Hair of the Dog - Will The Last Fan In Houston Please Turn Out The Lights Edition (Texans/Jets)

Good morning and Happy late Thanksgiving.

How was your holiday? Good, I’m happy to hear it. And I’m sorry you had to end your Thanksgiving holiday with watching whatever that was the Texans did on Sunday.

I was only able to watch about three quarters of the game myself because I spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas being really, really happy and really, really angry at dice and dice rollers at the craps tables. I had to leave before the fourth so I could catch my flight home.

Based on what the chat said, I think I came out ahead after all.

This proved to be a very short, in fact the shortest ever, Hair of the Dog I’ve ever had to edit in my many years of doing this. I blame the matchup because nobody except the most loyal fans would subject themselves to this game if they had a choice.

But the game’s over, the season is screaming toward the finish that most of us kind of expected, and I managed to get out of Vegas winning about $400, so overall, I’d say we’re all winners.

Except the Texans. But they know why they’re not winners.

On an unrelated note: Cal McNair put this team out on the field and got $274 million from the NFL to do it.

Now let’s move on to The Dog on that cheery note.

As always, in finest HOTD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe (and short) to read at work.

Also, because of the brevity and my “absence” from the game, this will be missing a lot of the usual editing I put into it. But it’s short so you probably won’t notice it anyway.

Enjoy...?

Matt Weston — 11:31 AM

YES YES YES

UprootedTexan — 11:40 AM

What I’ll be watching the game with (they’re not both for me).

No open container laws are amazing.

Justin Reid a “healthy scratch?!”

Kenneth L. — 11:56 AM

Why is lane Taylor starting?

bigfatdrunk — 11:57 AM

We have one decent young player on the defense, and he’s a healthy scratch??? AY[K]KM?

l4blitzer — 11:59 AM

Example #26969 of the dumbness that is the 2021 Texans

Kenneth L. — 12:02 PM

Jets entire offense is on IR.

l4blitzer — 12:02 PM

So you’re saying the Jets are putting up at least 31 on us?

Matt Weston — 12:03 PM

TYTUS HOWARD LEFT TACKLE

l4blitzer — 12:04 PM

Doesn’t he get some sort of bonus if he starts at all 5 spots in one full season?

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

[Durga], look at that empty-[kitten] stadium.

If he doesn’t, he should.

l4blitzer — 12:06 PM

“Texans open empty here”…with the correct completion to this sentence, “and the Texans start in a no-back set”

Kenneth L. — 12:07 PM

Charlie Heck yikes

bigfatdrunk — 12:08 PM

It’s Halloween at NRG again! So many people dressed as empty seats again!

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

Even Burkhead didn’t think he was getting the first down there.

Kenneth L. — 12:09 PM

Staring at Zach Wilson on the end of the bench with no one talking to him. Not good sign

l4blitzer — 12:11 PM

Are we…are we actually kinda sorta run blocking here?

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

I’m not sure, I’ve forgotten what that looked like.

Bless his heart, David Johnson did his one thing of the game.

l4blitzer — 12:13 PM

I recall the legends of when the team could do that…

Matt Weston — 12:14 PM

Throwing outside the numbers is how to beat the Jets. It’s pretty easy. They have the worst CB in the league, with a trio of under 25 year old experiments who all have been bad.

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL [Durga] I love this team.

bigfatdrunk — 12:14 PM

TEXANS FOOTBALL!

l4blitzer — 12:16 PM

Ah yes, this game is living down to expectations.

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

It’s all [kitten] and it’s all wonderful.

Matt Weston — 12:17 PM

HAHAHA

that’s what you get for running a screen against a front four pass rush

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Jacob Martin did his one thing.

Matt Weston — 12:22 PM

Martin inside move v. George Fant

Jets lead 3-0

UprootedTexan — 12:23 PM

Here we go again.

It’s fine, it’s fine. Everything is fine.

This game isn’t nearly dumb enough: SOMEONE INCREASE THE DUMB!

l4blitzer — 12:29 PM

Give it time…it takes a while for a team’s dumbness to get going.

Matt Weston — 12:30 PM

patience is a virtue and dumbness is thy fruit

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

This game answers the question “what would football be like if offensive lines didn’t exist?”

WHAT IN THE MOTHER GOOSE WAS THAT?!

Texans legend Shaq Lawson with the penalty.

Matt Weston — 12:32 PM

lol no [kitten]ing way

l4blitzer — 12:32 PM

Welp, it looks like the teams’ dumbness factor is heating up quickly

Matt Weston — 12:34 PM

If you didn’t know it, CJ Mosley sucks, and not playing football for two years can ruin someone’s career

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

The Jets are trying to make us feel better about our dumb[kitten] penalties.

l4blitzer — 12:36 PM

ALL HAIL THE ALL PENALTY OFFENSE!!!!

Kenneth L. — 12:37 PM

Offensive line looks horrific

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

These teams are all butt. It’s beautiful.

Kenneth L. — 12:38 PM

Jets brought a ton of pressure. Great read and route

UprootedTexan — 12:39 PM

Woooooooooow, we scored a touchdown. In the first half. On purpose!

At this point I am forced to wonder what the voltage is on the cattle prod they shove up Tony Bennett for him to continue looking like he’s still alive.

Joe Critz — 12:46 PM

I was thinking the same thing haha

Looks like a mummy

Texans are making my boy Zach Wilson look awful

l4blitzer — 12:47 PM

Not sure he needs any help…he does play for the Jets.

UprootedTexan — 12:51 PM

Penalty Count: 1

Well that’s coming back.

Woooooooow that was an amazing catch.

Let. Brandin. Cooks.

You would think that being assigned to so many Texans games would make Spero Dedes want to improve his broadcasting skills so he can avoid doing that in the future.

Does anyone remember the last time the Texans ran back a punt or kickoff for a touchdown?

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

Was it Fuller with a punt return in ‘16?

UprootedTexan — 1:03 PM

Third and 17 and you call a screen?

Matt Weston — 1:05 PM

This Zach Wilson QB performance is the worst one I’ve seen this season.

UprootedTexan — 1:08 PM

What was that duck’s [kitten] thing on Wilson’s head?

Penalty Count: 2

Matt Weston — 1:13 PM

RYAN GRIFFIN REVENGE GAME

UprootedTexan — 1:17 PM

Aaaand there it is.

Kenneth L. — 1:17 PM

Why didn’t they call a Timeout before the call

Matt Weston — 1:18 PM

what a great Vera-Tucker Ace on that TD

The only thing I’m excited for when watching the game film is Vera-Tucker

Kenneth L. — 1:25 PM

Horrific play call on 3rd and short

l4blitzer — 1:27 PM

This is becoming the Sharknado of games…so, so terrible, but you just can’t look away…

UprootedTexan — 1:28 PM

Halftime, thank [Durga].

Joe Critz — 1:37 PM

I love this Texans team

They’re so funny and weird

I hate them

UprootedTexan — 1:46 PM

I’m probably going to have to bolt in like 15 minutes to catch my flight home.

bigfatdrunk — 1:48 PM

Ryan Griffin still sucks.

Matt Weston — 1:49 PM

I’m going to email his father and tell on you.

UprootedTexan — 1:49 PM

Penalty count: 3.

And that gave the Jets first and goal, great job, gang.

Penalty count: 4.

Remember when Bill O’Brien thought Ross Blacklock was worth the Texans first pick in the 2020 draft?

bigfatdrunk — 2:00 PM

Nice Keenum by Taylor.

Matt Weston — 2:02 PM

Remember when O’Brien traded DeAndre Hopkins?

l4blitzer — 2:02 PM

We must really want to improve that draft position, don’t we?

Matt Weston — 2:02 PM

Blacklock was great last week and has had some flashes this year playing in a better defense that fits his skillset. The defensive tackles have been one of the better parts of the roster.

bigfatdrunk — 2:04 PM

You can’t hope to contain Wilson to Berrios.

This game is the food equivalent of eating canned generic cat food for dinner.

The Texans almost allow a 3rd and forever to be converted, then the Jests miss the field goal. Perfect Texans football.

Matt Weston — 2:14 PM

lol the Jets are the equivalent of canned cat food, while the Texans are Kibbles and bits

Braxton Berrios is going to sign with HOU next year

bigfatdrunk — 2:16 PM

Look at what the Bengals are doing to the Steelers. Yeesh.

Matt Weston — 2:18 PM

The Steelers are crappy, Durga they suck.

I really hope Houston doesn’t bring Tim Kelly, Lovie Smith, or David Culley back next year. This is one of the worst gameplans I’ve ever seen.

OHHHHHH JOE FLACCO TIME

lol Taco Bell advertising transhumananimal hybrids

bigfatdrunk — 2:33 PM

Hahahaha 4th and 6.

Matt Weston — 2:41 PM

hahaha at Griffin cowering right in front of the first down marker

l4blitzer — 2:45 PM

First half: Sharknado 1…Second half: Sharknado 2…equally bad and equally the type of thing you can’t look away from

bigfatdrunk — 2:50 PM

The play calling is so, so awful.

Matt Weston — 2:51 PM

hahahahaha

Jimmy Morrisey got crushed by Quinnen Williams there

l4blitzer — 2:56 PM

Which is worse? The [kitten]-kickings we suffered earlier this year, or today’s derp-fest?

Matt Weston — 2:59 PM

THIS

because the others had Davis Mills

bigfatdrunk — 2:59 PM

HahahahahahahahahahhahaHha

This team couldn’t even run the fire drill correctly. Hahahahahahhahahaha

No game balls this week because nobody deserves one.

Go ahead and talk about the game. I’m going to play craps or something.