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BRB Groupthink: Drive the Tank

The masthead gets together to discuss their rooting interest in this weekend’s STUPOR BOWL.


This weekend is the STUPOR BOWL. The 2-12 Texans v.the 2-12 Jaguars. It’s going to be stupid, it’s going to be gruesome, it’s going to be outrageous, it’s going to be unbelievable.

Are you going to be rooting for the Texans to stave off the embarrassment of losing to the Jaguars, or are you going to root for the tank, to help bring Houston one step closer to a top two pick?

This is the question I asked the masthead. These are their responses:


I am most definitely rooting against the Texans the rest of the year and for the foreseeable future.

As long as Jack Easterby has #Failson’s brain under his control, this franchise doesn’t deserve my love or money. Attention? Sure, I’ll give them that just for the lulz alone. After all, it is the Texans, so you know they will find new, exciting, and stupid ways to lose football games.

For now, I want them to lose often and badly, or at least until something changes with this toxic positivity clown car of a dumpster fire that is this franchise.


On principle, being a Texans fan, I would never say no to the team winning a game. Concurrently, I can never, ever root for the Urbz, so I can clearly not hope for the Texans to lose to him.

That all being said, I am actually, really looking forward to this Derp-fest of a pillow fight. If for no other reason because it has all the makings of a bad cult classic. It will be poorly run, directed and executed. The dialogue will suck, the action will possess a high degree of corniness, and the performances by the players will be over-the-top campy and bad.

Yet, it will be so bad on all of those fronts that it will suck you in, that you can’t or won’t want to turn away. It will be so bad that it will be stupid good. This will be the type of game that could be legendary.

As for any draft position type stuff, does any fan of either franchise have any legitimate hope that their respective team won’t [Easterby] it up royally? The Jags are already on the road to Blake Bortles-ing Lawrence and the Texans have no real recent experience dealing successfully with high draft picks.

So, forget the future and seize the stupid of today. As for who “wins” on the field or in the draft, it doesn’t matter. If the dumbness factor plays out like I hope, then everyone wins.

Concurrently, I can never, ever root for the Urbz, so I can clearly not hope for the Texans to lose to him, which won’t be an issue anymore.


If you really stop and think about it, how badly does winning really hurt your draft stock. Houston is a train wreck and we need everything L, if we win this game and fall pick two to three there is still going to be a player there that fills a hole. Unless you really love one of the top two edge rushers in this class that’s the only reason you should really root against the Texans.

With all that being said we’re playing the Jags, if there’s somebody worse then the Texans it’s the Jags and I think I speak for everyone when I say “screw the jaguars”. If Houston was playing any other team I would understand rooting against them but Jacksonville is just so unlikeable I would honestly rather root for Bill O’Brein then root for Jacksonville.

It’s a lost season regardless so whatever happens happens but just don’t embarrass us anymore then you already have please Houston.


Since there’s no top quarterback and the Texans aren’t in a position to draft one early due to the bulimic nature of the roster, the Texans should trade out of their spot to hopefully acquire more picks. This may be a lower year to get high returns, but the Texans need talent in troves, not generational talent. I’d rather five second and third round players than getting two or three first rounders. It’s volume over potential right now.

I always believe it to be good for the franchise to win, even if it sacrifices draft picks. The draft is such a murky land and so easily able to get lost in. It’s more about HITTING on your draft picks than having high draft picks. There’s talent throughout the draft, so having the first pick isn’t as important as having MULTIPLE picks. Volume. Volume. Volume. Location. Location. Location. Same gist.


I just want to be entertained. I guess an honest answer is that the win is meaningless to me, and that I believe the long-term interests of the team are better served by losing. But I can’t pull myself to actively cheer for them to lose.


Urban Meyer getting fired merely hours before this alters my thinking a tad. With a loss having no sway over the end of his tenure this game seems to have even lower stakes than before. Win or loss I believe the draft implications are too minimal to actively root against the Texans. The biggest fear in all of this being that Jacksonville snags one of the perceived top edge prospects to replace failed pick K’Lavon Chaisson. That being said some of my favorite prospects in the top ten are players with a lower positional value such as safety Kyle Hamilton or center Tyler Linderbaum. The third edge in George Karlaftis is not even that far off from the consensus guys (Thibodeaux & Hutchinson) everyone mentions at the top. The biggest way this game comes back to bite Houston is if Jacksonville ultimately uses this draft position to trade back with a eager franchise attempting to roll the dice on a quarterback this year.


At this point, the only thing left to cling to is the team losing so much that Noobmaster69 and the rest of Cal’s Minecraft Crew tease him relentlessly for being a chronic loser to the point he up and sells the team due to overwhelming peer pressure.

Yes, that’s a ridiculous thing to hope for, but so is expecting this abysmally run franchise to do anything worth watching anytime soon.