HOUSTON, TX – At long last, the Houston Texans, after four months of waiting and spending millions of dollars on high-priced consulting firms, have their man. On Tuesday night, various NFL insiders and press reports revealed that the Texans, after a gloriously successful interview process, (where Jack Easterby had Cal McNair ask the question: “Are you Nick Caserio?”) hired one Nick Caserio, formerly of the New England Patriots. Reports indicate that the Texans signed the first-time GM to a six-year contract worth an estimated $6M/per year. There was much reaction:
(Former) Interim GM and Current Spiritual Advisor to the Houston Texans, Jack Easterby: “Glory and blessings upon the Lord! We have our man. The journey was long, the path difficult, but through my, err, the Lord’s divine will, we have our man!”
Houston Texans Team President Jamey Rootes: “Sorry, what was that? Hold on just a second [indistinct shuffling]. Hey babe, ya gotta go. Yeah, some news organization is interviewing me. Sweep the stuff off the table and get out of here. No, the check will clear, trust me. Trust me. We just blew a metric ton of money on some new guy. Honey, will you just calm down? Look, I sold a few more books, you’re gonna get what I promised you! Hey…hold on, is my Zoom still on? Did I forget to mute the mike? Oh, [kitten]!!!” [The connection was instantly severed.]
Houston Texans Owner Cal McNair: “Yeah, I’m quite happy about this. Really great hire. That firm I brought in, they did a few good things. Came up with a few good men. But deep down, we all knew that this was the right move. As I was saying to my boy Richelieu, er, Jack, ‘Hey, what do you think of these guys?’ and he is all ‘Boss, come on. You know who we are going to hire. You know who is divined for us to hire. Look into my eyes and tell me, who are we going to hire?’ So I look into his eyes, and lo and behold, I saw the eyes of the Almighty, and I knew in my heart that we were going to hire the Chosen One…the one we have sought for so long, as divined by Him and his blessed prophet Jack Easterby. Of course it was Caserio.”
One of the Candidates for the GM Position: “They hired Caserio? Thank God!!!! I mean, you never want to not get a GM position with an NFL team. There are only 32 of those. Still, it was like a [kittening] mad house over there. All the rumors about all the strange [kitten] they got going on at that place. Heard a story from a friend of a friend about what they did to Amy…I mean, I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to work with Deshaun, but not going to lie…was really hoping they wouldn’t make me an offer. That place gave me the creeps. Besides, have you seen their cap and draft situation? That is something we in the industry call ‘set up to fail.’ Not me.”
Former Overlord Bill Belichick: “[Kitten] it! I don’t need him anymore. Got a Brooks Brothers ad to shoot. Starting my new fashion line.”
Franchise Quarterback Deshaun Watson: “The more things change…” [Sends cryptic tweet. Entire remaining Texans fanbase goes into a meltdown on social media and threatens to storm NRG offices. McNair calls HPD for assistance; they laugh. Eventually, nothing happens, as Texans fans generally are sane and will adhere to known laws and norms…either that, or they are just too numb to care about the Fightin’ Easterbys, er, the Texans]
With this hire, the Texans look to move forward. There is now the matter of hiring a head coach and new staff. Historically, many a general manager, if they come into a new situation without a coach in place, will look to hire someone they have familiarity or comfort with, individuals that may share common experiences/backgrounds. So, clearly, the Texans probably won’t look to anyone who Caserio worked with in his previous job, all within one particular organization. Nope, absolutely do not expect him to whatsoever favor anyone from a previous team, the only one he ever worked for in his professional career.
Come what may, at least the Texans have completed one of the big to-do items on the list. Now the next game begins…the one where they figure out who the next coach will be. We at Totally Not Fake News will be there to report on any new developments as they happen. Until then, here is a photo of new Texans GM Nick Caserio:
Whoops, apologies. Apparently, Nick Caserio is an actual human and not over 70 millions years old. Nor was he grown in an ethically-questionable genetic lab.
Here is the Texans’ new GM:
Leaked footage of Jack Easterby taking over the Texans pic.twitter.com/Vn8JOuFMIp— Michael Schwab (@michaelschwab13) January 8, 2021
Never mind. We’re on to the next head coach.