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Totally Not Fake News: Offense Week

Perhaps you may find more “offense” in this article than on the field...

Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Houston, TX – For a team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, the Texans seemed an especially determined, focused group. The results from the previous game left some ill feelings in the psyche of many of the Texans players. “Dude, that sucked” “I can’t believe I spent 3 hours of my life watching that” “What the ever-loving-[Easterby] is going on with this team?”

CORRECTION: Apparently, that was not from Texans’ fans. Those were taken from various Texans staffers, who may or may not be in the organization anymore. Also, this was not referring to the Colts/Texans game. They were forced to work in Team CEO Cal McNair’s office and on a “conference call” watched him struggle to beat a group of second graders from Brazoria.

As for the team leadership, they seemed to focus on a key area. “I thought I acquired some offensive players at some point in this off-season” lamented Nick Caserio. “What is going on with all of those RBs I bought in bulk? Unbelievable.”

“Probably would help if the backup QB wouldn’t, ya know, like, [Easterby] suck in his throws. He is the quarterback. The full responsibility of the game falls on the QBs shoulders. The QB’s shoulders alone. Definitely no one else, especially not the head coach of a major, multi-million-dollar salaried football team” opined David Culley.

While not usual for a coach to be so candid about the performance of a backup coming into the game after an unexpected poor start by the starter, these are not usual times. Culley is under a high degree of pressure, or maybe the combination of ill-fitting headphones and the loud, velociraptor-esque squawking coming from said headphones could be stressing the coach. We can’t say for sure.

No matter the communication channels, the language or the species of animals on the call, the fact remains that there are some serious issues for the team to discuss and likely try to resolve before they face the final five games of the season. The Offense, has been, well, offensive. These are some of the stats that one can find when taking a break from reading about depressing type things:

Behold, the offensive numbers...um, yeah.

To that end, the Houston Texans are officially declaring this week “Offense Week”

“That’s right! This week is all about offense. Offense, offense, offense, offense, offense, offense, offense!!!” Proclaimed a Texans spokesperson. “If we can dedicate all our focus and attention to Offense, Mr. McNair is quite confident that we achieve our offensive goals. Much like those political-type guys like to have these focus weeks. We gonna get there and have that exact same level of success!!!”

Even via social media, the message about offense permeated the team’s accounts. Take this missive from the vaunted Executive Vice President of Football Operations (EVPFO):

The effects were apparent from the get-go. Insiders following the team noted a remarkable shift in the practice time allotment. The day start with pre-meetings about improving the offense with the position coaches. Then the team moves into meetings about the offense with the offensive coordinators. Then the coordinators meet with the head offense coach to discuss the offense. Then the head offense coach meets with the offense GM and the offense EVPFO to discuss the offense. Then the EVPFO reviewed the Good Book to look for relevant passages about offense to relay to the players, all part of the grand strategy for improving the offense. This was followed by subsequent down-channeling of meetings from the EVPFO, to the Holy Trinity, to the coordinators, to the position coaches, and then back up the chain of command for even more updates about improving the offense.

Most took the work in-stride. Others found themselves trying to offer suggestions.

“Hey, have we actually considered, I don’t know, like actually going out on to the field and practicing a few plays or concepts?” observed starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor. This question was strangely enough followed by the pronouncement that Davis Mills would be the starter against Seattle. While some figured that the team is just being cautious about his wrist injury, others were not so sure. [Update: Pending the results of Taylor perfectly reciting the Easterby’s last few sermons the most recent practice, it is possible Taylor may yet start on Sunday.]

“Well, I am sorry that Mr. Tyrod won’t be playing quarterback and moving the offense forward” lamented Davis Mills (interviewed before Thursday afternoon}. “I mean, I had a few games off, which I guess was kinda nice. Worked on a few things to help me throw, which I figured would help out the offense. Got to a point that actually got the ball through that tire more than 2 times in a row, even when I took 5 steps back.“

“Then I got into last week’s game. Thought I remembered what Mr. Offensive Coach Kelly and Mr. Head Offense Coach Culley taught me in between my Catechism readings. Seems to be going well on offense, but then after that first snap, those big mean, ugly Colts guys, the ones that beat me up a few weeks ago…well, they came after me again. They hit really hard and said really mean things about me and my Mommy. Oh, it was not fun at all.”

Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans
Gah!!! The meanies are after me!!!!!
Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

“Still, with Mr. Easterby’s emph….er, Mr. Head Offense Coach Nick Caseri…no, I am sorry, I meant Mr. Head Coach David Culley emphasis on offense as part of Offense week, I am super-duper sure that we will be playing the best offense that we can possibly play on offense. We are gonna offense the offense off of Seattle. Yes sir!!! I am so pumped about all of the offense we are gonna offense…well, gosh DARN IT!“

“Oops, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to say any bad words. It’s just that I get so excited about our offense…excuse me a minute while I read the latest missive of Mr. Easterby”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We play offense. We focus on Offense. Offense, Offense, Offense!!! That’s all I’m hearing from that [Easterby] snot-nosed kid’ groaned Brandin Cooks. “Just throw me the [Easterby] ball. Preferably somewhere in the same planetary orbit, and we will be ok.”

Even the defense and special teams were all-in on Offense Week.

“We need our defense to be an offensive defense. We must speak, live, breathe, pray offense. Offense, Offense, Offense, Offense, Offense. We need our kicking game to be on the offensive. We need our return game to help generate offense. We need our defense to be offensive. Offense must dominate in all three phases of the game: Offense offense, Special teams offense, Defense offense. All Offense…no substitutes for offensive execution. Got to be all offense, all the time” extolled David Culley.

“Hey EJ, er coach!” chimed in team LB Zach Cunningham, “Can we go out to the field and like, actually practice. Maybe work on tackling just a little bit?”

Replied Coach Culley: “Enough you blasphemer!!!! Did not the fiery redemption of being suspended not change your heart and wicked ways?!?!? Will you not repent of your sin of defying team rules as laid down by the most Blessed Easterby, er, me???”

“Alright, that’s it! Nick, crucify him!!!”

“Uh coach, sorry, we can’t do that” noted Caserio.

“Then deal with this…NOW!!!”

After a quick call to the EVPFO, the offense committed by the offensive defensive player at Offensive LB was placed on waivers.

Houston Texans v Tennessee Titans
TFW you realize your time with the Texans is over
Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

“Guy just was not getting on-board with Offense Week” shrugged Nick Caserio.

With the Texans now down an offensive LB, the team will seek to snap its 6 quarter zero points offense streak and two game less that the other team’s offensive production streak this coming week against Seattle. Maybe they can avoid sinking to the worst scoring offense numbers in team history. All about improving that offense for this squad. No doubt, more reinforcement will continue with missives like these:

Will this article have more “offense” than the Texans? Highly possible. Will that translate onto the field? We shall see. Until then, we at Totally Not Fake News remain committed to our mission statement:

“We will run all the news that is fit to print, and if it is not, we will run it anyway.”