Hair of the Dog - Texans/BESFs I: We All Saw That Coming Edition

There are two ways of looking at the Texans winning against the hayseeds out east on Sunday.

The first is that you can lament the possibility of falling further behind Detroit for the top overall pick in next year’s draft and wish the Texans had (gulp) lost to the BESFs.

The other is to bask in the glow of embarrassing a team you hate and gloating that your terrible team defeated their so-called Super Bowl contender and never trailed at any point in the game.

Were this any other team the Texans faced, the first option would be perfectly valid and understandable. This is not any other team though. These are the Baby Eating Sister [Kitten]ers. They, their owner the scion of Satan, and their fans do not deserve happiness ever, in any way shape or form.

In fact, since Thursday is Thanksgiving, if you have relatives from Tennessee coming, it is your moral obligation to lock the door and pretend you’re not home when you arrive. If they call, tell them you’re out running errands and will be around to let them in just as soon as you’re done. What errands? Make something up. You have to take the dog to ballet practice. The car just threw up franks and beans despite not having a digestive system and the mechanic just called in a priest because he has no idea what to do.

Be creative, just do not let them cross your threshold, as they tend to be like vampires only their weaknesses are deodorant and sobriety.

Now that that’s done, let’s get to today’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. Though most of us will be off for Thanksgiving so you can read it then, while you’re ducking your Tennessee relatives.

Fortunately, I don’t have any Tennessee relatives, my family has higher standards for their relations than to let that happen. But if I did, I would not let them into my house either. Mostly because I’ll be in Vegas for Thanksgiving gorging on booze and bar food.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Matt Weston — 12:02 PM

I got the baby all on my own today. I’ll do everything to keep this running.

l4blitzer — 12:02 PM

Culture victory, we win the coin toss

Carlos Flores — 12:02 PM

Currently in the middle of nowhere New Mexico on the way up to Colorado Springs. Stream is not loading out here so y’all are my eyes and ears

FIRST QUARTER

(BESFs First Possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:02 PM

We will feel the pain before you do.

bigfatdrunk — 12:04 PM

This game is proof that Durga hates us.

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

That which does not exist cannot hate

bigfatdrunk — 12:05 PM

The BESFs can’t convert 3rd downs! Converts a 3rd down.

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

A minute and a half for our first penalty of the game.

Working faster than usual.

l4blitzer — 12:06 PM

I’m shocked to hear the Texans gave up a 3rd and long

Guess the work on discipline during the bye week also paying off…for the other guys

Matt Weston — 12:08 PM

Adrian Peterson sucks so much lol

Dontrelle Hilliard working Houston is a reversion of the trinity

UprootedTexan — 12:09 PM

Oh wow, a penalty NOT against Houston. That’s novel.

bigfatdrunk — 12:09 PM

Cowards.

l4blitzer — 12:09 PM

You can do that? You can have other teams doing that?

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

Honest to [Durga], I thought that was going to be a fake punt there. It felt in my bones like it was going to be a fake punt.

Matt Weston — 12:10 PM

lol you don’t go for it on 4th and 7 when you can pin this crappy offense back

(Texans first possession)

Matt Weston — 12:11 PM

I’m still laughing at Carlos trying to trade me Javonte Williams for Christian McCaffrey after I offered McCaffrey for Tyreek Hill and Williams.

UT, they are saving the fake punt for when they play NE

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

Oooooooooh, Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett? I’ll be sure to put that on my “to don’t” list.

May the power of the CHUM bless and keep you always.

Carlos Flores — 12:13 PM

LOL come on, Williams will be the number one guy in Denver when Gordon passes on. McCaffrey might be turning into saquon injury-wise

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM

“Passes on?” Did you put a hit on him or something?

Carlos Flores — 12:14 PM

Tyreek Hill will be Mahomes no.1 in perpetuity, can’t give that up. Also, possibly. Pulled a Nancy Kerrigan

l4blitzer — 12:15 PM

Off the bye, the David Johnson show

With a Taylor scramble

UprootedTexan — 12:16 PM

And we’ve got a dead lineman.

Tytus hurt.

Matt Weston — 12:17 PM

Doesn’t matter Carlos. Same thing with McCaffrey who is a top 3 RB who got hurt carrying the entire CAR offense, which he doesn’t have to do anymore.

I guess that answers if Howard will ever move to offensive tackle.

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Well I guess it wasn’t that serious if Howard’s still out there.

l4blitzer — 12:20 PM

Is…is the offense matriculating that ball up the field…on the road???

UprootedTexan — 12:20 PM

Seeing that Nickelodeon Slime Time thing leads me to wonder: Do you think anybody would notice if we turned off the game and just started commenting on random episodes of “Legends of the Hidden Temple” instead?

Enjoy it, who knows when we’ll see it again.

Aaaaaaaaand it’s going back.

Penalty Counter: 2

l4blitzer — 12:23 PM

Glad you’re back in the game Howard, but that is not how you should signal your return

Matt Weston — 12:24 PM

All this David Johnson IZ running is a lot of fun.

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

Would anybody blink now if Culley called for the punt here? I know they’re not, but would you blink if they did?

STOP THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is good. Texans lead 3-0)

l4blitzer — 12:29 PM

Would be some super Culley strategery

(BESFs Second Possession)

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

The Houston Texans…the fountain of youth for aging opposing running backs

UprootedTexan — 12:32 PM

Adrian Peterson is hitting Texans defenders like they were his children.

(Grugier-Hill intercepts Tannehill! Texans ball!)

(Texans second possession)

Matt Weston — 12:37 PM

Gruiger-Hill is good

Him and Maliek Collins have been the best Nick Caserio signings

l4blitzer — 12:38 PM

Couldn’t score on the pick? Gruiger-Hill is hereby fired. Gotta score on the pick, especially with this team on the road

UprootedTexan — 12:39 PM

Don’t worry, we’ll get those sweet field goal points. It will not have been in vain.

SECOND QUARTER

l4blitzer — 12:40 PM

“Best game time atmosphere” uhh…for the Texans??? You might be speeding there…

UprootedTexan — 12:41 PM

That would’ve been a hell of a catch if it had been in bounds.

Matt Weston — 12:42 PM

Nico Collins Red Zone targets are the fun thing we’ve all been opening drawers and looking under the bed for.

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

Wait, they challenged that?!

[Durga], BOB made better challenges than that.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is good. Texans lead 6-0)

(BESFs Third Possession)

Matt_Robinson — 12:47 PM

Cant believe I almost missed Culleys first challenge. How historic

(Texans third possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:48 PM

GLORY TO ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!

David Johnson actually caught something.

What the hell, we’re the ones who are supposed to get all the penalties.

Matt_Robinson — 12:55 PM

What a catch from the most expensive 3rd down back in football

UprootedTexan — 12:55 PM

LOL

Looks like it’s raining pretty hard in Nashville. Maybe it’ll flush some of these fans into the Cumberland with the rest of the turds.

Oh wow, I forgot Rex Burkhead existed.

Oh, I’m sad now. Last road TD was in week 2? Ugh...

l4blitzer — 12:58 PM

Ah man…I was looking forward the Scharping getting a reception. Ah well

(Tyrod Taylor with the running/flying touchdown! Texans lead 12-0)

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

Taylor with the leer jet

Matt_Robinson — 12:59 PM

TY[GOD] IS BACK

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

the anti Rosencopter

UprootedTexan — 12:59 PM

Tayleer Jet?

Matt Weston — 12:59 PM

LOVE IT

Joe Critz — 1:00 PM

TYROD IS BACK OH MY [DURGA]

l4blitzer — 1:00 PM

A road touchdown??? Strange times…but we missed the extra point, so there is normalcy after all

Matt Weston — 1:00 PM

Oh [kitten] Oh no Joe is going to jinx it

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

Do not get addicted to extra points, it will take hold of you and you will resent their absence.

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

What do you mean going to jinx? This team is protected by the power of the Easterby. No curse/jinx/prayer/miracle can alter that destiny

(BESFs Fourth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:02 PM

My son just now: “If you’re a BESF fan, how are you not embarrassed?”

UprootedTexan — 1:02 PM

Penalty Count: 3

Does he call them BESFs too?

If so, that’s all-star parenting right there.

l4blitzer — 1:03 PM

Wow…the commentator just made a reference that the last TD the team scored on the road was back before the Astros even clinched the AL West

UprootedTexan — 1:03 PM

I want to die now, thank you.

l4blitzer — 1:04 PM

You follow the Texans, you are probably already dead like the rest of us

bigfatdrunk — 1:04 PM

As much as I hate this iteration of the Texans, motorboating the BESFs will never get old.

FOREMAN REVENGE GAME.

UprootedTexan — 1:05 PM

I miss you D’Onta. Please come home. We can make it work again.

Matt_Robinson — 1:06 PM

Nothing sums up BoBs evaluation skills more than a released Foreman leaping over an overpaid Eric Murray. Poetry in motion

Matt Weston — 1:06 PM

It’s so dumb that Mike Vrable plays Peterson more than Foreman.

Zach Cunningham screaming past Ben Jones to make the TFL is pretty sick.

l4blitzer — 1:07 PM

Guess Vrabel hasn’t completely forgotten his Texans’ roots then

UprootedTexan — 1:07 PM

No kidding, that was a CHUM to beat the band.

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball)

(Texans Fourth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:08 PM

Kitten awful play call. BOB flashback.

Matt Weston — 1:09 PM

The [BESFs] are 1-5 on 3rd down and 0-1 on fourth down. The play call isn’t awful, giving it to Adrian Peterson is what is. [Durga] he sucks.

l4blitzer — 1:09 PM

At this rate, every single word of Vrabel’s halftime speech would be censored if anyone tried to broadcast it

Carlos Flores — 1:10 PM

Crossing into New Mexico put me in a blackout for the Texans game. Durga straight up does not want me witnessing this train wreck

bigfatdrunk — 1:11 PM

Slow developing CHUM on 4th down is always an terrible call.

UprootedTexan — 1:11 PM

Should I count a penalty against Houston if it gets declined?

bigfatdrunk — 1:12 PM

Yes.

UprootedTexan — 1:12 PM

TWO MINUTE WARNING

Matt Weston — 1:12 PM

It’s an inside run against a terrible run defense when you have one of the better run blocking offenses in football. There’s context. There isn’t a blanket of decision. It was slow developing because Peterson has a gray brain.

UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM

Penalty Count: 4

Matt_Robinson — 1:14 PM

Free Dontrell Hilliard

UprootedTexan — 1:14 PM

Penalty Count: 5

bigfatdrunk — 1:15 PM

Defenses are crashing the middle on 4th.

UprootedTexan — 1:15 PM

PUT JEFF DRISKEL IN AT TIGHT END YOU COWARDS!

Matt Weston — 1:15 PM

yeah that’s why quarterback sneaks never work on 4th down

l4blitzer — 1:15 PM

Penalties might be in single digits trending towards double, but the culture count is ♾

Matt_Robinson — 1:15 PM

OMG THAT TYTUS HOWARD JAB MADE ME SPIT TAKE

Just casually jogging through the second level

(BESFs Fifth Possession)

Matt Weston — 1:20 PM

All of this Dontrelle Hilliard action is making my brain melt

UprootedTexan — 1:20 PM

BEERCAN!

Penalty Count: 6

l4blitzer — 1:24 PM

Offsides on a spike…welcome to the 2021 Texans

Matt Weston — 1:24 PM

lol intentional grounding

HALFTIME REACTIONS

(Texans receive to start the second half)

Matt Weston — 1:24 PM

Unbelievable

David Culley homecoming game voodoo

UprootedTexan — 1:25 PM

I have a very bad feeling about the second half.

l4blitzer — 1:26 PM

We have just witnessed the dumbest 30 seconds to end a half in NFL history. Prove Me Wrong…

UprootedTexan — 1:26 PM

And Detroit needs to get its [kitten] in gear and win a game for once.

bigfatdrunk — 1:28 PM

It’s amazing how much stupid football we are subjected to. Tim owes us battle pay.

Matt_Robinson — 1:29 PM

Jaw is on the floor

UprootedTexan — 1:31 PM

I’m so confused by this game.

Which is why I think we’re gonna get Thanos’d in the second half.

l4blitzer — 1:33 PM

This game is even dumber than I dreamed. Too bad 13-12 isn’t a score-a-gami.

THIRD QUARTER

(Texans Fifth Possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:39 PM

Bex Rurkhead did a thing.

bigfatdrunk — 1:42 PM

For me, Burkhead represents everything wrong with the Texans. What a waste of a roster spot.

Matt Weston — 1:42 PM

Who is the better representation of Texans culture? Burkhead or Amendola?

Do you hate him more than Amendola?

Matt_Robinson — 1:42 PM

Amendolas pressers are something to behold

bigfatdrunk — 1:42 PM

Tied.

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

While he was still with the team, I would’ve said Vernon Hargreaves.

Matt_Robinson — 1:43 PM

Which player did Burkhead get released again?

Matt Weston — 1:43 PM

NE

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

No, who got cut so Burkhead got a roster spot?

Matt_Robinson — 1:45 PM

The rain just made a fool of Harold Landry

UprootedTexan — 1:45 PM

Go for it you cowards!

Matt Weston — 1:46 PM

I guess Ryan Finley

UprootedTexan — 1:46 PM

WHY ARE YOU CHALLENGING THIS?!

bigfatdrunk — 1:47 PM

Clueless. Go for it, cowards. Don’t risk the timeout. My [kitten]ing [kitten].

Matt Weston — 1:47 PM

Just go for it lol don’t waste the time out

Matt_Robinson — 1:47 PM

Taking game management to new record breaking lows

Gosh I need to keep track of all these. This is gonna be the talking point post-season

UprootedTexan — 1:49 PM

Of course the call stands! What a [kitten]ing waste of a timeout.

bigfatdrunk — 1:49 PM

Lol!

Matt Weston — 1:49 PM

[Durga] bless David Culley

lol run up the middle on 4th and short

UprootedTexan — 1:50 PM

Culley, I love you, I love that you’re stealing from the pigbrained idiot who wouldn’t know his [kitten] from the Ship Channel Bridge, but you could’ve done that before challenging that!

Matt Weston — 1:52 PM

I have to add this is another game where the Texans aren’t missing Laremy Tunsil at all.

(BESFs muff the punt, Texans recover!)

(Texans sixth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:53 PM

This is a can’t miss field goal.

Matt_Robinson — 1:54 PM

I cant believe an 8-2 football team is this sloppy

bigfatdrunk — 1:54 PM

The play calling is so bad.

Matt Weston — 1:55 PM

Damn that was a great Cameron Johnston punt. It’s either Maliek Collins, Kamu Gruiger-Hill, or Cameron Johnston as the best free agent acquisition.

Matt, this is [BESFs] football

Matt_Robinson — 1:55 PM

Based on who he was replacing Id say its hands down cam

Matt Weston — 1:56 PM

I loved David Culley LARPing as a crab fisherman

UprootedTexan — 1:56 PM

Speaking of jobs he’s not qualified for.

(Tyrod Taylor with the running touchdown. Texans lead 19-0)

bigfatdrunk — 1:58 PM

I cannot wait to see how we [kitten] up this game.

UprootedTexan — 1:59 PM

So Tyrod is our offense, we’re all agreed on this, right?

Matt_Robinson — 1:59 PM

Ty[god] ‘lamar’ Taylor as ive always said

(BESFs Sixth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:05 PM

Westbrook-Ikhine sounds like some [kitten]ed up dog breed

UprootedTexan — 2:08 PM

I think the tide just turned on that fourth down conversion.

(Touchdown BESFs. Texans lead 19-6)

Matt Weston — 2:09 PM

Love Tennessee targeting Zach Cunningham as the rate defender having to defend the swing pass to Hilliard.

bigfatdrunk — 2:11 PM

The [kitten]ing up has begun. Whoooooo!

(Texans Seventh Possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:13 PM

Well that was quick.

(BESFs Seventh Possession)

Matt_Robinson — 2:15 PM

Jeffrey Simmons is so freaky

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

::looks up in google if any NFL team has ever given up 40 points in a single quarter::

FOURTH QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — 2:18 PM

Momentum! Drink!

Kenneth L. — 2:20 PM

Really need to stop them this drive

I’ll also be at the game next week

UprootedTexan — 2:21 PM

Oh, you going to Houston for Thanksgiving?

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball.)

(Texans Eighth Possession)

Kenneth L. — 2:23 PM

Terrible call. Take the points

Your offense isn’t doing great

bigfatdrunk — 2:23 PM

Doesn’t trust Beercan.

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

Beercan field goal? In THIS economy?

l4blitzer — 2:24 PM

Murray doing good things? We are in bizzaro world

(BESFs Eighth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:29 PM

lol Derek Rivers???

UprootedTexan — 2:29 PM

Uh oh, Justin Reid’s hurt.

Matt Weston — 2:34 PM

Love Ryan Tannehill zone read, especially in the RZ, when it leads to the layup celebration

Matt_Robinson — 2:34 PM

At least Jeff Fisher isnt in our ring of honor

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Kenneth L. — 2:35 PM

LETS GOOO

bigfatdrunk — 2:35 PM

LOLOLOLOL

Kenneth L. — 2:35 PM

“First interception in three years” hahaha

Colts have to be loving this

(Desmond King picks off the ball. Texans ball.)

(Texans Ninth Possession)

Kenneth L. — 2:35 PM

Playoffs?

9-8 could make the playoffs

UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

You think this team could rip eight straight wins?

Kenneth L. — 2:37 PM

We are beating the [BESFs]. Anything is possible

Also we are going to [kitten] this up, let’s be real

It’s a 2 possession game

UprootedTexan — 2:37 PM

That’s more like it.

Matt Weston — 2:37 PM

The Colts stink and they are about to play the tough part of their schedule.

(BESFs Ninth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:38 PM

SO Close to an Orlovsky

Kenneth L. — 2:39 PM

Blacklock doing things

UprootedTexan — 2:39 PM

Aaaaaand now he’s hurt.

Kenneth L. — 2:39 PM

And now he’s injured

Typical things

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

I thought that last Taylor pass was going to be intentional grounding.

This needs to be reviewed, I’m not sure he had possession of the ball.

bigfatdrunk — 2:43 PM

WOW, this game is so ugly.

LET THE [KITTEN]ING UP CONTINUE!!!!

Matt Weston — 2:43 PM

FIRKSER FOOTBALL TOUCHDOWN

THATS A FUMBLE

Kenneth L. — 2:43 PM

At least we gave them a good scare. Here comes the mud slide

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

The Bears/Ravens game is on, it’s 9-7 Ravens. It could be so much worse.

(BESFs touchdown. Texans lead 19-13)

(Texans Tenth Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:45 PM

Taylor’s accuracy has fallen apart badly.

Lucky CHUM. I tried to type it before the play.

UprootedTexan — 2:46 PM

bigfatdrunk — 2:46 PM

These teams are trying to out suck each other. Phrasing.

(BESFs Tenth Possession)

Matt Weston — 2:47 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

This is going to get stupid fast.

Matt Weston — 2:48 PM

it already is!!!!!

UprootedTexan — 2:49 PM

But like ludicrous speed stupid.

Desmond King again!

(Desmond King picks off Tannehill again. Texans ball)

(Texans Eleventh Possession)

Kenneth L. — 2:51 PM

Are you kidding me! Nightmares about bringing that ball in

INTERCEPTION

Hahahaha

Wow 5 turnovers is a baddddddd day

UprootedTexan — 2:54 PM

FIGHT [KITTEN]DAMN Y’ALL, ENTERTAIN ME ALREADY!

Penalty Count: 7

(Ka’imi Fairbairn field goal is good. Texans lead 22-13)

l4blitzer — 2:56 PM

But culture count still =♾

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

WE BROKE 20 POINTS! WE HUNG A 20-BURGER ON THE [BESF]s!!!!

(BESFs Eleventh Possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

I know they have a ton of injuries, but it’s hard to see the BE-SFs and think they are a playoff contender.

BEN JONES REVENGE GAME.

l4blitzer — 2:59 PM

I can’t think the last time the Texans had two consecutive games with at least a combined 9 takeaways

bigfatdrunk — 2:59 PM

Four interceptions, and each one was easy peasy. Embarrassing.

(Mitchell picks off Tannehill. Texans ball.)

(Texans Twelfth Possession)

TWO MINUTE WARNING

l4blitzer — 3:00 PM

Make that 10 takeaways in 2 consecutive games

UprootedTexan — 3:03 PM

Do you suppose if Mike Vrabel asked Culley to call a timeout for him that Culley would do it just to be nice?

Matt Weston — 3:04 PM

if TEN gets the #1 seed which they can pull off, they’ll be fine in the postseason. It gives them time to get healthy and for Henry to comeback.

(BESFs Twelfth Possession)

l4blitzer — 3:07 PM

“A fourth time out?” Okay…doesn’t help the [BESFs] really, but still…not exactly something you hear every day.

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 22 - BABY EATING SISTER FORNICATORS 13

UprootedTexan — 3:09 PM

TEXANS W-W-WIN? TEXANS WIN???

FINAL THOUGHTS

l4blitzer — 3:09 PM

So much for the whole “worst road team in history” narrative for the Texans…Culley now 1-0 after a bye.

Matt Weston — 3:11 PM

The Houston Texans are pretty good when they force 5 turnovers. Winning isn’t a terrible thing when there isn’t a no doubt number one overall pick waiting for them at the end of this.

GAME BALLS

Yes! This week we have some game balls to give out!

Offense - Tyrod Taylor is the offense, there’s just no getting around it, especially since he scored the only touchdowns in the game. He gets a game ball.

Defense - Desmond King picked of two (2!) Ryan Tannehill passes. HE gets a game ball.

Special Teams - Okay fine, Ka’imi gets one too I guess, even if he did miss an extra point for NO GOOD [KITTENING] REASON. I’m fine, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Have a game ball, whatever.

So what do you think? How’d you cope with the Texans winning their second game of the year? Let us know below.