Three and Out: Rams-Texans Predictions

The Culture Champion Houston Texans (1-6) take on the Los Angeles Rams (6-1) Sunday from NRG Stadium. It is not likely to go well. The Texans are coming off a scintillating five point performance in Arizona and hope to get back on track to... whatever they are careening toward. Davis Mills will once again start for the Texans, who are presently 14.5 point underdogs at home.

Let’s see how the BRB Staff sees this one going...

Matt Weston: Rams 41, Texans 6.

The Rams have a hyper-efficient passing attack, a great deep passing game, a continuous outside zone scheme, an offense that can work from the shotgun and with 11 personnel, skill players that consistently break tackles, the league’s best interior pass rush, and a cornerback who takes away the the other team’s best receiver or a quarter of the field depending on the play call. The Texans have, well, nothing.

Hypothetically, Davis Mills could do something against a Cover Four heavy defense—since he doesn’t throw the ball downfield—by collecting out routes, curls, and comebacks down the field. But against this is an interior offensive line that’s terrible going up against the GOAT Aaron Donald and the tight fitted Sebastian Joseph-Day. The Rams have an alright run defense, but the Texans have the league’s worst run offense and can’t do anything about it.

The Rams are going to make Lonnie Johnson Jr. look foolish now that Houston has switched to Cover Three help stop the run. Tackles are going to be missed. Darrell Henderson has been added to the passing game. And the Rams don’t limp through games. They strangle, and then they decapitate.

Chris: Rams 44, Texans 6.

Halloween is the perfect day for this Texans’ house of horrors. I’m not sure exactly what horror film I would compare the 2021 Texans to, but if there is one where someone just gets bludgeoned with a claw hammer for 90 straight minutes, let’s go with that one.
The Texans can’t stop anyone, they can’t score on anyone, multiple players are openly slamming the team on social media, and one of the most Culture-hyped players on the team - Mark Ingram - his imparted Culture was SO AMAZING that they no longer needed him and sent him off for a 7th round draft pick... in 2024. Shrug?

Tim: Rams 42, Texans 3.

Since Davis Mills became the Texans’ starting quarterback in Week 3, the Texans have scored 9, 0, 22 (!), 3, and 5 points. Now Houston will play one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL that, to make things extra fun, has a very talented defense to boot. Oh, and the Texans just traded away their starting running back.

Frankly, I think I’m being a bit of a homer predicting the Texans will score any points on Sunday. Go ‘Stros.

bfMFd: Rams 45, Texans 8.

It’s like I am playing Price is Right with Diehards! But stupidly!

So, why 8 points? As friend of the blog Grunge Dave noticed, the Texans have scored 3 and 5 points the last two games, so scoring 8 would continue the Fibonacci sequence. Aside from Scorigami last weekend, these sorts of stupid things are the most fun things this stupid team has going for it.

Matt Stafford being unleashed by Sean McVay has been a glorious scene. The Rams are 2nd in ODVOA, 4th in DDVOA, and are 3rd in overall DVOA behind only the Bills and Cardinals.

On the other hand, the Houston Texans are an abyss of talent.

l4blitzer: Rams 38, Texans 9.

Good news for the Texans…they are back home. Bad news, they are playing another NFC West powerhouse. The Rams struggled against the Lions last week. Aside from the chance that the Rams might give up a big play or two from laughing at the Texans and their buffoonery, they should be locked in to take care of business. Unfortunately for the Texans, the Rams will not likely have two “trap game” performances.

The Texans are now a team in transition. Several veterans are gone and probably others will follow before the Nov 2 trade deadline. Probably should have gone with the youth movement sooner, but I suppose someone on the Texans staff decided to accept reality. However, the debris that is left will likely be unwatchable. The running game was bad with Ingram. Without him…uglier than the end state after a trap in the Saw franchise.

Keeping with a Halloween theme, the Texans are like the extras on the Walking Dead. I suspect that an actual team of George Romero-style slow zombies would offer a better fight against the Rams then the Texans will. Don’t be surprised if the Rams rotate in a lot of backups come the 4th quarter.

Mike: Rams 31, Texans 6.

Jack Easterby’s “culture” is an utter failure, and he, Cal McNair, and David Culley are all simply holding their seats until someone better comes along. Unfortunately for the rest of us who bleed battle red, that means we have to suffer through more of the worst Texans football imaginable.

The Rams will jump out to an early lead. Then they’ll get a chance to improve their middling 3.7 yards per carry on the ground to run out the clock. Davis Mills will continue to have poor footwork and stare down Brandin Cooks, who is seemingly disillusioned with this franchise and likely praying for a trade he said he wouldn’t accept not too long ago.

More ugly Houston football.

#GoStros

In summation of these predictions, I say with clear eyes and a full heart - GO ASTROS.

“Enjoy” the “game” and feel free to use the comments below to predict which method of execution the Texans will suffer on Sunday.