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Hair of the Dog: The Long, Weird Early Afternoon Of The Soul Edition (Texans/Jags II)

The BRB gang get together to talk about what will likely be the Texans’ last win of the season. Let’s do this!

Syndication: Florida Times-Union Corey Perrine/Florida Times-Union / USA TODAY NETWORK

In sports there are certain things you root for that you know you’re going to have trouble justifying to yourself. Hoping for the other team’s star running back to get a season ending injury is one of those things; it’s hard in that you don’t want to see someone suffer a catastrophic injury but you also want them to stop being on the field in order to improve your team’s chances of winning.

Rooting for a team you care about to tank is right up there. In your heart of hearts, you know you don’t want your team to lose. But at the same time, you have eyes in your head and those eyes can clearly see that your team is going to be awful and winning football games is not going to be in your team’s long term interests this year. So you watch and you accept fate that your team will be bad and wait to see how bad things get.

Then your team exceeds all your worst expectations and is in the running for not just a high draft pick but THE high draft pick. All it has to do is lose the rest of its games and hope for some unlucky saps to lose to the bad teams ahead of you.

The only two teams ahead of the Texans going into today’s game were the Lions and the Jags. The Lions would go on to beat the Cardinals and go to 2-11-1 on the season; meaning the loser of the Texans/Jags game would get sole possession of the first overall pick in the draft with three games to go.

You think “this is...well, not ‘great’ but a higher draft pick is still better than a less high draft pick,” and then your team gets out to an early lead against the only other team in your way for the first overall pick.

Two thoughts occur at once: The first is your normal brain feeling happy that your football team is winning a game and might get a third win on the season. The second is your primal brain seething that your team is blowing its chance to get the top pick in the draft by winning a meaningless game against a meaningless team.

How do you react? Do you lean into the win and accept a small bit of happiness in a long, dreary season that is inching close to a merciful close? Or do you howl into the void cursing the unkindness of fate by giving your team a win when they most definitely didn’t need it?

Several hours after the game ended, I have found a small degree of tranquility in that it’s nice to know what it’s like for the Texans to win one more time this season. But during the game, I cannot say past me shared the same sentiment as present (Sunday at 11:54 pm CST) me.

But that’s football, I guess; full of ups and downs, like a rollercoaster designed by H.P. Lovecraft.

And on that philosophical note, let’s move on to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make this thread safe to read at work.

Since I will be visiting my family in Houston for Christmas for the first time in 17 years, I will be unable to take part in or write HOTD until probably the final week of the season. So if I don’t “see” any of y’all before then, I’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, a pleasant December to Remember Brought To You By Lexus, and I will see you next year.



UprootedTexan – 10:40 AM

We wish we didn’t have to watch this, We wish we didn’t have to watch this, We wish we didn’t have to watch this, But we’re gonna watch here

Matt Weston — 10:45 AM


[Durga] [kitten] this is going to rock what an incredible and beautiful day I love being alive so much I wouldn’t want to live any either way

l4blitzer — 10:56 AM

Apparently Howard will be back at LG today, so this game is already living down to its potential

Matt_Robinson — 11:10 AM

For literally 1 game

Matt Weston — 11:56 AM

I don’t think HOU really has an option at LG aside from Toner. If they are trying to win, moving Howard to LG is their best option.



(Texans first possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:04 PM

Not even on in Austin. Seems fitting.

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

Total offense ranked 32nd, Pass offense ranked 31st, Run offense ranked 32nd. It’s so beautiful I could cry.

Carlos Flores — 12:05 PM

Gotta drop one more spot to complete the trifecta

That delay of game should help

UprootedTexan — 12:05 PM

Penalty count: 1 (Delay of Game)

This Stupor Bowl is already off to a terrific start.

Carlos Flores — 12:06 PM

I have a weird feeling that the Jags will feel empowered with Bevell back in charge and will crush us.

UprootedTexan — 12:06 PM

Oh they’re going to kick the [kitten] out of us.

bigfatdrunk — 12:07 PM

I can find one. I didn’t know if somebody might have something handy.

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

I do, I just had to pull up the email that I had the links on from early in the pandemic.

Kenneth L. — 12:08 PM

I appreciate the QB sneak. Drive starting well.

Matt Weston — 12:09 PM

lol yeah because of a punt penalty

UprootedTexan — 12:09 PM up the middle....

Kenneth L. — 12:10 PM

2nd downs are useless. Pointless plays.

Third downs are all the rage.

Matt Weston — 12:10 PM

every run in this offense is pointless

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

I’m going to laugh so hard if Darrell Bevell hands our [kitten]es to us today.

bigfatdrunk — 12:11 PM

One thing I really don’t understand is the love for Mills. He’s real bad. The rest of the offense doesn’t matter a lick.

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

I still don’t understand how we have the next to worst rushing offense with the terrifying combination of ::checks notes:: Dvid Johnson and Rex Burkhead in the backfield.

Kenneth L. — 12:11 PM

The jags were favored by 5.5. I’m sorry how the hell was that the case. Hammer the under

UprootedTexan — 12:12 PM

I think it’s because they fired Urban Meyer.

Kenneth L. — 12:12 PM

Every time Johnson tries to cut back I immediately think “here comes a big hit”

Carlos Flores — 12:12 PM

They did see a noticeable jump after he was given to boot

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM


(Mills to Brandin Cooks for the touchdown. Texans lead 7-0)

Kenneth L. — 12:14 PM

Cooks and mills is a developing combo!

bigfatdrunk — 12:14 PM

15th play of the drive and still not even to the 20. This is why Mills is bad: he doesn’t push the ball downfield.

Kenneth L. — 12:14 PM

Woot woot

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM


Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM

Brandin Cooks is a gem that should be somewhere better

bigfatdrunk — 12:15 PM

LOL! And the Jags forget to cover Cooks yet again.

l4blitzer — 12:16 PM

Guess the Jags D is still in mourning over the Fall of the House of Urbz

Matt Weston — 12:16 PM

Tim Kelly finally mixed up the quick boot right by having Brandin Cooks slip to the middle of the field

(Jags first possession)

Kenneth L. — 12:20 PM

Laviska I was never impressed with in college. I’m very okay with him being their weapon

UprootedTexan — 12:20 PM

LOL, just leave him wide [kitten] open.

Penalty count: 2 (Delay of game, hands to the face)

Carlos Flores — 12:21 PM

Eric Murray doing Eric Murray things

UprootedTexan — 12:21 PM

Class, thank Eric Murray for the stupid penalty he gave the rest of the class.

Awwwww, Mike Glennon’s playing QB for the Giants today. Good for him!


Lions are up 3-0. STOP THE COUNT!

Ugh, field goal, you [kitten]ing [kittens].

(Jags field goal. Texans lead 7-3)

bigfatdrunk — 12:27 PM


UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

Oh look it’s the bridge, the literal one visually different thing that Jacksonville has.

Kenneth L. — 12:29 PM

Let’s goooo

Carlos Flores — 12:29 PM


UprootedTexan — 12:29 PM

(Texans return kickoff 98 yards for the touchdown. Texans lead 14-3)


Kenneth L. — 12:29 PM

I thought that looked good from the beginning

Carlos Flores — 12:29 PM

It feels like the last time we got one of those was the Keshawn Martin was around

Kenneth L. — 12:29 PM

No UT this is good

3rd or 4pick in the draft!

bigfatdrunk — 12:30 PM

Jacoby Jones. DRINK!

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

We have a shot at the first or second still though!

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

Unpossible!!! Unpossible!!! I thought that was not possible…The Urbz was fired and WE are the ones fired up?!?!?! Jags…it is not supposed to work that way…

UprootedTexan — 12:32 PM

Or we did until the Texans decided to wear a fake mustache and pretend to be a competent team.

Yikes, that injury for the Jags looks pretty bad if he can’t even get up to get into the cart.

First kickoff return since 2009, no wonder I’d forgotten we could do that.

Matt Weston — 12:33 PM

At least Derek Rivers is happy

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

At this rate we might have to debate worst Christmas movies because the Texans will be too far ahead in the game.

l4blitzer — 12:35 PM

Oh, don’t be so sure…there is the second half and the Texans in the second half….

Matt Weston — 12:35 PM

I can’t believe Houston can’t draft Aidan Hutchinson because of Tremon Smith.

UprootedTexan — 12:35 PM

That’s a very valid point, Scott.

(Jags second possession)

I kinda miss Jakespeare.

Kenneth L. — 12:37 PM

Yes. Unlessssss we get the 1st. Give me the 4th

Yes. Unlesssss we get the 1st give me the 4th

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

Penalty count: 3 (delay of game, facemask, offsides (offset by Jags penalty))

Carlos Flores — 12:39 PM

The Jags should run a PA boot and turn Trevor Lawrence into Matt Schaub

bigfatdrunk — 12:42 PM

Yet another game where the Texans start with a loooooooooong opening drive and take an early lead. I wonder if those Jets/Patriots or Titans?

UprootedTexan — 12:43 PM

I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this.

bigfatdrunk — 12:43 PM

Duke Johnson with a rushing TD for the Fins.

Carlos Flores — 12:44 PM

Good for him, they always do better once they’re out of here.

UprootedTexan — 12:44 PM

It was a bad culture TD.

Like literally always, it’s freakin’ weird.

Penalty count: 4 (delay of game, facemask, offsides (offset by Jags penalty), offsides (declined))

Carlos Flores — 12:48 PM

This is more familiar

(Jags touchdown. Texans lead 14-10)

UprootedTexan — 12:48 PM

Okay, there’s still hope for number one.

bigfatdrunk — 12:49 PM

LOL! Too [kitten] easy.

Matt Weston — 12:49 PM

[Durga] this run defense is awful

l4blitzer — 12:49 PM

Best hit of the day…Jacksonville law enforcement…probably the only defense on the field

Matt Weston — 12:50 PM

I can’t believe Bill O’Brien turned an all-time great run defense into this

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

That was the real 12th man right there. Texas A&M and the Seahawks can both suck it.

Trying to convince my wife to let me run onto the field during the Chargers game next week. She’s threatening divorce if I try it.

(Texans second possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:50 PM

Penalty count: 5 (delay of game, facemask, offsides (offset by Jags penalty), offsides (declined), false start)


(Sees sack)

How could this possibly have hap—

(Sees Max Scharping on field)

Never mind.

LOL, and now for something completely different: a massive deluge.

(Jags third possession)

Carlos Flores — 1:00 PM

Mercilus sack right there

UprootedTexan — 1:00 PM

I swear I thought Smith was rubbing his nipples after that sack.

Carlos Flores — 1:01 PM

That would be a great sack celebration

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

It would make this game so much better.

Looks like King’s hurt again.

Matt Weston — 1:02 PM

This game is incredible

(Texans third possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:04 PM

You can barely see the game through the rain. It’s wonderful.

Penalty count: 6 (delay of game, facemask, offsides (offset by Jags penalty), offsides (declined), false start, holding)

(Fairbairn 52 yard field goal is good. Texans lead 17-10)

l4blitzer — 1:12 PM

Fairbairn…an all-wx weapon???

Matt Weston — 1:12 PM

That’s why he makes $5 million a year

UprootedTexan — 1:13 PM

That’s the top 10 kicker money at work.

(Jags fourth possession)


Carlos Flores — 1:14 PM

I will pound the pavement in perpetuity to expose Ka’imi as an overpaid kicker.

Matt Weston — 1:17 PM

I agree!

UprootedTexan — 1:19 PM

Crap, I’ve lost count on the penalty counter. I know it’s eight now but I don’t remember what the one before this holding call was.

Ow, I hurt just watching that Robinson hit.

(Turnover on downs. Texans ball)

(Texans fourth possession)

Okay 21 seconds, let’s see what comedy we can squeeze in before the half.

Carlos Flores — 1:23 PM

They’re setting up Fairbairn to fail

UprootedTexan — 1:25 PM

Detroit’s up 17-0. If this holds, whoever loses this game might have sole possession of the first overall pick.

Matt Weston — 1:26 PM

I think I just saw Jack Easterby’s wet nipples lmao

UprootedTexan — 1:26 PM


Carlos Flores — 1:26 PM

Going to need a screenshot of those big Matt

bigfatdrunk — 1:26 PM


(Fairbairn 52 yard field goal attempt is good. Texans lead 20-10)

UprootedTexan — 1:28 PM

Did Ka’imi sell his soul to Bud Adams or something?


l4blitzer — 1:29 PM

Yeah, thanks Matt…ain’t enough whiskey in the world to kill that pain

UprootedTexan — 1:30 PM

I’m sending today’s BWW bill to you Matt because I’m going to have to drink maybe half a dozen LIITs for that image.

l4blitzer — 1:36 PM

Go figure, the Texans are playing like the team that just sacked their despised coach. Of course, that was the first half. The Texans haven’t scored in the second half in 3 straight games. A tie is still very much in play.


(Jags fifth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:41 PM

Jags doing a very nice impression of NRG Stadium right there.

Ooooooh, look at those 42 rushing yards.

(Texans sixth possession)

Just when I start to really fully embrace the tank they start pulling [kitten] like this.

bigfatdrunk — 1:49 PM

JFK, Cooks was wide open by a mile. It still shocks me how inaccurate Mills becomes after the first scripted plays.

l4blitzer — 1:50 PM

Fans: I hope our team loses; Texans: ok, we will have one of our best overall games of the season

UprootedTexan — 1:51 PM

So chip shot field goal means Fairbairn somehow kicks it through the OPPOSITE uprights, correct?

(Fairbairn field goal is good. Texans lead 23-10)

::kisses hopes of first overall pick goodbye::

l4blitzer — 1:53 PM

Hey, there is always hope for the 2023 draft

UprootedTexan — 1:53 PM

What is...hope?

(Jags sixth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:54 PM

Well, it is the concept that…it’s sorta like…well, assume you cheered for some team not run by the McEasterby

LJJ has entered the game

UprootedTexan — 1:57 PM

I’m...I’m confused.

Carlos Flores — 2:00 PM

These Jacksonville drives are so incredibly ugly

Joe Critz — 2:00 PM

Hey guys!

UprootedTexan — 2:01 PM

Yo, Joe!

Joe Critz — 2:01 PM

I’m having a Philly cheese steak rn

UprootedTexan — 2:01 PM

Lucky [kitten].

Joe Critz — 2:01 PM

I see Davis mills is having another solid game

He’s gonna lead us to the promised land on 6-11

But right now we’ll be 3-11

Amber is color of our energy!

UprootedTexan — 2:03 PM

Took me a minute to get the reference there.

(Jags field goal. Texans lead 23-13)

(Jags seventh possession)

l4blitzer — 2:13 PM

That was a derptastic series by both teams on the punt return…bad coverage by Houston negated by a sideline interference penalty by JAX…whooo boy, a classic drunk slap-fight here.

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

It’s all wonderful, except the score.

l4blitzer — 2:15 PM

I’m still holding out hope for the tie to salvage this

(Texans eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:17 PM


UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM

Tim Kelly looks like the least competent of the Roy kids from Succession.

bigfatdrunk — 2:19 PM

Burkheart up the middle. Sigh.

Also, sic. I ain’t spelling that name right ever again.

UprootedTexan — 2:19 PM

Move to change CHUM to BUM?

bigfatdrunk — 2:19 PM



UprootedTexan — 2:19 PM

Golden opportunity to finally leap to the top spot and we’re gonna [kitten] it away because the Texans felt like making a point or something.

bigfatdrunk — 2:24 PM

Look at Culley strategically blow yet another time out.

Carlos Flores — 2:24 PM

It would be very on brand for this team to lose by winning

l4blitzer — 2:24 PM

After three good CHUMs, we are back to our regularly scheduled running game proficiency

UprootedTexan — 2:25 PM


(Mills throws interception. Jags ball.)

(Jags eighth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:26 PM


Matt Weston — 2:27 PM

Sorry I haven’t been able to talk much. I got a cranky big child over here today.

UprootedTexan — 2:27 PM

I have a name you kn—oh, you meant your kid.

Matt Weston — 2:27 PM

the amount of derek rivers today is sickening

l4blitzer — 2:28 PM

“Went well behind the line of scrimmage…oh, wait, they mark him out a yard back” Depth perception of the commentators is on brand for this game.

(Jags field goal is good. Texans lead 23-16)

bigfatdrunk — 2:29 PM

Once again, just about everything went as well is it could for the Texans, and they are still up just 7 points. awful.

Matt Weston — 2:29 PM

only three more field goals needed for JAX to take the lead

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

That would be the funniest way for this game to go and I am here for it.

(Texans ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:30 PM

C’mon, fight. Gimme something here guys.

Carlos Flores — 2:32 PM

We may never have a positive run play again

If there was a corner in the flat, that would have been an easy touchdown

l4blitzer — 2:33 PM

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again…no matter what the game situation.

(Jags ninth possession)

Matt Weston — 2:34 PM

Carlos Flores — 2:34 PM

When Cisco makes a tackle they should really play the Thong Song

Matt Weston — 2:34 PM

How did this guy grow up to become the biggest dork in the world? Stanford really is an awful place to go to school.

UprootedTexan — 2:34 PM

That was before Mills’ neck started trying to swallow his head.

Carlos Flores — 2:34 PM

Isn’t his hair thinning now? That’s what one season here will do to you.

Joe Critz — 2:35 PM

Oh my goodness

l4blitzer — 2:36 PM

Aren’t we up to 7 penalties??? That gooder culture coming through again…

Carlos Flores — 2:36 PM


UprootedTexan — 2:36 PM

We blew past that in the first half, I think.

l4blitzer — 2:37 PM

The official statistical people say 7, but knowing the Texans, the reality is over double digits

UprootedTexan — 2:38 PM

True, I was including the ones that were either declined or offset.

Carlos Flores — 2:38 PM

Cant believe Lawrence couldn’t complete that. He is broken.

Joe Critz — 2:38 PM

Although some of those AP photos of Davis Mills show his secret hotness

It just hides in his neck

Carlos Flores — 2:39 PM

Looks like the most athletic McPoyle

l4blitzer — 2:40 PM

Every time I see that photo, I am reminded of a human brachiosaurus

Joe Critz — 2:40 PM

That’s my quarterback!

Matt Weston — 2:40 PM

he looks like Timothee Chalamet traveled to the Jurassic age, and when he returned to present day, there was some strange time split, that stretched his neck to pull him through the space time continuum.

Joe Critz — 2:41 PM


That’s like a perfect description

Carlos Flores — 2:41 PM

LOL like The Fly meets Jurassic Park

There is something Cronenberg about him and this team.

l4blitzer — 2:42 PM

Was the velociraptor that is Nick Caserio hungry when he drafted Mills?

At this rate, Mark Ingram will end the season as the Texans leading rusher

UprootedTexan — 2:43 PM

Pancakes: So Nick, what are you looking for in this draft class?


Another penalty. I assume they intended to take the delay of game on this one.

Matt Weston — 2:45 PM

you gotta love David Culley having the faith in Fairbairn to kick a 56 Yard field goal, but not one here, after he’s been crushing it

UprootedTexan — 2:46 PM

What’s the worst Christmas movie? And you can’t just say “whatever Hallmark makes” because those don’t count as they’re intentionally awful.

Jesus, we’re even giving them every chance to make first downs and they’re not taking them.

bigfatdrunk — 2:47 PM

Man, they’ve dropped a ton of easy passes.

Carlos Flores — 2:47 PM

Home Alone 3

Joe Critz — 2:47 PM

This is okay!

Matt Weston — 2:48 PM

I don’t know, but Eyes Wide Shut is the only good Christmas movie

l4blitzer — 2:48 PM

You mean you’re not looking forward to the Lori Loughlin/Felicity Huffman X-mas in the Pen series of movies?

UprootedTexan — 2:49 PM

If you told me those were coming soon to a Hallmark Channel near you I would not blink.

Carlos Flores — 2:49 PM

A Lori Loughlin hallmark movie where she finds her true love in an all-womens joint making toilet wine and buy a vineyard when she gets out

UprootedTexan — 2:50 PM

Isn’t that just Orange Is The New Black?

Carlos Flores — 2:50 PM


My mind is just a pop culture rehash machine

I think that could make me a decent Hollywood writer

UprootedTexan — 2:51 PM

No, Carlos, that would make you an above average Hollywood writer.

l4blitzer — 2:52 PM

These days, what’s the difference?

Carlos Flores — 2:52 PM

Mike Glennon getting the hook, Jake Fromm is coming in

UprootedTexan — 2:52 PM

Near as I can tell, the difference is whether they have access to Little St. James.

(Mills to Cooks touchdown. Texans lead 30-16)

Carlos Flores — 2:53 PM

It sounded like Jacksonville was blaring limp bizkit on the speakers which would be very Jacksonville

UprootedTexan — 2:53 PM


Carlos Flores — 2:53 PM

[Kitten]it, there goes the #1 pick

This team is so [kitten]ing stupid.

UprootedTexan — 2:54 PM

If you ever needed proof that this team isn’t tanking, this is exhibits A, B, and C.

l4blitzer — 2:54 PM

[Easterby] it!! There goes the dream for my derptastic tie!!!!

UprootedTexan — 2:54 PM

This team isn’t smart enough to tank.

bigfatdrunk — 2:55 PM

Good [kitten], it was a successful screen pass. We are the stupidest team.

Kenneth L. — 2:55 PM


The jags are simply better at being bad

Matt Weston — 2:56 PM

Geron Christian Jr. made the block in the alley on a wide receiver screen that Laremy Tunsil could never make to knock Houston out of the first overall pick. Unreal.

UprootedTexan — 2:56 PM

I guess we might as well enjoy the last win we’ll see this season.


Kenneth L. — 2:57 PM

He’s had a mediocre season so it makes sense when push comes to shove he makes a good play

bigfatdrunk — 2:59 PM

The embracers of mediocrity are going to be super excited about this game!

l4blitzer — 2:59 PM

If this holds, we will finish no worse than .500 in the division…

Kenneth L. — 2:59 PM

That’s absurd

UprootedTexan — 3:00 PM


I already saw someone saying that Culley should get a second season based on this game alone.

I would like to congratulate the Jags on taking the lead for the top spot in the draft.

l4blitzer — 3:02 PM

Meanwhile, Miami is about to move to .500, and with Tua playing well, Watson may not ever get to Miami at this point.

UprootedTexan — 3:03 PM

Um, Jags? You can stop now. There’s no reason to drag this out any longer.



Okay, the Texans won so I guess I’m on the hook to give away some game balls.

Offense: Brandin Cooks, with his two touchdowns, gets the nod this week.

Defense: Tavierre Thomas, with 11 total tackles and seven solo tackles.

Special Teams: I don’t know how, but Ka’imi Fairbairn nailed two long field goals and a nice short one (which he has struggled with a lot this season), so he gets the game ball.

Let us know what you’re thinking. We really wanna know, wanna really really know.