Houston Texans Final Score/Post-Game Recap: Texans 30, Jaguars 16

What did you want? Did you want the Houston Texans to lose so they could help their draft stock? Did you want Houston to win so they could stave off the embarrassment of losing to the Jacksonville Jaguars? Did you merely want to be entertained?

If a loss is what you wanted, the Texans failed you. The Detroit Lions have the Arizona Cardinals’ number and did the unthinkable—they took down a Super Bowl contending Cardinals team. Detroit’s win opened the door for both the Jaguars and Texans to slide to the first overall pick of the 2022 NFL Draft with a loss today. The Jaguars were the team to take advantage of this. Jacksonville is now set to pick first overall in back-to-back seasons.

If saving face is what you wanted, the Texans made it up to you. Davis Mills threw short of the sticks and quick-passed the Texans’ offense to success. Tremon Smith returned a kick for a touchdown. Trevor Lawrence missed throws and the Jaguars dropped passes. Houston’s run defense played better than they have for the majority of the season. Darrell Bevell traded field goals instead of going for it. A Brandin Cooks screen pass touchdown iced the game. The 2021 Houston Texans can’t do much of anything at all, but they can beat the Jacksonville Jaguars.

If entertainment is what you wanted, the Texans and Jaguars provided all of that. Cooks slipped off a boot to the right to score after Tim Kelly had run this combination 25+ times. A fan ran on the field on a James Robinson touchdown run. Smith returned the first kickoff for a touchdown for the Texans since Jacoby Jones did it back in 2009. The lifeguard was afraid of getting wet in a pool. David Culley rocked polarized shades until the rain turned him back into a crab fisherman. There was a Corgi race at halftime. Lawrence failed to convert a quarterback sneak on 4th and 1. Tyson Campbell ran through Jordan Akins to pick off a pass. Kai’imi Fairbairn made another 50+ yard field goal. Laviska Shenault ran through defenders. Lonnie Johnson Jr. defended a vertical pass. Each quarterback failed to throw past the sticks on third down. Terrible screen designer Tim Kelly designed a third down screen that broke out into a Brandin Cooks touchdown to win the game.

The STUPOR BOWL had it all for everyone, even those who wanted the Texans to lose for draft purposes. Because at the heart of it, in a game where frogs rained from the sky, we all were gifted something completely absurd, ridiculous, and stupefying. In a lost season for both teams, today gave us all something, no matter what our hearts wanted the most.

There’s three more of these left. Next week, on the day after Christmas, the Texans gift us a game against Justin Herbert and the Los Angeles Chargers on Sunday, December 26th, at 12 p.m. CST.