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Totally Not Fake News: The Horror...The Horror...

We have such sights to show you...

Los Angeles Rams v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Tuscaloosa, AL – It is a bit unusual for Totally Not Fake News to wander down to this part of the world, but we have been following a rather intriguing story currently based out of this city. Most would probably know of this location mainly due the classic Groucho Marx routine, but we understand that a segment of the population tends to associate this city with a college football team. Currently, that football team sits at 9-1 and is seen as a contender for the National Championship. Much of that success rests on the body of work provided by freshman phenom Bryce Young, who, in turn, is being mentored and educated by an offensive coordinator that some may know from a previous life.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 04 Chick-Fil-A Kickoff Game - Miami v Alabama
Can’t quite place it, but this chin looks familiar...
Photo by Rich von Biberstein/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

“Yes, I think that Bryce Young is playing well and is honestly trying to be the best quarterback he can be for the Alabama football team, the University of Alabama, and the great state of Alabama,” observed offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien. “This kid has been doing some incredible work and does it all for the team. Of course, he is not perfect, and we have work to do at times, but I like where this kid is going.”

One might think that being armed with a talent like Young, as well as a team stocked full of the best prospects in the nation, would leave Bill O’Brien content with life, but as you can imagine, there is always something. “Coach Saban is still mad about that LSU game. 6 yards rushing…for the game, against LSU!!! Wow, was Saban mad. Well, I will admit that I gotta coach better, do a better job of coaching up the offense. Okay, I don’t have near as much blame to take, er, work to do as Doug Marrone, my bitc…er, colleague, from the NFL.”

With that remark about the NFL, we did have to ask if BO’B (it is still BO’B, right…yes? Okay, good.)…anyway, we asked O’Brien about whether or not he still follows his previous team. “No need. I know exactly how they are doing. In fact, you might say that I ensured I would know how they would end up doing.”

When asked if it had anything to do with any previous personnel moves when BO’B was dual-hatted as general manager and head coach, the Alabama offensive coordinator quickly dismissed such questions. “Next question.” So, our reporter followed up with how BO’B knew that the Texans would be in their current state.

“You see, right after [Cal] McNair decided to fire me, ‘cause he was too impatient and he was listening to that conniving [Easterby] Jack Easterby, I left them a gift. It was a special ‘magic’ box, one that I told them they could open after I left. Well, they got rid of me, and Cal gets bored after five minutes without a game console…I guess they opened the box.”

“How do you know that?”

“You notice how nothing has gone right for that franchise since I left? They are 5-16 since my untimely firing. They suck on defense. They suck on offense. Their personnel moves are all going to hell. They chased off the franchise icon. Their franchise quarterback is in limbo. No one is going to their games and they are just all kinds of bad. The curse is so bad, it is even impacting the alumni of the team, as anyone associated with the Texans after I left are just up and cursed.”

“What sort of box is this?”

BO’B just smirked. “Doesn’t matter, Brian. Gotta get ready for Arkansas. Gotta blame Doug…er, get the running game going in that one.”

We decided to race back to Houston to see just what was going on. What sort of box was BO’B talking about? We secured an interview with Cal McNair, using, uh, unique means.

“Hey, you don’t look like a group of elementary school kids from Freeport? Thought I was gonna whoop them in “Mario Kart.” Anyway, what do you want? You’re interrupting my gaming time.”

When we filled McNair in on the situation, he seemed to come to a realization. “Oh, yeah, I remember. I was bored, having listened to Mr. Easterby go on about some sort of speech about the victory of the Almighty or whatever. Anyway, I saw this box thing that BO’B left. Figured what the hey? So, I was playing around with it. Had trouble at first, but soon, spun the little circle, the thing clicked, shifted, and suddenly, a lot of blue light and then, some people came through.”

What a thoughtful parting gift from BO’B.

“They seemed all scary and stuff, the whole ‘you opened the box. We came’ and ‘We will tear your soul apart’ thing. A little disconcerted. Then Mr. Easterby started to talk to them. At first, they seemed impassive, but then Easterby started to bust out his best sermon lines, and the lead guy, or cenobite, I guess...Anyway, he was all, ‘No, there is suffering too much even for Hell!’ and they just up and disappeared.

Tear Your Soul Apart
Guess the word of Easterby was just too much for this one...
Photo by Murray Close/Getty Images

“I mean, I guess you see where you might think we were cursed or something.” Coach David Culley opined. “Being the movie fan that I am, I see where you might think that we are in a horror movie, given how things have played out since the other guy left. Things do seem to have been a bit rough around here. However, I think we are in a good place. Our scoring totals having improved on the road every single game. Okay, we thought we knew what was going to happen with Tennessee, after this super-duper above top secret game plan was intercepted, but with a couple of their players out, it may not quite work that way.”

“Right now, you can check out our secondary working on their running drills.”

“Oh, and Davis Mills got a chance to rest after that six-game stretch. Think he got a little beat up during that time.”

“Coach, are you sure? You don’t think you are cursed?”

“Nah, we’re fine.”

“Coach, are you sure?”

Initially, Coach Culley gave our reporter a quizzical look. However, he collected himself, and then invited our reporter to come out to the field. The reporter seemed okay with that…at least until he saw the special “coaching stand” the team leadership had set up.

In a completely unrelated note, we are now in the market for a new beat reporter. Any takers?