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Incompletions: Texans v. Colts (Coming Undone)

With so much to write and talk about after every game, one person isn’t enough to write about it all. The Masthead joins together and writes about the Texans doing what they used to do, getting stomped in Indy.

Houston Texans v Indianapolis Colts Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

MATT WESTON:

Clown masks. The unlucky number 13. Five feet and ten inches. The time of year triggers my PTSD. Spooky sheets hang from trees, gelatinous garish globular ornaments roost on doorsteps, setting sun has evolved from pink to orange, and finally, that haunted wind gives us some respite from the heat.

Of course T.Y. Hilton would arrive back to the field when the Houston Texans come to town. He is their daddy. They go out and get their switches, they are forced to their room starving without dessert, he doles out corporal punishment under shirts so mommy doesn’t know, and he grunts in front of the television, four Icehouses deep, grunting and farting himself to sleep.

Over the course of his career Eugene Marquis Hilton has 101 catches for 1,798 yards and 11 touchdowns in 19 games against Houston. Diminutive frame turning the barn into a house of pain. Curls that move the chains, and deep shots that create quick and easy points. This week was the same. Hilton had 4 catches for 80 yards, including a 51 yard reception. More than a coincidence, this was a synchronicity.

The expected arrived on time yesterday. Houston’s defense was terrible yet again, because they forced zero turnovers. Carson Wentz chewed up their two high frames, and Jonathan Taylor averaged more than 10 yards a carry, shredding Houston via the outside zone. Davis Mills’s deep passes last week that were furious and impossible, yet wonderful, were not replicable this week. Tim Kelly hid in his shell, and never took advantage of the Colts coverage issues against the deep pass. 6.66 yards per attempt. Get out of here with that. And David Culley still can’t manage a mid-tier pizza buffet, let alone a NFL game, poor management at the end of the half, and atrocious punts, at least he provides free lunch sometimes.

Already the fleas have leaped off of this lecherous dog. The nerds and the sycophants who barraged us with Phillip Lindsay season, James Campen shall save the offensive line, Davis Mills would be a first round pick if he entered the 2022 NFL Draft, have already logged off, and have barricaded themselves in a Biodome of their own positive, naive, and absurd refrain. Like the annuals that bloom in the spring, we’ll see y’all next year, once Nick Caserio has nailed the Deshaun Watson trade, and Zach Cunningham has been released, and they have multiple top ten draft picks to rebuild the team.

Until then there isn’t much here. The cupboard is empty. The losses are going to keep coming. They should have factored in Tyrod Taylor’s age and injury history, they should have decided to pull the plug last spring, they should have done a lot of things differently. The only thing that matters is what they get for Watson at the end of the season. In the meantime we’ll watch the same things happen again and again and again.

L4BLITZER:

For the Texans, this game was a master class in how to execute their ideal game plan to win a game. A bend-but-don’t-break defense, one that can get turnovers and maximize those into key scoring opportunities. A balanced attack, spearheaded by a punishing running game and a big play passing offense, all led by a coach who will take calculated risks to succeed.

Unfortunately for the Houston squad, they were the students and the Colts the teachers, especially in the second half. The game started a little sluggish for the Colts. Aside from their big pass plays, the Texans controlled possession in the first half and were only down seven at the half. After getting a Colts three and out, Houston looked to be in good position to really make this a game. Then the interception, the subsequent touchdown, and the beat down was on. The Texans could move the ball, Mills was making some key throws, and the Texans actually ran three plays to every two of the Colts. Yet, when it mattered most, the Colts bowed up and limited the team to three points, snagged three turnovers to Houston’s zero, and made the big plays that actually counted for points.

Good on the Colts for bouncing back from the choke job in Baltimore, keeping themselves within shouting distance of the Titans. For the Texans, they are shaping up to be a bad, bad road team (not that anyone thought they would be a good team, but in their last 10 road quarters, the Texans have been outscored 88-10). Throw in some grumbling about the lack of discipline from coaches and players and the vaunted Texans’ “culture” is not looking so great right now.

THAT SUMS IT UP:

RIVERS MCCOWN:

They posted this. It’s a gallery with five photos. One of which is a duplicate of one of the two fans they found in five photos. LMFAO.

BIGFATDRUNK:

It seemed like, for the entire game, the announcers kept trying to convince us that Davis Mills was having a fantastic game. Mills finished with a 29/43—243—0—2 line for a 62.5 quarterback rating. This puts him at 73.2 for the season, and his 6.6 yards per attempt is atrocious.

Fortunately for the Colts, they were all too busy playing the game, and they weren’t distracted with all of the fluff about Mills.

Over the past three games, the Texans have scored 25 points for an average of 8.3 points/game. If you want to blame Tim Kelly or David Culley or Nick Caserio or Jack Easterby or the scheme or the penalties or the players? The answer is yes, all of the above.

The Texans want us to believe in process and culture, and in our case, they both suck. What say you, Brandin Cooks?

Meanwhile, the Texans are giving up 29 points per game.

That football feeling? It’s more like football hell.

THE RED ROCK LANDING UPON THE SHORE:

EVAN WILSMORE:

I didn’t write a preview piece this week because I honestly wasn’t confident about my predictions. With that in mind, I probably wouldn’t have been far off.

The one positive about Sunday was seeing improvement in the run game. Jonathan Greenard had two sacks, which is also notable. That’s about it in terms of highlights.

T.Y. Hilton gave Texans fans more PTSD during his season debut, leading the Colts in receiving. A man who has haunted Houston for years continued his dominance, despite coming off an injury.

To conclude, this game was pretty average given what the Texans are currently working with. It’s a shame that “average” means no touchdowns and multiple turnovers, but all hope might not be lost. Tyrod Taylor is coming back sooner than later, and he should be able to give the team some sort of spark.

STAY STRONG EDDIE:

MIKE BULLOCK:

Between this game and the Buffalo Bills disaster two weeks ago, Houston was outscored 71-3. Now, we all know the tank is on, and David Culley is a placeholder for a lost season.

But 71-3?

There’s a big difference between losing games to get a high draft pick and utterly embarrassing the city of Houston.

Maybe one of the gamers in Cal McNair’s peer group can convince him to sell the team and buy Respawn entertainment or one of the other floundering video game companies. Then someone who understands how to run an NFL franchise can take over the Texans. The only problem with that is the aforementioned gamers are probably all nine year old sand don’t understand that owning an NFL franchise doesn’t make you admirable if you constantly shoot yourself in the foot with a Mastiff shotgun.

Thankfully, the Jacksonville Jaguars won their game, so that should help Houston inch a little closer to the #1 draft pick. If only the Detroit Lions could actually win a few...

THAT FOOTBALL FEELING: