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Hair of the Dog - Texans/Dolphins

The BRB gang get together to sit and be bored by the latest loss from the Houston Texans. But at least we were funny. You should read and find out.

Houston Texans v Miami Dolphins
Si-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-igh...
Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images

On Friday night I went to the new arena they built in Seattle to watch the Eagles in concert.

The show was great, possibly one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. I blew the bank to buy floor seats so my wife and I could watch the entire show and actually see the Eagles instead of blurry dots off in the distance that looked vaguely Eagles-ish.

The show kicked off with the remaining living Eagles, Don Henley, Joe Walsh (who I would protect with my life if I didn’t think it would result in a restraining order), Timothy B. Schmit, joined by Deacon Frey (Glenn Frey’s son) and Vince Gill, performing the entire Hotel California album from start to finish. After a brief intermission, they came back on stage and spent the next two hours playing almost all their greatest hits.

Before they launched into Walsh’s signature song “Life’s Been Good,” Walsh spent a good 30 seconds getting the 14,000 fans to join him for a bit of scream therapy. He’d scream, we’d scream, it was cathartic. After two years without playing a single show, I couldn’t blame him for screaming.

Why do I bring this up at all, other than to fill space? Because when I screamed, I was channeling the Texans’ latest run of poor performances. When I realized that we still had half a season to go, my screaming went up to 13.

It was cathartic when it happened. It did not help my attitude on Sunday morning when I watched the Texans force five (5!) turnovers and convert those into nine whole points. I can’t say I’m mad. I haven’t been mad about the Texans in a long time, frankly I kind of miss it, I’m not even disappointed. Disappointment means that I had any expectations at this point. At this point, I’m just not surprised by any of it anymore, and that’s worse than being mad or disappointed.

Maybe I need to do more screaming? Maybe we all need to do some screaming? I don’t know. I just know that those of you who were able to watch the game were, in no way, shape, or form, rewarded for your efforts.

Oh well, at least we’re not Jags fans.

So let’s get on with this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

Enjoy!

PREGAME DISCUSSION

Matt Weston — 11:43 AM

I’m devastated TUA is out today. He’s kind of fun to watch if he can smooth out his mistakes, and they have a pretty cool quick passing offense consisting of play action slants, RPOs, swing passes, posts, and can hit the deep middle to Mike Gesicki. If the Texans lose to Miami then liquidate the franchise.

l4blitzer — 11:45 AM

But, but, but the Texans have the best character, the best culture…isn’t that victory enough?

bigfatdrunk — 11:55 AM

I wonder if I am even getting the game over the air today.

I’m not. I’m getting the Browns and Bengals. Jeebus.

Anybody got a stream for me?

FIRST QUARTER

(Dolphins first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:03 PM

Hang on I’ll look.

Matt Weston — 12:03 PM

Find your own [kitten] stream mr IT man

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

I didn’t think they were going to win facing Tua. I DEFINITELY don’t think they’re going to win facing Jacoby Brisket. He was born under an evil star for the Texans.

bigfatdrunk — 12:05 PM

Thank you! I hate this so much.

(Texans first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:07 PM

Oh lord, the place is crawling with Cowturds fans.

They need to stop this, it’s going to foul up our shot at the number one pick.

bigfatdrunk — 12:09 PM

Lindsay suddenly remembering how to be a RB?

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

(Tyrod picked off in end zone. Dolphins ball)

(Dolphins second possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:11 PM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

Is the game not showing in Houston? I tried to look at 506 sports and the site stalled on me.

bigfatdrunk — 12:12 PM

He felt the pressure after nobody picked up the blitz. Man, terrible decision.

Matt_Robinson — 12:12 PM

Dang

Matt Weston — 12:12 PM

Jevon Holland has been a great single high safety this year. He’s the anti-Johnson Jr.

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

Dolphins with a CHUM.

Matt Weston — 12:13 PM

They didn’t pick up the blitz wrong on that one though BFD. They had an interior blitz, and you always go inside out. MIA always creates free EDGE rushers. That throw is the difference between Josh Allen and Tyrod Taylor.

bigfatdrunk — 12:14 PM

Oh, agree.

I also want to know at some point how many receivers were in a route. Looked liked just three?

UprootedTexan — 12:16 PM

Looks like offsides there.

There are Dolphins fans here.

bigfatdrunk — 12:17 PM

Are you the only Texans fan?

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

Pretty much always.

If I’m not, then I’m the only one who’s open about it.

bigfatdrunk — 12:18 PM

It’s kind of an embarrassing thing at this point.

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Although the way I react during most games you’d never know it from how I laugh like an idiot when the Texans throw a pick or do something dumb.

bigfatdrunk — 12:19 PM

Pointing and laughing really is the best strategy these days.

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Oh wow, Greg Mancz sighting!

Okay that catch was impressive.

It’s the only way I’ve been able to keep sane watching this team.

bigfatdrunk — 12:20 PM

I wanted Gesicki so badly the year he came out.

Matt Weston — 12:21 PM

Austin Reiter is so bad that he got benched for Mancz.

The Dolphins have one competent offensive lineman

l4blitzer — 12:21 PM

He was really good about catching at PSU, especially in 2016

Matt Weston — 12:22 PM

Mike Gesicki is the anti-Tim Duncan, where instead of everything not being a foul, everything that is an incompeltion his way is a penalty.

Cover Two, Jaylen Waddle slant against Kamu Gruiger-Hill is a terrible decision

(Dolphins touchdown. Dolphins lead 7-0)

UprootedTexan — 12:24 PM

Kind of surprised it took this long.

bigfatdrunk — 12:24 PM

Just too [kitten] easy.

UprootedTexan — 12:25 PM

I’m still [kitten]ed at the Jags for losing to us in week one, we could be going unwinfeated right now.

Matt_Robinson — 12:25 PM

That Gaskin td was sad

l4blitzer — 12:25 PM

Our road D is playing to form today.

Matt Weston — 12:27 PM

the Texans run defense is so bad that even the Miami Dolphins can run the ball on them hahahahaha

(Texans second possession)

Matt Weston — 12:28 PM

I put a Texans onesie on the baby. Poor thing. He pooped, cried, and went to bed as soon as I put this cursed garment on him.

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

Just saw an ad for NCIS Hawaii which I assume is just Hawaii Five O with a new coat of paint on it and a reupholstered Gary Cole.

I’m surprised Mrs. Big Matt didn’t stop you on moral grounds.

l4blitzer — 12:29 PM

TV and Hollywood…no new ideas, just sequels, franchises and reboots

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

Okay, sure, let’s take a timeout to switch from one third down play that won’t work to a different third down play that won’t work.

bigfatdrunk — 12:30 PM

Setting timeouts on fire again.

Matt Weston — 12:30 PM

Adam Butler was one of my guys last free agency period.

UprootedTexan — 12:31 PM

I tell you if I weren’t completely deadened to pain, I’d be embarrassed by this team.

(Dolphins third possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:31 PM

Amendola going to hit the Dolphins with his walker?

Matt Weston — 12:32 PM

Tytus Howard is a big man who talks tough but doesn’t play tough.

UprootedTexan — 12:35 PM

What’s the holdup?

This game does not need to take any longer than is necessary.

l4blitzer — 12:36 PM

You mean you don’t want to savior the glory that is this pillow-fight of a derp fest?

Matt_Robinson — 12:37 PM

That’s Eric Murray’s game ball for being useful

l4blitzer — 12:37 PM

Wha, wha, wha happened? Eric Murray doing something?

Unpossible

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

And lo, I saw the seventh seal open and out came Eric Murray riding a steel blue horse and carrying a battle red trash can making an interception, and hell came with him.

Matt Weston — 12:39 PM

I missed Eric Murray. That’s how bad Lonnie Johnson Jr. was.

That was all on Charlie Heck. He has the #2, and he looked inside instead.

I think that was a fumble

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

Call stands.

That’s okay, they’ll get it back on the next play.

Matt Weston — 12:43 PM

We may not even get the chance to miss Davis Mills today.

bigfatdrunk — 12:43 PM

Nope. Just thinking that.

Akins?

UprootedTexan — 12:45 PM

Auclair

bigfatdrunk — 12:45 PM

Auclair. LOL!

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

3rd and 17, we got this, right?

Well...at least it didn’t end up picked off.

(Dolphins fourth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:48 PM

Gotta love the CHUM on 2nd and 20. My goodness.

UprootedTexan — 12:49 PM

This game is taking entirely too long and I resent it for it.

SECOND QUARTER

l4blitzer — 12:49 PM

Can we push for a running clock? Especially this game?

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

A running clock is probably the only thing our secondary could catch.

I’m here all week folks.

l4blitzer — 12:51 PM

After the clock got behind the corners and a missed arm tackle by one of the safeties

Matt Weston — 12:51 PM

Teddy Bridgewater is a top ten quarterback this year.

UprootedTexan — 12:52 PM

Wow the Dolphins stadium is empty too. But they have the excuse of being in Miami and having the most fairweather fans.

STOP SLOWING THIS GAME DOWN, [KITTEN] YOU!

They didn’t need to ask for a measurement, they would’ve just gotten the first down on the next play anyway.

LOVIE BEARD!

(Dolphins fumble, Texans recover!)

(Texans fourth possession)

That might not be a fumble, his knee was down.

Guys if nobody else contributes soon I’m going to start disseminating my theories about time travel and temporal physics.

l4blitzer — 12:56 PM

Commentators noting the poor defensive play of the Texans…and the fumble recovery follows…

Matt Weston — 12:57 PM

lol McCray is starting over Max Scharping at right guard.

bigfatdrunk — 12:57 PM

Amendola is such a waste of snaps.

UprootedTexan — 12:57 PM

I like Nico Collins.

bigfatdrunk — 12:57 PM

Same with Burkhead.

l4blitzer — 12:57 PM

Texans out rushing the Dolphins? Yeah, this game is a pillow fight.

UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

Battlefight pillowfight.

bigfatdrunk — 12:59 PM

/crying BOTH THESE TEAMS SUCK /crying

UprootedTexan — 12:59 PM

Oh boy a field goal coming!

(Texans Field goal is good. Dolphins lead 7-3)

UprootedTexan — 12:59 PM

Oh burn that suit, dude.

(Texans fifth possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:59 PM

I assume most Miamians are off doing cocaine instead of watching this game, and frankly I think they might be onto something.

They’re just gonna blitz the hell out of Tyrod until they kill him and put General Mills back onto the field.

bigfatdrunk — 1:10 PM

That would be my plan.

UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM

Oh my [Durga] we can’t even get a punt off without a penalty.

bigfatdrunk — 1:13 PM

Hey, at least we didn’t call a timeout!

UprootedTexan — 1:14 PM

Is this the only way we’re going to advance the ball? Through muffed punts? Because this is no way to run a railroad.

(Texans recover a fumbled punt recovery.)

(Texans sixth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:15 PM

Glory to all fumble recovery offense!!!

bigfatdrunk — 1:16 PM

This game is pathetic.

UprootedTexan — 1:16 PM

I may have to talk about time travel just to take my mind off this game.

What juts happened?

(Texans field goal successful. Dolphins lead 7-6)

Matt Weston — 1:19 PM

I love Josh Allen.

UprootedTexan — 1:21 PM

First LIIT ordered.

(Dolphins sixth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:23 PM

We blitz and don’t get close. Pathetic.

Gaskin breaking tackles like he’s Franco Harris.

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

Why is this game taking so long? I assume just to get on my nerves.

Matt Weston — 1:29 PM

Austin Jackson sucks so much lmao. Their Laremy Tunsil replacement was stuck playing left guard.

bigfatdrunk — 1:29 PM

OMK I love Gesicki.

UprootedTexan — 1:30 PM

GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!

(Dolphins field goal is good. Dolphins lead 10-6)

bigfatdrunk — 1:30 PM

GO FOR IT COWARDS!

(Texans seventh possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:33 PM

Why isn’t Miami calling a timeout...there they go.

Hold LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan — 1:35 PM

This week in “Numbers That Make Me Want To Kill Myself,” the last lead the Texans have had was five seconds into the second quarter of the Cardinals game. In fact, we’ve had the lead all of three times this entire season. Once against Jacksonville, once against New England, and once against Arizona. In 8 ½ games (510 minutes) we’ve spent a grand total of 159 minutes and 36 seconds with any kind of lead this season. and 60 of those minutes was against the Jags. Put another way, of the 34 quarters the Texans have played so far, they’ve only had a lead for 10.6 of them, or 31% of them.

(Taylor picked off. Dolphins ball)

(Dolphins seventh possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:35 PM

[Kitten]. That should have been a pick.

bigfatdrunk — 1:36 PM

It IS a pick LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan — 1:38 PM

::takes a long slurp of booze::

bigfatdrunk — 1:38 PM

Cmon, Miami, don’t screw this up.

(Touchdown Dolphins. Dolphins lead 17-6)

Matt Weston — 1:41 PM

Are we rooting for the tank yet?

UprootedTexan — 1:42 PM

Were we not before?

HALFTIME REACTIONS

Matt Weston — 1:44 PM

I don’t know, I thought we were in on beating MIA for Tunsil revenge, but I don’t know anything anymore

HALFTIME:

—3 RZ trips, 3 Turnovers forced, 6 points

—Houston wasn’t prepared for a high blitz defense who has been a high blitz defense this game

—TyGod Taylor should have rested the seventh day like [Durga] himself did

—Jacoby Brissett loves playing the Houston Texans

bigfatdrunk — 1:51 PM

This is kitteny football by two kitteny teams.

UprootedTexan — 1:53 PM

At least we get the ball to start the second half, LOL.

l4blitzer — 1:53 PM

I think we figured that this would be a dumb game, and it hasn’t disappointed. The Texans have raced out to a huge lead in on the dumbness score. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are playing not as dumb. Key stat: Fins: 14 points off of 2 takeaways. Texans: 6 points off of 3 takeaways.

UprootedTexan — 1:54 PM

I believe the term for this kind of game is a struggle[kitten].

bigfatdrunk — 1:54 PM

Struggle implies sffort, though.

UprootedTexan — 1:54 PM

Rockfight, then?

THIRD QUARTER

(Texans eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:55 PM

Kittenfight? In this case, the kitten isn’t a substitute for anything.

UprootedTexan — 1:57 PM

I want Kurt Russell to be Texans head coach.

l4blitzer — 1:57 PM

I don’t know…some kittens can really claw and bite. Not really seeing that here

(Taylor picked off again. Dolphins ball)

(Dolphins eighth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:58 PM

[Durga] I love this team.

So consistent. So cultural.

bigfatdrunk — 2:00 PM

The Texans culture is losing.

l4blitzer — 2:01 PM

And the Texans are racing out to an insurmountable lead on the dumbness score

bigfatdrunk — 2:02 PM

This game is setting football back 90 years.

It’s like they are playing to see who can lose the worst.

l4blitzer — 2:03 PM

Wait…wait a minute!!! Yes..YES, the Dolphins are making a comeback. This dumbness scale is not over yet, folks!

UprootedTexan — 2:03 PM

(From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) There is no world I know to compare with pure inebriation. Only there am I free from Texans disintegration.

Matt Weston — 2:04 PM

Both Maliek Collins and Vernon Butler trading off interior deflections

(Texans ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:04 PM

That’s coming back.

Well, it wasn’t what I expected it to come back for but I was right. I hate being right. Right sucks.

(Dolphins ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:08 PM

Wow, two penalties against the Dolphins, is it my birthday?!

Joe Critz — 2:09 PM

Hey guys! The Texans make me hurt :(

UprootedTexan — 2:09 PM

JOE!!!!!!!

So say we all.

Or I would if I felt anything.

Two LIITs down.

Everything is wonderful.

Matt Weston — 2:10 PM

lol @ Danny Amendola being frustrated, this is the only team who would give him a job

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

I was starting to worry you didn’t love us anymore, Joe.

Joe Critz — 2:11 PM

I do! I’ve just been busy with a lot of life things the past few months

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

Boo!

Joe Critz — 2:11 PM

Being an adult is hard is what I’m finding out

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

Life things are stupid and sad.

Joe Critz — 2:11 PM

This [kitten] sucks!

UprootedTexan — 2:12 PM

My advice to you is to stop doing adult things. They’re not worth the effort ultimately.

Except the drinking. The drinking is okay.

Joe Critz — 2:13 PM

I agree haha

But now my schedule is opening up again and I’m finding my way back to football

Just to see Tyrod Taylor play bad

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 2:14 PM

It was Taylor, but at least Cunningham didn’t miss the tackle!

Matt Weston — 2:15 PM

Zach Cunningham nearly missing Jacoby Brissett in the open field is as bad as it gets.

bigfatdrunk — 2:15 PM

Gesicki is sick!

UprootedTexan — 2:16 PM

Why couldn’t BOB have traded for him instead of Kenny Stills? I don’t care if he wasn’t on the team when that trade went down THAT IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE!

Matt Weston — 2:16 PM

Cunningham is so bad

It’s Mike GeSICKi

UprootedTexan — 2:17 PM

Should I go for a third LIIT, Y/N?

LET ME KNOW IN THE CHAT!

FOURTH QUARTER

bigfatdrunk — 2:17 PM

Only if you aren’t driving.

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

Nope, Mrs. UT is driving. Even if I was by myself, I’d wait until I felt completely normal before I left. Like I did last week.

Matt Weston — 2:20 PM

hahaha Brissett going into the gun only to create a wide pass rush lane is so [kitten]ing funny [Durga] I love this game

(Texans tenth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:20 PM

Big Matt, Josh Allen just intercepted Josh Allen. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

bigfatdrunk — 2:24 PM

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! Party on Tyrod Taylor’s face!

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

This can’t miss, right?

(As Eddie Murphy) My girl wants to party on Tyrod, party on Tyrod, party on Tyroooooooood...

bigfatdrunk — 2:25 PM

Safe-TY cha cha cha. Safe-TY cha cha cha.

UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM

Oh sure, let’s squander a timeout on third and 15 at our own two yard line.

I’ll be [kitten]ed, they converted.

bigfatdrunk — 2:27 PM

How do you blow that, Dolphins?

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

OH [KITTEN] YOU JOE MILLIONAIRE, GET THE [KITTEN] OUTTA HERE

bigfatdrunk — 2:28 PM

cs

UprootedTexan — 2:29 PM

Let Brandin Cook(s).

Matt Weston — 2:33 PM

This game has it all. Brennan Scarlett missed a tackle on David Johnson.

UprootedTexan — 2:33 PM

This field goal is going to be amazing.

bigfatdrunk — 2:34 PM

Orgasmic.

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

Third and goal at the two. Can they botch this? The suspense is killing me.

Oh lord, what now?

Matt Weston — 2:37 PM

Home made cold brew>>Duncan Doughnuts>>>Starbucks $14 for two coffees

UprootedTexan — 2:38 PM

What is Dunkin Donuts? I have not heard of this things.

Why is Bad Bunny famous? I just assume he’s like DJ Khalid or something.

What the hell were you throwing at Tyrod?

(Texans field goal is good. Dolphins lead 17-9)

Matt Weston — 2:39 PM

O’Brien had two ridiculous challenges against ATL. I’m glad he had one today.

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Oh lord there’s still eleven minutes left in this game? What kind of hell is this I’ve found myself in?

bigfatdrunk — 2:41 PM

This is miserable. The weather is beautiful, and I am watching a train wreck crashing into a dumpster fire.

(Dolphins tenth possession)

Matt Weston — 2:42 PM

LJJ missed a special teams tackle hahahahahahha

UprootedTexan — 2:42 PM

You should take a page from Dolphins fans who also aren’t watching this game and go do cocaine. It’d be a better use of your time. I’d do the same except I wouldn’t know where to get it, unlike Miami where it’s sold on every street corner at newstands and [kitten].

bigfatdrunk — 2:43 PM

Which is less destructive? Cocaine or watching the Texans?

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

Physically or psychologically? Because it’s kind of neck and neck either way.

I love that my team is a job transition program for players and coaches on their way out of the NFL. It warms my heart, really.

Matt Weston — 2:46 PM

Watching the Texans

Cocaine makes you appreciate the RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, whereas the Texans make you long for sweet nothingness

bigfatdrunk — 2:46 PM

LOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

When you’re right you’re right, and Big Matt is right. Oblivion sounds mighty [kitten] good right now.

bigfatdrunk — 2:47 PM

The coaching on both sides of the ball is atrocious.

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

HOW IS THERE STILL ALMOST TEN MINUTES LEFT IN THIS GAME?!

Were there people who thought the Texans would get back on track with Tyrod Taylor’s return?

(Dolphins fumble. Texans recover. Texans ball)

(Texans tenth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:47 PM

I don’t get it.

The gross part is we’re somehow still in this game.

Or we were.

l4blitzer — 2:53 PM

We get FIVE turnovers and we are down…peak 2021 Texans

(Dolphins eleventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:53 PM

Remember when we used to look down on the Browns and thank [Durga] we weren’t Browns fans?

They just hung 40 on the Bengals.

Can we get Tim in here? I got a legal question for him and he’s the only lawyer who won’t charge me for a consultation.

bigfatdrunk — 2:58 PM

I can make it up as I go along. I do my own research.

UprootedTexan — 3:00 PM

If I became an alcoholic and sued the Texans, specifically Jack Easterby and Cal McNair for driving me to it, would that suit hold water and how much could I get from them for it?

bigfatdrunk — 3:01 PM

You should totally do it.

UprootedTexan — 3:02 PM

I might have to. It will be funny if nothing else.

l4blitzer — 3:02 PM

“Don’t do anything dumb”…the aspirational mantra for the Houston Texans

(Texans eleventh possession)

bigfatdrunk — 3:03 PM

That’s a fumble.

UprootedTexan — 3:03 PM

Please tell me the Cowboys are getting [kitten]stomped right now.

I have nothing else football-wise right now to make me happy.

(Dolphins twelfth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

JAX beat the Bills LOLOLOLOL!

UprootedTexan — 3:07 PM

HOT [KITTEN], EVERYTHING IS COMING UP TEXANS!!!!

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

And the Cokeboys got stomped.

Joe Critz — 3:07 PM

LETS GOOOO

l4blitzer — 3:07 PM

The Dumbness is strong with this day!!!

Matt Weston — 3:07 PM

I don’t think this was a fumble, but I’m praying it is

bigfatdrunk — 3:07 PM

Jordan Akins just isn’t good.

UprootedTexan — 3:08 PM

WE’RE FIRST OVERALL! WE’RE FIRST OVERALL! WE’RE FIRST OVERALL! WE’RE FIRST OVERALL!!!!!

l4blitzer — 3:09 PM

The Ickey shuffle??? Really??? Eh, just as well for this team…

UprootedTexan — 3:11 PM

Why not?

Please Durga, just end this game.

bigfatdrunk — 3:12 PM

We [kitten]ed away our timeouts, and it leads to this.

UprootedTexan — 3:13 PM

[Kitten] I forgot about Detroit. STOP [KITTEN]ING THINGS UP FOR US DETROIT!!!

IT’S OUR TURN NOW!

(Texans twelfth possession)

UprootedTexan — 3:13 PM

This should be fine.

I swear if they tie this game up I’m going to throw up.

FINAL SCORE: TEXANS 9 - DOLPHINS 17

Matt Weston — 3:16 PM

This is the first game since 2002 where a team has forced five or more turnovers and scored 9 or less points.

I love all of you and cherish the time we spent together today.

UprootedTexan — 3:16 PM

You’re welcome, Miami. Keep that win total low for when we finally give y’all Deshaun Watson and the myriad of lawsuits he still has waiting for him because he can’t keep his hands to himself and constantly wants butt stuff done.

This was truly a magical day, Big Matt, thank you for sharing with us today.

l4blitzer — 3:17 PM

You could just hear within the ref’s voice that he was so relieved that this was over:

UprootedTexan — 3:18 PM

I can just picture the ref when Culley called for a timeout “You sure about that? You sure you want this to last any longer than it already has?”

Well, at least there’s a new season of Animaniacs to watch.

GAME BALLS

Only one person gets a game ball this week: Joe Walsh. Absolute king.

Vent, laugh, cry, do whatever in the comments!