Incompletions: Texans v. Dolphins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, Turnovers)

MATT WESTON:

I was sure the Houston Texans were a bottom five team entering the 2021 NFL season. I’m still sure of this to this day. Yet, somehow, the Texans are worse than I thought they were. With Tyrod Taylor back at quarterback, you’d expect at least acceptable, a team who could pick up blitzes, throw down field off play action, utilize a fairly interesting play action attack that rolls the pocket with Taylor, and can rely on Brandin Cooks to move the chains.

This week none of that came to fruition. The Texans played a blitz heavy team, and were completely unprepared for it. They couldn’t pick up the simplest of E-T stunts, or the most difficult double ‘A’ gap presnap looks. Free rushers came from the interior and off the edge. They couldn’t throw hot off the pressure. Isolation routes would only occasionally break man coverage. The run game was disgusting and putrid once again, and this time it was against a crappy run defense. None of the things we saw before, or envisioned, were here.

Tim Kelly is a sentient Bill O’Brien nipple. Week one against Jacksonville was a beautiful homage to his mentor. Like O’Brien before him, who would scheme up a great offensive game plan three times a year, Kelly is somehow worse, pulling it off exactly one time this season. All that good luck and hope from week one is now a nuclear wasteland. The HEB is a home for a family of 50’ ants. Pour one out for the ‘If Tyrod was healthy,” crowd because their dreams are dead.

This wasn’t a terrible football game, or a miserable football game. See, we are fans of a franchise who has deluded everyone into thinking they aren’t the Browns, or the Lions, or the Jets, or the Jaguars, when these are all teams made of the same cloth. Tied up in the basement, eating fetid waste in the dredges, soaking our feet in the muddy bottom of the swamp, flailing along to the incomprehensible and the totally stupid is where we belong. This was a beautiful Texans game in the midst of typical terrible Texans season.

Quaterback ratings below 100. Nine turnovers and only 26 points scored. Losing to a backup quarterback. Watching Mike Gesicki drop and catch passes with a singular paw. Emmanuel Ogbah morphing into an All-Pro. Phillip Lindsey failing to bounce every run wide of the tackle and getting wrapped up by defensive backs. Embracing the return of Eric Murray. Laughing at Lonnie Johnson Jr. now missing special teams tackles. David Johnson breaking a Brennan Scarlett tackle. It all pretty much ending with an atrocious Jordan Akins fumble, which somehow led to the the saddest game tying drive attempt you’ll ever see. This game had it all.

A hearkening back to the things before. The great pineapple man laughing and dancing. Jeff Allen starting at left tackle. Tom Savage walking backwards to drop back. Case KEEEEEENUUUUUUM. Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson fighting on the sideline after losing to _______ Matt McGloin. Kris Brown missing field goals. We’ve seen the stupid and the outrageous all before, but it’s more than that, the stupid and outrageous is where we thrive, it’s the football we grew out from, it’s the football that is our football.

So save your spittle. This wasn’t a terrible football game. It’s your distorted mindset that is pulling you down. You have deluded yourself into thinking the Texans should be good, and they aren’t one of those teams, when reality is completely different. The games against Carolina, Buffalo, Arizona, Indianapolis, those were terrible games, when the Texans were not only atrocious, but they were boring, and so incredibly outmatched that they couldn’t provide any utility to even the most nihilistic fanbase. This game was exemplified our brand of football, and the things we truly love.

I can’t wait for New York (J). Give me Jacksonville. I’m coming home week 18 against the Titans backups. I want it all.

DIABLO 2 IS A TRUE STORY:

BFD:

If I wasn’t getting so much freudenschade from the Texans, I would stop watching.

There’s nothing about this team that is good that isn’t Brandin Cooks and Justin Reid. Every other player is bad from 3 to 53 on the roster. The coaching is terrible. The coordinating is horrendous. Nothing is even close to average on this team. It is just so bad.

I’m old enough to remember when people were touting Nick Caserio for bringing in competition. Competition doesn’t make players at this level better. It just shows you don’t have the proper talent on the roster.

I don’t ever want to be hear jack about competition again.

THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE SO FAR:

L4BLITZER:

I had a feeling that this would be a dumb game and it didn’t disappoint. Miami committed 5 turnovers, rushed for less than 50 yards, gave up 4 sacks, score 0 points in the 2nd half and all going with a backup ‘cause the regular starter had a broken finger. This was the WINNING team.

Enter the Texans. They get five takeaways, but can only turn them into six points. They turn three red zone trips into nine total points. This was with Taylor back under center. He proceeded to throw three interceptions, including one of the dumbest picks you will ever see near the end of the 1st half. This veteran-laden team committed 8 penalties for 60 yards.

The final difference is this ugliest of pillow fights: Miami gets 14 points off of their 4 takeaways vs. the Texans who got 6 points off of 5. Do the public math, that is a difference of eight. Ball game.

Ok, it is maybe not as simple as that, but the Texans’ marginal talent is such that they have to play disciplined, mistake-free football to win, even against a weaker team like Miami. Houston did not do that. Not even close.

The Texans continue their quest to be among the worst road teams in history. They average just over seven points a game on the road. They surrender over 31 points a game in such situations. Like so much about the 2021 team, that is not good. Not good at all.

LOCKED IN:

MATT ROBINSON:

It is jarring for as bad of a day Miami had offensively that they were able to still win in the fashion they did. TyGOD (Who will now be referred to as Tyrod) Taylor was downright spraying throws. In what in hindsight was an accident waiting to happen, a first time center playing with a new right guard, on a brand new offensive line in their first season together, and you can expect some pre-season level problems. According to Culley they expected cover zero they knew blitzes were coming, but despite this not being a difficult matchup for an inexperienced center he definitely showed his colors.

At this point the only question that really matters is, will the Lions go winless or will the Texans get the first pick?

THE FLICK OF THE ELBOW:

MIKE BULLOCK:

Remember that time the Texans had over half as many turnovers as they did points? Yeesh...

At the end of the day, the NFL is simply a brand of entertainment for the masses. Yet, absolutely nothing about the 2021 Houston Texans is entertaining if you’re a fan. The coaching is actually worse than Bill O’Brien, the roster is a total shambles, the player execution is terrible and on and on. What’s even worse is it’s hard to imagine this NFL version of the Bad News Bears is going to be competitive anytime in the next five or more years thanks to the continued influence of Jack McEasterby and the head scratching tear down of Nick Caserio.

Thankfully, they have a bye this week so we won’t have to suffer through yet another Master Class on Pro Football Incompetence next Sunday...

SAY IT, VAMPIRE:

CARLOS FLORES:

Full disclosure, I didn’t see the game. My significant other and I were slopping it up in Fredericksburg with some friends. A great time was had by all, and I don’t know if I ever want to drink wine again.

That being said, I did manage to catch some recaps and see some plays and it sounds like I missed out on a craptastic game. The only way I can explain my feelings toward this season and team at this point can be represented by something I saw on our trip.

On the way home yesterday, we swung by one of those drive-thru safari’s in the middle of nowhere. They had a small boardwalk in the back where you could walk elevated amongst a few different animals. When we hit the capybara enclosure, most people were talking about how cute they were and how they’d make good pets. I, on the other hand, witnessed a 2 foot long animal excrete a pile of crap that should be physically impossible for a critter of it’s size. It was excruciatingly slow. Something about seeing how dead in the eyes this thing was as it let loose three-fourths of its body mass made me think of how this team is so unashamedly soiling themselves for all to see.

The Texans are a giant capybara and I hate watching it crap itself.

BOOM, ROASTED: