at 5:31 PM

I’m rooting for him, but it should get an asterisk for two games against us LOL!

Joe Critz at 5:31 PM

if the bears make the playoffs via cardinals losing and green bay getting the 1st round bye, they will play the seahawks, who they can beat

bigfatdrunk at 5:31 PM

That’s my team, too, UT. Baker finally got into a good system for him.

Joe Critz at 5:31 PM

seahawks just suck if you have a good defense

Titan Matt Weston at 5:32 PM

Baker is always a little bit of pass rush away from falling apart. It’s a good system for any quarterback, even Kirk Cousins.

Joe Critz at 5:32 PM

imagine the browns if they got josh allen or something

terrifying

l4blitzer at 5:32 PM

Ok, Tracy Smith is showing signs that he might be worth keeping

bigfatdrunk at 5:32 PM

Yeah, but he would have never developed. What Daboll did with Allen is shocking.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:32 PM

I think the NFC is all about matchups. SEA and GB can beat New Orleans, Tampa Bay can beat Green Bay, New Orleans can beat everyone else.

UprootedTexan at 5:32 PM

Oh look, David Johnson’s one good run of the day.

Joe Critz at 5:33 PM

COOKS ME UP BABY

COOKS BACK TO FORM

whoever gets cooks next year is going to the playoffs

Titan Matt Weston at 5:33 PM

Buffalo taking out Indy would be an all-time day in the Weston household

Carlos Flores at 5:33 PM

DJ picked a fantastic time to show up.

Joe Critz at 5:34 PM

will indy be out of the playoffs if they lose today and titans win?

(Watson to Cooks for the Texans touchdown! Two point conversion to Hansen is no good. BESFs lead 31-21)

bigfatdrunk at 5:34 PM

Deshaun Watson’s dimes are arcs of perfection.

Joe Critz at 5:34 PM

does miami get in over them if they’re both 10-6?

Carlos Flores at 5:34 PM

Cooks TD

Titan Matt Weston at 5:34 PM

Oh look another Brandin Cooks deep crosser (jerk off motion)

That’s the only route he can run anymore

Joe Critz at 5:35 PM

eat my entire [kitten] matt

Titan Matt Weston at 5:35 PM

disgusting

I think INDY is 100% out if they lose today

l4blitzer at 5:35 PM

Oh, now we decide to play in a stooo-pid shootout....

Titan Matt Weston at 5:36 PM

Nice route combination out of a bunch combination for chad.

UprootedTexan at 5:36 PM

Yeah, if they lose Miami gets the last playoff spot.

(BESFs eighth possession)

Joe Critz at 5:36 PM

YES

LETS GO JACKSONVILLE

that’s probably a cursed thing to say here

but i mean we like miami more than the jags so

bigfatdrunk at 5:37 PM

Oh yeah.

Joe Critz at 5:37 PM

justified

bigfatdrunk at 5:38 PM

They have all of our picks, so they are like Texans East, but in a much more stupid state.

Joe Critz at 5:38 PM

they even got a belichick head coach

l4blitzer at 5:38 PM

Oh, the conversion wasn’t good? Sheesh, isn’t that 2020 Texans, even in 2021.

Joe Critz at 5:38 PM

that’s where cooks is going next year oh my [Durga]

that’s exactly where he’s going it all makes sense

Titan Matt Weston at 5:38 PM

Shouts out to everyone who said Houston was trading a mid 20s first round pick for the 2021 trade back when the Laremy Tunsil was traded.

(Derrick Henry fumbles the ball. Texans recover!)

(Texans eighth possession)

Joe Critz at 5:38 PM

OH MY [DURGA]

ASJKDLGKJLAGJKLDAFGJKLADFGAD

bigfatdrunk at 5:38 PM

Sigh, yeah.

Joe Critz at 5:39 PM

CUNNINGHAM EXACTS HIS REVENGE

GET SWIPED HENRY

UprootedTexan at 5:39 PM

Oh my [Durga], did Miami get the one good Belichick coach?

l4blitzer at 5:39 PM

A turnover??? We...we can do that?

Carlos Flores at 5:39 PM

Can’t believe that reach worked.

Joe Critz at 5:39 PM

COOOOKSSSSSSS

Carlos Flores at 5:40 PM

Did Cooks meet up with Fuller at halftime or something?

Joe Critz at 5:40 PM

malcolm butler washed?

bigfatdrunk at 5:40 PM

That was a funky punch out.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:40 PM

Butler is completely fine and is better than he was last year

bigfatdrunk at 5:40 PM

Nine takeaways this season by that D. Awful.

Joe Critz at 5:40 PM

hahaha i know i’m just being an [kitten] for a hot second

Titan Matt Weston at 5:40 PM

Zach Cunningham blaring cocaine pinata on that forced fumble

l4blitzer at 5:41 PM

We are in great position for a short dramatic Fairbairn FG

bigfatdrunk at 5:41 PM

What pattern was that by Cooks, Matt?

Joe Critz at 5:41 PM

WOO

BACK IN THIS BABY

Carlos Flores at 5:41 PM

That was a hella scary leap by DJ.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:42 PM

Another deep crosser

Vrabel is such a bad DC. Just play press on Cooks and let the corner know his leverage with help behind him with the safety.

(David Johnson runs for a Texans touchdown! BESFs lead 31-28)

l4blitzer at 5:42 PM

The stoopid continues

But it is a fun stoopid

Joe Critz at 5:43 PM

this final week of games is so fun

i’m losing my mind

every game is so important and so close

i’m like grinning ear to ear like an idiot just looking at the scores

(BESFs ninth possession)

Carlos Flores at 5:44 PM

Carlos Watkins did something.

He did something again. He heard someone talking about him.

Joe Critz at 5:45 PM

and also matt i’m being an [kitten] and clowning the titans occasionally because my friend also messages me on twitter with the worst most obnoxious steelers takes of all time during games, so i gotta get my form of that out somewhere as a release

things are happening!

UprootedTexan at 5:45 PM

Never ever apologize for [kitten]ing on the BESFs. This is the one fanbase where it is not only allowed but encouraged.

Just because Matt has confused loyalties doesn’t mean we should feel bad about them.

Joe Critz at 5:46 PM

what’s funny is i have a soft spot for the titans and LOVED them in 2018 cuz i thought their receiving corps was secretly fantastic and mariota was one good coach away from being a pro bowler

FOURTH QUARTER:

Joe Critz at 5:47 PM

i thought vrabel and lefluer was gonna be the secret code to unlock mariotas powers

but that never happened haha, but the titans receivers ARE great and it all worked out in another weird way

Titan Matt Weston at 5:48 PM

We’re all good. I just have watched every Titans game the last three years and I won’t stand for besmirching by little blue teethed cousins at the Logan’s Roadhouse

bigfatdrunk at 5:48 PM

Truer words never spoken, UT. I worry about Big Matt. Often.

Joe Critz at 5:49 PM

it’s too bad they’ll never beat my steelers

Titan Matt Weston at 5:49 PM

Send me my jacket and worry about yourself!!!

UprootedTexan at 5:49 PM

Speaking of confused and abhorrent loyalties...

Joe Critz at 5:50 PM

HAHAHAHA

UprootedTexan at 5:51 PM

I really hope this isn’t JJ’s last season with the team.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:51 PM

13 yards left

(Omenihu sacks Tannehill on fourth down. Turnover on downs. Texans ball!)

(Texans ninth possession)

Joe Critz at 5:51 PM

this is a GAME

Carlos Flores at 5:51 PM

Good stop, I refuse to get my hopes up.

Joe Critz at 5:52 PM

SAAAAAACK

Carlos Flores at 5:52 PM

What the hell was Vrabel thinking?

Joe Critz at 5:52 PM

COWARDS

Titan Matt Weston at 5:53 PM

That was the right call.

UprootedTexan at 5:53 PM

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Titan Matt Weston at 5:54 PM

I’m glad the Titans have their back up guard in who weighs 274 pounds to help Charles Omenihu’s sack total.

UprootedTexan at 5:55 PM

How many Silence of the Lambs spinoffs do we need, anyway?

Carlos Flores at 5:57 PM

After the masterpiece that was “Hannibal”, they should have left it alone.

bigfatdrunk at 5:57 PM

I don’t know which is worse: when we run or throw a screen.

Joe Critz at 5:57 PM

first DOWN

UprootedTexan at 5:57 PM

At least with a screen, they get more than two yards the way they do when there’s a CHUM.

Titan Matt Weston at 5:58 PM

Yes, the Titans are playing Shane Ray and Brooks Reed today, and no it’s not 2016.

UprootedTexan at 5:58 PM

Has Kahale Warring gotten a look today?

(Watson to Pharaoh Brown for the Texans touchdown! Texans take the lead 35-31!)

Joe Critz at 5:59 PM

AAAAAA

SDKFJLASDJKLGAKLJGWERLJKGHERWJKL

Titan Matt Weston at 6:00 PM

Watson is absolutely ridiculous

UprootedTexan at 6:00 PM

How? HOW?!

bigfatdrunk at 6:01 PM

That pass qualifies as art.

Joe Critz at 6:01 PM

i love this game

i love this team

can we play the titans more

but like win

UprootedTexan at 6:02 PM

Football is weird.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:02 PM

Football is weird, but Watson isn’t

Of all the things I was wrong about entering this season, the Titans defense is the thing I think I was most wrong about

Joe Critz at 6:03 PM

titans defense isn’t bad though!

l4blitzer at 6:03 PM

This does not make sense in any shape, form or fashion...so of course it will happen.

(BESFs tenth possession)

Titan Matt Weston at 6:04 PM

Yeah, it’s really bad, like bottom five bad.

l4blitzer at 6:04 PM

If I am TEN, this D performance, even against us is very, very scary

Joe Critz at 6:04 PM

oh.

hahaha

i thought they were okay

maybe they were in the first half of the season

has jeffery simmons been good all year

Titan Matt Weston at 6:06 PM

They were supposed to be, but Adoree Jackson got hurt, Jadeveon Clowney wasn’t ready for the 2020 season and then got hurt, Vic Beasley was grotesque (not really a surprise), their pass rush has been atrocious, their inside linebacker play hasn’t been as good, and their third-fifth string cornerbacks were atrocious.

bigfatdrunk at 6:06 PM

The AJ in AJ Brown might as well stand for Andre Johnson.

UprootedTexan at 6:06 PM

But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

Joe Critz at 6:07 PM

Adoree Jackson Brown

it’s too bad cuz i thought Adoree was a great pick

Titan Matt Weston at 6:07 PM

Adoree is really good, he’s just been hurt. I stopped calling AJ Brown Andre Johnson because AJ killed it with one sentence.

There it is, 2K

bigfatdrunk at 6:08 PM

Very true. Just so freaking similar.

Joe Critz at 6:08 PM

2000!

bigfatdrunk at 6:08 PM

HAHAHAHA! Indy goes ahead!

Joe Critz at 6:08 PM

And a K for AJ

Carlos Flores at 6:08 PM

Good thing Hargreaves weighs like 20 pounds.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:09 PM

Would you rather BOLT UP, TITAN UP, or BEAR DOWN?

bigfatdrunk at 6:09 PM

Tannehill must drool when he sees Hargreaves lined up on Brown.

UprootedTexan at 6:09 PM

Bolt up.

Joe Critz at 6:10 PM

BOLT UP

no question

Titan Matt Weston at 6:10 PM

I guess so, but imagine being so lame you copy the Tennessee Titans?

Carlos Flores at 6:10 PM

Thank goodness for holding.

bigfatdrunk at 6:11 PM

I’m pretty sure TITAN UP means banging your cousin.

Joe Critz at 6:11 PM

best jersey’s in the league, ekelord, and herbert make it an easy pick

Titan Matt Weston at 6:11 PM

It’s no different than the nauseating let Deshaun cook, copying a fanbase that copied a cult of maroon hillbillies

Making an off-brand version of Viagra to sell in Nashville called TITAN UP

UprootedTexan at 6:12 PM

We’re fighting, Matt. We’re going to fight now.

Joe Critz at 6:12 PM

the chargers are absolutely not copying the titans

they actually have a qb

Titan Matt Weston at 6:13 PM

They 1000000% did with BOLT UP

Let’s go UT. I’ll call you up in 2025 when I make it to Washington again.

UprootedTexan at 6:13 PM

How do you know that the BESFs didn’t copy the Chargers?

Joe Critz at 6:14 PM

that might be a K for Corey too!

they might’ve done it!

okay the titans can lose now

i got what i wanted

BLACKLOCK TACKLE

Carlos Flores at 6:15 PM

I’ve got a deja vu feeling for some reason.

UprootedTexan at 6:15 PM

I’ve seen this movie before.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Titan Matt Weston at 6:16 PM

I’m 99.9% sure BOLT UP was created when they moved into their new stadium this year.

UprootedTexan at 6:16 PM

Every time they say a player “got penetration,” I feel dirty.

bigfatdrunk at 6:16 PM

I don’t agree with the BE-SFs running Henry into the ground. I think anybody will put up yards against us, but he is looking tired and a step slower.

UprootedTexan at 6:16 PM

What do you expect from a franchise that ran Earl Campbell to death? Is this still exotic methmouth?

bigfatdrunk at 6:18 PM

Call the TO.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:19 PM

[Durga] I love that Tannehill read option in the redzone

Carlos Flores at 6:20 PM

Arthur Smith has an extra nut for Vrabel to have if he ever wins it all.

Joe Critz at 6:20 PM

i love that read but i’m always horrified tannehill is gonna get hurt

bigfatdrunk at 6:20 PM

I don’t think it was even a read. I think Brown was supposed to be the lead blocker and got out of the way of Watt, who was crashing on Henry.

Joe Critz at 6:20 PM

also davis is like 16 yards away from 1000 so we got one guy left to make the stats trifecta

UprootedTexan at 6:21 PM

LOLOLOL, ILLEGAL FORMATION!

Carlos Flores at 6:21 PM

That could have been it.

bigfatdrunk at 6:21 PM

Wow. Nitpick to death.

Here’s the thing, though: that’s worse for us, I think, They’ll still score, and we have less time.

(BESFs touchdown. BESFs lead 38-35)

(Texans tenth possession)

Carlos Flores at 6:22 PM

HORRIBLE [KITTEN]ING READ

Joe Critz at 6:22 PM

NOOOO

Titan Matt Weston at 6:22 PM

MY butt is puckered

Titan Matt Weston at 6:23 PM

[Durga] Bless the Tennessee Titans

UprootedTexan at 6:23 PM

I’m reporting this to Tim.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:23 PM

Arthur Smith would be a great HC hire behind Eric Bienemy and Brian Daboll

Everyone knows how I feel about my kuntry kuzinz in Tennessee

bigfatdrunk at 6:24 PM

I’m 100% onboard with Smith.

UprootedTexan at 6:24 PM

I’d be fine with those three.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:24 PM

For me it’s 1. Bienemy 2. Daboll 3. Smith and nothing else matters

UprootedTexan at 6:25 PM

We’re almost done, lads.

Joe Critz at 6:26 PM

aakjlgadkljgdafjklghkejnhretj

AAAAA

Carlos Flores at 6:26 PM

Wow, what a throw by Watson.

UprootedTexan at 6:26 PM

RUN FATBOY RUN!

Joe Critz at 6:27 PM

that’s a cooks catch chill out bro

his whole torso is on the ground before the ball is ripped away

UprootedTexan at 6:27 PM

Okay, folks, place your bets: what stupid, awful, and funny way will this game end?

Joe Critz at 6:28 PM

50+ yd td run by watson

Carlos Flores at 6:28 PM

Jon Weeks botches the snap on Fairbairn’s field goal.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:29 PM

Cooks is the size of a newborn. That’s an interception.

UprootedTexan at 6:29 PM

Ruling stands.

Carlos Flores at 6:29 PM

Who’s RG right now?

Joe Critz at 6:29 PM

ME

it was heck earlier

i think it’s still heck

Carlos Flores at 6:30 PM

Fulton. IDK what I expected.

Joe Critz at 6:30 PM

COUTEEEE

Carlos Flores at 6:30 PM

COUTEEEE

bigfatdrunk at 6:30 PM

Fulton. Barf.

Joe Critz at 6:30 PM

oh yeah it is fulton i was thinking of rt sorry

UprootedTexan at 6:31 PM

I AIN’T HEARD NO FAT LADY!

Oh what the [kitten], Cooks?

Carlos Flores at 6:31 PM

Watson took a big risk on that shot.

l4blitzer at 6:31 PM

I still have TEN running the kickoff back to win the game, but we shall see

Carlos Flores at 6:32 PM

Deshaun is throwing SHOTS.

Literal bullets.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:32 PM

This is going into OT because the 2020 season can never end.

(Fairbairn 51-yard field goal is good. Game tied 38-38)

Carlos Flores at 6:32 PM

Do it.

Joe Critz at 6:32 PM

WE’RE GOING TO OT BABY

Carlos Flores at 6:32 PM

Wow, low but nailed it.

UprootedTexan at 6:33 PM

I’m going to throw up.

l4blitzer at 6:34 PM

Assuming no derp on kick coverage, we may yet get that glorious first ever tie...

Titan Matt Weston at 6:34 PM

It’s never going to end

bigfatdrunk at 6:34 PM

This game ain’t ending in a tie.

(BESFs eleventh possession)

Titan Matt Weston at 6:34 PM

BALLS OF STEEL

Joe Critz at 6:35 PM

OH NOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOO

Carlos Flores at 6:35 PM

AJ Brown just stabbed us in the heart.

Joe Critz at 6:35 PM

should’ve been corey

bigfatdrunk at 6:35 PM

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Carlos Flores at 6:35 PM

Big ask of Crossen to do that himself.

UprootedTexan at 6:35 PM

[Kitten] hope.

Hope is for the stupid.

Joe Critz at 6:36 PM

just gotta miss!

bigfatdrunk at 6:36 PM

Eric Murray butchered TF out of that.

Titan Matt Weston at 6:36 PM

HAHAH holy [kitten]

Carlos Flores at 6:38 PM

Something about Murray units.

(BESFs field goal goes off the upright, still counts anyway. BESFs lead 41-38)

Joe Critz at 6:38 PM

NOOOOOO

Carlos Flores at 6:38 PM

LOL

Joe Critz at 6:38 PM

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

COME ON

Carlos Flores at 6:39 PM

It needed that extra little sprinkle of stupid.

bigfatdrunk at 6:39 PM

LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Carlos Flores at 6:39 PM

J.J. is going to make me cry.

Joe Critz at 6:39 PM

the cherry on top come on man

UprootedTexan at 6:39 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Carlos Flores at 6:40 PM

The geometry [Durga]s hate us.

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 38 - BESFs 41.

UprootedTexan at 6:40 PM

Joe Critz at 6:41 PM

what a perfectly weird way to finish the season

there it is!

Titan Matt Weston at 6:41 PM

WOOOOOOO THEY DID IT WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Joe Critz at 6:41 PM

the gif!

what an absolutely bonkers ending

i’m about to [kitten] my soul away

Carlos Flores at 6:44 PM

What’s important is the friends we made along the way.

bigfatdrunk at 6:44 PM

41-38. On January 3. Such symmetry to life, the world and everything. #1993

Carlos Flores at 6:44 PM

l4blitzer at 6:48 PM

This game is exactly what BO’B and Easterby gave us...offense with Watson, only limited by the vaunted Texans _efense.

GAME BALLS:

I’m not going to bother with game balls. I want you to close your eyes and imagine who you would give a game ball to for this game. And now they have the game ball this week! That’s a bit of happy news!

Now let us know what you think about what you want to see now that the season is over! The floor is yours!