clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Totally Not Fake News: Just Another Game

Houston plays Arizona. That’s probably all that is to be said about this game.

NFL: SEP 23 Giants at Texans

PHONEIX, AZ – Perhaps one of the biggest surprises to this NFL season has two parts to it. One part has the Arizona Cardinals, generally regarded as the worst team in the meatgrinder that is the NFC prior to the start of the season, as the sole remaining unbeaten team at 6-0. The second part is generally how quiet that 6-0 has been, relative to other NFL headlines. “Between all the drama with Aaron Rodgers, other teams quarterbacks, the struggles of the Chiefs, Tom Brady winning in New England wearing another team’s colors, Urban Meyer, Jon Gruden and Dan Snyder all in a race to determine who is the biggest [Easterby] of a NFL leader, you would probably have little to no time to read about the team in Arizona” observed some random dude our intrepid Totally Not Fake News reporter talked with at a local Starbucks.

Yet, coming into Week 7, the Cardinals are sitting in a good place as a team. “Man, we gotta great team. Absolute certified nightmare of a team” noted Cardinals Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury. “[Easterby], this team is so good, they have been killing it in practice and on the field. It’s been so good, I figured that the organization would be good if I just took the day off. Hey, sometimes, you just feel the need to take a breather. Just take the day and chill at home. I mean, I was kinda sick, maybe…can’t be too careful in this day and age.”

If you have to quarantine, there are worse places to do so.
Fort Worth Star Telegram

“Coach loves a challenge” snorted defensive lineman J.J. Watt. “We’ve been doing so well, we actually told him ‘Dude, just take a game off. We can get some other late-30s white guy out of the stands who may or may not have seen Sean McVay in person at an airport or something, put a headset on him and let him stand on the sidelines, shouting a few incoherent things and making a timeout signal or two.’ We absolutely are in a good place right now.”

“Yep, definitely shaping up nicely” chimed in wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins. “A great start to the season. A 6-0 start, going into a bye week. Oh man, life is good. Ya know, during the bye week, I am hoping to make it up to New York. Curious to see the latest fall/winter fashion trend…”

“Mr. Hopkins” our reporter chimed in. “You do realize that you do not have a bye this coming week. Your team has an actual game.”

“Oh, really? We do?” [Hopkins immediately checks phone.] “Oh, that’s right. We do have a game. I’ll be [Easterbyed]!”

“Wait, we have a game next week?” Watt chimed in. “Huh, how ‘bout that? Who are we playing?”


Watt paused. “Ok. Houston.” This was followed by a shoulder shrug from the two players and they immediately returned to practice.

Arizona Cardinals v Cleveland Browns
Clearly the only known connection between these two centers on the fact they wear the same colored jerseys for Arizona.
Photo by Nick Cammett/Getty Images

We at Totally Not Fake News can completely understand the nonchalant response to the fact that the Arizona Cardinals are hosting the Houston Texans. After all, these two teams only face each other once every 4 years. There is not a lot of drama or history between the two. Houston claimed the last game against the Cardinals in 2017, and Houston came up short in their last visit to Arizona back in 2013.

Try as we might, we can’t really find any other story about this game, except that it is a match-up between two NFL teams. Believe us, our crack staff did a lot of digging. This may or may not have involved sending a bunch of phishing-like emails to the staffs of both the Cardinals and Texans. Yet, we can’t find any sort of subplot or underlining narrative. We can’t even make up a narrative (not that we at Totally Not Fake News would ever do that). Yeah, the NFL probably doesn’t want to hear this, but you probably don’t have any real reason to watch or tune into this game, unless you just want to see all the on-the-field stuff.

Hopefully, other matchups will have plenty of prime, juicy stories filled with personal backgrounds/history/and a whole lot more personnel drama. Until then, enjoy the game for the sake of the game.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor:

Cyber crime. Hacking, Ransomware. Personal data and deeply personal correspondence leaked to major media organizations for all the world to see. The nightmare for every large organization, especially those involving rich old white dudes. Jobs lost. Revenue curtailed. Reputations ruined.

Don’t let this happen to you! Sign up today for the new and improved ReputationSaver Anti-Virus/Anti-Malware/Data Cleaner software. Designed by some of the best cyber experts and vodka drinkers known to man, ReputationSaver’s most advanced Anti-Virus/Anti-Malware/Data Cleaner software will keep your networks and their contents safe, secure, and out of the headlines.

While others, like McAfee or Kaspersky claim they can keep out viruses and malware, ReputationSaver goes so much further. It protects from ALL threats, foreign and domestic. Our patented Data Cleaning techniques can render any server back to manufacturing settings in .069 seconds, even from the comfort of a deposition chair. Hardware cleaned, reputation secured.

Not wanting to deal with the hassle of erasing all of a server’s data? We also give you the option for targeted cleaning, which will enable our clients to only purge those internal files that might be a danger off the network. No more worrying about typing in a word or two that most would find offensive. ReputationSaver, using the latest “SuperWoke” programming, will go through, wipe out any offending word(s) and or image(s). No journalist, hacktivist or prosecutor will know the difference.

Act now. Orders for our software have been going through the roof since last week, and given all the supply chain issues, we don’t know if we can keep up with the demand. Our pricing is fair and equitable. So sign-up, install our new software and keep that feeling of confidence in your personal network and communication devices. Relax, knowing that you can type that ethnic joke, that you can send those special “modelling” pictures and express your inner-most feelings about others to your “friends” without fear of unexpected publicity. One-click, and ReputationSaver will do just that…Save. Your. Reputation.

(Not available in Las Vegas or Washington D.C.)