Houston, TX – This has not been one of the best weeks for the Houston Texans. Ever since they returned from Buffalo after a game that didn’t exactly go to plan, the body language and the expressions of the team players has not been like that of previous weeks.
“The era of good feelings, the whole ‘us against the world’ mentality thing, the team culture/character thing…yeah, that is dead” observed one unnamed player. “Wow, after that final whistle on the field, we were all just racing to get back into the locker room, get out of our uniforms and get the [Easterby] out of Buffalo. That was one of those games where you just burn the game tape, sweep up the ashes, burn those ashes, sweep up the new ashes, dip them into acid, and then, just to be sure, blow it up with C4…and then probably burn whatever is left.”
“Yet, Culley was not having ANY of that!!! Man, I know the offensive line was brutalized that game, and [Laremy] Tunsil was racing for that special post-game mask, but Culley cut him off.”
We at Totally Not Fake News obtained a transcript of that session:
“Listen up you dumb [Easterby] [Easterbys]!!!! I’ve been in football for over 40 years, and I have never seen a team lie down and take it up the [Easterby] like you weak [Easterby] [Easterbys] did today!! Oh, we ain’t waitin’ until Monday to review any game film, tape, or any position. [Offensive Coordinator Tim] Kelly! Get your idiot-[Easterby] assistants ready with that game tape. We watching that [Easterby] now!!!!”
The unnamed player had to pause for several minutes “I’m sorry….I…I…I need you guys to give me a minute. The horror….The horror! We watched the whole offensive game…the WHOLE [EASTERBY] OFFENSIVE GAME!!!! I have never seen so many grown-[Easterby] men screaming, crying…oh, it was horrible. As for Culley, his eyes just grew redder with fire and rage. He just ripped everyone! Mills was crying for his Mommy. One of the LBs got up from his chair, but was immediately introduced to Culley’s new assistant, Lucille. A couple of hard-hitting sessions with Lucille, and that LB, or RB, or CB, or whichever of those overstocked positions we have, was slapped right back down.”
“He made the team watch the entire sequence of offensive plays for the team 3 times. 3 TIMES!!!! After we sat through that brutal session, we were allowed to get up and leave. So, that was an extra hour of time from our day, but Culley wanted to make a point. I think he did. Just not sure about the price.”
Practice seemed a tense, fearful affair. Culley was nearly inseparable from Lucille and they weren’t afraid to make their point on the practice field. After Phillip Lindsay only got a half-yard during one practice running play, Culley and Lucille came after him. Lindsay tried to dance away from them, but after a furious 30 second dance, he only got two steps forward before they “intercepted” him. Anthony Miller attempted to protest, but Culley/Lucille resolved that argument rather quickly. Caserio tried to plead for clemency, but Culley/Lucille could not be deterred.
As for the rest of the team, the Texans find themselves in a strange situation. The team has been outscored 95-30 since Week 1, they are down a starting quarterback and have to rely on a rookie and a career back-up (and they don’t have any other option on the roster at this time…absolutely no other option). Yet, they find themselves second in the division, only one game back of the division leader and defending division champion Tennessee. “Right where we want to be. Exceeding expectations and filling those coffers, er, seats at NRG. Got some good ratings with our prime-time game, and this will be a springboard for so much more” noted Team CEO Cal McNair.
Speaking of Week 1, the Texans have found themselves in a continued fight with Jacksonville. Rather, the fans between the two teams are constantly going at it over various social media forums. Some of the conversation got quite heated:
Texans Fans: “Man, does our team [Easterby] suck!!! Did you see that offensive performance in Buffalo? The worst 17 minutes of possession in our lives”
Jacksonville Fans: “Oh boo-hoo. You dumb-[Easterbys] actually won a game. We ain’t beaten anybody! We even have the best QB prospect in 10 years, and we can do [Easterby]! We had a game with a kick-six, and we still lost by double-digits.”
Texans Fans: “Yeah, but our only win was against y’all. Our worst team in 19 years of existence and we can’t even lose to you. Even after we have 5 running backs who collectively rush for 50 yards, an offensive line with perhaps the most draft capital in the league (counting that “wonderful” BO’B trade) and we can’t run or pass block. We are the worst in the division.”
Jacksonville Fans: “Oh please, you [Easterby] [Easterbys]!!!! We’ve defined suck in the AFC South. We ain’t been good since the turn of the 20th Century. All of our positions suck, and don’t even get us started with how we wasted the 2017 contender that was one quarter away from a Super Bowl, even with Blake [Easterby] Bortles!!”
Texans Fans: “Shut up, you meth-shooting lower-class wanna-be Georgians!!! You actually got to an AFC championship game! We couldn’t even get past a Divisional Round game, and that was with a 24-point lead!! We gave a mediocre coach the GM position and he proceeded to suck at both positions, and he wasn’t good enough to outlast the worst pastor since Jim Jones!”
Jacksonville Fans: “You want to talk to us about idiot coaches and front office people, you steer[Easterby] [Easterbys]?!?! We have the biggest bust of the off-season, Urban [Easterby] Meyer. Can’t make a good decision on the field. The only thing he seems to be hands-on with is when he is gettin’ it on with some chicks at a bar.”
Texans Fans: “Oh, you want to talk hypocrisy with leaders and morals? You’ve seen who really runs our team? A failed Joel Olsteen? Playing all them Rasputin/Littlefinger games in the front office? We clearly are the worst team!!”
Jacksonville Fans: “[Easterby] you!!! We suck MORE!!”
Texans Fans: “No, we suck MORE!!!”
This social media sparring continued for hours over various social media forums. Facebook, WhatsApp and Instagram were deluged with this. Twitter didn’t report this as all that much out of the ordinary, and the administrators at the SB Nation sites using Coral were actually upset that they didn’t even come close to that traffic level. Still, the situation threatened to get out of hand, until the man of the hour, David Culley, rode to the rescue. He uploaded the same game film he showed the Texans’ players, doing so on Monday afternoon. The response basically nuked all further debate/conversation.
On that note, the Texans, and perhaps the Jacksonville counterparts, seek to get ready for their respective opponents. For the Texans, that means they are hosting the New England Patriots. To be honest, our crack staff at Totally Not Fake News can’t quite figure out if there is a major subplot to this game, other than two 1-3 teams going at it on Sunday. Maybe there is a connection or two, but it is probably minor and of little significance to the Texans strategic thinking or the backgrounds of their leaders. Come what may, the game is slated for Sunday, and the action will be covered on and off the field (if there is anything of note for the off-the-field news).