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Houston Texans Final Score/Post-Game Recap: Colts 31, Texans 0

We are, we are, the euth of a nasia.

Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

If you have watched the Houston Texans and the Indianapolis Colts play football this year, this game went exactly as the ideas in your head that played out between the folds of your brain said it would. The Colts have a great run defense, up against the worst run offense in football. Houston loves to run the football to set up play action passes that go nowhere, while the Colts have a great rushing attack led by an offensive line that is finally healthy and a transcendent Jonathan Taylor. The Colts were facing a bottom run defense.

The Colts ran the ball 48 times for 238 yards and averaged 5.0 yards an attempt. Taylor scooped up 2 rushing touchdowns. The Texans ran the ball 19 times for 84 yards, a mark inflated by a 16 yard Brandin Cooks carry. Houston attempted to throw off this run game, which led to 11 completions on 27 attempts for 57 yards, coming out to 3.5 yards an attempt. Davis Mills eventually filled in for an injured or benched Tyrod Taylor; each quarterback had ratings of 16.5 and 52.4, respectively.

The Texans were shut out at home.

It’s not like the Colts have a great pass defense. It’s a below average unit that has struggled rushing the passer and defending the deep pass. With 12 games of film available and in his second matchup, with Taylor back at starting quarterback, Tim Kelly refused to attempt anything down the sideline. Houston was neutered by terrible screen passes, missed throws to the short sideline, and issues picking up the occasional blitz.

Aside from using stack sets to create rubs against the Jacksonville Jaguars man coverage and a casper screen against Cleveland, Kelly has been an atrocity as a playcaller. The run game, the pass game, the blocking, the skill players, the quarterbacks, everything…it’s all broken. There isn’t a point for them even suiting up the rest of the year. Kelly should be fired after this season if he isn’t before then. He’s Bill O’Brien’s sentient third nipple, and his performance this season has been atrocious.

The only bright spot this game was Kamu Gruiger-Hill setting the Texans’ single game record with 20 tackles. He also added a sack, a quarterback hit, and three tackles for a loss. Induct him into the Ring of Honor. I can’t wait to buy a battle red Gruiger-Hill jersey at a flea market for $9 in 2027.

I could write some more. You could read some more, or travel faster to get past it all to get to the comments section. But these words have already been a waste of brain function and time. You reading these words, if you have done that, has been a waste of your brain function and time. The Texans are terrible, as terrible as we expected. Somehow, we have five more of these left.

The Houston Texans host the Seattle Seahawks next week at 12 p.m. CST.