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BRB GroupThink: Something, or Nothing, to Look Forward to

The masthead joins together and writes about something they are excited about for the second half of the Texans’ 2021 season.

Houston Texans vs Carolina Panthers Set Number: X163811 TK1

Somehow, there are eight more games left in this football season. We are just barely halfway done with it. With eight games left, what are you most excited to watch? Is it Lonnie Johnson Jr. moving to cornerback? How about the continued evolution of Jonathan Greenard? Or could it be Tytus Howard figuring out offensive guard? Maybe you are excited for the return of Laremy Tunsil, assuming it actually happens.

This is the question I asked the masthead. These are their responses:

MATT WESTON:

I made a promise to myself that I would watch every Texans All-22 game, no matter how bad it gets, or how terrible they are. For I am the masochist who wants to punish himself for finally living the life I’ve always wanted to live. I’ve committed to it. I’m doing it. There’s nothing anyone can do to save me.

I just want to watch something, anything, interesting. It’s been a slog this year. The scheme is bad, the players are bad, they change the scheme, it’s still bad, they change out the players, and it’s still bad. All of it. Bad.

Sure, there are some bright points. Jonathan Greenard is our angler fish at the bottom of the sea who has done a great job in run defense as a 6i in a 4-3 over defense. Damn, I guess that’s the entirety of it.

I’m doing my best here. I’m excited to see Lonnie Johnson Jr. play cornerback in a Cover Three defense. Back when I was drafted, I thought that was the best role for him, and now, three years later, we may finally see it. Maliek Collins has been a plus interior pass rusher, something they needed for the last five years. He’s been dueling it out with Kamu Gruiger-Hill for the best Nick Caserio free agent acquisition. I’ve given up on Tytus Howard at guard, but I’m hoping things get terrible enough that he finds his way to tackle. Even if every offensive tackle came down with COVID-19, or were trapped in a blizzard, or a goose forced their plan to emergency land, they’d still just hire Jeff Allen to play left tackle anyways. Justin Reid playing single high is for the best. There’s an infinite number of ways football can be played, and for Houston, nearly every piece in this puzzle is misshapen.

Typically in a season like this we could at least root for the tank. The tank doesn’t matter this year though. There isn’t a for sure slam dunk number one overall prospect. The quarterbacks are all clumped together. Rooting for losses to spin the wheel first instead of third is an empty and callous thing.

Just anything, give me anything, I just want something. At least put some studs on the belt, or garlic in the blood, or essential oils while I’m splayed open. I may enjoy harm done to myself, but there has to be something that can spruce it up.

RIVERS MCCOWN:

What I’m excited for is that you give me the nachos, you give me the popcorn, and I’ll sit there. And if I fall asleep, well, I’ll just get it again the next time.

L4BLITZER:

Hmm...Where to start? Should I say I am most curious to watch and see if the Texans can figure out where they want Lonnie Johnson Jr to play, and if he can finally live up to the second round draft pick position? Or could it be the experiment to move Howard from being a competent right tackle to being a guard might sorta pay off? What of the return or Tunsil? Maybe it should be if Culley can evolve in his coaching acumen and make the right decision on a fourth down play? Or what about if the Texans can actually find a way to score double digit points away from home? There is so much to be excited about...absolutely.

Oh who am I kidding?!? This team started out as a cluster[Easterby] surrounded by a [Easterby]show inside of a dumpster fire and they have only devolved from there. You have to wonder just how this team actually won its first game of the season. A combination of divine intervention and the Jags being worse than they usually are most likely, but still...I suppose there is faint hope that they might kinda, sorta be entertaining, giving us plays like the botched fake, fake punt and the WTF interception from Taylor at the end of the first half of the Miami game. If this team can at least give us some NFL Follies-like highlights for the rest of the season, that might be quasi-entertaining. Otherwise, it is going to be a long, dark winter for the Houston sports scene.

I would say let’s get to the off-season, but the way this franchise is running things, that may not be any sort of salvation at all.

BIGFATDRUNK:

I’m greatly looking forward to this team going 0-fer the rest of the season. It genuinely excites me.

Why? Because the Texans’ 2021 season has been one giant con. A hoax. A ruse.

The front office has told the fans repeatedly, like we are small children, to trust the process and the culture. As fans, it was never our place to question the team’s plan or strategy. Big Daddy knows better, we were told. Trust us, we were chided. Competition is the key, we were promised.

Of course, none of that rubbish ever came true. After the first game, some people started buying the team’s bullkitten, but not even that burst of goodwill lasted long. Nick Caserio’s strategy of shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic turned into a single 7th round draft pick in 2035 (or whatever) and nothing more. The coaching turned out to be as kittening awful as expected.

This team, this front office, needs to enjoy the embarrassment as much as we do as fans. I want these motherkittens to be terrified to show themselves in public. No, the problems with the team isn’t all the current regime’s fault, but they have spent a lot of time kittening down our backs and telling us it’s raining.

Lose ‘em all, suckers.

MIKE BULLOCK:

Absolutely nothing.

The Texans team leadership has taken anything even remotely exciting about the on-field product and beaten it into oblivion.

Rooting for them to lose so they can get a high draft pick is about the only vaguely “exciting” thing left of this season. And, knowing the Texans, they’ll screw the draft pooch royally when April rolls around.

Watching a rebuild with a team that has competent leadership is one thing. Watching your favorite sports franchise made over in Jack Easterby’s image is akin to standing by while your most beloved Houston landmark is torn down and replaced with a Walmart that only sells “Culture” motivational posters.

In the midst of all that, the only shred of hope worth clinging to is the fictional belief that this is all a ruse by the McNairs to make the team look good on a balance sheet so they can sell it. And that’s most certainly the fan base equivalent to fool’s gold.

CARLOS FLORES:

I don’t think I’ve ever felt “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” as much in my life as I have watching the Texans this season.

This team is rotting from the inside out. The football isn’t fun to watch, at least from our side. This season has given me the flexibility to invest in other teams and largely focus on my fantasy prospects this year. I’m top in most of my leagues, except the one I want to win the most.

I’m excited to see opposing teams dunk on this squad. They deserve every second of it.