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Hair of the Dog - Texans/Rams

The BRB gang get together to watch and vent about the Texans loss on Sunday. There might have been alcohol involved.

Los Angeles Rams v Houston Texans
Glad someone had a good day.
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Good morning. It is currently 11:06 p.m. PDT and I am only just now getting around to writing this. As yesterday was Halloween, I did not have a ton of time to turn around and write a halfway decent post about the game. Considering how the game went, it’s probably best for all parties involved that I don’t.

So instead of some diatribe about the Texans or a meandering treatise about something on television, I will simply offer you me in my Halloween costume.

Now to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make it safe to read at work.

Go Astros!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Carlos Flores — 11:10 AM

Cooper Kupp is going to have a field day today

l4blitzer — 11:27 AM

Such as optimistic day for Houston pro sports, no?

riversmccown — 11:53 AM

ah c’mon you’re literally in the World Series.

I’m a mets fan and you’re about to donate a world series to the team i hate the most, thanks

l4blitzer — 11:55 AM

Well, that would fit with the narrative around the Astros…ticking everyone outside of Houston off since 2020

UprootedTexan — 11:56 AM

I’m gonna pull a Big Matt. I’d be okay with trading the Texans going 0-for-the rest of the season if it meant the Astros won the World Series this year.

Oh fantastic. Today, we’ve got an [kitten]hole listening to his game on his phone. Without headphones. At maximum volume.

riversmccown — 11:57 AM

I’d be okay with that too

notably I’m not an astros fan

Matt Weston — 12:00 PM

Baseball is dead. I miss my 105 degree baseball stadium.

FIRST QUARTER

(Rams first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:02 PM

Wait, teams don’t have to run up the middle?

LOVIE BEARD!

Carlos Flores — 12:06 PM

That is a Kratos level beard

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

Is Cooper Kupp the most irrationally irritating name in football?

Matt Weston — 12:09 PM

Cover one? Sure put Kirksey on Kupp.

Carlos Flores — 12:10 PM

This is going to be a looooooong day

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

It’s second and goal at the three, what could you possibly be shaking hands about?!

(Rams touchdown. Rams lead 7-0.)

Matt Weston — 12:12 PM

They may not get a single stop today

Matt_Robinson — 12:12 PM

At what point do the Rams initiate the mercy rule?

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

Third quarter?

Maybe?

Matt_Robinson — 12:13 PM

50 points by then? I’ll buy it

(Texans first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

Culley said they’ll be double teaming Aaron Donald all game. This should be hilarious.

Matt_Robinson — 12:14 PM

With Max and McCray that’s more like .75 teaming

bigfatdrunk — 12:14 PM

CHUM.

Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM

I picked up David Johnson in my garbage Twitter PPR league. In RB short leagues, he could have some emergency value.

UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

The Houston Texans Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love David Johnson.

Matt Weston — 12:16 PM

I’m starting a Perine over David Johnson today, that’s how bad he is.

Matt_Robinson — 12:16 PM

I swallowed the pill and started him also

Carlos Flores — 12:17 PM

LMAO

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

LOLOLOL, two plays two penalties.

Glorious comedy.

bigfatdrunk — 12:18 PM

“Talented enough, yet.” Hilarious.

Carlos Flores — 12:18 PM

2nd and 23. No chance this converts

UprootedTexan — 12:18 PM

I learned early on that if you view this year’s Texans as the football equivalent of the TV show Veep, it’s actually one of the greatest acts on television.

Is 10 am too early to start drinking watching Texans football?

(Rams second possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:23 PM

It’s not early enough. This team gets more embarrassing every week

Matt_Robinson — 12:24 PM

How can Lonnie be that big and yet have zero physicality

Matt Weston — 12:24 PM

Lonnie has never been good. He wasn’t at Kentucky, he wasn’t at slot CB, at outside CB, at strong safety, or at free safety.

Kenneth L. — 12:24 PM

Just woke up what I miss

Matt_Robinson — 12:25 PM

Henderson jogged into the end zone

UprootedTexan — 12:25 PM

Quite possibly one of the fastest touchdowns against the Texans this season.

And about to be a second.

And they’re making it look stupid easy.

Carlos Flores — 12:26 PM

Henderson may get 200 yards today

UprootedTexan — 12:27 PM

7 plays for 63 yards and it’s taken less time than it takes to heat up a Hot Pocket to do it.

Kenneth L. — 12:27 PM

Yuck

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

The crowd at kickoff.

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball)

(Texans second possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:29 PM

There goes Shamu Kroger Bill

Matt_Robinson — 12:29 PM

Never would have thought he would be LB 1 at the start of the season

SECOND QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — 12:30 PM

Source on the picture, UT?

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

Aaron Reiss, I think?

Yeah, Aaron Reiss.

[Kitten] near fumbled that away.

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!!!

I don’t care you’re on your own 10 yard line.

(Rams third possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:34 PM

Little Astros dig there by the announcer

Kenneth L. — 12:35 PM

My uncle has the same photo

What the [kitten]. I just lost my illegal stream

UprootedTexan — 12:36 PM

If you don’t want to watch the game, you don’t have to make excuses. We’ll ALL understand.

bigfatdrunk — 12:37 PM

Is it me, or does the Mario dude look like Cal?

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

Kinda?

[Kitten] it, I’m drinking.

Matt_Robinson — 12:39 PM

I like how Brevin went down the second an arm touched him

bigfatdrunk — 12:39 PM

LJJ with yet another missed tackle.

UprootedTexan — 12:40 PM

Three penalties and counting.

Kenneth L. — 12:41 PM

That defense is puzzling

Matt Weston — 12:41 PM

I’m at 3 LJJ missed tackles so far

Kenneth L. — 12:41 PM

Who is supposed to be on him there?

Is that the LB?

Matt_Robinson — 12:41 PM

More missed tackles than INTs put that on the Twitter feed

Matt Weston — 12:42 PM

lmao Michel carries Omenihu with him on his back for the first down

Carlos Flores — 12:42 PM

The announcer sounded like he busted when Michel got the 1st

Matt_Robinson — 12:43 PM

Let’s keep in mind the Rams don’t have Whitworth. Yet Charles is just chilling in auto pilot

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

C’mon y’all know you wanna go for it.

bigfatdrunk — 12:44 PM

Higbee was open, too.

(Rams field goal. Rams lead 10-0)

(Texans third possession)

Matt Weston — 12:45 PM

Jeff Allen has logged on lmao

Matt_Robinson — 12:45 PM

Stafford is the backbone of this red zone defense

I’m dying

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

Awwwwww, he cares about us!

That’s beautiful.

Carlos Flores — 12:50 PM

What a completion to the other team

(Rams intercept the ball. Rams ball)

(Rams fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

Plays like that make me contemplate how peaceful it would be to drown.

Kenneth L. — 12:51 PM

That was horrific

Mills is awful

UprootedTexan — 12:51 PM

You know what? Let Aaron Donald get a carry for a touchdown.

Let’s really get silly here.

Matt_Robinson — 12:52 PM

I’m so over these Mills truthers. Seems pretty obvious what his limitations are

UprootedTexan — 12:52 PM

I can’t believe I entertained the possibility of him being good.

Matt_Robinson — 12:52 PM

He’s looking better than Mond RN I’ll give him that

UprootedTexan — 12:53 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, GREAT JOB HARGREAVES, YOU SAVED THE RAMS DRIVE SINGLEHANDEDLY.

Matt_Robinson — 12:53 PM

Talk about giving the “clamps”

(Touchdown Rams. Rams lead 17-0)

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:53 PM

Four penalties now, by the way.

Oh wow, another female ref, that’s cool.

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

I can’t believe I got owned by Jeff Allen. I need to call up that pineapple man to cheer me up.

Matt_Robinson — 12:59 PM

I’ll take 20 more lobs to Nico for 800 Alec

(Rams fifth possession)

Matt_Robinson — 1:01 PM

TODAY?!?!?!

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

So fifth penalty?

Oh [Durga] this team makes me want to die sometimes.

Matt Weston — 1:07 PM

4 missed LJJ tackles

Kenneth L. — 1:08 PM

Lonnie sucks

We suck

Matt Weston — 1:08 PM

I’ve been saying it for three years now

TWO MINUTE WARNING

(Rams touchdown. Rams lead 24-0)

UprootedTexan — 1:09 PM

So if history is any indication, being down 24-0 means we come back and hang 50 on the Rams, right?

(Texans fifth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:15 PM

5 possessions, only 24 points for the Rams…very disappointing. McVay going to have something to say at halftime.

UprootedTexan — 1:16 PM

NOW you take a timeout? When we’re so close to being done with the half?!

Oh. My. [Durga].

Carlos Flores — 1:18 PM

Perfect landing

UprootedTexan — 1:18 PM

Wow, a penalty against the Rams.

That would’ve been an amazing pick if it weren’t for the penalty.

Wanna take a timeout and figure out what play you want to call with five seconds left on the clock, Culley?

(Missed field goal. Rams lead 24-0)

HALFTIME REACTIONS

bigfatdrunk — 1:21 PM

In the last 12 quarters (3 full games), the Texans have scored 15 points & given up 112 points.

Since Mills became the starter (now 22 quarters), the Texans have been outscored 175-39.

It’s not just that the Texans suck: it’s next-generation suck.

UprootedTexan — 1:22 PM

Since it’s Halloween, here’s my question to start halftime:

Which fictional killer would you rather face than watching this game and what horror movie death would you experience that would still be more enjoyable than watching this game?

Kenneth L. — 1:22 PM

We are awful

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

This is worse than the expansion team. It’s soooooooooooo much worse than the expansion team. The expansion team would at least score points on occasion.

But that culture is on fleek as the kids would say.

Carlos Flores — 1:24 PM

Love the halftime guys mentioning how the Rams are perfect while leading at halftime and the Texans have lost 17 straight trailing at halftime, then saying “stick around for the second half, though!”

Matt Weston — 1:25 PM

I want the Hellraiser stretched apart my by skin and then detonated, and I’d want Leatherface to chase after me in the Texans heat while I try to survive with my mutton chops and beautiful braless 1970s sweaty hippy girlfriend.

l4blitzer — 1:27 PM

I expect that by the 4th quarter, the Rams will be putting in most of their backups. Meanwhile the Texans seem [kitten]-bent on scoring fewer points than the Astros scoring runs this weekend

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

Eleven quarters without a touchdown and counting.

Kenneth L. — 1:34 PM

This team is spooky

THIRD QUARTER

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:35 PM

How will the Rams pick off General Mills this time?

Matt Weston — 1:36 PM

hahahaha I would have given anything for Ramsey to make Houston pay for running the same quick boot

UprootedTexan — 1:37 PM

That was a quick possession.

Does anyone else imagine Davis Mills, as he’s getting swarmed by seven defenders saying “Mother” before getting taken down for a sack like in a Looney Tunes cartoon?

(Rams sixth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:39 PM

The way this game is going…he will hold up a “Help” sign right before the next sack.

UprootedTexan — 1:40 PM

I may have to do some photoshop fun when I get home with Mills in various Wile E. Coyote situations.

Our defense is softer than Jeff Allen’s feelings about a mean blog post.

Matt Weston — 1:41 PM

Lonnie Johnson tackle

(Texans seventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

Go for it, you pansies, we can’t stop you.

Although why should they, it’s not like we’re going to do anything with this possession.

34 possessions without a touchdown.

l4blitzer — 1:47 PM

Somewhere, Godsey must be thinking “Miss me now?”

UprootedTexan — 1:47 PM

Bill O’Brien is probably laughing his [kitten] off now.

Which is somehow worse.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, that sack.

(Rams seventh possession)

Matt Weston — 1:48 PM

That’s the only good thing about this season, is that it doesn’t involve Bill O’Brien

UprootedTexan — 1:48 PM

Oh lord, what did the Texans do now?

4th and 19. Sure.

Okay, I’m sufficiently drunk to watch the Texans. Let’s gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Please, someone other than me talk, I’m going to become boring otherwise.

I’m surprised they didn’t score on that bomb.

bigfatdrunk — 1:54 PM

It’s time to bring in Jeff Driskell.

LJJ is just. SO. BAD.

(Rams touchdown. Rams lead 31-0)

bigfatdrunk — 1:56 PM

It sounds like a Rams’ home game.

UprootedTexan — 1:56 PM

THAT FOOTBALL FEEELING!!!!!!!!!!1!!!111!!!!

Carlos Flores — 1:56 PM

[Kitten]. [KITTEN].

Matt Weston — 1:56 PM

OH YEAH

someone buy me a six pack of beer for being right about Johnson Jr.

UprootedTexan — 1:58 PM

[Kitten] Cal McNair, he probably confuses Rube Goldberg with Rubik’s Cube.

[CENSORED BY EDITOR BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GET SUED]

[ORIGINAL COMMENT CENSORED BY EDITOR, REPLACED BY EQUALLY [KITTEN]ING COMMENT THAT WILL PROBABLY NOT GET US SUED]

Jack Easterby looks like the world’s most interesting child molester.

(Texans seventh possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:00 PM

Max Scharping blocking Aaron Donald = LOL!

UprootedTexan — 2:00 PM

Cal McNair was too stupid for college and needed his dad to buy himself a business school so he could go to Rice. Not to an Ivy League school, but [kitten]ing Rice.

Matt Weston — 2:01 PM

Donald has to pad that 3.5 sack total

UprootedTexan — 2:01 PM

Even the Ivy League was like “I know we’re corrupt as [kitten] and responsible for at least 70% of all the evil in the world, but even we can’t take your dumb[kitten] kid, Bob.”

Wow a punt, that was fast.

Cal McNair is so stupid he would lose at Stardew Valley, a game that is literally impossible to lose at.

[CENSORED BY EDITOR BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GET SUED.]

(Rams eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:07 PM

The Texans need a mercy rule.

Matt Weston — 2:07 PM

Kevin O’Connel is going to be a HC next year

UprootedTexan — 2:09 PM

The Cincinnati Reds in 1933 went six consecutive games without scoring a touchdown. We now have something to [kitten]ing strive for!

Kenneth L. — 2:10 PM

This drive is painful

bigfatdrunk — 2:10 PM

VH3 with the great tackle angle there. Yeesh.

Matt Weston — 2:11 PM

I bet there’s going to be 5 people week 18 when they play TEN

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

Oh thank [Durga], I was worried I was going to vamp with more stuff that might get me sued.

(Rams touchdown. Rams lead 38-0)

bigfatdrunk — 2:12 PM

My [kitten], this is too [kitten] easy.

Matt Weston — 2:12 PM

Houston’s run defense is so bad that it even makes Sony Michel look good

UprootedTexan — 2:12 PM

This is a [kitten]ing embarrassment.

Matt Weston — 2:13 PM

Check out LJJ on this WOods touchdown

He’s getting close to Brooks Reed territory

(Texans eighth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

Watch the Rams decide to take pity on the Texans when they absolutely shouldn’t HANG 50 ON THEM YOU COWARDS!!!

Having one more LIIT.

Matt Weston — 2:15 PM

Suck My Kiss heading into the commercial break has been fitting for this game

(Rams ninth possession)

FOURTH QUARTER

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

Someday the Texans will win again and we will laugh and laugh...

I might not live to see it but it’ll happen.

Matt Weston — 2:21 PM

Jonathan Greenard is keeping the dream alive

(Texans ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:22 PM

The Rams aren’t even trying now. Boo.

Holy [kitten] a first down!

Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare score a touchdown here.

Kenneth L. — 2:27 PM

First Rex burkhead front this offense

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

I’d argue a garbage time touchdown shouldn’t count.

bigfatdrunk — 2:29 PM

[KITTEN]IT.

(Texans garbage time touchdown to Rex Burkhead. Rams lead 38-7)

UprootedTexan — 2:29 PM

STOP THAT!

Carlos Flores — 2:30 PM

That touchdown feels like crap

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

That’s the pity [kitten] of touchdowns.

Matt Weston — 2:32 PM

Even in garbage time they give Burkhead touches instead of Phillips

bigfatdrunk — 2:33 PM

Buddy Howell in.

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

I think if Cooper Manning had been an NFL quarterback he might have been the most insufferable Manning of them all.

(Texans tenth possession)

(Mills to Brandin Cooks Touchdown. Rams lead 38-14)

Carlos Flores — 2:38 PM

Brandin Cooks fantasy salvation

bigfatdrunk — 2:39 PM

As long as the opposing defense plays a bunch of backups in prevent, the offense has a chance!

(Rams eleventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:39 PM

This is the insidious bit, now they’re making Davis Mills look vaguely competent and thus letting the idiot Cal McNair, who is stupid and will always be stupid and intellectually lazy, think that Davis Mills is worth keeping around because “He scored two touchdowns against the Rams. That’s good, right?”

[Kitten]ing end my life, please.

Drown me in a vat of Guinness or something, oh [kitten] you Spider-Toro.

[Kitten] five minutes left in the game and I’m not sober. I don’t want to sit here any longer than I have to or my [kitten] is going to get sore.

STOP DOING GARBAGE TIME COMPETENCE, [KITTEN] YOU!

You’re confusing our pig-brained owner!

[Ed. Note: We apologize for saying Cal McNair has a pig’s brain. Pigs are highly intelligent. His is probably more along the lines of a sea cucumber. We regret the error.]

Matt Weston — 2:43 PM

I love Tim Kelly needing to go down 38-0 against backups to call any downfield shots

(Brevin Jordan Touchdown. Rams lead 38-22 after Mills runs it in for the 2 point conversion)

UprootedTexan — 2:44 PM

STOP THAT [DURGA][KITTEN]IT!

Kenneth L. — 2:46 PM

Wow we are doing the scoring!!!

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

They need to stop that immediately.

(Rams tenth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:48 PM

Well, sure. They are playing a bunch of backups and are in prevent. That’s why.

Matt Weston — 2:50 PM

Buddy Howell revenge game?

TWO MINUTE WARNING

(Texans eleventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:50 PM

We’re going to score 29 points somehow and this will serve as proof that the Texans are going in the right direction or whatever the [kitten].

bigfatdrunk — 2:55 PM

YUP. It’s all windows dressing, no meat.

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

Just let me die.

bigfatdrunk — 2:56 PM

I like how there was literally no pass rush on that drive.

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 22 - RAMS 38

GAME BALL: The only game ball goes to Marwin Gonzales. Go Astros.

So what do you think was really said about Cal McNair and Jack Easterby that couldn’t be said on here? Make your guesses below!

But seriously, please don’t sue me, I own nothing.