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Hair of the Dog - Same As It Ever Was Edition (Seahawks/Texans)

The BRB gang get together to watch the inevitable. Only this time I got to watch it at home.

NFL: Seattle Seahawks at Houston Texans
Sigh...yeah, yeah.
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think that also applies to watching the Texans. Or at least watching the Texans and expecting them to do anything other than what they’ve done for the last 13 games. It would also apply to trying to write something new, anything new, to say about this team that hasn’t already been said for the last several weeks doing the same dumb things every dumb week this entire dumb season.

This week, at least the Texans had the decency to give us a redux of the Patriots game wherein they were at least semi-competitive through a good portion of that game before walking into the booby trap that is the second half of the game.

I don’t have a lot more to say, because I’ve already said most of it and I need to conserve words to get through the last four games of the season.

Oh Durga, there’s still four games left.

So let’s just jump straight to the Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work. Any swearing you utter yourself, however, you’re on your own.

I’m going back to playing Stardew Valley.



l4blitzer — 11:44 AM

Looking like a nice day for another Texans derp-fest, no?

bigfatdrunk — 11:54 AM

I wonder if I am even getting the game in Austin again today. Pre-game has been focused on the KC game.

UprootedTexan — 11:58 AM

Greetings from my living room for the one Texans game I’ll get to watch at home this season.

Matt Weston — 11:59 AM

So we are going to do this again huh?

UprootedTexan — 12:00 PM

The Texans seem pretty determined to do so. Why? I have no idea.

It’s not on in Austin, y’all are getting the Cowturds/WFT game.

Matt Weston — 12:01 PM


Carlos Flores — 12:02 PM

Yahoo has been the only way I’ve been able to watch Texans games this season. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not watch the Chiefs

UprootedTexan — 12:02 PM

Oh, this is going to be beautiful.


(Texans first possession)

l4blitzer — 12:03 PM

“Homecoming” for NFL games…yeah, not really buying that…

Carlos Flores — 12:03 PM

Davis Mills will never be our QB of the future.

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

Davis Mills and his three foot-long neck with a handoff there.

bigfatdrunk — 12:04 PM

Rex Burkhead CHUM. Perfect.

l4blitzer — 12:04 PM

Oh good…nice to see consistency with our run game

Carlos Flores — 12:04 PM

Imagine committing to the worst running offense in history

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Oh swell, we already have an injury

l4blitzer — 12:06 PM

Uh, we used a fullback and got 4 yards on a 1st down carry…interesting

Carlos Flores — 12:07 PM

Can the Seahawks really be that bad?

UprootedTexan — 12:07 PM

Imagine committing to the run against one of the worst pass defenses in the league which is riddled with injuries.

Yes, Carlos. Yes they can.

l4blitzer — 12:08 PM

Are, are we…actually offensing kinda good?

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

First timeout four minutes into the game. Because why not, right?

No, this defense is just all [kitten].

bigfatdrunk — 12:08 PM

That had nothing to do with establishing the run and everything to do with terrible defensive play. My [kitten], stop banging the establish the run bull[kitten].

Matt Weston — 12:09 PM

Tim Kelly getting his scripted plays out of the way against a cover three defense and won’t be able to adjust after this drive.

(Mills touchdown to Brevin Jordan for the Texans touchdown! Texans lead 7-0)

Matt Weston — 12:09 PM

lmao Davis Mills stiff arm

bigfatdrunk — 12:09 PM

Are the Seahawks not allowed to play defense today?

l4blitzer — 12:10 PM

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? A TD on the opening drive ?

bigfatdrunk — 12:10 PM

Composed? No pass rush, and guys are open by 15 yards. My goodness.

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

They haven’t been for quite some time this year.

Carlos Flores — 12:10 PM

Weird they had to qualify with “we did not come to bury or praise the Texans”

Matt Weston — 12:10 PM

SEA’s has a [kitten]ty defense and I’m glad Davis could take advantage of it on the first drive

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

This is why folks up here have been talking about a changing of the guard after this season for a while. They think Carroll might be done here.

l4blitzer — 12:11 PM

Great, now we’re gonna have hope for decent offense this game…

Carlos Flores — 12:11 PM

Might be time to let BOB graduate

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

I can only imagine what Seattle sports media must be feeling like right now.

I swear to [Durga] Carlos if you will that into reality I will find you and hurt you. Probably involving squirrels on magic mushrooms.

(Seahawks first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

See, THIS is what I was expecting to see today. Kinda okay offense just wrecking shop on our defense.

Russell Wilson is still a sorcerer.

Carlos Flores — 12:16 PM

Really didn’t think Lockett would hold on to the WR1 spot in Seattle. I thought DK would catch him this year

l4blitzer — 12:16 PM

The Texans have someone other than Grugier-Hill on D, right?

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

For whatever reason Wilson has not been throwing to him much this year.

Matt Weston — 12:17 PM

Terrence Mitchell has been awful since switching from cover 2

Carlos Flores — 12:18 PM


(Seahawks field goal. Texans lead 7-3)

Matt Weston — 12:18 PM

That’s the second play of Garrett Wallow’s career

l4blitzer — 12:19 PM

Gee, who would’ve thought that letting the kids play on a team going nowhere might yield some positive results

Carlos Flores — 12:21 PM

Am I being too cynical when I say I hate film school dropouts trying to create 30 second oscar bait movies in freaking Chevy commercials

UprootedTexan — 12:21 PM

It’s Christmas time, tis the season to be schlocky, fa la la la la la buy our stuff.

(Texans second possession)

Matt Weston — 12:21 PM

No. All marketing is demonic and terrible, but since nearly all products are the same as the competition, marketing is what you are paying for.

UprootedTexan — 12:22 PM


l4blitzer — 12:22 PM

Texans down to three healthy wideouts…but ya know, character…and a chance to further emphasize the running game

Matt Weston — 12:22 PM

Also, it’s people who graduate from film school making these commercials, because they don’t have the ability to make anything else.

Carlos Flores — 12:23 PM

Lmaooo good point

Goodness gracious we may never have a positive run again

UprootedTexan — 12:24 PM

Because we had so many of them before.

Ahhhh, that’s the offense I’ve been expecting.

(Seahawks second possession)

Matt Weston — 12:25 PM

God that was an awful playcall on the quick flat hit

l4blitzer — 12:26 PM

Commentators complaining that the Texans not going for it on 4th and 2…uh, y’all have been watching this team all season, right? You know this a David Culley operation, right?

UprootedTexan — 12:27 PM

Right? I heard that and thought “oh, bless your heart, Chris Rose.”

Matt Weston — 12:28 PM

Houston’s pass protection has carried them so far.

UprootedTexan — 12:29 PM

Good run stop by Greenard there.

I miss good quarterbacking like that.

l4blitzer — 12:32 PM

So, if KGH ain’t involved on the play, bad things then…

UprootedTexan — 12:32 PM

See, THIS is the kind of game I was expecting.

Oh my [Durga] there’s a SEA-HAWKS chant at the Texans game.

Carlos Flores — 12:33 PM

Lol that is amazing.

l4blitzer — 12:33 PM

Oh yeah, you can hear it quite definitively

Carlos Flores — 12:34 PM

That was a nice run to the end zone

(Seahawks touchdown. Seahawks lead 10-7)

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

The Texans are going to singlehandedly resurrect Rashaad Penny’s career.

Carlos Flores — 12:34 PM

Zach Cunningham would have saved that


l4blitzer — 12:37 PM

But, culture…the culture trumps all

bigfatdrunk — 12:37 PM

The defense is so lol.

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

LOL, the last time Penny scored was two [kitten]ing years ago.

Carlos Flores — 12:38 PM

You know what’s funny is that in one of my recent job interviews the sales manager was talking about how everyone meshes really well together as a team and I said “that’s great, culture is so important to success”. I internally wanted to die

bigfatdrunk — 12:39 PM

Sounds like our next HC to me, Carlos!

(Texans third possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:39 PM

Personally, I would’ve turned and walked out of the interview after that.

Carlos Flores — 12:40 PM

Lol it was a zoom interview so I should have just slammed the laptop shut

UprootedTexan — 12:41 PM

PA: That’s good for a Texans...


Carlos Flores — 12:44 PM

Are we buying this Lamar Jackson slump as actual regression? They were never a pass first team but it’s getting ridiculous at this point

Cant believe that pass to Cooks completed

UprootedTexan — 12:45 PM

That had no business being caught. Impressive job by Cooks.

Matt_Robinson — 12:45 PM

Ravens are pretty injured right now at least.

Xmas movie of the day is done and i am free to move about the cabin

UprootedTexan — 12:46 PM

Penalty count: 2 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference)

What was the movie?

Carlos Flores — 12:47 PM

This is prime Fairbairn disappointment time

Matt_Robinson — 12:47 PM

OG home alone. One of my daughters faves

Carlos Flores — 12:47 PM

Oooo, that’s an all-timer!

UprootedTexan — 12:47 PM



Carlos Flores — 12:48 PM

Roughing the snapper. No idea when the last time I saw that was

UprootedTexan — 12:48 PM

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Pete Carroll look so [kitten]ed.

l4blitzer — 12:49 PM

Ah, Seattle catching our dumbness…cool

UprootedTexan — 12:49 PM

I didn’t even know that was a penalty that existed.

l4blitzer — 12:49 PM

One does not simple walk into NRG Stadium and mess with Jon Weeks

Carlos Flores — 12:49 PM

Cooks remains the only fantasy viable player on our team.

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

I find as I get older that I’m way more sympathetic to the parents in Home Alone. Because Kevin is kind of a little [kitten] in that movie.

l4blitzer — 12:51 PM

Come on Culley, give us that busted challenge

UprootedTexan — 12:52 PM

Penalty count: 3 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference, Illegal formation)

Matt_Robinson — 12:52 PM

Uncle Frank is a metaphor for the dark side of humans

l4blitzer — 12:53 PM

Aaaannnnnndddd we are back to our regularly scheduled undisciplined action at the worst possible time

Matt Weston — 12:54 PM

Can someone explain the FG unnecessary roughness penalty for me? I still don’t get it

UprootedTexan — 12:54 PM

I have to know exactly who demanded that Joe Millionaire be brought back.

They apparently hit the long snapper in the neck or head area which is a penalty and the first I’m hearing of this.

l4blitzer — 12:56 PM

Welcome to your 2021 Houston Texans offense

UprootedTexan — 12:56 PM

LOL, imagine going for it on fourth and goal in a David Culley offense.


Matt Weston — 12:58 PM


UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

That drive after the roughing the long snapper penalty was the “THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF A MEETING” of offensive drives.

(Fairbairn field goal is good. Game tied at 10-10)

(Seahawks third possession)

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

Shocked, shocked to see there is a penalty

UprootedTexan — 1:02 PM

Okay, I’ll say it, BOB’s clock management was better than Culley’s.

Penalty count: 4 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference-offense, Illegal formation, Pass interference-defense)

l4blitzer — 1:04 PM

I’m glad to see that the Cunningham waving did so much for the team discipline

(Texans fourth possession)


Matt Weston — 1:09 PM

That’s the best Tavieere Thomas coverage rep this season

UprootedTexan — 1:12 PM



bigfatdrunk — 1:13 PM


UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM

Damn near CHUM’d our way to a safety.

Matt Weston — 1:14 PM

Al Woods is crushing Houston’s interior today

UprootedTexan — 1:16 PM


(Seahawks fourth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:17 PM

Knute Rockne thinks that Culley is too conservative on offense

Matt Weston — 1:18 PM

This Pete Carroll v. David Culley coaching battle is really showing us who has the driest diaper and the softest stool in the nursing home

UprootedTexan — 1:19 PM

I feel like Rob Gronkowski knows a lot of wallet inspectors.

Oh holy [kitten].

(Seahawks touchdown. Seahawks lead 16-10)

bigfatdrunk — 1:20 PM


UprootedTexan — 1:21 PM

I had a feeling they were going to score a touchdown but I thought it would take LONGER THAN THAT!

(Texans fifth possession)

Matt Weston — 1:22 PM

Terrence Mitchell isn’t good

UprootedTexan — 1:23 PM

I would’ve laughed my tits off if that was picked off.

l4blitzer — 1:23 PM

A good special teams play? I guess even a blind squirrel…

UprootedTexan — 1:25 PM

Penalty count: 5 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference-offense, Illegal formation, Pass interference-defense, Holding)

l4blitzer — 1:26 PM

Here in the DMV, and who would’ve thought the Texans would be more competitive than the Ravens or the WFTs?

UprootedTexan — 1:26 PM

I dare you to send Fairbairn out there.

(Fairbairn field goal attempt is good. Seahawks lead 16-13)

Matt_Robinson — 1:27 PM

WFT is the only team who has had as many different o line combinations as Houston

UprootedTexan — 1:27 PM

61 yard field goal, I’m stunned.

Matt Weston — 1:27 PM

get the [kitten] out of here

UprootedTexan — 1:28 PM

I thought they might. The Seahawks have been all [kitten] this season.

l4blitzer — 1:28 PM

Fairbairn with some culture man-kick strength


(Seahawks to receive to start second half)

Matt_Robinson — 1:28 PM

DieHardChris is rolling in his seat right now

UprootedTexan — 1:30 PM we feeling, y’all?

Longest field goal in team history, by the way.

l4blitzer — 1:31 PM

This is quite a competitive half of footballing between two not-good teams. Credit to Mills for the good start. However, the abhorrent lack of discipline continues to haunt this team . Throw in some of the usual WT[Easterby] game strategy, and thus the Texans are on the short end of the scoreboard…again. Nice kick to end the half though.

bigfatdrunk — 1:32 PM

Memories of the Patriots game.

Mills is 16/21/175 1/0, and the #Texans have just 13 points in the first half. Just about everything has gone right on the offensive side of the ball, & it’s still incompetent against a terrible defense.

Seahawks’ win probability is 80.4% at half.

Matt_Robinson — 1:33 PM

This is what I expected out of the Jets game. It’s sad how on par the Seahawks are in ineptitude. Mills is performing admirably


(Seahawks fifth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 1:41 PM

Holy cow that stadium is empty.

UprootedTexan — 1:43 PM

You can hear them chant SEA-HAWKS during Seahawks possessions.

bigfatdrunk — 1:44 PM

Another missed throw by Wilson.

UprootedTexan — 1:45 PM

Although to be fair that one should’ve been caught.

Oh [kitten], our entire defense is injured.

Grugier-Hill is down.

(Texans sixth possession)

Matt_Robinson — 1:49 PM

Rip to the entire defense going down

Matt Weston — 1:50 PM


bigfatdrunk — 1:50 PM

Was that [kitten]ing Easterby???

UprootedTexan — 1:50 PM

I don’t know I missed it.

Matt Weston — 1:50 PM

Maybe DK Metcalf should learn the rest of his route tree instead of looking up new colors to dye his hair

l4blitzer — 1:50 PM

Mills has a strong first half, so of course, the CHUM

…which actually worked the second time

bigfatdrunk — 1:51 PM

A screen that worked???

UprootedTexan — 1:52 PM

Aaaaaaaaand we’re back to our old selves.

bigfatdrunk — 1:53 PM


Well, the screen worked once, let’s do it twice! Oh.

l4blitzer — 1:59 PM

Our second half defense is playing to form

Kenneth L. — 2:00 PM

Lonnie Johnson that was horrific

Matt Weston — 2:00 PM

lol poor Lonnie

Kenneth L. — 2:00 PM

Is this the turnaround game for the Saints?

bigfatdrunk — 2:00 PM

Eat Metcalf’s hand, LJJ.

Kenneth L. — 2:00 PM

Oh man Jeff swain missed a wide open TD for the Titans

UprootedTexan — 2:02 PM

The Saints are playing the Jets so I’m not sure they’re getting right so much as they’re playing another all [kitten] team.

l4blitzer — 2:02 PM

“I don’t like that matchup” - commentator discussing LJJ on Metcalf. Yeah, you and everyone not on the Seattle sideline

UprootedTexan — 2:02 PM

That’s coming back.

That piped in crowd noise is really excited right now.

Carlos Flores — 2:03 PM

Called back the Metcalf touchdown. Fantasy depression

l4blitzer — 2:03 PM

Fear not, for the LJJ is still there

Carlos Flores — 2:04 PM

They almost converted on the BOB draw lmao

UprootedTexan — 2:04 PM

I’m surprised Seattle isn’t going for it here.

bigfatdrunk — 2:04 PM


(Seahawks field goal. Seahawks lead 19-13)

Matt Weston — 2:05 PM

I really hate this one eye black illumanti fad going on in football right now

Kenneth L. — 2:05 PM

DK is a weird doood

UprootedTexan — 2:05 PM

He’s fun though.

l4blitzer — 2:05 PM

But now you force the Texans to score a TD in the second half in a non-garbage time situation…not a bad bet for this year

Kenneth L. — 2:06 PM

My dad and I were going to go to the game today but opted out.

Love they opened the stadium even when it’s warm they should do it more often. It’s not like the fans will be loud

UprootedTexan — 2:07 PM

I think they were trying to psych out the Seahawks who are used to playing in loud stadiums.

[Durga], I can’t wait to go to the Chargers game.

(Texans seventh possession)

l4blitzer — 2:11 PM

Are we using up all of the good screens for the team this year in this game?

UprootedTexan — 2:11 PM

They expire if we don’t use them. They’re like credit card miles.

Royce Freeman has yet to have a positive yardage run.

l4blitzer — 2:13 PM

Seattle is determined to beat the Texans in all aspects of today’s game, and that includes penalties.

Kenneth L. — 2:13 PM

He is no good very bad

Seattle has always been undisciplined. But were good and got away with it. Now they can’t

Matt_Robinson — 2:14 PM

More like Toyota Freeman

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

Correction, he had one run for one yard.

bigfatdrunk — 2:14 PM

You can really see Mills’ accuracy disappearing throughout the game.

Matt_Robinson — 2:14 PM

bigfatdrunk — 2:14 PM

He started 14/14, and he’s now 6/15 after that.

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

Pinto Freeman.

Kenneth L. — 2:14 PM

His footy work gets worse and worse

Pontiac Freeman

Matt Weston — 2:15 PM

I wonder how bad Anthony Miller was in practice for them to replace him with Danny Amendola and Phillip Dorsett

Kenneth L. — 2:15 PM


Matt Weston — 2:15 PM

It’s because they had 12 plays they scripted entering this game, and now that they blew their load, they don’t have anything else

Kenneth L. — 2:15 PM

Yeah the turnover this year has been horrific

l4blitzer — 2:15 PM

Yugo Freeman…with Edsel Mills…wonderful combination

UprootedTexan — 2:15 PM

Penalty count: 6 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference-offense, Illegal formation, Pass interference-defense, Holding, False start)

Matt_Robinson — 2:15 PM

Are you kidding me?

UprootedTexan — 2:16 PM

Justin Reid being evaluated for concussion. Sure, fine, whatever.

It’s fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Matt Weston — 2:17 PM

Get ready for LJJ to move back to safety lmao

(Seahawks seventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

That would’ve been an amazing pick by Greenard.

Matt_Robinson — 2:20 PM

That would have been ama- yes I agree

UprootedTexan — 2:20 PM



(Texans eighth possession)

l4blitzer — 2:22 PM

Go to the bathroom mirror and say his name 5 times…it is rumored he will then appear

Matt Weston — 2:22 PM

Everything the University of Texas has provided to the world since 2005 is awful. A punter with a terrible tattoo sleeve? Sure. Bill O’Brien is exactly what they need.

UprootedTexan — 2:22 PM

Inshallah, Big Matt.


Matt_Robinson — 2:25 PM


UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM

Burkhead questionable to return now. The wheels really are coming off now aren’t they?

Matt_Robinson — 2:26 PM


The success of the screen game is positive reinforcement I don’t want this team to have

bigfatdrunk — 2:30 PM

CHUMming my way back to you, babe.

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

LOL, the cheers for the sack are loud as hell.

bigfatdrunk — 2:31 PM

Loudest the stadium has been!

Matt Weston — 2:31 PM

Darrell Taylor has had some absurd reps this year

UprootedTexan — 2:31 PM

They need to fire Culley for throwing to tight ends who aren’t Jeff Driskel.

(Seahawks eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:36 PM

The Seahawks playcalling is [kitten].

Matt Weston — 2:37 PM

The Texans signed 12 linebackers this offseason and it still wasn’t enough

Matt_Robinson — 2:39 PM

I’ve been waiting so long for Lonnie Johnson to tackle like he’s as big as he is consistently

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

Penalty count: 7 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference-offense, Illegal formation, Pass interference-defense, Holding, False start, Pass interference-defense)

Matt_Robinson — 2:40 PM

Lonnie that was so bad

UprootedTexan — 2:40 PM

I heard a lot of cheering when I went upstairs to get lunch so I knew something went well for the Seahawks.

And there’s a 12th Man flag. This is a Seahawks home game now.

(Touchdown Seahawks. Seahawks lead 27-13)

bigfatdrunk — 2:43 PM

That’s a TD.

(Texans ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:45 PM

I feel so much better now. This getting close to winning thing was kind of scary.

Desmond King being evaluated for concussion.

Kenneth L. — 2:50 PM

David Mills Is bad. Who knew

Mills loves throwing to covered players

UprootedTexan — 2:51 PM

BuT He GivES ThEM tHE bEsT cHaNcE to wIN, Kenneth!

Matt_Robinson — 2:51 PM


(Seahawks ninth possession)

Matt_Robinson — 2:52 PM

Davis Mills

(Seahawks touchdown. Seahawks lead 33-13)

Kenneth L. — 2:53 PM


UprootedTexan — 2:54 PM

You know how this works, Kenneth. They either extend LJJ or they cut him and resign Vernon Hargreaves. Is that what you want?

(Texans tenth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:54 PM

You know what? I’m starting to think the Texans aren’t coming back from this one.

Wow, they managed to wedge in that 24-0 playoff game somehow.

Kenneth L. — 2:59 PM

That hurt

And didn’t even mention who the players are

UprootedTexan — 3:00 PM

Penalty count: 8 (Unnecessary roughness (Declined), Pass interference-offense, Illegal formation, Pass interference-defense, Holding, False start, Pass interference-defense, Holding)

Kenneth L. — 3:00 PM

Everything hurts

(Turnover on downs. Seahawks ball)

(Seahawks tenth possession)

Kenneth L. — 3:01 PM

And yes UT that’s what I want, what I really really want

UprootedTexan — 3:01 PM

Seattle should just go victory formation from here on out and watch our team completely crap itself for the next four minutes.

bigfatdrunk — 3:04 PM

Remember when Mills was 14/14 and the world was perfect?

UprootedTexan — 3:09 PM

Pain. Just pain.

(Texans eleventh possession)

Kenneth L. — 3:12 PM

Okay nico Collins

I see you

UprootedTexan — 3:15 PM

Nico Collins might be the one bright spot of this entire season.




You know the rules. No win, no game balls.

Now it’s your turn to tell us how you felt about the game. Let us know below!