Hair of the Dog - Week Four (Texans/Bills)

I blame myself, really. Not for the loss, but for the fact that I could’ve done so much more with my time today. It’s not like I don’t have stuff to do. I could’ve done household projects, spent the day barbecuing like some people here, learning to tango, writing porn. The options were practically limitless.

Instead, I watched Texans football. Because I’m loyal and deeply stupid, and at least I can drink when watching football, as opposed to, say, replacing the ballast in a fluorescent light fixture in my bathroom. And I do it for y’all as much as I do it for myself.

I would like to try to highlight the positive aspects of today’s contest. But I’m at an absolute loss, so if any of y’all have a positive to contribute, I really am all ears.

So let’s get this dog on and over with so we can forget all about this nightmare game and move on with our lives.

After all, that porn isn’t going to write itself.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten” to make the thread safe to read at work. Whether you swear when reading it, however, is a whole other matter.

Enjoy (if you can)! I’ll be over here drinking.

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Carlos Flores — 11:21 AM

So, do we think that the defense can keep the Bills from scoring over 35?

[ED. NOTE: THEY DID NOT STOP THE BILLS FROM SCORING OVER 35.]

Carlos Flores — 11:54 AM

Debbie the Texan in the pregame footage, this team doesn’t have much going for it.

FIRST QUARTER

Matt Weston — 12:03 PM

WELCOME TO MY SUPER BOWL

(HOU-First Possession)

I’m sure you’ll be extremely objective in today’s game, Big Matt.

Carlos Flores — 12:04 PM

Davis Mills supposedly had Ryan Mallet-like arm strength throwing in the rain at his pro day.

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

So of course he runs for seven yards and it gets called back on holding.

CHUM!!!

Carlos Flores — 12:06 PM

So much for that grip huh?

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

LOLOL

Oh this is going to be soooooo much worse than I feared.

Matt Weston — 12:06 PM

lmao

(BUF-First Possession)

Matt Weston — 12:07 PM

Davis Mills is bad, and we are going to go through another Tom Savage saga with him

bigfatdrunk — 12:07 PM

Yup

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

PICK!

Carlos Flores — 12:08 PM

LONNIE

bigfatdrunk — 12:08 PM

Wow, he missed his receiver by a zip code.

(LONNIE JOHNSON JR. PICKS OFF JOSH ALLEN’S FIRST THROW)

Matt Weston — 12:09 PM

[kitten]it

UprootedTexan — 12:09 PM

(HOU-Second Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:09 PM

Awww…Lonnie shoulda scored. Best chance for points right now .

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

This field goal is gonna be amazing.

Carlos Flores — 12:10 PM

How could you draw there

bigfatdrunk — 12:10 PM

CHUMming their way to heaven.

l4blitzer — 12:11 PM

Wasn’t there some talk about opening up the game plan this week?

Carlos Flores — 12:11 PM

Ugly [kitten] play

(Turnover on downs. Bills ball)

(BUF-Second Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:12 PM

“Ugly [kitten] play” the new motto of the 2021 Texans

Kenneth L. — 12:12 PM

CHAOS

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

This game has the potential for being the dumbest thing any of us have ever seen and we should give thanks for that.

Kenneth L. — 12:12 PM

My stream is really really bad

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

That’s fine, Kenneth, the game’s really bad too so it’s at least coordinated.

In the meantime, someone here is causing a scene about a menu so this is going to be my sideshow.

Kenneth L. — 12:13 PM

It’s replaying the same 2 plays right now

We really are going for it??

UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

Who wants to tell him?

Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM

Hell yeah they did

Kenneth L. — 12:15 PM

Ugh

You take the damn points

bigfatdrunk — 12:15 PM

Allen dropping his elbow badly. Yeesh.

UprootedTexan — 12:16 PM

Ka’imi Fairbairn is back, the points are not a guarantee. Even from that distance.

(HOU-Third Possession)

Update: Menu guy and manager have been arguing for about five minutes straight now.

Kenneth L. — 12:18 PM

Third possession? Jeez I am just starting the bills second

UprootedTexan — 12:18 PM

OBLIGATORY BRISKET REJOIN SHOT!

Kenneth L. — 12:19 PM

Also the fact that I only have one live National game on TV is bull

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Especially since the Niners aren’t supposed to play until this afternoon, there’s no good reason for SF to only have one game going.

Carlos Flores — 12:21 PM

Had cooks for a few yards right in front of him.

Aaaaaaand there’s a pick

(Texans Intercepted. Buffalo Ball)

(BUF-Third Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:22 PM

Can’t blame the weather on that one. Horrible decision.

UprootedTexan — 12:23 PM

Also, did I mention the [kitten]hole making the scene here at BWW is a Cowboys fan?

That Bills coach looks like he just got up from his nap.

Wow, they got a stop.

Oh [kitten]it I just saw Debbie the Texan for the first time in my life and I feel like I lost brain cells.

Carlos Flores — 12:29 PM

LMAO

What a keeper by Allen

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

I think I would probably not enjoy being spun around by Lopez like I was on a Tilt A Whirl.

(Touchdown Buffalo. Bills lead 7-0)

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

Matt must be in his happy place after this drive

bigfatdrunk — 12:31 PM

Lonnie Johnson taketh. Lonnie Johnson giveth away.

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

Big Matt right now:

Oh good, menu boy is the loudest [kitten]ing guy here too.

Matt Weston — 12:33 PM

OHHH YEAH

I love when Allen hits that inside breaking route across his peripheral vision

(HOU-Fourth Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:35 PM

At some point, the Zombie Nation chant is going to fade away, but it really should not be a part of the pro game

UprootedTexan — 12:36 PM

Zombie Nation?

LOL 3rd and 21, [kitten] me.

Matt Weston — 12:38 PM

I really hate Houston’s screen game, and it’s the only throw Davis Mills can make.

(BUF-Fourth Possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:38 PM

But his grip strength in the rain!

SECOND QUARTER

l4blitzer — 12:39 PM

From White Zombie…hear it all the time at College football games, but it keeps propagating at other sporting events

I would be in favor of a running clock for this game…make it happen Goodell

Carlos Flores — 12:41 PM

Texans YPC dips to .5

David Culley: YES

YPC hits 0

Culley: YES!!

YPC hits -0.4

Culley: YEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!

MERCILUS SACK

Blast from the past!

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

Mercilus did a thing!

l4blitzer — 12:42 PM

Isn’t he up to 3 sacks this year?

Matt Weston — 12:43 PM

yep!

That’s a good five second dropback to open the door for Mercilus

(Buffalo Field Goal. Bills Lead 10-0)

(HOU-Fifth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

For some reason I want to check out that Ghosts show.

Just saw Mills’ statline and I don’t know if I want to laugh, cry, throw up, or some combination of the three.

l4blitzer — 12:49 PM

Lindsay…yeah, I am kinda done with him at RB

Matt Weston — 12:49 PM

Lindsay will never carry the ball for more than one yard

Carlos Flores — 12:49 PM

Good lord Mills.

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

I literally just laughed like a maniac.

(BUF-Fifth Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:50 PM

Boogie Basham…there’s a great name for a DL player

Matt Weston — 12:51 PM

He gets so scared in the pocket.

Kenneth L. — 12:51 PM

We look bad. He’s got to stay in the pocket

Matt Weston — 12:52 PM

That was some good Zach Methenberger

l4blitzer — 12:54 PM

All these commercials for sports gambling…maybe I was in Baptist land for too long, but I don’t entirely like the current push for increased sports/gambling interaction.

UprootedTexan — 12:56 PM

I think it’s because now a lot of these sports gambling places finally have a thing in place to capitalize since it became legal in 2018. Probably just took them some time to get up and running.

Carlos Flores — 12:57 PM

Love Zack Moss getting tackled forward by his own lineman.

bigfatdrunk — 12:57 PM

The offensive play calling by both sides has been miserable.

(Buffalo Field Goal. Bills Lead 13-0)

(HOU-Sixth Possession)

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

It feels like Daboll is just using this as a scrimmage so Buffalo can work on their run game

Justin Reid is the only good part of this defense

UprootedTexan — 12:59 PM

Remember when we had a chance to hire him and didn’t?

Matt Weston — 1:01 PM

YES

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

Bills get the Chiefs next week, so don’t want to tip your hand too much

Matt Weston — 1:02 PM

They’ll need to run the ball against KC’s 30th ranked run defense, so this is the team to work it out against

UprootedTexan — 1:04 PM

l4blitzer — 1:04 PM

Our offense today is making me long for the glorious 2016 variant…

Matt Weston — 1:04 PM

Both Cannon and Howard were worked by by bullrushes on that sack

Kenneth L. — 1:05 PM

We are getting swarmed

l4blitzer — 1:05 PM

Yardage: BUF: 150, HOU: 4

Carlos Flores — 1:05 PM

Davis Mills is taking sacks like a certain QB who will not be named.

Kenneth L. — 1:06 PM

He just looks scared

Matt Weston — 1:06 PM

I want that Mills frumble.

UprootedTexan — 1:06 PM

Frumble, young man, frumble.

l4blitzer — 1:07 PM

So long as it is as glorious as an arm punt…

(BUF-Sixth Possession)

l4blitzer — 1:12 PM

“All little bit of arrogance on the Bills’ part”…well, yeah. They are paying attention to whom they are playing (on going for it on 4th down at this time).

(TURNOVER ON DOWNS-TEXANS BALL)

(HOU-Seventh Possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:15 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Carlos Flores — 1:17 PM

Broke down laughing for the first time.

Off the helmet. GET THIS DUDE OFF THE DAMN FIELD WHERE IS DRISKEL

l4blitzer — 1:17 PM

How generous…Mills allowing the Bills to save some timeouts.

(Buffalo pick, Bills ball)

(BUF-Seventh Possession)

Matt Weston — 1:18 PM

This is the worst quarterback performance I think I’ve seen in Texans history

UprootedTexan — 1:19 PM

You mean “this is the worst quarterback performance I think I’ve seen in Texans history, YET.”

l4blitzer — 1:19 PM

That’s it!!! Culley/Kelly…time for the single wing! PLEASE!!!

Kenneth L. — 1:21 PM

This is ugly

UprootedTexan — 1:21 PM

Wishbone offense? I’m here for it.

Triple option? Why the [kitten] not?

Let’s get really nutty with it.

Matt Weston — 1:27 PM

I’d even do Ryan Finley at this point

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

LOLOLOL, I REMEMBER THAT STEELERS GAME!!!

(Buffalo Field Goal, Bills Lead 16-0)

(HOU-Eighth Possession)

HALFTIME REACTIONS

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

So I thought I’d start this off by asking y’all this question:

When the Texans started the season by bringing up “That Football Feeling” what feeling would you not want to ever experience that would still be better than what we’re experiencing here?

Also does madness count as a feeling?

Kenneth L. — 1:30 PM

Well that went about as poorly as possible. The offense looked inept. Defense is going to get gassed

Matt Weston — 1:31 PM

This is the worst start by a quarterback in Texans franchise history so far. Worse than David Carr, Tony Banks, Ryan Mallett, ad infitum

l4blitzer — 1:31 PM

Not a great sign when the best scoring option for the team was Lonnie Johnson taking the INT to the end zone. The defense is not great, but they are keeping the game somewhat competitive (wx and Bills errors helping out). This offense though…if the coaches force anyone to watch a replay of the Texans’ first half offense, they should be brought up on charges at The Hague.

Kenneth L. — 1:34 PM

They are getting behind on every possession. It’s self inflicted and then there are no and

Answers

Matt Weston — 1:34 PM

It’s not self inflicted because they are bad. This is what happens when [kitten]ny talent runs into a buzzsaw.

UprootedTexan — 1:35 PM

Okay, it’s 1:30, I think that’s okay drinking time. (It really isn’t but I’m past caring at this point)

Carlos Flores — 1:35 PM

I’m allergic to fire ants and I once stepped in a colony as a kid. My foot was swollen and looked like cauliflower. I’d dip my fun bag into a pool of fire ants if it meant we’d get TYGOD back.

l4blitzer — 1:36 PM

When watching this iteration of the Texans, drunkenness is no vice and sobriety is no virtue

UprootedTexan — 1:37 PM

Well I did make a football resolution this year to drink more during Texans games.

Oh wow, they got Beth Mowins calling the game. That’s cool.

THIRD QUARTER

(BUF-Eighth Possession)

Kenneth L. — 1:43 PM

DeAndre Carter just returned a kickoff for a TD. Welp.

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

Do you ever get the feeling the problem is us?

And by us I mean the Texans?

The ref is the best player we have on defense.

l4blitzer — 1:45 PM

Watching your team play, this is supposed to be fun, right? This should be kinda entertaining for us fans, right?

UprootedTexan — 1:46 PM

See, this is why I was advocating for hoping for bad stupid shit to happen because I’m having the time of my life watching this.

See, it’s all about expectations.

l4blitzer — 1:46 PM

You speak truth

Kenneth L. — 1:47 PM

The effort or lack of it is bad right now

l4blitzer — 1:47 PM

“An innocent 3rd and 6”…That’s a new one

UprootedTexan — 1:47 PM

See if they’re going to be garbage, whether accidental or with intentionality, they could at least have the decency of being garbage in new and entertaining ways.

Getting four yards in a half, I think, qualifies as that.

What the literal hell just happened?

LOLOLOLOL

l4blitzer — 1:52 PM

Bills really trying to increase the degree of difficulty here…but Houston can’t take advantage

(Buffalo Field Goal, Bills lead 19-0)

UprootedTexan — 1:53 PM

I don’t believe it. They’re doing the all field goal offense on US!

l4blitzer — 1:53 PM

We should sue for copyright infringement

Kenneth L. — 1:55 PM

Just saw #51 ho to the locker room.

Go**

(HOU-Ninth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:56 PM

ho probably works too.

Kenneth L. — 1:57 PM

I’m also watching the Eagles - Chiefs game. Eagles are giving them everything they can handle. If the Chiefs go 1-3 that would be immaculate

l4blitzer — 1:57 PM

Only 8yds of total offense in a half? Go to the CHUM!

We just doubled our net offensive output

UprootedTexan — 2:00 PM

First and 20 and they run up the middle with Lindsay. Sure.

Kenneth L. — 2:01 PM

[Durga] Mills get more air on the ball

Again. 1st and long. Too many times

UprootedTexan — 2:01 PM

Oh thank [Durga], we just got the blue screen of death.

Kenneth L. — 2:02 PM

Bills are running goal line defense against us on 1st and 20

(BUF-Ninth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:03 PM

Mills can only complete screen passes and outs or curls/comebacks on roll outs right to Brandin Cooks

Kenneth L. — 2:03 PM

Mills had plenty of time on that 3rd and 11

bigfatdrunk — 2:04 PM

This game has been a major letdown. Four FGs??? WTK?

UprootedTexan — 2:05 PM

They’re punking us by doing the all field goal offense against us.

l4blitzer — 2:06 PM

“You haven’t missed anything since 3:00 this afternoon” Bills broadcasters with the most honest statement of the day

Well, except the Texans’ best player on the field is averaging over 50 yds a punt

UprootedTexan — 2:09 PM

Me (in a bar full of Cowboy fans): Y’all are all bandwagoners and I hope they go winless the rest of the year!

Mrs. UT: You have no sense of self preservation, do you?

Me (pointing to Texans game): At this point, I welcome death.

l4blitzer — 2:11 PM

I see the Texans’ veteran presence continues to pay dividends…for the other team

FOURTH QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — 2:13 PM

The blue screen of death has been the most exciting moment in the game.

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

Certainly the best thing that’s happened to the Texans so far.

Kenneth L. — 2:14 PM

We are getting pummeled

UprootedTexan — 2:15 PM

I have discovered that I like Long Island Iced Teas.

l4blitzer — 2:18 PM

Just keep the clock running already!!! Even during the challenge, just run the clock

Kenneth L. — 2:18 PM

Lol UT

Matt Weston — 2:18 PM

Justin Reid is the only player on defense that provides any utility whatsoever

UprootedTexan — 2:20 PM

I sometimes forget just how much I hate Cowboys fans and then they infest my bar and I’m reminded all over again just how obnoxious they are.

(Touchdown Bills. Bills lead 26-0)

(HOU-Tenth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:23 PM

Gotta love Buffalo hitting the read pass tight end drag flight option against Houston. Bill O’Brien’s ghost still wanders these sidelines.

UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM

Oh thank [Durga], the booze is starting to make me feel fluffy.

l4blitzer — 2:27 PM

Cooks with a reception. There’s a shock

bigfatdrunk — 2:27 PM

How is that not a catch and a fumble?

They got it right.

(Texans fumble, Buffalo recovers)

(BUF-Tenth Possession)

l4blitzer — 2:29 PM

“The Texans are a disgrace”…and that is from the Bills commentators. Hard to argue based on today’s performance.

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

L-listen, I love aaaaaaaaaaaaallll you guys. So-o-o-o-oo-o much.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Go sporps!

l4blitzer — 2:31 PM

Bills, you don’t need a timeout at any point in this game. The delay of game will make no difference.

UprootedTexan — 2:31 PM

Yeah, first and goal, that scans.

(Touchdown Bills. Buffalo leads 33-0)

Matt Weston — 2:33 PM

Lonnie talking shit on a tackle downfield instead of playing the ball is too perfect

Carlos Flores — 2:34 PM

This is the most thorough [kitten] beating I’ve ever seen and it could have been even worse.

UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

I think if it wasn’t raining they probably would’ve hung a fiftyburger on us.

Carlos Flores — 2:36 PM

There’s still time

(HOU-Eleventh Possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

How will Davis Mills [kitten] this one up?

bigfatdrunk — 2:38 PM

If you consider culture, we’re still winning by a mile.

UprootedTexan — 2:39 PM

I’m gonna get a custom Texans jersey and have “Culture” as the name on the back.

l4blitzer — 2:39 PM

Culture is undefeated…meanwhile, this team barely has 50 yards of offense.

bigfatdrunk — 2:39 PM

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

DID WE TURN THE BALL OVER AGAIN?!

l4blitzer — 2:40 PM

Yep

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

I need another iced tea.

It’s good for me because there’s no sugar.

(Texans intercepted. Buffalo ball)

(BUF-Eleventh Possession)

C’mon Buffalo, put 40 on us, do it. DO IT YOU COWARDS!

l4blitzer — 2:44 PM

Meanwhile, the Titans are down 7 to the Jets…so the Texans may not even lock up the worst loss in the division today

UprootedTexan — 2:45 PM

The one thing you can say about Davis Mills is that he’s consistent.

Not consistent in any positive sense of the word, but consistent nonetheless.

Carlos Flores — 2:46 PM

MITCH TRUBISKY

GOOD LORD

l4blitzer — 2:47 PM

In his defense, he is free from the Chicago regime.

UprootedTexan — 2:48 PM

And you could probably put a coat rack in place of Mills and not notice any significant difference.

(Buffalo touchdown. Bills lead 40-0)

UprootedTexan — 2:49 PM

bigfatdrunk — 2:49 PM

Culture!

(HOU-Twelfth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:51 PM

Make it stop.

l4blitzer — 2:52 PM

I think we are facing the worst margin of defeat in team history

UprootedTexan — 2:52 PM

Second and 17 and we get a short dump off for four yards.

l4blitzer — 2:53 PM

Baltimore got us by 34 a couple of years ago. Can’t recall any other beat downs greater than 35

Matt Weston — 2:55 PM

lol that was a hysterical little jump step to try and throw the ball downfield

This was the worst QB start in franchise history

l4blitzer — 2:56 PM

Wait, I think Jacksonville crushed us 45-7 in 2017…yeah, barring a garbage time/mercy score, this will be the worst

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

I love that this franchise is almost 20 years old and we’re still making history.

(Texans intercepted. Buffalo ball)

(BUF-Twelfth Possession)

Carlos Flores — 2:59 PM

This is the worst game I’ve ever seen sports wide.

Matt Weston — 2:59 PM

Yes this is the worst loss in franchise history. Scott is right about the second worse.

UprootedTexan — 2:59 PM

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen worse, but I can’t think of them off hand.

l4blitzer — 2:59 PM

Houston broke 100 total yards of offense…Bills unhappy, but the INT helped their mood.

FINAL SCORE: DON’T [KITTEN]ING ASK. BILLS 40-TEXANS 0.

UprootedTexan — 2:59 PM

l4blitzer — 3:01 PM

Three hours of life we can never get back…and Davis Mills will still be the “best QB” option for the team next week.

Matt Weston — 3:04 PM

victory! victory! victory!

Well that’s it for us this week. I’d offer up a game ball segment but when you lose 40-0 with only 100 yards of offense to show for it, nobody gets a game ball. Save for maybe the person who made my Long Island iced tea during the game. They get a game ball.

Care to vent your spleens about the Texans game? We shouldn’t be the only ones to get in on the act. Let us know how you’re feeling!