Hair of the Dog - Texans/Cardinals Edition

Do you like numbers? I like numbers. Numbers are interesting.

So let’s start off with a few numbers to look at.

Nine. Zero. Twenty-two. Three. Five.

Those are the points the Houston Texans have scored in their last five games. For those of you without an advanced math degree from Cal Tech or a handy calculator, that’s 39 points, or less than eight points per game on average.

If you average out the point totals through all seven games of the season, the Texans are currently averaging an awe-inspiring 13.85 points per game.

Now if you will be so kind as to look back through the past to not-so-hallowed antiquity to 2002 and the first seven games in Texans history. Do you think their points per average would be higher or lower?

If you said lower, you may want to skip to the Dog at this point. Because, the first Houston Texans team averaged 14.85 points per game in their first seven games.

I know, a lot of games left in the season and blah blah blah but you would expect this team, with all the “veteran presence” and cultural emphasis or whatever to score more than the team’s first year in existence.

At least the 2002 Texans had the excuse that they were an expansion team and expectations were minimal, if there were any at all. The Houston Texans franchise is almost old enough to drink now, and this is what it’s producing? And we’re supposed to be okay with that? We’re supposed to just shrug our shoulders and point to the few developing talents we have on this team, because remember, this is one of the oldest rosters in the NFL, and say “that’s why we should be encouraged?”

Mismanagement, incompetence, malpractice, call it whatever you want, but results like these do not belong on the resume of any competent front office/ownership group. This is the kind of [kitten] you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude (credit to George Carlin for the paraphrase), or a man whose day job consists entirely of dealing in false promises and exaggerated claims (again, thanks George).

I’m...tired. I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of the charlatan in the front office, I’m tired of the indifferent slab of beef owning the team who couldn’t spell CEO if you spotted him the C and the E. I’m tired of my team being a laughingstock for the rest of the league and a punching bag for teams that have some semblance of competence to them. I’m sick of That Football Feeling (TM). AND I’M REALLY SICK TO [KITTENING] DEATH OF WHATEVER CULTURE THIS TEAM IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEVELOPING. Botulism is a culture, too, doesn’t mean I want it permeating my favorite football team. And Jack Easterby is the Alexander Fleming of botulism.

Okay, enough of this ranting, it’s not making anybody feel any better. And Alexander Fleming references usually mean I’m going way off track.

Let’s get on with this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest, Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work.

::grips wooden spoon between my teeth::

Let’s do this.

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Joe Critz — 12:40 PM

Watch us win

UprootedTexan — 12:51 PM

Win what?

Joe Critz — 12:51 PM

The super bowl

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

Just saw where the opening line for the game now has the Cards as 20 point favorites. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that for an NFL game

bigfatdrunk — 1:23 PM

Vegas always knows.

UprootedTexan — 1:31 PM

Well bony wombat butts weren’t built in a day.

UprootedTexan — 2:19 PM

Stop the clock, whoever had October 24th at 12:20 PDT for “first Christmas commercial of the season,” please come forward and claim your prize.

UprootedTexan — 2:57 PM

Need to order my LIIT before the game starts.

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

No.

UprootedTexan — 3:07 PM

Rude.

Kenneth L. — 3:12 PM

Hi

UprootedTexan — 3:12 PM

Kenneth!

Kenneth L. — 3:13 PM

Can we all agree that if it’s 21-0 after the first we don’t have to write this week?

Just putting that juju out there

UprootedTexan — 3:14 PM

Sure, but I’ll have to add this to HOTD just to make sure that it’s legally binding.

Although I suspect if that does happen, the readers will probably be like “yeah, that’s cool.”

Kenneth L. — 3:14 PM

Okay but if we win you delete. Deal?

UprootedTexan — 3:14 PM

LOL, sure.

bigfatdrunk — 3:14 PM

Kenneth, I thought you were aware that blogging for BRB is a suicide pact.

Kenneth L. — 3:15 PM

Seppuku. Got it

UprootedTexan — 3:15 PM

Like the Judean People’s Front but with less dress sense.

bigfatdrunk — 3:16 PM

TEN blows out KC. NE smashes NYJ. BCIN blowing up BAL. Interesting day of the footed balls.

Matt Weston — 3:17 PM

OHHH YEAHHHHH

UprootedTexan — 3:17 PM

Which means the universe needs to be balanced out so they’re gonna probably hang a fiftyburger on us.

bigfatdrunk — 3:18 PM

Can’t be done. They have neither culture NOR process. Stupid team.

Matt Weston — 3:18 PM

How was I the only person in the world who picked KC to have a down season and hated their decision to go all in on their OL, when UprootedTexan Mahomes can make any OL unnecessary because of his play style. I picked TEN this week by the way.

UprootedTexan — 3:18 PM

Well you are a BESFs fan so that tracks.

Kenneth L. — 3:19 PM

Idk their line looks horrific

Matt Weston — 3:21 PM

Yeah because he holds onto the ball for 7 seconds and has to score on every possession because their defense is [kitten]. It’s so funny they still can’t run the ball.

bigfatdrunk — 3:24 PM

Gumbel and Archuleta? Getting the bottom of the barrel for announcers seems correct.

UprootedTexan — 3:24 PM

I thought that was Dedes and [INSERT NAME HERE]?

Holy crap, I just saw actual Lions fans here.

bigfatdrunk — 3:25 PM

And the Mills fluffing is off to a roaring start.

FIRST QUARTER

(Cardinals first possession)

Kenneth L. — 3:25 PM

Also, two of my roommates here in SF are from Houston. Idk who coined the “nice guy David Culley” line, but it has caught on like fire

UprootedTexan — 3:26 PM

America’s grandpa David Culley.

bigfatdrunk — 3:26 PM

King on Hopkins ought to work out well.

UprootedTexan — 3:27 PM

Anybody on Hopkins is probably a can’t miss proposition.

Matt Weston — 3:27 PM

Anybody on any one of Arizona’s receivers is a can’t miss proposition

I miss vape juice MAXX Williams

Matt_Robinson — 3:27 PM

Ok I’m off work, now that my body is beaten down I’m ready for my mind to join it #footballfeeling

UprootedTexan — 3:28 PM

LOL, welcome, you’re just in time for a Kyler Murray sack.

3rd and 20, they’ll convert this.

Well I’ll be [kitten]ed.

Matt Weston — 3:28 PM

Maliek Collins finally got one

Matt_Robinson — 3:29 PM

BIG PLAY MALIEK

(Texans first possession)

UprootedTexan — 3:29 PM

Oh thank [Durga] the alcohol is already kicking in.

Matt_Robinson — 3:30 PM

Normally it’s not my cup of tea but this week I do believe I’m breaking the seal

UprootedTexan — 3:30 PM

Oh wonderful, dude just came in with a kid who’s coughing and WITHOUT A [KITTEN]ING MASK.

bigfatdrunk — 3:31 PM

Yikes.

UprootedTexan — 3:32 PM

Although maybe it was just a one-off because he hasn’t coughed again, yet.

Carlos Flores — 3:32 PM

Alright, let’s see what Mills can do with a hot defensive start.

UprootedTexan — 3:32 PM

A non-CHUM to start the game? And it’s not my birthday?

bigfatdrunk — 3:34 PM

Calling a timeout NOW??? Terrible.

UprootedTexan — 3:34 PM

Probably trying to avoid the delay of game.

Because they 100% were going to get a delay of game call.

bigfatdrunk — 3:35 PM

Of course, but I still question using it so early.

UprootedTexan — 3:35 PM

Aaaaaaaaaaand THAT is what we get after timeout. Wonderful.

Carlos Flores — 3:35 PM

Down goes mills

bigfatdrunk — 3:35 PM

Scharping.

(Cardinals second possession)

Matt_Robinson — 3:36 PM

For somebody who was praised for being so intelligent in rookie camp Scharping has looked downright foolish

Matt Weston — 3:36 PM

I’m so tired of watching Max Scharping being unable to pass a T-E stunt.

They teach you how to pick that up in middle school lmao

UprootedTexan — 3:37 PM

It goes against cultural teachings.

Cactus rejoiner, Big Matt.

Matt Weston — 3:38 PM

Still laughing at the PFF numbers for his time playing RT at Northern Illinois in a quick passing offense with a mobile quarterback where he would just turn his back to the quarterback every snap

OHHHH YEAH I’m horny for these cacti shots

Joe Critz — 3:39 PM

Texans will win this game

UprootedTexan — 3:39 PM

Ohhhhhh, this game’s gonna be dumb as hell, isn’t it?

bigfatdrunk — 3:39 PM

That snap hit the mascot.

UprootedTexan — 3:39 PM

If Kyler weren’t three feet tall, he might have had a chance to catch that snap.

Matt_Robinson — 3:40 PM

Omenihu padding the stats

Joe Critz — 3:40 PM

Btw we’re fully not getting Spencer rattler, the world has finally gotten wise to his ways

Full speed ahead to Matt corral or Malik Willis

Or Sam Howell

bigfatdrunk — 3:40 PM

I cannot wait to watch Corral.

Matt_Robinson — 3:40 PM

I can’t get down for Corral he just scares me

Joe Critz — 3:41 PM

He is kinda scary haha

He’s like Justin Herbert on steroids

(Texans second possession)

Joe Critz — 3:41 PM

Kenny Pickett looks like this year’s Joe Burrow though

Matt_Robinson — 3:41 PM

I will say I had Sam Howell worries he would get even worse without Elijah Moore

Joe Critz — 3:42 PM

He did :(

But I still believe in him

I’m in too deep to give up now

UprootedTexan — 3:42 PM

And Kubiak believes in you.

Matt_Robinson — 3:42 PM

But he’s cut down on the mistakes so much I was surprised

Liberty v Ole Miss is gonna be the 2nd most watched game this season after the Bama Georgia championship

Joe Critz — 3:43 PM

I know!!!

Whoever wins will be Texans quarterback

Matt_Robinson — 3:43 PM

#CalBowl

Carlos Flores — 3:43 PM

I DIDNT KNOW WE COULD GET FIRST DOWNS

UprootedTexan — 3:44 PM

Legends have foretold of the ability of a Texans team to get first downs, but I always thought they were just legends.

If Mills didn’t get that pass to Amendola there with literally nobody covering him, I would’ve laughed my [kitten] off.

Why the hell haven’t we seen more Mark Ingram?

Matt Weston — 3:45 PM

Budda Baker in the box opens the door for Mills to recapture some of that New England magic

Matt_Robinson — 3:46 PM

This should have been a slimetime game

UprootedTexan — 3:46 PM

3rd and 2 and they run David Johnson. Okay. Sure. Why not?

bigfatdrunk — 3:47 PM

Akins can’t block, but he can chop block. Seems weird.

Matt Weston — 3:47 PM

hahahahahahaaha

UprootedTexan — 3:48 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, Johnson with the catch, has blockers and room and IMMEDIATELY FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE!!!

(Cardinals third possession)

Matt Weston — 3:48 PM

DAVID JOHNSON REVENGE GAME

Matt_Robinson — 3:48 PM

I’m rolling on the floor

bigfatdrunk — 3:48 PM

LOL!

Matt_Robinson — 3:48 PM

…not unlike David Johnson

bigfatdrunk — 3:49 PM

Helluva play by the special teams.

Carlos Flores — 3:49 PM

Punt team is going to be our mvp today

UprootedTexan — 3:49 PM

Cardinals fans: Can you believe this team gave us DeAndre Hopkins for THAT guy?

Matt_Robinson — 3:49 PM

Shane Lechler is somewhere smiling upon Cam Johnston

Matt Weston — 3:49 PM

[kitten] [kitten] I love saying David Johnson revenge game

bigfatdrunk — 3:49 PM

The pass to Johnson was terrible. Mills is so inaccurate sometimes.

UprootedTexan — 3:50 PM

Texans football: A tragicomedy almost 20 years in the making.

Holy [kitten], a safety!

STOP THE GAME! STOP THE GAME!!!!

(Texans sack Murray in end zone for a safety. Texans lead 2-0)

Matt_Robinson — 3:53 PM

That is one gnarly case of whiplash on Murray

(Texans third possession)

Matt Weston — 3:54 PM

Jacob Martin has made two plays this entire season

UprootedTexan — 3:55 PM

This is beyond confusing.

Kenneth L. — 3:55 PM

Super sorry I have not been paying attention

Y’all have no idea what I’ve had to go thru

Matt Weston — 3:55 PM

I hope David Culley understands that field position plays in the decision to go for it after that possession

UprootedTexan — 3:55 PM

That sounds ominous, Kenneth.

Matt_Robinson — 3:56 PM

Has Culley broken records for how terrible his game management is?

bigfatdrunk — 3:56 PM

I like how Culley just yells at nobody in particular.

UprootedTexan — 3:56 PM

And that’s saying something considering his predecessor.

Matt Weston — 3:57 PM

Do y’all understand this new one eye black under one eye fad?

Matt_Robinson — 3:57 PM

Did Culley just give Isaiah Simmons a sideline pep talk?

Kenneth L. — 3:57 PM

I live in a 4 bed one bath. One of the roommates started a conversation about a bidet that turned into an all our fury fest and requested to have a plumber do it. We were allll out. He wouldn’t back down. There’s also a semi language barrier so it is even harder

Matt Weston — 3:57 PM

Is it supposed to represent the totality of man?

UprootedTexan — 3:58 PM

Oh lord, that sounds like hell.

bigfatdrunk — 3:58 PM

Bidets kick [kitten].

SECOND QUARTER

Matt Weston — 3:58 PM

lol SF is a hell hole imagine paying $2000 a month for rent and sharing a bathroom with 3 other dudes

UprootedTexan — 3:59 PM

Seattle isn’t that bad, but it’s not far off from what I understand. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

Kenneth L. — 4:00 PM

Matt lol my rent is thatttttt bad

I got a rent reduction recently hahahah

UprootedTexan — 4:00 PM

Six dollars a year?

Like six dollars off the rent per year, I mean.

It’s the iced teas, I think.

bigfatdrunk — 4:01 PM

Wow, Kaimi did a thing.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is good. Texans lead 5-0)

UprootedTexan — 4:01 PM

WE GOT A FUNFER!!!!

[Ed. Note: Gentle reader, if you would like to stop here, we here at Battle Red Blog would not blame you one bit. Beyond here be dragons.]

bigfatdrunk — 4:01 PM

This is like NE again. Dominating the game, and we have five (5) kittening points.

(Cardinals fourth possession)

Matt Weston — 4:03 PM

the KANE mask is the perfect complement for the Arizona uniform

I’m sorry Kenneth, Texas is always here for you

UprootedTexan — 4:05 PM

::with tears in eyes:: Nuuuuuuuuk...

Come back, Nuk. We can make it work again!!!!

Matt Weston — 4:06 PM

The DeAndre Hopkins v. Desmond King bank has finally opened up

bigfatdrunk — 4:07 PM

Cunningham missing another tackle.

Matt_Robinson — 4:07 PM

David Johnson tipping his cap to big brother Chase Edmonds

Matt Weston — 4:08 PM

[kitten] [kitten] that was an atrocious Cunningham tackle attempt

bigfatdrunk — 4:08 PM

GO FOR IT, COWARDS.

Matt Weston — 4:08 PM

Just running straight up and grabbing like he’s grabbing something from the top shelf of the grocery store

UprootedTexan — 4:08 PM

You’re getting your wish, BFD.

bigfatdrunk — 4:09 PM

Yup.

UprootedTexan — 4:09 PM

bigfatdrunk — 4:09 PM

Running 50 yards to gain 5 LOL!

Matt Weston — 4:10 PM

REEEEEE REEEE REEEEEE

bigfatdrunk — 4:10 PM

He’s very down.

Matt_Robinson — 4:10 PM

Roy Lopez almost ate hi

UprootedTexan — 4:10 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Matt_Robinson — 4:10 PM

Him*

Matt Weston — 4:11 PM

the virgin Lonnie Johnson Jr. can’t force the fumble at the goalline like the CHAD Terrance Mitchell

UprootedTexan — 4:12 PM

I kind of want to throw up when Baker pumps nacho cheese into those kids’ trick or treat buckets.

(Cardinal touchdown. Cardinals lead 7-5)

[Ed Note: I tried to warn you.]

Matt Weston — 4:14 PM

Put Watt into catch a fade at the GL

UprootedTexan — 4:14 PM

::sobbing uncontrollably:: Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk....

Carlos Flores — 4:14 PM

Hopkins revenge game

Matt_Robinson — 4:15 PM

My heart couldn’t bear it

Matt Weston — 4:15 PM

WHOOP THERE IT IS

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 4:16 PM

OH GOOD, MORE DAVID JOHNSON! JUST WHAT I [KITTEN]ING WANTED!

::kills myself::

There’s a family sitting next to me with a baby who is just cute as hell and I’m tempted to ask if I can just play with her for the rest of the game.

Carlos Flores — 4:18 PM

Hello, J.J.

Matt_Robinson — 4:18 PM

What if…we added more screens to this offense

bigfatdrunk — 4:18 PM

Watt just destroyed Christian. Jeebus.

MOAR SCREENS.

Matt Weston — 4:19 PM

lmao perfect run defense by J.J.

That’s the masochistic football pornography I’ve been begging for

Kenneth L. — 4:20 PM

What are we doing running screens on 3rd and 12

Especially a tunnel screen

UprootedTexan — 4:21 PM

LOL, sure, why not.

bigfatdrunk — 4:21 PM

Mills with another turnover.

Carlos Flores — 4:21 PM

Mills fumble

Matt_Robinson — 4:21 PM

Almost like they don’t trust Mills to throw it

(Mills fumble and Cardinals recover.)

(Cardinals fifth possession)

UprootedTexan — 4:22 PM

Hot [kitten] I’m starting to feel like I can watch this game.

Matt Weston — 4:23 PM

Markus Golden’s contract was two-years $5 million

Kenneth L. — 4:23 PM

Ugh

[kitten] he has to get rid of the ball

I’m not having a good time

UprootedTexan — 4:23 PM

Where’s the fun in that?

Matt Weston — 4:24 PM

Kenneth, this is the best time. This is what these idiots get for making the decisions they made. Stupidity has consequences. These are the really fun moves Cal McNair talked about.

Matt_Robinson — 4:25 PM

The fallout about 5 years in the making

Matt Weston — 4:25 PM

Who’s had worst tackle attempts, Lonnie Johnson Jr. or Zach Cunningham?

UprootedTexan — 4:25 PM

Me watching the Texans game after two Long Island iced teas:

[CENSORED BECAUSE NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED TO SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE.]

UprootedTexan — 4:26 PM

I’m having a fine old time.

bigfatdrunk — 4:26 PM

Poor UT.

UprootedTexan — 4:27 PM

I think I need a third. Thoughts?

Kenneth L. — 4:27 PM

Lonnie Johnson getting hurt bingo card gets scratched off

UprootedTexan — 4:27 PM

[kitten][kitten] I do not photograph well.

Ermagerd, Tom Brady has six straight incompletions for a career high!

WE JUST LOST SIGNAL!!!!

Matt_Robinson — 4:29 PM

Oh thank [kitten] Eric Murray is in. Said no one ever

UprootedTexan — 4:30 PM

Aw [kitten], it’s back.

3rd and 24, there’s no way they don’t convert here, right?

bigfatdrunk — 4:31 PM

3rd and 24, UT.

Carlos Flores — 4:32 PM

HOW DO YOU LET THAT HAPPEN [KITTEN]

UprootedTexan — 4:32 PM

Thanks BFD, we got the signal back, unfortunately.

Matt_Robinson — 4:32 PM

“Christian Kirk against Christian Kirksey”

“You are very astute”

bigfatdrunk — 4:32 PM

Nice play by Lopez.

Kenneth L. — 4:32 PM

Kirksey what a play!

Yeah have we talked about Lopez’s success?

(Touchdown Cardinals. Cardinals lead 14-5)

bigfatdrunk — 4:33 PM

Did I play Christian Kirk against the Texans this week? Yes, yes I did.

Matt Weston — 4:33 PM

I wouldn’t call Lopez’s play as successful, but he’s been fine, and is a good 6th round pick

Matt_Robinson — 4:33 PM

Lopez has surprised me for a guy that wasn’t even on my top 250 prospect board last year

bigfatdrunk — 4:34 PM

Texans dominated the first quarter and score five (5) points. The Cardinals turn around and drop a quick 14.

Kenneth L. — 4:34 PM

C’mon nice guy David culley

UprootedTexan — 4:35 PM

He’s not here, he’s not there, he’s never [kitten]ing there, Zach C! Zach C!

(Texans fifth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 4:38 PM

Not letting Mills try to do something before half.

UprootedTexan — 4:38 PM

Update: I’ve lost feeling in my lips. Things are definitely improving.

Mills runs to the line of scrimmage only to have holding called to bring it back 10 yards anyway.

bigfatdrunk — 4:39 PM

Scharping!

UprootedTexan — 4:39 PM

Is that the #FootballFeeling I’m supposed to be embracing?

Asking for a friend.

Matt_Robinson — 4:39 PM

Heard BIG LEKI’s footsteps

TWO MINUTE WARNING

UprootedTexan — 4:42 PM

That’s just mean, J.J.

bigfatdrunk — 4:42 PM

But JJ Watt hasn’t done anything all season?

UprootedTexan — 4:42 PM

Not for us.

He’s been extremely unproductive for the Texans this season.

bigfatdrunk — 4:43 PM

Look at Watt and Howard chattering.

UprootedTexan — 4:43 PM

Watt (to Howard): Doncha wish you were free like me...doncha...

Matt Weston — 4:44 PM

[kitten] Mills for taking away what was deserved to us by throwing out of that sack

UprootedTexan — 4:44 PM

Find someone who loves you like the Texans love using David Johnson on third downs for anything.

Matt Weston — 4:45 PM

That was one of the most embarrassing tackle breaking attempts I’ve ever seen from David Johnson

UprootedTexan — 4:45 PM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...I want some Bacardi now.

SHOW ME ADS FOR NEEDLE IN A TIMESTACK AGAIN!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 4:46 PM

We should have that as a template. That was one of the most embarrassing __ I’ve ever seen from __.

UprootedTexan — 4:46 PM

I’ve....said a lot today...I should probably let y’all carry the conversation.

bigfatdrunk — 4:47 PM

I thought it was the LIITs talking?

UprootedTexan — 4:47 PM

It 1000% is.

1000% elephants is the LIITs talking.

(Cardinals sixth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 4:49 PM

Holy [kitten] that throw to Hopkins.

UprootedTexan — 4:49 PM

That was downright comical.

Matt Weston — 4:50 PM

Finally some Omenihu interior rushing

UprootedTexan — 4:50 PM

I’m officially numb. And I think numb is what #ThatFootballFeeling is supposed to be.

There’s a RAIDERS chant going right now, I’m thinking of joining them because why the [kitten] not?

bigfatdrunk — 4:50 PM

The QB draw there was...interesting.

Matt Weston — 4:50 PM

lol at Hopkins standing calling for the ball because Lonnie doesn’t know the difference between a hot dog and a hamburger

Kenneth L. — 4:51 PM

This is tooooo easy

bigfatdrunk — 4:53 PM

That’s a tough call on Collins.

UprootedTexan — 4:53 PM

HOW DO YOU TACKLE A QUARTERBACK THAT IS TWO FEET TALL AND NOT GET ROUGHING THE PASSER?!?!

bigfatdrunk — 4:53 PM

I don’t know. Honestly.

Matt_Robinson — 4:53 PM

ALMOST BIG PLAY MALIEK

UprootedTexan — 4:53 PM

Medium Play Maliek.

bigfatdrunk — 4:53 PM

Greenard with another sack.

Matt Weston — 4:54 PM

lmao

Maliek Collins will never get it

Matt_Robinson — 4:55 PM

How did this guy not get playing time last year?

Kenneth L. — 4:55 PM

Good to see Greenard make an impact

(Field goal is good. Cardinals lead 17-5)

UprootedTexan — 4:55 PM

Is 17-5 scorigami?

Matt Weston — 4:56 PM

lmao Kliff is afraid of Houston’s pass rush

Greenard has been Houston’s best EDGE defender all season, but everyone is still holding onto Jacob Martin and Charles Omenihu, and is blind to the truth.

UprootedTexan — 4:57 PM

What the [kitten] was he doing?

HALFTIME REACTIONS

(Texans to receive second half kickoff)

bigfatdrunk — 4:58 PM

That’s about as well as it could have gone for the Texans in a lot of ways, and they are still down 17-5.

UprootedTexan — 4:58 PM

If this is scorigami, please stop the game. Because it won’t get better from here.

Matt_Robinson — 4:59 PM

Never understood the narrative of Merc getting cut to give Greenard playing time. Seems like he got cut so Martin lovers can see how he doesn’t hold the edge

Matt Weston — 4:59 PM

They both played 56% of the snaps last week after Greenard was only playing 25% to start the season.

That was fun, but we need more blood. Arizona hasn’t quite scratched our itch just yet.

Matt_Robinson — 5:01 PM

So glad we structured those contracts for none of those players to be starting (Tunsil is hurt but still)

Matt Weston — 5:02 PM

Even if they were it was stupid because they limited next year’s cap space so they can sign Danny Amendola. Nick Caserio was awful this past offseason.

Matt_Robinson — 5:02 PM

I tried to keep an open mind but that and the trades have not looked great

Even if Cannon isn’t awful…he was unnecessary

Matt Weston — 5:03 PM

Yep, Cannon was fine, but he hadn’t played in a year, has an injury history, and moving Howard was stupid in August, and still is stupid.

Matt_Robinson — 5:04 PM

Could have just paid for a guard. Considering they have never stopped bringing in warm bodies since camp

UprootedTexan — 5:08 PM

That goes against cultural teachings.

Matt Weston — 5:10 PM

That position is cursed ever since Bill O’Brien made Brandon Brooks hate playing football

THIRD QUARTER

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan — 5:11 PM

[kitten], I’m sobering up.

Matt_Robinson — 5:11 PM

DeMaco Ryan’s was traded in vain

UprootedTexan — 5:12 PM

So what do we do with David Johnson on 3rd and 7?

Matt Weston — 5:12 PM

lmao

UprootedTexan — 5:14 PM

For a moment there I thought it said “steaming Tuesdays” and I was like, well...yeah.

And there’s David Johnson...again...

(Cardinals seventh possession)

Matt Weston — 5:18 PM

David Johnson being Houston’s third down offense is the funniest part of this game

Matt_Robinson — 5:20 PM

UprootedTexan — 5:22 PM

Sorrow...

All the sorrow.

Kenneth L. — 5:23 PM

This game feels like it’s taking forever

(Cardinals touchdown. Cardinals lead 24-5)

UprootedTexan — 5:24 PM

Fantastic job, secondary, no, really, I’m not just saying that.

Matt_Robinson — 5:25 PM

Cunningham…

Matt Weston — 5:25 PM

I’d rather watch Eric Murray instead of Lonnie Johnson JR.

Kenneth L. — 5:26 PM

That sucks

UprootedTexan — 5:26 PM

I’d rather watch a freshwater carp than either of them.

Matt_Robinson — 5:26 PM

Screw QB let’s just draft an entire secondary.

Kenneth L. — 5:27 PM

We just let old man Zach Ertz blow us up

(Texans seventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 5:28 PM

Run, run, David Johnson, punt.

Matt Weston — 5:29 PM

I can’t stop laughing at that Lonnie Johnson Jr. pursuit angle.

bigfatdrunk — 5:29 PM

Opening a beer.

UprootedTexan — 5:29 PM

That was fast.

You only started drinking now?

(Cardinals eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 5:31 PM

Yeah, working.

UprootedTexan — 5:31 PM

Excuses, excuses.

I do not need to see Charmin bears scratching their cartoon [kitten]es on my television, ever.

Kenneth L. — 5:32 PM

This offense is awful

Matt Weston — 5:33 PM

filling up a syringe.

UprootedTexan — 5:33 PM

Time to start sobering up, I have to drive back home at some point.

Wow a Cardinals penalty, that’s novel.

Matt Weston — 5:35 PM

Getting out of a DUI by telling the cop you are a Texans fan

UprootedTexan — 5:35 PM

Well that was a dumb as hell horse collar tackle.

bigfatdrunk — 5:36 PM

Really poor football.

UprootedTexan — 5:37 PM

It’s less #ThatFootballFeeling than #TheyJustSuck

Is it wrong that I dislike Cooper Kupp simply because I don’t like his name?

(Lonnie Johnson Jr. with the pick. Texans ball.)

(Texans eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 5:38 PM

Wow, LJJ gets the easiest picks you will ever see.

Matt Weston — 5:38 PM

That’s the second gimme pick he has

the pick against NE was actually football play, this one, and the against BUF weren’t

bigfatdrunk — 5:43 PM

LOL@ this playcalling.

(Cardinals ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 5:44 PM

We are a quarter away from being held out of the end zone for two straight games.

Matt Weston — 5:44 PM

Alford has been bad in coverage too, and they throw the screen instead

UprootedTexan — 5:45 PM

Since the third quarter of the Patriots game, to be specific.

(Texans ninth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 5:46 PM

In the last 19 quarters with Mills as a starter, they have scored 39 points.

Matt Weston — 5:47 PM

how many v. NE/

bigfatdrunk — 5:47 PM

22.

Matt Weston — 5:48 PM

Lmao

Matt_Robinson — 5:48 PM

Andre Roberts should have never made it out of the preseason. He got paid to workout basically

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan — 5:48 PM

So how will they use David Johnson here?

[KITTEN][KITTEN], I WAS JOKING!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 5:52 PM

LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Nailed it, UT!

(Turnover on downs. Cardinals ball.)

(Cardinals tenth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 5:52 PM

That should have been OPI.

Matt_Robinson — 5:54 PM

If cooks had a single eye mark he would have caught it smh

bigfatdrunk — 5:54 PM

The 4th quarter sieve run defense has logged on.

Matt Weston — 5:54 PM

It’s important to remember that Arizona’s pass rush has come from the interior, not the exterior, and the Texans haven’t missed Laremy Tunsil this week.

I’m a DeAndre Hopkins touchdown away from feeding my family for the next three weeks

UprootedTexan — 5:57 PM

I may laugh at the thought of Desmond King powerlifting DeAndre Hopkins on those long dark nights to come.

bigfatdrunk — 5:57 PM

Too. [Kitten]ing. Easy.

(Cardinals touchdown. Cardinals lead 31-5)

Matt Weston — 5:58 PM

[KITTEN]

another awful Johnson Jr. pursuit angle

that man doesn’t know how triangles work

UprootedTexan — 5:59 PM

We are currently at scorigami.

bigfatdrunk — 5:59 PM

SERIOUSLY??? WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@BigMatt: Acute? Obtuse? Generally speaking?

Matt Weston — 6:00 PM

he plays football like a PSOne Tomb Raider where you can only move in straight lines

UprootedTexan — 6:00 PM

As long as the Texans don’t score again and the Cardinals don’t kick a field goal, we might get scorigami.

Under to Cooks. Under to Collins. Whatever the [kitten] to David Johnson, punt.

(Texans tenth possession)

Matt_Robinson — 6:02 PM

Good let’s have this game go in the history books. The perfect feather in the cap to my misery

(Cardinals eleventh possesion)

UprootedTexan — 6:03 PM

DON’T LET THEM SCORE, SCORIGAMI IS THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW!

bigfatdrunk — 6:04 PM

Is there a 38-5, I wonder?

UprootedTexan — 6:04 PM

Yep.

I’m looking at the chart now.

bigfatdrunk — 6:04 PM

[KITTEN]. OK, TD, but they miss the XP.

Kenneth L. — 6:04 PM

38-5 has happened

UprootedTexan — 6:04 PM

Anything short of 34-5, 37-5, and 38-5 would be scorigami.

Matt Weston — 6:05 PM

no we need one more Hopkins TD

scorigami is reddit tier cultural emptiness like Tony Romo lime time

UprootedTexan — 6:05 PM

DO. NOT. DENY. ME. MY. ONE. JOY. IN. THIS. GAME.

bigfatdrunk — 6:06 PM

Well, we have a chance for points now, at least.

UprootedTexan — 6:07 PM

Unless the Cardinals get a Hopkins TD, get the two point conversion and the Texans get a field goal. Then we can both be happy.

Matt Weston — 6:08 PM

Now we are talking. Hopkins is on the sideline with his helmet off.

bigfatdrunk — 6:08 PM

They don’t need to throw the ball if they are getting 9 yards/rush.

Matt Weston — 6:08 PM

Yeah, there’s zero reason for Hopkins to be out there.

UprootedTexan — 6:10 PM

Lovie beard.

I feel like he can dispense some wisdom to me.

But then if he had any wisdom, he wouldn’t be our defensive coordinator.

bigfatdrunk — 6:10 PM

Inching closer to scorigami!

(Texans eleventh possession)

Matt Weston — 6:12 PM

Are you going to write the post-game Kenneth?

Matt_Robinson — 6:12 PM

Milk this clock

UprootedTexan — 6:13 PM

Stop running out of bounds you [kitten]s.

bigfatdrunk — 6:13 PM

Nobody is holding the cards in the Deshaun Watson situation. Everybody is naked.

UprootedTexan — 6:13 PM

Not sure I’d want to be naked around Deshaun Watson, but that’s just me.

bigfatdrunk — 6:14 PM

Yeah, that seems rather dangerous.

Matt_Robinson — 6:14 PM

Stephen Ross is holding Chris Grier’s [kitten]s but not exactly the same

bigfatdrunk — 6:15 PM

What was the penalty there? I am confused.

(Turnover on downs. Cardinals ball)

(Cardinals twelfth possession)

UprootedTexan — 6:18 PM

They pulled Kyler. This game is over.

bigfatdrunk — 6:18 PM

Mills (probably) finishes today 23/31, 135, 0, 0. That’s not acceptable. I don’t care if it’s a 82.1 QBR, you cannot be successful in this league averaging 4.4 ypa.

UprootedTexan — 6:19 PM

Colt McCoy sighting!

Matt_Robinson — 6:20 PM

My hopes were low this week but if you told me Monday I would be elated the Texas scored 5 points I would have given a double take

UprootedTexan — 6:20 PM

Scor-i-ga-mi ::clapclapclapclapclap:: Scor-i-ga-mi ::clapclapclapclapclap::

bigfatdrunk — 6:21 PM

Just run out the clock Zona. That’s it.

Matt_Robinson — 6:21 PM

My fiancé is gonna come home to me hammered. I’m taking a shot if this happens

TWO MINUTE WARNING

UprootedTexan — 6:22 PM

I’m hoping my wife finds me sober. Or I’m going to catch hell for driving when I shouldn’t.

Just run the clock, you don’t need any more points, just run the clock.

SCORIGAMI!!!!!

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 5 - CARDINALS 31

bigfatdrunk — 6:24 PM

WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt_Robinson — 6:24 PM

History was made

Matt Weston — 6:27 PM

My baby is going to starve this week I hope you enjoy your scorigami

UprootedTexan — 6:28 PM

You should’ve spent the 40 bucks feeding the giant baby then instead of gambling!

No game balls this week because we have a minimum threshold of seven points to give out game balls.

Okay, I’ve said enough about Sunday, now it’s your turn to kvetch. Let it all out. You’ll feel better if you do.

Go Astros!