Totally Not Fake News: Full Speed Ahead

HOUSTON, TX – The Houston Texans spent this week re-acclimating themselves back to their home field. “Almost forgot we played here,” noted one player. The team is coming off two straight road games and three of its last four on the road. This week, they play what feels like a rare home game, preparing to host the LA Rams.

“Wait, the LA Rams?” opined Head Coach David Culley. “I thought they were in St. Louis. Well, that is going to change up all of my game plan documents. Hopefully my guys didn’t get all screwed up when I emphasized that the St. Louis Rams are a dangerous team, with their veteran quarterback Kurt Warner and his high-flying squad…wait, why are you shaking your head and giving me that quizzical look?”

Our reporter noted, “Coach, you might just have your veteran quarterbacks mixed up. I think you meant Matthew Stafford.”

“Stafford? Wasn’t he that hotshot prospect from Georgia? There’s a kid with a great future,” Culley offered with a high degree of admiration and praise.

Our reporter was having issues with all of this out-of-date information, but quickly remembered that David Culley is an old-school coach, one who cut his coaching chops and play execution from the 1990s and early 2000s.

“Nothing wrong with being old-school. Hey, I bring over 40 years of coaching experience. I can’t imagine a scenario that would be beyond my experience on the football field. Just like my leadership hero from history: good ol’ Edward J. Smith,” Culley boasted.

After that speaking session, an unnamed player who just so happened to hear that exchange noted, “Oh [Easterby], he told you about Smith as well? Man, when he first told us that, we were all like “who?”. Showed us a picture of the man and all, and it didn’t initially register, but then Mills actually ran a Google Kids search on the name. After that…well, I guess everyone is different in heroes and inspiration.”

Photo by Topical Press Agency/Getty Images

“See, the culture of the team is responding. We have good character here. Once I told them about my hero, even some of the guys took that as a sign of admiration. I like the new nickname, EJ.”

“Hey, EJ!!!” shouted team leader and top Twitter swearer Brandin Cooks “You gonna get us out of here?”

“Brandin, practice ended already. You are free to go.”

“But EJ, what about getting OUT. OF. HERE!!!!”

“Brandin, as I told you, practice is over. You are free to leave and go home.”

“EJ, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT PRACTICE, I AM…”

“Annnnyyyyyywwwwaaayyyyy, moving along. I have to get back to the office to do some more work. Quite a lot of paperwork on the desk.”

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

We at Totally Not Fake News Suspect that much of that paperwork will involve reading the bios of potential new players, as the Texans are suddenly in a new wave of player upheavals. Over the past couple of weeks, the Texans released longtime LB Whitney Mercilus and veteran return man Andre Roberts. Just in the past couple of days, Mark Ingram found himself traded back to the franchise where his NFL career started. There is even talk of a massive deal involving a back-up training camp safety/4^th string QB.

“It is kinda crazy around here,” observed one unnamed veteran player. “Thought this would be a good gig. Yet, I don’t know, it is almost as if the team is changing course mid-direction. It is throwing us old guys for a loop. Okay, some of the older guys weren’t buying what EJ was selling. He was going on about sailing though adversity, and that only those of the right mindset and culture could drive through the icy waters of the NFL season. Mercilus and Roberts were like, ‘Coach, we just got our [Easterbys] kicked the last few weeks. Oh, and some of the on-field stuff…that barely worked in 2005. It ain’t working in 2021.’ Initially, Culley was fine with that, but when a couple of them dared to question the Executive Vice President of Football Operations…well, they had to go.”

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We are Totally Not Fake News wanted to hear from the man who would sign off on those trades and deals. We tried to contact the Texans front office about Nick Caserio’s whereabouts, but they indicated that he had business in New York and would not be able to contact us for a few days.

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We did possibly catch up with the Texans’ CEO Cal McNair to get his thoughts on things.

“Well, you know, I have been kinda busy, especially trying to perfect overseeing the NFL franchise and improving my hand-eye coordination for MineCraft. I guess that makes me more of a hands-off owner, but when you have a great Executive Vice President of Football Operations, well, you can just turn it over to him and let him take care of business. Mr. Easterby is always giving me good reports and very nice pats on the head.

“Still, to be fair to other personnel, I did talk with the head coach. Noticed that he was talking about one of his leadership idols. So, I listened, but then I did a little extra research. Turns out, Coach Culley’s leadership idol worked for an owner. One who inherited the family business from his father, a business that made lots and lots of money, and then, when the Dad went on to glory, the son took over. Even managed to help headline a marquee event.”

“I think that is quite the parallel. I feel like I can and will run the Texans just like this guy did, my new idol for leadership. I mean, it made such an impression that I changed my video game player name and avatar.”

Photo by George Rinhart/Corbis via Getty Images

While the Texans continue to explore their leadership models and try to figure, who, if anyone, will remain to play the rest of the games this season, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to watch and report all of the news that is fit to print. And even if it is not, we will print it anyway.