Hair of the Dog - Week Five (Patriots/Texans)

Being a fan is difficult sometimes. Not in any physical sense of the word, unless you’re a Bills fan who dives from great heights through a table simply because you can, it’s almost entirely psychological. You spend a lot of time in pain watching something you care about and support not do well and feel absolutely powerless in being able to prevent it from happening.

Perfect example: Right now I am watching the Astros get completely screwed by the umpires in the ALDS and my soul breaks that I can’t kidnap Tom Hallion, drop him into a pit of lye and watch him dissolve and send his remains in a bucket to MLB headquarters as a polite, but firm, gesture that they should improve their ability to call baseball games.

It just doesn’t seem right to watch something slide so completely out of control and have no way to avert it. Much like Sunday’s game against the Patriots. You could see the gradual slide into defeat the team made in the second half from some bafflingly bad play calls, some confused penalty acceptance, and just flat out subpar athletic performance from the home eleven.

It hurts. Or it used to. The pain has built up my defenses that I feel nothing now when things like that happen to the Texans. It simply washes over me and I remain, wet, depressed and smelling vaguely of sea water.

It’s hard being a fan. Being a Texans fan, doubly so.

Now let’s get to this week’s HOTD.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten]. We do it because we care. About what, I have no idea.

Also, I hope the umps for the Astros ALDS series get eaten by scorpion horse locusts.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

bigfatdrunk — 11:24 AM

Super excited to watch Danny Amendola veteran-presence his way to a Texans victory.

Joe Critz — 11:24 AM

Are you guys ready to see Davis Mills figure things out against the Patriots defense?

Carlos Flores — 11:24 AM

LMAO

I’ll ask it again this week: Will we keep this team from putting up 35 against us?

l4blitzer — 11:32 AM

What’s this? People doubting the way of the McEasterby and Patriots South?

UprootedTexan — 11:33 AM

As for me and my house, we shall embrace the wombat butt lifestyle and culture being inculcated within the Texans.

bigfatdrunk — 11:34 AM

The wombat butt was awesome. Such a great analogy for this team. It’s completely incapable of feeling anything.

l4blitzer — 11:34 AM

As for keeping the Patriots Original from putting up 35+, there is a decent chance, as the Brady-less Pats aren’t quite scoring near that clip.

bigfatdrunk — 11:35 AM

I picked up and played Jonnu Smith for this game. He’s going to feast.

Carlos Flores — 11:41 AM

Or Hunter Henry! You never know with Belichick.

bigfatdrunk — 11:41 AM

True. Both of those guys have the potential to kill us.

Carlos Flores — 11:58 AM

Jakobi Meyers puts up 20+ fantasy points. Calling it now.

FIRST QUARTER

(Texans First Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:03 PM

Gird your loins, y’all.

Joe Critz — 12:04 PM

Here we go!

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

Run up the middle for a lot. Will wonders never cease.

Joe Critz — 12:04 PM

:(

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

Three straight runs. LOL

Carlos Flores — 12:05 PM

Stuffed, 4th down

Wow, nice spot

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

Actually, it looks like they gave it to them.

bigfatdrunk — 12:06 PM

Three CHUMs to start the game. All the confidence in Mills.

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

Four.

Texans running up the middle. A tradition like any other.

Carlos Flores — 12:07 PM

Brown knew he was going to get lit up

UprootedTexan — 12:07 PM

Glory to all Pass Interference Offense!

Carlos Flores — 12:08 PM

Brady brain Davis Mills

Matt Weston — 12:08 PM

PRAISE BE THE ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE

They are so bad at running outside zone. It’s nauseating.

Carlos Flores — 12:10 PM

Only CHADs can run outsize zone

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

Jordan Akins did a thing.

Carlos Flores — 12:11 PM

Mills’ neck alone got him that first

l4blitzer — 12:11 PM

Mills using his length to our advantage for once

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

Davis Mills QB sneak.

Matt Weston — 12:12 PM

He needed all of his neck to get across that one

Just blitz Davis Mills. Playing the Texans is pretty easy.

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

It’s kind of a shame he can’t bite down on the ball, then he could just stretch his neck to the end zone for the touchdown.

bigfatdrunk — 12:12 PM

Go for it.

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

Oh lord, they’re going for it.

Carlos Flores — 12:13 PM

Statement play coming up

bigfatdrunk — 12:13 PM

Not prepared. Shocking.

l4blitzer — 12:14 PM

Who said the spirit of BO’B is gone from the team?

Matt Weston — 12:14 PM

I still can’t believe David Culley is the head coach of this team.

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM

WE HAD THE EXORCISM AND EVERYTHING [KITTEN]IT!

I’ll be [kitten]ed, it worked.

l4blitzer — 12:14 PM

GLORY TO ALL 4TH DOWN CONVERSION OFFENSE!!!

Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM

“David Johnson” and “good skill sets” doesn’t go together.

l4blitzer — 12:15 PM

So, after a big conversion, you give ‘em the ol’ #1 CHUM

Matt Weston — 12:16 PM

That was a cute screen design.

l4blitzer — 12:17 PM

Wow, the New England commentators lamenting the missed face-mask

Carlos Flores — 12:18 PM

TD!

l4blitzer — 12:18 PM

Uh, did, did our offense score…a TD…on an Opening Drive???

Carlos Flores — 12:18 PM

Could they have taken up any more time off the clock lmao

l4blitzer — 12:18 PM

You can do that??? I didn’t think that was allowed

Ah Fairbairn…making us long for Slye already…

(Mills to Auclair for the Touchdown! You read that correctly. Texans lead 6-0 after missed PAT)

bigfatdrunk — 12:20 PM

Brutally inefficient, ineffective, and unrepeatable.

UprootedTexan — 12:20 PM

Let’s be honest, Slye probably would’ve missed that too.

Matt Weston — 12:20 PM

How do you get caught chasing Auclair lol

l4blitzer — 12:21 PM

To be fair, it’s been awhile since we scored a TD, so we are out of practice

(Patriots First Possession)

Matt Weston — 12:24 PM

Desmond King is so bad in man coverage

Carlos Flores — 12:24 PM

They might as well be, crowd seems light

UprootedTexan — 12:24 PM

I can’t imagine why.

l4blitzer — 12:25 PM

I see our defense is reverting to its 4th quarter form from last week

Carlos Flores — 12:26 PM

Mac Jones convinced the entire defense he was going to pass there

l4blitzer — 12:26 PM

“Former Patriot player”…that is about half the Texans roster at this point

UprootedTexan — 12:26 PM

Look, CBS, if I’m going to be subjected to watching the Patriots harden our wombat butts, the least you can do is show me more of Steve Belichick’s glorious mullet. YOU OWE ME THIS!!!

l4blitzer — 12:27 PM

Give them time. Give them time

UprootedTexan — 12:27 PM

But I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

SECOND QUARTER

Matt Weston — 12:27 PM

I love how fast this game is going to be

l4blitzer — 12:28 PM

Need more game clocks to move this quickly for the Texans please.

bigfatdrunk — 12:28 PM

Faster the game, the less wasted time on this trash.

UprootedTexan — 12:29 PM

AFC SOUTH CHAMPIONS BRIAN!!!

(Patriots touchdown. game tied 6-6)

Carlos Flores — 12:31 PM

Getting cute with it

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

Why not? We are talking about this iteration of the Texans.

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

The Texans defense reminds me of Don Flamenco from Punch Out. I don’t know why.

Matt Weston — 12:32 PM

ESTABLISH THE [KITTEN] AND [KITTEN]

Carlos Flores — 12:32 PM

Matt Weston — 12:32 PM

[Durga] bless ‘big safety’ Lonnie Johnson Jr tossing Harris into the endzone

l4blitzer — 12:32 PM

The commentators for the Pats practically swearing on the air after the PAT mis.

Matt Weston — 12:32 PM

Anthony Miller isn’t even good! but yeah, keeping Amendola over him is ridiculous

l4blitzer — 12:33 PM

If the kickers are gonna suck this bad, at least force the teams to go for two for the rest of the game.

UprootedTexan — 12:33 PM

Amendola beat him in the number of novenas he could say in under 60 seconds.

(Texans Second Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:35 PM

Commentators still can’t get over the kickers derping this game…sounds like our kinda analysts

Matt Weston — 12:36 PM

lmao I’m so tired of that stupid little quick boot to the out, they’ve run it like 9 times already this year

l4blitzer — 12:36 PM

Why are we giving carries to Lindsay again?

UprootedTexan — 12:36 PM

WHAT THE LITERALL [KITTEN] JUST HAPPENED?!

Carlos Flores — 12:37 PM

WOAH

What a catch and throw!

Matt Weston — 12:37 PM

hahahahahahaha

l4blitzer — 12:37 PM

Uh, another TD??? Are we, are we watching the team in the zone???

Matt Weston — 12:37 PM

praise be

bigfatdrunk — 12:37 PM

LOLOLOLOL. Lucky AF.

Matt Weston — 12:37 PM

that was an actually great throw by Mills

(Mills to Moore Touchdown. Texans lead 12-6 after ANOTHER missed PAT)

Carlos Flores — 12:38 PM

JESUS [KITTEN] WTF IS GOING ON

KAIMI GOT THE YIPS

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

Carlos, what kind of money is Ka’imi Fairbairn making again?

l4blitzer — 12:38 PM

“This can’t be any more embarrassing!!!!” I love these NE commentators…and Fairbairn continues to suck.

Message to Culley, just go for 2 for the rest of the game, please and thank you.

bigfatdrunk — 12:39 PM

He misses that throw 9 out of 10 times.

UprootedTexan — 12:40 PM

He rolled a natural 20 on that throw.

Carlos Flores — 12:40 PM

[kitten]ing top 12 kicker my [kitten]

Dude was a treadmill average kicker and I think he just tripped and got his face stuck in the motor.

(Patriots Second Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:41 PM

That’s a lot of empty seats in the stands. I wonder if Spencer Tillman thinks that’s good EBITDA.

Carlos Flores — 12:42 PM

bigfatdrunk — 12:42 PM

Lol!

Carlos Flores — 12:42 PM

TOP 3 KICKER MONEY FOR NEVER MORE THAN TOP 12 PERFORMANCES

UprootedTexan — 12:43 PM

I’d like to say [kitten] Spencer Tillman for making me look that term up.

Jacob Martin sighting!

bigfatdrunk — 12:44 PM

Such conservative play calling.

l4blitzer — 12:44 PM

And such wonderful 3rd down defense as well

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

Nobody covering in the middle. Of course.

And unnecessary roughness too. Fine, shoot your prisoner.

Carlos Flores — 12:45 PM

There’s Jonnu!

l4blitzer — 12:45 PM

Wow!!! This commentator is made about the flag, and it benefitted New England

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

You listening to the NE feed or the CBS feed? Or am I repeating myself?

l4blitzer — 12:46 PM

Catching a NE radio broadcast

bigfatdrunk — 12:46 PM

It seems the Patriots are tapping into this channel.

Carlos Flores — 12:47 PM

I think he broke the plane before he fumbled

Matt Weston — 12:47 PM

Jonnu Smith has been Adalius Thomas this year

unbelievable, that’s a fumble

bigfatdrunk — 12:47 PM

I don’t think that gets overturned.

UprootedTexan — 12:47 PM

I’m not sure there’s enough to overturn it. Probably be a call stands.

Matt Weston — 12:49 PM

It should! It looks pretty clear the ball is jumbling around before it crosses.

Carlos Flores — 12:49 PM

Are we making a reverse heel turn and becoming homers?

bigfatdrunk — 12:50 PM

Wow.

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

I’ll be [kitten]ed. Again.

Matt Weston — 12:50 PM

YEP

Carlos Flores — 12:50 PM

OH [KITTEN]

Matt Weston — 12:50 PM

someone send me $5 for being right

(Patriots Fumble. Texans Recover in the End Zone!)

(Texans Third Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:50 PM

Holy jeez…What in the Wide, Wide World of Sports is going on here???

It seems like Mills is actually Quarterbacking good here…

UprootedTexan — 12:53 PM

I didn’t want to say anything L4blitzer, but...maybe?

Carlos Flores — 12:53 PM

Shoot, Tunsil coming out

UprootedTexan — 12:54 PM

That’s coming back.

l4blitzer — 12:54 PM

Eh, it can always change, but they’ve already quadrupled my projected point total for this game, so I have to acknowledge the good with the bad

…and there it is

UprootedTexan — 12:54 PM

Of course, the silly Davis Mills run gets called back. But it will live in my heart forever.

Go for it you pansies!

l4blitzer — 12:55 PM

Are we actually executing a decent screen game?

bigfatdrunk — 12:56 PM

I thought Johnson was going to outrun his blocking, but that was a great cut back.

UprootedTexan — 12:56 PM

For [Durga]’s sake, don’t kick it. The way Fairbairn’s been, it’ll probably wind up in Arkansas or something.

bigfatdrunk — 12:58 PM

I love the Animal commercial and will not entertain differing thoughts on the subject.

UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

It still doesn’t hold a candle to the Tag Team commercial.

Oh my [Durga] they went for it and got it.

Joe Critz — 12:59 PM

LETS GOOOOO

UprootedTexan — 1:00 PM

MULLET!!!

l4blitzer — 1:00 PM

“Bill [Belichick] should take this defense to the woodshed.”…that might be fun to watch

bigfatdrunk — 1:01 PM

Pats, they might screen again.

UprootedTexan — 1:02 PM

GO FOR IT YOU PANSIES!

bigfatdrunk — 1:02 PM

Go! WTK not?

UprootedTexan — 1:02 PM

Oh lord they’re going for it.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL, fire Fairbairn we won’t be needing him anymore.

bigfatdrunk — 1:03 PM

Wow, the Pats couldn’t cover me today.

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer — 1:04 PM

You just know Culley is thinking “Are you not entertained?!?!? Want me to go for it on 4th down? Guess what mother[Easterbys], I’m going for it on 4th downs!!!!”

Matt Weston — 1:05 PM

My brain is fried from the wedding I went to last night. I have no idea if this is actually happening, or if it’s all the most banal hallucination anyone has ever experienced.

UprootedTexan — 1:05 PM

I want Giancarlo Esposito for Texans head coach. He’d just scare the [kitten] out of them for 60 minutes and they’d never lose a game.

If you’re hallucinating then it’s spreading.

l4blitzer — 1:06 PM

I’ll take a few more hits of that please

UprootedTexan — 1:06 PM

Wow, a hold against NE. Guess the superpower status is starting to wear off.

bigfatdrunk — 1:06 PM

Super obvs hold.

l4blitzer — 1:07 PM

Kraft can’t be happy with his “Idiot Savant” right now

UprootedTexan — 1:07 PM

And we’re giving those yards right back.

Carlos Flores — 1:08 PM

False start. Come on y’all

l4blitzer — 1:08 PM

New England commentators going off on the formation…quite entertaining.

bigfatdrunk — 1:09 PM

I believe it.

l4blitzer — 1:09 PM

In lieu of the attempted FG we are probably looking at, do we have anyone on the roster that can execute a textbook drop-kick?

bigfatdrunk — 1:09 PM

Lechler?

UprootedTexan — 1:09 PM

Jon MF Weeks y’all.

It’s his time to shine.

And Davis Mills is turning back into a pumpkin.

Carlos Flores — 1:10 PM

So much promise and we give up two sacks.

UprootedTexan — 1:11 PM

To the same [kitten]ing defender.

bigfatdrunk — 1:11 PM

The entire key for the offense had been keeping Mills clean. Fell apart.

l4blitzer — 1:11 PM

“What stupidity by the Texans???” The NE commentators speak truth here

(FG attempt is good. Texans lead 15-6)

l4blitzer — 1:12 PM

Easterby with a sigh of relief, breaking up the 6-6-6 scoring trend seen to this point.

UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM

Yeah, can’t make his presence TOO obvious.

Triceratops skeleton rejoin. That’s different.

“Here we see Robert Kraft, and the Asian sex worker he hired is not in view of our camera if you get our drift.”

(Patriots Third Possession)

l4blitzer — 1:15 PM

Only 3 possessions for each team this half…didn’t see that coming…

UprootedTexan — 1:16 PM

[kitten] he almost picked that off.

bigfatdrunk — 1:18 PM

What a freaking drop.

UprootedTexan — 1:18 PM

Someone’s been [kitten]ing with the Madden toggles for this game haven’t there? Are sure this isn’t an episode of “Breaking Madden?”

l4blitzer — 1:18 PM

2021 Texans, bailing out other teams’ derps.

UprootedTexan — 1:20 PM

Oh Nick Folk is the Pats kicker. That explains a lot.

Football is such a dumb game sometimes.

(Pats FG is good. Texans lead 15-9)

l4blitzer — 1:21 PM

Kickers can only make FGs in this game…ok then

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

For all of two seconds.

HALFTIME REACTIONS

UprootedTexan — 1:24 PM

I’ll start. Da [kitten] is going on out there?

I’m not drunk enough to watch Texans football without pain, but I’m not sober enough to understand what is going on in this game.

l4blitzer — 1:30 PM

Would be great to see the game continue to move a rapid speed. The Texans have quintupled my projected point total for them. That alone is success. Don’t know if the Texans can maintain that, and NE is nowhere near Buffalo’s level, but last week did not complete suck the life out of this team.

Matt Weston — 1:30 PM

New England’s safeties missing tackles, Mills creating on his own, and a terrible Damien Harris fumbled punched out by Terrance Mitc[kitten], and something we thought was going to be boring and terrible, has ended up being an enjoyable Sundaty afternoon.

Joe Critz — 1:32 PM

Texans continue to surprise me. Thought this entire team was just gonna suck till Tyrod got back, but Davis Mills and the defense refuse to just suck.

bigfatdrunk — 1:32 PM

What a weird, ugly-kittened game. Pats secondary can neither cover nor tackle, Mills was clean and accurate most of the first half, and then the turnover into the end zone. The Texans might not score a point the rest of the game, but 15 points in a half with those drives and plays seems completely unsustainable.

Joe Critz — 1:33 PM

Rookie Davis Mills should become this year’s Justin Herbert

UprootedTexan — 1:33 PM

I’m getting another Long Island iced tea. The second half should be nothing but pain after Belichick Shang Tsung’s some poor special teams player to put the fear of him in the team’s collective hearts.

THIRD QUARTER

(Patriots Fourth Possession)

Joe Critz — 1:38 PM

Lets go texansssss

UprootedTexan — 1:40 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, PICK!

bigfatdrunk — 1:40 PM

What a crazy game. If last week was everything going wrong, it’s everything is going right this week.

(Lonnie Johnson Jr. with the interception. Texans Ball!)

(Texans Fifth Possession)

l4blitzer — 1:40 PM

New DPOY candidate Lonnie Johnson Jr, ladies and gentlemen.

A quality CHUM…things are going well

UprootedTexan — 1:42 PM

TRICKERY!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 1:42 PM

A RUSE!

l4blitzer — 1:43 PM

Appears that Idiot Savant’s locker room speech went over REAL well…

Matt Weston — 1:43 PM

EXTREME TRICKERATION

l4blitzer — 1:43 PM

…and Fairbairn made an extra point?!?!?!?

(Ingram toss back to Mills who passes to Conley for the Texans Touchdown! Texans lead 22-9)

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

We all saw that, right? That’s not just me having some kind of alcohol delusion, right?

l4blitzer — 1:44 PM

I’m stone cold sober and yep, this is actually happening…

(Patriots Fifth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:45 PM

I’m so confused.

bigfatdrunk — 1:48 PM

Jones never saw Mitchell.

And a punt return without a penalty??? I’ve seen everything now.

UprootedTexan — 1:49 PM

Oh my [Durga] a three and out.

I hope like [kitten] me drinking LIITs aren’t good luck, my liver and my wife won’t stand for it.

(Texans Sixth Possession)

Carlos Flores — 1:50 PM

Took a nap at halftime, feels like I’m still dreaming!

Matt Weston — 1:51 PM

That was the same throw Lawrence made when he was picked off by Hargreaves.

l4blitzer — 1:52 PM

Need to hurry up guys…the TEN/JAX game is moving faster than this game.

UprootedTexan — 1:52 PM

This game is kinda screaming along, though, the NO/WFT game is like 10 minutes behind ours.

Poop.

Matt Weston — 1:53 PM

sad! Tytus Howard pull

(Patriots Sixth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:53 PM

Texans get cute. Texans do stupid things.

UprootedTexan — 1:54 PM

Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

LOL it hit the back of the helmet.

Matt Weston — 1:54 PM

holy [kitten]

l4blitzer — 1:54 PM

“Can you be more stupid, Texans???” NE commentating continues to speak truth

Matt Weston — 1:54 PM

that was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

UprootedTexan — 1:55 PM

Abolish kicking.

Matt Weston — 1:55 PM

I’m [kitten]ing dying

bigfatdrunk — 1:55 PM

This Pats offensive playcalling is so kittening bad.

Carlos Flores — 1:55 PM

That was unbelievably stupid, I should have stayed asleep

l4blitzer — 1:55 PM

“We got the X,Y,Z crew…” these guys are killing it!!!

UprootedTexan — 1:55 PM

Can we just go to a loop of watching our punter braining our own guy in the head? I’d laugh my [kitten] off.

l4blitzer — 1:56 PM

We have achieved maximum dumbness for this game…

(Pats FG is good. Texans lead 22-12)

Joe Critz — 1:56 PM

This game is beautiful

What an artwork of a football game

l4blitzer — 1:57 PM

Wow…the fans are sober and this game is drunk…I don’t know what to think.

UprootedTexan — 1:57 PM

This game has become comfortably dumb.

Hello...ello...llo....is there anybody out there?

(Texans Seventh Possession)

Joe Critz — 2:00 PM

Davis mills Herbert era?

bigfatdrunk — 2:00 PM

What’s funny is that, the Texans have done almost everything perfectly today, and it’s still only a 10 point difference.

l4blitzer — 2:01 PM

Bad, bad Pharaoh Brown…

UprootedTexan — 2:01 PM

Of course it was holding.

l4blitzer — 2:01 PM

Let’s just go with the theory that any good run for this team is the result of holding. Almost a law

Carlos Flores — 2:01 PM

That was a really nice run by Ingram but Scharping blew it

UprootedTexan — 2:03 PM

Thaaaaat’s the kind of stuff I was expecting from Mills today.

Aaaaaand we’re back to our usual selves.

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!!!

OR NOT! NOT IS GOOD TOO

bigfatdrunk — 2:06 PM

I look forward to my Twitter feed this week again being all about Mills and his performance this week. Sigh.

UprootedTexan — 2:06 PM

He’s the most cost-efficient rookie quarterback in the league Brian!

(Patriots Seventh Possession)

l4blitzer — 2:08 PM

And our defense is playing down to its reputation.

UprootedTexan — 2:09 PM

I wanna watch Mario Kart races.

Matt Weston — 2:09 PM

It’s so funny it took Josh McDaniel this long to figure out how to use play action to pull the linebackers down and attack Houston’s defense.

bigfatdrunk — 2:09 PM

Middle of the field is wide open, and the Pats keep being stupid.

Matt Weston — 2:10 PM

lol imagine trying to run screens against a zone defense

l4blitzer — 2:11 PM

NE commentators ripping the play call on 3rd down

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

I think the Pats are running our patented All Field Goal offense against us.

bigfatdrunk — 2:11 PM

It’s a one score game, and the Texans couldn’t possibly be playing any better. The Pats fumbled on the goal line, and there was the drop that should have been an easy TD.

What a weird, weird game.

(Patriots field goal is good. Texans lead 22-15)

l4blitzer — 2:11 PM

Another copyright infringement.

UprootedTexan — 2:12 PM

Football is life. But football is also dumb.

I want to throw up when I see Baker Mayfield pour cheese sauce into those kids’ trick or treat bags.

(Texans Eighth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:14 PM

I love that one, too. /puts foot down

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

He’s a really good actor for an athlete.

CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM

Matt Weston — 2:15 PM

Maybe he should learn how to run a spread passing attack instead of shooting commercials to improve his Q score. He doesn’t get it.

l4blitzer — 2:15 PM

Ah, good, our first reference to 24-0 at KC from the commentators

bigfatdrunk — 2:16 PM

Do you want him off your lawn, too, Big Matt?

FOURTH QUARTER

Carlos Flores — 2:17 PM

Chris Moore might be our WR2

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

He’s a bad influence on the big giant baby.

bigfatdrunk — 2:19 PM

@Carlos: Probably why not?

UprootedTexan — 2:20 PM

Mark Ingram is the best quarterback on our team.

Matt Weston — 2:20 PM

What’s Houston’s version of the wildcat called? The banal bull?

UprootedTexan — 2:21 PM

Dullcow

GO FOR IT YOU PANSIES!

Carlos Flores — 2:21 PM

Goodness Cooks got laid out there

bigfatdrunk — 2:21 PM

I’m sure this will go well.

(FG attempt is no good. Texans lead 22-15)

[Ed. Note: I typed this before the kick even happened. Call it a hunch.]

Carlos Flores — 2:22 PM

Swear if they burn another time out for this 4th down

bigfatdrunk — 2:22 PM

Such poor decision making.

l4blitzer — 2:22 PM

NE calling for HOU to go for it…maybe they know something.

bigfatdrunk — 2:22 PM

Well, maybe not poor, but wasteful.

UprootedTexan — 2:22 PM

Tunsil’s back in.

Carlos Flores — 2:23 PM

Good lord, throwing away a [kitten] time out.

Matt Weston — 2:23 PM

Tunsil’s nosering has made him soft.

UprootedTexan — 2:23 PM

I’m with Diehard Chris now, abolish all kickers!

Carlos Flores — 2:23 PM

Ka’imi needs to go

(Patriots Eighth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:23 PM

I don’t know what they were expecting. I don’t.

Matt Weston — 2:23 PM

lmao sure waste a timeout, kick a 56 yard field goal the virgin Fairbairn can’t make, and give NE easy field position so they can kick another field goal.

l4blitzer — 2:24 PM

What’s the cap hit if we purge Fairbarin?

Carlos Flores — 2:24 PM

Aneurism

A kicker is giving me an aneurism

l4blitzer — 2:26 PM

Anyone else think we might rue those 5 points Fairbairn is costing us?

UprootedTexan — 2:26 PM

Easily.

Oh boy, us v. Colts. That’s gonna be a rockfight.

bigfatdrunk — 2:27 PM

I don’t know how you “blame” Fairbairn for that. He should have never been allowed to kick it.

UprootedTexan — 2:28 PM

And now they’re Establishing The Run against us.

bigfatdrunk — 2:29 PM

Gunning for another FG. This is pathetic by the Pats’ O.

(Patriots TD. Game tied 22-22)

UprootedTexan — 2:29 PM

This will end in tears. And we’ve only seen Steve Belichick’s mullet once. This sucks.

Carlos Flores — 2:30 PM

There’s Henry. Both TE’s have touchdowns now, right?

bigfatdrunk — 2:32 PM

One of ours and theirs, if that’s what you mean? Yes.

Carlos Flores — 2:32 PM

I was meaning Jonnu and Henry

bigfatdrunk — 2:33 PM

The Texans could not be playing better with the talent on this roster. Fluky catch and run by Moore, flea flicker, dropped TD pass by Meyers, fumble by Harris at the goal line.

And it’s tied.

No, Harris with the rushing TD.

(Texans Ninth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:34 PM

CHUM?

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

The ramblin’ wrecks of the Houston Tex-ans.

I’m workshopping it.

bigfatdrunk — 2:34 PM

CHUM.

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

CHUM.

I’m too sober for this.

bigfatdrunk — 2:35 PM

That was a serious OLE! by Justin Britt.

Screen.

Carlos Flores — 2:35 PM

Mills squatted and took that one.

UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

I know we’re on our own 33 but...should we risk Fairbairn coming out again?

I’m thinking no?

(Patriots Ninth Possession)

Carlos Flores — 2:37 PM

No chance, cant trust him from 20-50+

UprootedTexan — 2:37 PM

No I mean to punt. I was wondering if we should’ve just gone for it there and [kitten] the consequences.

bigfatdrunk — 2:41 PM

Toni Fritsch would be an upgrade.

Matt Weston — 2:42 PM

I’m still laughing at that punt.

bigfatdrunk — 2:42 PM

I pulled Marquez Calloway for Smith LOL@me.

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

Reid almost pulled the pick on that one.

Gonna be a first down anyway for the Pats.

l4blitzer — 2:43 PM

Whoa, our D did a thing

UprootedTexan — 2:44 PM

Shouldn’t the passer be, I don’t know, down if it’s roughing?

Matt Weston — 2:44 PM

Greenard is the only good EDGE on this team and they don’t even play him

bigfatdrunk — 2:45 PM

This play calling is so [kitten] bad.

UprootedTexan — 2:45 PM

We’ve lost.

l4blitzer — 2:45 PM

“Oh, you dumb[Easterbys]!!!!” Man, the NE guys are calling this with pure truth

bigfatdrunk — 2:46 PM

That was a darn good play by Johnson. I thought for sure that ball was coming out.

I want to know the split of Texans/Patriots fans.

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

This is how this game had to end.

With a lot of stupid bull[kitten] and dumb[kitten] plays.

Matt Weston — 2:48 PM

Houston had all the luck this game and they [kitten]ed it away.

bigfatdrunk — 2:48 PM

Tim says it’s about 65% Pats fans at the game LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Carlos Flores — 2:48 PM

This run defense has turned into a melting butter sculpture of Frank Bush.

bigfatdrunk — 2:50 PM

Ouch. I’m old enough to remember when Lovie had saved the defense after the first game.

l4blitzer — 2:50 PM

Do we just let them score and take our chances to try to go to overtime?

Definitely can’t rely on this D to make a play at this point.

bigfatdrunk — 2:51 PM

That’s a thought.

Only one timeout, too. They can almost kneel it out until the FG.

UprootedTexan — 2:51 PM

Joe Critz — 2:53 PM

I’m sad :(

The Texans and Davis mills deserve this win

Matt Weston — 2:54 PM

this is what you get for comparing Mills to Herbert

Joe Critz — 2:54 PM

He really is like rookie Justin Herbert, now

Matt Weston — 2:54 PM

This loss is on YOU

Joe Critz — 2:54 PM

HAHAHAH

I’ll take this L for the team

l4blitzer — 2:54 PM

The dumbness is all-encompassing in this game

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

You know what would be nice right now? A time out.

(FG is good. Patriots lead 25-22)

(Texans Tenth Possession)

It was nice to dream. Stupid. But nice.

Matt Weston — 2:58 PM

dumb[kitten]ery in all its forms

what a stupid, beautiful game

Carlos Flores — 2:59 PM

What kind of dumb Hail Mary garbage will they attempt now?

UprootedTexan — 2:59 PM

I’m stunned that’s not an illegal forward pass.

Carlos Flores — 3:00 PM

Mills was too close to the line of scrimmage

UprootedTexan — 3:01 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Carlos Flores — 3:01 PM

Jeez, that is incredibly dumb.

This team deserves everything it gets.

FINAL SCORE PATRIOTS 25 - TEXANS 22

POSTGAME REACTIONS

Carlos Flores — 3:02 PM

Belichick is such a tease.

UprootedTexan — 3:03 PM

That was the perfect way for that dumb[kitten] game to end.

l4blitzer — 3:06 PM

The Texans are who we thought they were…

Joe Critz — 3:06 PM

What a bummer. Texans showed some real improvement from last week, hopefully this isn’t the end of Davis Mills improving

UprootedTexan — 3:07 PM

This is all I wanted from the Texans this year. If they were going to be bad, and they were, then they could at least be funny doing so. That was a comical way to lose.

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

They wanted to make the Longhorns look like winners. Good on them.

Well, that’s the game. If you have any additional thoughts or rage to vent, the comments are below.

I’m off to Chicago and buy a crap load of lye. For personal business. Stop asking questions.