Brothers and sisters, do you believe in miracles?! I said do you believe!
Of course you believe, you’re a Houston Texans fan, every play of every game is a miracle born of struggle and the implacable virtue of our phenomenal football team.
Today though, friends, I ask this for a very specific purpose. Because we all witnessed a very special moment on Sunday. For we were all witness to the glory and the power of Toro as worked through the hands of our intrepid quarterback Davis Mills.
Not only did Mills stay upright through most of the game, but he also set a record as the first rookie to record 300 yards, three touchdowns and a 140 passer rating against the Patriots. It was a true wonder to behold! Now you might be askin’ “But reverend, did the Texans win that game?”
Here’s what I would answer in that hypo-thetical situation: Scores are such a small part of the overall equation going into a football game? There are far more important things to football than simply scores during a game. There’s the manner in which they played.
Did they comport themselves in a manner befitting that which we expect of the one true team? They most certainly did!
Did they generate the kind of yardage we would expect from the Houston Texans? That and more!
Did they get the most points? Now you’re just thinking too much.
Points are for pedants. And you, my friends, are better than some lowly pedant.
By playing the way the Texans have, we have experienced for ourselves that we have a culture of strength and are given strength by our culture.
Speaking of strength, we must all lend our strength at this time to Laremy Tunsil, who is about to undergo a massive tribulation of his own. If you’ve not heard, Tunsil has torn his thumb ligament which was done to him in a most beastly and cowardly way by some anonymous Patriot. He is sacrificing his body so that you, and you, and also you, but maybe not you, will see him defend Davis Mills as he progresses on his journey to becoming the next great Texans quarterback.
And you can help Tunsil in his ordeal. Keep his thumb in your hearts and sing joyous words that Toro may hear you and send his divine blessing to heal Tunsil’s tendon, ligament, whatever science word they want to use for “finger bit” before Sunday’s game against Indianapolis.
Since we’re on the topic of Indianapolis and contributing to our glorious mission, through what we can only assume is dark magic from the fallen Bud and his minions, TY Hilton has suddenly burst back from injury and will play against our Texans. You are in a new and unique position to force Hilton out of the game using the very thoughts and prayers you put toward the Texans week in and week out, or should be putting toward them week in and week out.
Now some of you might be wondering how you can help the righteous cause of the Texans against the Colts. Here’s how:
You take those concentrated concern rays that radiate from your hearts and your heads and send them toward T.Y. Hilton. There is extremely scientific data available to suggest that such concern rays have significant impacts on football performance. If you’re still not certain that you can move the mountain that is Texans football, then I have an answer for you: You Can!
If you’re uncertain about how, then follow this handy instruction manual below.
It’s simple, really, all you need to do is close your eyes and open your battle red hearts and say something like the following.
Dear Toro, we call upon you to find the receiver TY Hilton and have him get on the wrong bus and wind up somewhere in Sacramento instead of the game on Sunday.
O mighty Toro, through whom all things are possible, please let TY Hilton take an inadvertent out route and wind up running into the side of the stadium like George of the Jungle hitting a tree. But don’t hurt him or nothing.
Blessed Toro, whose strength inspires great things for all Texans, we beseech you to have something unpleasant happen to TY Hilton, such as having an onion land on his head. (This one’s a bit more on the esoteric side, but the psychological effects of having an unsuspecting onion hit him in the head might be enough to throw him off his game, making him think ‘how did that onion get there?’ ‘why did it land on MY head?’ and ‘are we farming sky onions now and if so why haven’t I seen them?’)
Toro, our beloved mascot and friend, please send your divine inspiration and tackle him on the field when he looks like he’s about to score a touchdown. Take it for the team. Take it for your fellow Texans. It is the moral and correct thing to do.
The options are truly limitless, like the power of our beloved McNair the Father.
Now let us bow our heads for today’s prayer. Open your playbooks to the Book of Andre, Chapter 2, Verse 80.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall beat the F out of obnoxious cornerbacks with stupid haircuts.
Blessed are the soft of hands, for they shall receive their reward in the end zone.
Blessed are the pacesetters for they shall be among the greats.
Let us go into Sunday with joyful hearts and a clear conscience, in the name of McNair the Father, McNair the Son, and the Holy Toro, we say Go Texans!