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Hair of the Dog - Texans/Colts I Edition

The BRB gang get together to talk about the waking nightmare that was Sunday’s game against the Colts. We have thoughts. Some of them are positive.

The game’s REAL MVP.

Good morning.

By the time you read this I should maybe, possibly be getting ready for work with the first hangover of my entire life. I’ve heard terrible things about hangovers, how you wish you were dead while you’re having one, how every move, sound, and bright light is excruciating beyond all proportion, I’m not looking forward to it, and yet I suspect it will still feel vaguely better than whatever we watched on Sunday against the Colts.

So let’s reflect on the fact that the Texans scored three (3!) points on Sunday. Their quarterback play was erratic, the playcalling was at times suspect, and the defense was complete butt.

The worst part wasn’t how badly they played, I’m used to that by now. It was how BORING the game was. I said at the beginning of the season that I wasn’t looking for the Texans to win games, I was looking for pure entertainment value. Dumb interceptions, insane fumbles, the occasional amazing WTH play, just sheer, insane comedy.

They failed to even deliver on that. The turnovers were drab and uninteresting, every run play was uninspired, and just flat out sloppy. If I were a paying customer to watch the Texans put this on the field, I’d have been mad. That they weren’t even interesting in defeat would’ve made me furious.

But I guess that’s Texans football for the next couple of years: methodical mediocrity.

I’m sad now. So let’s get to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make it safe to read at work. Although why you’d want to relive this game is beyond me.



Carlos Flores — 11:50 AM

So, is TY Hilton putting up over 100

UprootedTexan — 11:55 AM

The Hiltoning...The Hiltoning is upon us.

bigfatdrunk — 11:56 AM

Do you mean points, Carlos?

Carlos Flores — 11:57 AM

LMAO there’s no way he embarrasses me on Twitter dot com for a second year straight

UprootedTexan — 12:00 PM

Time to take the wooden spoon between my teeth once more.

Marcus Cannon likely out for the season.

Carlos Flores — 12:01 PM

Well, I guess that means we definitely shouldn’t move Tytus back to tackle

UprootedTexan — 12:01 PM

Had back surgery and recovery time is likely 12 weeks.

That’s exactly what they expect us to do and exactly what we SHALL NOT do!

We’re going to shake up brand new paradigms that don’t exist and build a new frontier in paradigms shifting!

Okay, let’s see if Davis Mills has turned back into a pumpkin or not.

Ah, the traditional false start to open the game, classic gambit.


(Texans First Possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:04 PM

Wait, Goggles isn’t in the game?

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM


bigfatdrunk — 12:04 PM

The whole Cannon thing was BOB level incompetence.

(Colts First Possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:06 PM

Chris Moore could be the #2 we need

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

Start the clock. Let’s see how long it takes for a stupid long TY Hilton touchdown.

Matt Weston — 12:06 PM

What? I thought Davis Mills broke out last week. COWARD KITTEN third down screen.

Oh good it the Hiltoninicking has already started

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

Was anybody else a little unsure that Culley would decline that facemask penalty just there?

(Texans Second Possession)

How tiny is Jay Feely that he makes Spero Dedes look like a giant?

bigfatdrunk — 12:13 PM

They are going to slot corner blitz us to death. Again.

Giving the ball to Lindsay is a waste of time.

Kenneth L. — 12:14 PM

Hello boys

Sorry having a hard time finding a stream

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM

No worries.

Okay, that wasn’t a bad pass.

bigfatdrunk — 12:15 PM

Did one of the announcers rip a juicy fart?

Kenneth L. — 12:15 PM

That may have been me

UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

My money is on Dedes if they did.

Matt Weston — 12:15 PM

this is last week’s Mills now on this drive

UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

He looks like he eats a lot of cabbage.

Matt Weston — 12:16 PM

Even with Davis Mills, every run is a waste of a down with this offensive line, going up against this top run defense

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

Davis Mills just did a Deshaun Watson-esque escape there.

Carlos Flores — 12:17 PM

Good throw to Nico. Receiver room is looking up

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

That one’s coming back.


Matt Weston — 12:19 PM

Jordan Akins has never been able to block, and this offensive staff keeps making him block

Carlos Flores — 12:19 PM

What a lazy [kitten] fumble

bigfatdrunk — 12:19 PM

He’s down.

Matt Weston — 12:19 PM

I think Phillip Lindsay just died

Carlos Flores — 12:20 PM

Shoot these running backs into the sun

Matt Weston — 12:20 PM

shoot the offensive line into the sun

UprootedTexan — 12:20 PM

Except Ingram. I like Ingram still.

Good lord he lost his [kitten] helmet.

Matt Weston — 12:21 PM

Thank God for the Colts. They are the conduit that allows me to be a Texans fan these days.

(Colts Second Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:22 PM

We remain on the Hiltoning Clock.

Should I be concerned I’m watching a football game where they’re advertising phone service specifically for old people?

Kenneth L. — 12:25 PM

Hahaha. Insurance and cars

Tough starting field position for the Colts

UprootedTexan — 12:26 PM

Ooooooh, the Colts have a running back who can gain four yards in one carry. I miss that.

Matt Weston — 12:27 PM

I’m so sad they have to play King as an outside cornerback. He’s atrocious out there.

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

It’s all part of Toro’s grand design.

We are currently 22 minutes into the Hiltoning and he has yet to catch a deep bomb. Yay?

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 7-0)

Carlos Flores — 12:29 PM

Everyone is Hilton now.

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

Crap, who’s injured I didn’t see it.

bigfatdrunk — 12:31 PM


Texans safeties have one job and one job only. Fail.

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

Except Justin Reid.

Matt Weston — 12:31 PM

lmao Terrance Brooks got the start over Lonnie Johnson JR. and got crushed by Parris Campbell and Carson Wentz.

[Durga] Houston sucks so much

UprootedTexan — 12:32 PM

It’s 10:32 Pacific time right now, is it too soon to order a Long Island iced tea for this game?

I’m having trouble figuring out if Gronk is acting in these commercials or if he really is that much of a dumb[kitten] in real life?

I mean there’s a non-zero chance he’s really trying to sign up for USAA Insurance and doesn’t understand why he can’t.

Carlos Flores — 12:34 PM

He is actually that much of a dumb[kitten]

(Texans Third Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

See? Less bad things happen when you give Ingram the ball.

Kenneth L. — 12:36 PM

Good run Ingram

UprootedTexan — 12:37 PM

LOL, another third down screen.

Carlos Flores — 12:37 PM

Jeez, this offense is anemic

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

It’s only been one quarter?!


bigfatdrunk — 12:39 PM

For lunch, I made nature’s second best food: corn dogs.

UprootedTexan — 12:40 PM

Oh that reminds me, there’s a place near that sells Korean Style Corn Dogs.

Matt Weston — 12:40 PM

I have more faith in Davis Mills than Tim Kelly does

You telling me a korean fried this dog?

(Colts Third Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:41 PM

Here’s an example, they coat the batter with bits of frozen french fries.

Matt Weston — 12:42 PM

lmao wtf

bigfatdrunk — 12:42 PM

Nothing like that here, sadly.

Matt Weston — 12:42 PM

that’s intense

bigfatdrunk — 12:42 PM

Lol TY Hilton.

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

Did we just get a Hiltoning?

::stopping the clock::

I’ve been too afraid of ordering from there because...well, look at it.

bigfatdrunk — 12:44 PM

Allie-Cox should have caught that.

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

Lovie beard!

Matt Weston — 12:45 PM

God I love this universe

Hilton coming back this week was a synchronicity

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

For the record, it was 37 minutes before the first deep bomb to Hilton. I’m keeping the clock running for his first deep bomb touchdown.

Carlos Flores — 12:46 PM

If he scores a TD, I’m liquidating my fantasy team.

(Colts field goal. Colts lead 10-0)

Kenneth L. — 12:49 PM

Offense looks sour right now

Yeah Hilton doing Hilton things sucks

(Texans Fourth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

I gotta say, Mills hasn’t looked half bad so far.

Carlos Flores — 12:52 PM

He hasn’t. This OL just hasn’t been very good

UprootedTexan — 12:53 PM

And then he underthrows a ball and makes me regret saying anything nice ever.

bigfatdrunk — 12:54 PM

The play calling is so much better this year. Huge difference.

Carlos Flores — 12:54 PM

Tim Kelly is a free elf now

UprootedTexan — 12:54 PM

Jack Easterby gave him a sock.

bigfatdrunk — 12:55 PM


Kenneth L. — 12:56 PM

3rd and 3 this is a big play

Carlos Flores — 12:57 PM

Davis is throwing these comebacks really well

bigfatdrunk — 12:57 PM

I’d be much more impressed by an explosive offense, TBH.

UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

That’s asking a lot. You know we’re not allowed to have nice things like that.

bigfatdrunk — 12:58 PM

This is 2021, after all. 1978 was a long time ago.

That should have been a pick.

UprootedTexan — 1:00 PM

It really should have.

Matt Weston — 1:01 PM

Mills even doing this is incredible after watching him against CLE, CAR, and BUF

I hate this run game so much

Plus with the defense being this bad, a ball control offense is the way to go

UprootedTexan — 1:02 PM

@BFD: Look, we can’t go and completely upend an offense that’s been around for so long. We can only make slow, incremental progress toward a modern offense, that’s the only way to ensure that it can’t be changed back.

I guess what I’m saying, BFD, is don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

Kenneth L. — 1:02 PM

That was an awful ball

bigfatdrunk — 1:02 PM

4 yards a rush, and one of 11 went for 24.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal. I’m surprised too. Colts lead 10-3)

Matt Weston — 1:02 PM

That was the Davis Mills we used to know

(Colts Fourth Possession)

Kenneth L. — 1:05 PM

Who did they say was injured?

UprootedTexan — 1:06 PM

Not sure, I missed it, the sound’s not on here.

bigfatdrunk — 1:08 PM

This offense impresses me.

Or the defense is [kitten].

UprootedTexan — 1:09 PM

Reject the tyranny of “or.”


Joe Critz — 1:13 PM

Lets go Tixins :)

UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM


Joe Critz — 1:13 PM

What even is Davis Mills

This is like actually strange how good he’s gotten so fast

This is not real

UprootedTexan — 1:15 PM

I know I make this comparison a lot, but he’s kind of my default comparison for rookies who ripen in the course of a season, but it kind of reminds me of Russell Wilson.

[Ed. Note: Please disregard this. I never said this. It was put in by BFD to make me look bad which I don’t need help with, thank you very much.]

Carlos Flores — 1:15 PM

What a punt

UprootedTexan — 1:15 PM

I mean he’s not on his level obviously, just the speed in which he’s showing improvement.

[Ed. Note: Ibid.]

Oh bless your heart Mark Ingram.

(Texans Fifth Possession)

Kenneth L. — 1:19 PM

This run game is infuriating

Siri suggested inferior which would also work

UprootedTexan — 1:20 PM


Carlos Flores — 1:22 PM

Definitely not a fumble

UprootedTexan — 1:22 PM

That’s an incomplete pass.

Kenneth L. — 1:22 PM


Matt Weston — 1:23 PM

The Texans traded DeAndre Hopkins for Brandin Cooks, who’s the entirety of the offense, and David Johnson, who is a wide receiver now.

Kenneth L. — 1:23 PM


UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

Matt, there are less painful ways to depress me, you know.

bigfatdrunk — 1:25 PM

He made a football move. I don’t get it.

UprootedTexan — 1:25 PM

It wasn’t notarized, though.

bigfatdrunk — 1:26 PM

I mean, I guess he didn’t put it away.

Kenneth L. — 1:27 PM

Yeah no package was secured

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

Few things fill me with more dread than watching Ka’imi Longshanks practice field goal kicking.

bigfatdrunk — 1:27 PM

Slot corner blitz!

UprootedTexan — 1:28 PM


Kenneth L. — 1:28 PM

The announcers hyping up mills.

Carlos Flores — 1:28 PM

Presidents of the fan club

They could have got that punt to the 1

(Colts Fifth Possession ends the half)


Kenneth L. — 1:30 PM

We aren’t good at the offense

UprootedTexan — 1:31 PM

No worries, we’ll just stop them

bigfatdrunk — 1:32 PM

Davis Mills is so good that we have scored 10 whole points in the past four quarters of play.

UprootedTexan — 1:33 PM

But to be fair, how much of that is on Mills and how much of that is on the offense as a whole?

He’s made some pretty good throws and our offense is hot soggy garbage, lest we forget.

Matt Weston — 1:34 PM

Yeah I know.

Mills has been completely fine. It’s the stupid screen passes and nauseating runs against a top run defense that’s the reason for the low point total.

UprootedTexan — 1:36 PM

How is this “United States of Al” show still a thing that people watch on television?

bigfatdrunk — 1:38 PM

True, but that’s also in large part because you can’t trust Mills to come off his first read. You want him making quick decisions with the ball, and you definitely don’t want him to hold the ball for more than three seconds.

Ultimately, the danger of Davis Mills is that he looks “good enough.” I know I have said this before. If the FO decides he’s good enough as a starter, we’re kittened.

UprootedTexan — 1:42 PM

He’s also on his, what, third start of his career? I’m not saying he’s the answer and you’re right if he doesn’t improve past what he is now, we are hosed. But I want to see what he does over the course of the season before I pass that kind of judgment on him. If he’s still doing this in December, then yes, it’s a problem. But he’s progressed significantly from where we saw him in Cleveland and well beyond what I had expected out of him at all, which was nothing.


(Colts Sixth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:43 PM

But his upside is, what, Brian Hoyer?

UprootedTexan — 1:44 PM

That’s the thing, I don’t know, that’s why I want to see what he can become, IF he can become anything at all.

I can’t believe I’m defending Davis Mills all of a sudden.

Matt Weston — 1:46 PM

He’s been coming off his first read the last two weeks.

(Texans Sixth Possession)

Matt Weston — 1:47 PM

I don’t think Mills is going to be good, but he’s been an entirely different player the last six quarters, playing in a terrible situation.

UprootedTexan — 1:48 PM

Exactly, I don’t expect a ton out of Mills, but I also didn’t expect Mills to develop as much as he has already, so I’m just curious to see how much that development turns into. Or if he does in fact turn back into a pumpkin.


bigfatdrunk — 1:49 PM

Pumpkin latte, even.

UprootedTexan — 1:49 PM

Okay, that pass was indefensible.

Carlos Flores — 1:49 PM

What a crap pick

(Mills interception. Colts ball.)

(Colts Seventh Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:50 PM

I mean, not one but two guys were going to pick that off.

UprootedTexan — 1:50 PM

That pick was all butt.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 17-3)

Kenneth L. — 1:51 PM


Carlos Flores — 1:51 PM

I could play TE and have a huge game against this team

Kenneth L. — 1:51 PM

He is seeing dead people

UprootedTexan — 1:51 PM

Matt Weston — 1:53 PM

He’s had problems throwing to the middle of the field all season until last week when he hit some slants and a post off play action

Johnson Jr. is nauseating at safety. I would just cut him at this point.

(Texans Seventh Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:54 PM

Jeez, look at that top of that draft now: Howard, Scharping, and LJJ. Yikes.

Cut Roberts, too.

Matt Weston — 1:56 PM

All three of their first three picks no longer play the position they were drafted to play. Scharping and Howard are guards, Johnson Jr. is a safety.

UprootedTexan — 1:56 PM

Egads, what was that throw?

bigfatdrunk — 1:56 PM

I think that’s the third time they have run that play.

Carlos Flores — 1:57 PM

Good job by Mills finding Cooks rolling out like that

bigfatdrunk — 1:57 PM

Nobody within 10 yards of Cook.

Two WTK throws on this drive after the pick.


(Colts Eighth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:00 PM


sideline shot of Danny Amendola wearing a Bill Belichick hoodie on the sideline

UprootedTexan — 2:00 PM

That’s a hangable offense.

bigfatdrunk — 2:01 PM

I cannot wait to see the Surrender Index on that punt.

From earlier.

UprootedTexan — 2:02 PM

84th percentile of cowardly punts.

Matt Weston — 2:02 PM

David Culley doesn’t call plays, and is the worst ingame manager I’ve ever seen

bigfatdrunk — 2:02 PM

I don’t understand what David Culley does.

UprootedTexan — 2:02 PM

Motivational speeches.

bigfatdrunk — 2:03 PM

That’s an impressive offense.

UprootedTexan — 2:03 PM


Carlos Flores — 2:03 PM

Desmond King made a business decision

bigfatdrunk — 2:03 PM

I gotta say that I AM impressed with Kirksey’s long speed.

They were dead set on getting Taylor that TD.

Carlos Flores — 2:05 PM

He earned it

Matt Weston — 2:05 PM

David Montgomery vibes on that run

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 24-3)

Matt Weston — 2:06 PM

Demarcus Walker playing as a defensive tackle is one of the funniest things Lovie Smith has done this season

UprootedTexan — 2:06 PM

Matt Weston — 2:07 PM


What an atrocious gameplan. The Colts are bad, and so easy to scheme against, and this is what they came up with. The process they pray to is as bad as the results.

UprootedTexan — 2:08 PM

It’s amazing how much of an improvement this game takes when I’ve got an LIIT in me.

(Texans Eighth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:09 PM

WR screens for two yards don’t excite you???

UprootedTexan — 2:09 PM

Excite me? They make me laugh.

Matt Weston — 2:10 PM

Charlie Heck can’t block the alley either. I miss Roderick Johnson.

bigfatdrunk — 2:11 PM

There’s still more than a quarter of football left, and the Colts’ win probability is 99.2%.

Kenneth L. — 2:12 PM

My Twitter feed rn

UprootedTexan — 2:13 PM

Time for a screen!

Wow, they didn’t go for the screen.

Kenneth L. — 2:14 PM

Yikes on that run play

Mills can throw one pass and it’s the curl route

UprootedTexan — 2:15 PM


bigfatdrunk — 2:16 PM

“Ingram having a good day.” Take away the 24 yard run, and it’s 3.4 ypc otherwise.

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

Maybe they mean a good day compared to someone who had a piano dropped on his head.

It’s all relative.

Carlos Flores — 2:18 PM

This team may never win again

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

Oh man, after that hit, the only thing funnier than Davis Mills in a David Culley offense is Jeff Driskel in a David Culley offense.

Matt Weston — 2:20 PM

They’re going to be 1-7 before TyGOD is healthy, and by then, there’s no point. Just leave Mills out there every week and see if he can do anything.

bigfatdrunk — 2:20 PM


Matt Weston — 2:21 PM

At least Ingram can break tackles, and create yards after contact. He’s completely fine. It’s the blocking that kills him. I wonder if a team will trade a sixth for him at the deadline.

bigfatdrunk — 2:21 PM

This field goal is going to be lit AK.

UprootedTexan — 2:22 PM

LOLOLOLOL, the most pointless interception of all time.

(Mills interception. Colts ball)

(Colts Ninth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:23 PM

Damn nice pick, though.

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

They are showing E-Sports here at BWW.

bigfatdrunk — 2:24 PM

Wow. Looked like a pick to me.

UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM


Matt Weston — 2:26 PM

I love how little of an impact not having Laremy Tunsil is this game has been.

(Texans Ninth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

If anything we might have gotten fewer false start penalties today.

This must be League of Legends they’re playing.

bigfatdrunk — 2:30 PM

Am I still supposed to be impressed by Mills?

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

Negative impressions are still an impression.

bigfatdrunk — 2:31 PM

5.5 ypa for Mills.

Big Matt’s right in that this is partly because of the stupid game planning, but it also shows how big of an outlier those long passes were last week.


UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

Nice of you to make an appearance today Nico.

bigfatdrunk — 2:36 PM

Wow, I thought it would have been far worse:

(Texans fumble. Colts recover.)

(Colts Tenth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

Crap, I’m sobering up.

bigfatdrunk — 2:38 PM

Now would be a good time for the mercy rule.

Carlos Flores — 2:44 PM

Dang, Hilton is down. Think he’s just short of 100

bigfatdrunk — 2:44 PM

I guess we’re in the “players dropping like flies” part of the game.

UprootedTexan — 2:44 PM

I think we broke TY Hilton.

4 receptions 80 yards for Hilton.

bigfatdrunk — 2:45 PM

Man, I thought the Colts would COWARD there. But, nope.

UprootedTexan — 2:45 PM

You think they’re afraid of our defense?

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 31-3)

Carlos Flores — 2:47 PM

Goodness, no run defense whatsoever.

(Texans Tenth Possession)

Carlos Flores — 2:50 PM

Philip Lindsay trying to save his job

UprootedTexan — 2:50 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOL, Lindsay turning on the jets when it’s effectively pointless.

Matt Weston — 2:50 PM

Wentz is 11/20 for 223 yards lmao

@BFD, I agree with your take on the Y/A

That’s what I wrote about last week. He was great, but I didn’t think the deep throws were repicable. He didn’t even try them this week.

bigfatdrunk — 2:51 PM

Mills’ ability to miss easy passes is so weird.

Lazy with the throw. Another pick.

Carlos Flores — 2:52 PM

Pfft, that’s a fitting way to put this game down.

UprootedTexan — 2:52 PM

Pumpkin mode: ACTIVATED.

Matt Weston — 2:52 PM

This game has been down since the Wentz money shot

UprootedTexan — 2:53 PM


bigfatdrunk — 2:53 PM


UprootedTexan — 2:53 PM

::covers Carlos’ ears::


Matt Weston — 2:53 PM


bigfatdrunk — 2:54 PM

Michael Pittman didn’t do much as a receiver, but that dude clearly enjoys blocking.

Matt Weston — 2:55 PM

I can’t believe I’m going to watch the coach’s film of this

Kenneth L. — 2:55 PM

God this hurts

Same Matt. Same

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

You might as well, because Culley won’t.

Matt Weston — 2:56 PM

Pittman is bizarre. He’s best skill at USC was climbing the ladder on vertical passes, but he’s been better at catching crossing routes so far. Aside from that leap over against Baltimore, he hasn’t done it much.

Might wring out the hate in my heart and write about how much I don’t like Lonnie Johnson Jr.


Computer just ran out of juice.

(Texans Eleventh Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

If it makes y’all feel any better, Sam Darnold is still a turnover machine.

UprootedTexan — 3:00 PM

They just showed the Texans timeline of the last few years. And I’m convinced that BOB trading DeAndre Hopkins is what caused COVID.


So this week we will give one game ball, and it’s for ironic purposes.

Ka’imi Fairbairn gets this week’s game back because he was THE ONLY ONE WHO PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD.


The only other game ball would go to the bartender. They’re the real MVP.

So what do y’all have to add? Are y’all as irritated about this game as I am? Would you eat Korean-style corn dogs? What weird thing would you add to corn dog batter to make it unique? Let us know in the comments!