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Jack Easterby and the Culture Factory

Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three...

Welcome, welcome, welcome! I’m Jack Easterby and you lucky five Texans fans have won the chance for a private tour of my culture factory!

This is where all the magic happens! And for you, you lucky few, you get to rub your lucky faces in it, all up close and personal!

(Crowd mumbles ambivalently)

That’s the spirit! Now let’s walk! We have much to do and less time to do it in.

Toro 1: But how are we supposed to fit in that hallway? It’s so small?

Jack: There’s plenty of room for all of us here! You just gotta believe you can fit in there and you will!

Jack: Now take a look at this.

(Flips down lock)

This is a musical lock. Behind this door is the central core of my entire operation.

Musical Lock: State your name.

Jack: Jack Easterby.

Musical Lock: Please enter the pass song, Mr. Easterby.

Jack (full-throated): IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN HOUSTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...

(Crowd groans)

Musical Lock: Access granted. Sigh...

Jack (turns to crowd): Behind this door is the heart and soul of the nerve center of the entire operation.

(Door opens)

Behold, the wonders of my culture!

(Crowd mumbles in wonder)

Ladies and gentlemen
Boys and girls
The culture room.

Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of pure manipulation
It’s been built, you will see
Upon my indoctrination
Come on in, and you’ll grin
Through my cultural saturation
Or you will face excommunication

If you want to build paradise
Simply trick a rube into it
Anything I want, I do it
Want to run a team?
There’s nothing to it

Do you hear crystal clear
There will be zero negotiation
In this world you will see
Only what I wish to be

Toro 1: What is this?!

Jack: This! This this this is pure, raw, unrefined culture. The waterfalls actually agitate the culture and strengthen it.

Toro 1: This?!

Toro 1: This is the culture?!

Jack: Is there a problem?

Toro 1: Well yeah, it’s um...it’s...

Jack: It’s what?

Toro 1: It’s...

Toro 3: Poop! It’s just poop! A river of poop!

(Jack looks at the river)

Jack: Noooooooooo. No way. That is 100% rich and creamy, raw, unprocessed, unrefined culture.it may not look like much right now, but soon that will be extracted, dried, purified and shipped to every happy Texans fan in the world.

Toro 2 (under breath): Not too many of those right now.

Jack: I’m a trifle deaf in this ear. Could you say that again?

Toro 1: It does look an awful lot like poo—I mean, sewage.

Jack: Don’t be ridiculous! Here, take a look for yourself!

Toro 1: Help! Help! I can’t swim! Oh god, the smell! It’s in my nose!

Toro 4: Aren’t you going to help?!

Jack: It’s too late. He’s already tainted the culture.

Toro 1: It’s a great day to be a Texan! You can’t go wrong by doing what’s right! We’re here to lead this team the Texans way!

Toro 5: He’s going to drown!

Jack: Not a chance. That current is way too fast. Guess I’ll have to call in my underlings for assistance.

Toro 2: What are THEY?!

Jack: They’re Caloompas.

Toro 4: They look just like Oompa Loo—

Jack (puts hand over Toro 4’s mouth): Shhhhh, you trying to get us sued? Yes, Caloompas! I personally saved them from a life of suffering and gave them a purpose.

Toro 3: Which is?

Jack: Producing my culture, of course!

(to Caloompas) There is a contaminant in the culture. Go downstream and fish him out.

(Caloompas head to river’s end)

Jack: Stop.

(Caloompas stop and turn)

Jack: Aren’t you forgetting something?

(Caloompas slump)

Jack: You owe us something, don’t you?

(Caloompas nod glumly)

Jack: Well, start dancing, monkeys.

Oompa loompa doopidy doo
We’ve got fantastic news for you
Oompa Loompa doopida dee
You’re gonna love it, we guarantee

We’re gonna build a culture of vict’ry
It’s gonna be great, you just gotta trust me
We’re doing it the Texans way
And you will see it each Sunday
Please do not blame me for it

Oompa loompa doopidy da
If you’re not greedy, we will go far
We will live in happiness too
Mostly just me though, not doopidy you
Doopidy you

Jack: Time to keep moving. If you’ll follow me, you’ll see what we do with all that rich, pungent culture that dumb kid just corrupted.

Jack: This is the condensing room. All the culture you saw outside gets pumped and squeezed and sanitized and rolled into the culture you see in the Texans today. Isn’t it something?

Toro 4: Yeah, that’s a word, all right.

Jack: This is where all the new experiments we do with the culture take place. Such as THIS.

(Toros all gather)

Toro 5: What is that?

Toro 2: It’s condensed culture!

Jack: Sure is. This, my friends, is our latest invention, a condensed version of our culture which we can then feed to fans and players individually. It transforms whoever eats it. In fact we were just about to run a test on this prototype. Wanna watch?

(Toros all nod excitedly)

Jack: Please welcome our test subject, DeAndre.

Toros: Wooooooooooooow. He’s tried the culture already?

Jack: Not yet, but he will right now. DeAndre, if you would please pop this in your mouth and tell me what you’re feeling.

DeAndre Hopkins: Sure thing.

(DeAndre takes the culture)

Toro 4: What’s it like? What’s it like?!

DeAndre: It’s...interesting. It feels like Sunday mornings at home in South Carolina with my mom. Kind of a nice feeling.

Toro 2: Cooooool. What else?

DeAndre: I’m not so sure about this next part. It’s kind of acrid and tastes funny. Like eating shoe polish that’s been left on a radiator.

Toro 3: I’m not so sure I like the sound of that.

DeAndre: What’s...happening to me?

Toro 4: YOU’RE CHANGING!

Jack: See, I told you. It’s that cultural shift that will soon be brought to everybody.

DeAndre: Make it stop. I don’t want this anymore, stop!

David Johnson: Wow, what a trip. This culture is amazing, Jack.

Jack: Yes! A smashing success!

Toros (look at Jack): What. Did. You. Do?

Jack: Me? I brought out the hidden greatness within him all along. Isn’t that right, David?

David: Darn right.

Jack: Language, David.

Toro 2: I think I’m gonna be sick.

(Toro 2 faints)

Jack: Guess some people can’t handle such an amazing achievement. Oh, well.

(Caloompas arrive)

Jack: Would you please take this poor overwhelmed soul into the infirmary? Make sure they get a dose of culture to perk them up too.

(Caloompas rush off)

Jack: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance.

(Caloompas groan)

Oompa loompa doopidy doo
I’ve got more terrific news for you
Oompa loompa doopida dee
When you fin’lly hear it, you will agree

Talent is fine with the right contracts
But culture is more important, that’s just facts
Those that don’t fit it need to be gone
We do not need to keep them on
Not even for the draft picks

Oompa loompa doopidy da
If you fit the culture you will go far
You will live in happiness too
If you trust us to do what we will do

Jack: Right through here is our coach incubation chamber. We spend all year and countless millions of dollars to develop the world’s finest football coaches. They will mesh seamlessly with our delicious and creamy culture. It’s our attempt to synergize our football brand with our cultural acumen. If you look right here, you’ll see some of our coaches just waiting to be hatched.

Toro 5: Why are the eggs gold? And why are coaches hatched from eggs?

Jack: You ask too many questions.

Toro 3: How do you create these eggs?

Jack: You see those geese?

(Toros nod)

Jack: We sequenced Bill Belichick’s DNA when he wasn’t looking and injected it into those geese. So that whatever eggs they lay will have his football genius automatically spliced into them.

Toro 4: Is that legal?

Jack: I don’t know. It’s legal enough for vice presidential work, and honestly, I think the Caloompas have fun with it.

(Caloompas all sigh)

Jack: Oh! Look! (points) One of the coaches is about to hatch right now! This so rarely happens when people are here, look!

(Egg hatches)

David Culley: We’re gonna put move Tytus Howard to guard, Lonnie Johnson to safety and then back to corner, and we’re gonna kick the tires on Jeff Driskel as a tight end.

Toro 3: This is what your system produced? This guy? Millions of dollars and years spent and this is what came of it?

Jack: Is there a problem? Looks to me like our efforts were a complete success.

Toro 3: I can’t do this.

Toro 5 (reaches out to Toro 3): Come on, it’s not—

Toro 3: It IS that bad! All I wanted was a coach who knew what he was doing! One that might be able to win. I want a coach who can turn this team around now! I don’t care how, I want one now!

Toro 4: Maybe he’ll turn int—

Toro 3: NO! I want him now, no more waiting, no more “this could be the guy,” I want him now!

Jack: This is him, though! This is the guy!

Toro 3: You could’ve gotten Eric Bienemy or Brian Daboll or even Brandon Staley. But we got a coach fresh from an egg! I want one who can win now!!!! Don’t care how, I want it nooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwww...

Jack: They need to be more attuned to our culture. So impatient. You hate to see it, don’t you, guys? Guess we gotta clean up another mess.

(Caloompas arrive)

Jack: Would you go and drag him out of the garbage chute? Assuming they didn’t fall into the incinerator first? We don’t need that kind of negativity or stinkin’ thinkin’ in the factory. Now dance for me, underlings!

Oompa loompa doopidy doo
We’ve got a brand new head coach for you
Oompa loompa doopida dee
Give him a chance just watch him and see

What do you need from the coach of a team?
A cultural fit or an offensive scheme
This passing game coach was worth a look
We don’t care if he’s just a rook
As long as
As long as
As long as
As long as
As long as he’s a culture fit

Oompa loompa doopidy da
If you just trust him he will go far
We don’t need to prove it to you
Watch what we will doopidy doo

Jack: Next on our tour, this room is home to our latest venture.

Jack: This is our top secret new broadcasting system for wider distribution of our culture. This way, fans and players don’t even have to visit the stadium to experience that football feeling, they can do it from the comfort of their homes. Once we have refined our culture to 100% purity, we use this super-camera to send it thousands of miles away in the blink of an eye.

Toro 4: Woooooooooooooow...

Jack: Would you like a demonstration?

Toro 5: Definitely.

Jack: Watch and wait.

[Epilepsy Warning: GIF below contains bright flashing lights]

Toro 4: What just happened?

Jack: We just transported thousands of fans who were not a fit for the delightful culture we are cultivating here.

Toro 4: You what? Why?

Jack: To make them less of an obstacle to our ultimate goal.

Toro 5: Which is what?

Jack: Our culture. The culture is everything.

Toro 4: I...I want to go home.

Jack: But the tour’s not over yet.

Toro 4: It is for me.

Jack: What are you doing?!

Toro 4: Lights, camera, action!

[Epilepsy Warning: GIF below contains bright flashing lights]

Toro 5: He’s...gone.

Jack: Welp, guess that’s it for the tour. Guess I should send the Caloompas out to look for him.

Jack: You know what to do, minions.

Oompa loompa doopidy doo
I’ve got another update for you
Oompa loompa doopida dee
Great day to be a Texan, yes sirree

What do you get when your fans are all brats?
Leaving the team like a ship full of rats?
Blaming the team is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who’s to blame
The TV and the Internet

Oompa loompa doopidy da
Give us your money, we will go far
If you can show some patience too
While we go and do whatever we do

Jack: Please see yourself out. I’ve completely wasted my day.

Toro 5: Um...Mr. Easterby?

Jack: What? I’m quite busy.

Toro 5: I...I just wanted to say I believe in the culture and I think you have us on the right track.

Jack: You...do?

Toro 5: Yeah.

Jack: Then how would you like to build the culture with me?

Toro 5: It would be an honor, sir.

Jack: Do you know what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted?

Toro 5: No, what happened?

Jack: He lived happily ever after.

THE END