Houston, TX – At the time of this writing, the nation moves forward through what many consider the “dead week” for the year, a label for those 7 days between Christmas and New Year’s when many workers and students find themselves on break/holiday. It is also a time for extremes in emotions, from the joys of what the holiday season bring, as well as some of the sorrows. This can apply to all walks of life, from one-on-one family interactions to the vaunted game of American pro football. Especially this time of year, when one win or one defeat can alter that most fragile of psychological bases, an NFL team psyche.
“Well, I don’t know about all of that [Easterby], but [EASTERBY], it is good to be a Texan right now!!!” This was the almost universal response when our intrepid Totally Not Fake News reporters roamed the facilities of the Texans. There hadn’t been this level of buoyancy for this squad since the end of the second game of the preseason.
“Two in row, baby!!!! Do we even know how to lose anymore???” exalted Texans head coach David Culley, who once again had to shake loose nacho chip crumbs from his hair after the umpteenth celebratory Tostitos shower upon reviewing the game film from Sunday. “Life is good right now…real good.”
“YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH BBBBBBAAAAAABBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” shouted starting quarterback Davis Mills, who in his exuberance, knocked over the new Star Wars Bad Batch Lego set he received for Christmas and was currently working on. “I threw so….sooo….soo, oh, just so gosh darned swell, and we kicked some major hinny!!!!” Mills immediately then covered his mouth with both hands and frantically scanned the room for anyone else. “Sorry about that Mr. Reporter, sir. I really, really try not to say bad words, but ”
[Editor’s Note: We do use reporters of all known genders, but for this assignment, we went with a dude…don’t report us, please. Our legal department can’t take any more hits.]
After our reporter assured Mills that it was ok, the starting quarterback continued. “I just threw so well yesterday. But the crazy thing was, we actually were running the football. I hadn’t seen that all year. All of those plays where I would hand it to the running back, and he was run real hard, and real fast…and just get stopped right about where the center snapped the ball to me. But on Sunday, I would hand the ball off to the running back guy, and he would actually run past where all the big meanies hang out. They didn’t even have time to say anything bad about my mommy this time, ‘cause they were chasing the running back guy so often.”
When asked about the emergence of the Texans’ best running game of the season, long time long-snapper Jon Weeks just yawned. “Yeah, yeah, we actually moved the ball on the ground. We used to do that all the time in the olden days, back in 2011 and other timelines like that. It was good to see that kid Burkhead run like he did back when he was a young pup at Nebraska. That was cool.”
In addition to watching Davis Mills evolve as a QB, this game also presented the opportunity for other players to take their turn in the spotlight.
“Finally, people will acknowledge me for my body of work and not for just my actual body” exhaled Jonathan Owens, who emerged from the COVID-depleted pack of a roster to log a 4 tackle/1 INT/1 Fumble Recovery game. “I mean, yeah, I am blessed to be dating a great woman and all, but...hey, reporter dude...eyes up here!!!”
[Editor’s Note: In order to avoid another legal situation, we liquidated this reporter on the spot. We sent one of new female reporters to finish this session...but then we had to liquidate her when she too seemed distracted by the body that is Owens...eventually, we just found some blind/deaf non-binary individual to try to finish the interview, but Owens had long since left the building].
Still, even with the Texans riding high after a very unexpected two-game winning streak and with all of the good vibes, there is concern for the team. “Yeah, we are kicking [Easterby], but you are only as good as your last game and last play. Now we see San Francisco may be without its starting QB and all of that. My biggest struggle this week, well, after washing the Tostitos out of my hair, is trying to keep the guys focused and grounded. Too much success is perhaps as dangerous as too much failure. We gotta keep everyone grounded” opined Coach Culley.
“Yeah, know what you mean” sighed Offensive Coordinator Tim Kelly. “If Davis keeps going on one more time about how ‘goodest’ he threw that football and all, I will have to spike his milk with pure liquid morphine.”
Even the highest levels of Texans leadership is concerned about being too arrogant where this game is concerned. In an effort to keep the team in line, the most powerful person in the Texans organization took quite a drastic step, as seen below:
Pending what happens, whether the Texans find themselves borrowing the ancient Roman practice of having a servant mutter into their ears “remember thou art mortal”, or if Kelly succeeds in getting Mills to calm down for 5 minutes, or if we can manage to avoid any more legal situations, we at Totally Not Fake News will strive to bring to you, our readers, the best news that we can. Remember our mantra: