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Hair of the Dog: People of the Abyss Edition (Texans/Colts II)

The BRB gang get together to desperately think of something vaguely positive to say about the Texans’ 31-0 loss to the Colts. We were not successful.

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Indianapolis Colts v Houston Texans Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

I don’t look for much in supporting a football team. Winning is nice and losing obviously happens, but those aren’t the bare minimum of what I look for in a team to support.

What I want, above all else, is to know that the team I follow puts more effort into playing their game than I do in watching it. That’s really it. I want the team to put more effort into winning their game than I do to get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on pants, drive down to Buffalo Wild Wings, order food, and watch television for three-ish hours a week. That is it, end of list.

I can’t be convinced at this point that I’m not working harder at watching them then they are at being watched. Literally speaking, I know they do more than I do. But figuratively, if you figure the mental pain of watching the Texans week in and week out and the physical torment I put on my body by eating unhealthy foods in unnecessary quantities, I’m putting more work into this relationship than they are.

And because I hate myself and want to cause myself pain for my bad choices, I did some digging into points per game. Because the deeper (and derper) we go into this season, the more I’m forced to ask if this is the worst team in franchise history; not an easy question considering the long (almost 20 years now) history of bad teams to contend for the title.

So, here’s what I found looking at the offensive and defensive points per game over the course of the season:


Week 1: 37 PPG (37 points scored in game)
Week 2: 29 PPG (21)
Week 3: 22.3 PPG (9)
Week 4: 16.75 PPG (0)
Week 5: 17.8 PPG (22)
Week 6: 15.3 PPG (3)
Week 7: 13.86 PPG (5)
Week 8: 14.85 PPG (22)
Week 9: 14.22 PPG (9)
Week 10: 14.22 PPG (BYE)
Week 11: 15 (22)
Week 12: 14.9 (14)
Week 13: 13.66 (0)


Week 1: 21 PPG surrendered (21)
Week 2: 26 (31)
Week 3: 25.33 (24)
Week 4: 29 (40)
Week 5: 28.2 (25)
Week 6: 28.67 (31)
Week 7: 29 (31)
Week 8: 30.13 (38)
Week 9: 28.67 (17)
Week 10: 28.67 (BYE)
Week 11: 27.1 (13)
Week 12: 26.54 (21)
Week 13: 26.91 (31)

Of course the points per game isn’t the end all be all and can be qualified all to hell (for example, I kind of don’t want to include the points the Texans scored in the Rams game as they were complete garbage time points), but it doesn’t make for pretty reading.

“Pretty” nothing, this is freakin’ grim, y’all. And there are still four games left for it to completely come unglued. Because as of Sunday, the Texans have officially been eliminated from playoff contention. I feel the same as you, I thought they were out weeks ago, but somehow they lasted to week 13. If this is what we got when the team was TRYING, just imagine what they’re capable of when they have nothing to play for but the promise of a “earned” vacation.

So let’s get on to this week’s Dog.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with [kitten] to make the thread safe to read at work, because our lawyers insisted on it.



bigfatdrunk — 10:06 AM

Do we have to, mommy?

UprootedTexan — 10:30 AM

Yes, son. If I have to watch this [kitten] the day after my 40th birthday the rest of y’all do too.

bigfatdrunk — 11:12 AM

I’m reporting you to CPS.

UprootedTexan — 11:14 AM

Kid, I OWN the CPS!

Carlos Flores — 11:31 AM

Birthday neighbors UT, we’re old as [kitten]

l4blitzer — 11:43 AM

Ah, another week, another game where the Texans are double-digit dogs…and another key player suspended for disciplinary reasons…nice to see some consistency from the Texans

UprootedTexan — 11:56 AM

Well, it’s something, at least.

[kitten], I’d give a lot right now to be 25 again. I ain’t ready to be 40.

l4blitzer — 11:58 AM

Given that you have followed this team for the past two seasons, I’d say you already have good work-study experience for Middle Age.

UprootedTexan — 11:59 AM

No lie, my hair and beard are a lot more gray than they were at the start of the season. Like “I can’t even pretend they’re just blond” anymore levels of gray.

I’ve decided to make BFD inactive for the first half of this week’s HOTD for disciplinary reasons. He knows why.

bigfatdrunk — 12:02 PM

I wonder if I am even getting the game in Austin.

Matt Weston — 12:02 PM

We are getting it down here in SA


(Texans first possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:02 PM


Looks like most of Texas is getting the Texans game.

Matt Weston — 12:03 PM

Caring about getting old is lame. You had a section of your life, and it becomes something else and different, it isn’t worse, it’s just a new part of the trail. I sure as [kitten] wouldn’t want to be 21 years old ever again.

I’m wearing my Mom’s battle red panties in celebration of today’s game

bigfatdrunk — 12:04 PM

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a perfect start. That’s a pick!

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

Oh my [Durga], are you kidding me?

Matt Weston — 12:04 PM


Carlos Flores — 12:04 PM

A pick on the first play of the game would be very on brand

Matt Weston — 12:04 PM

lol just throw it away

UprootedTexan — 12:04 PM

This is my birthday game. The Texans play a special kind of [kitten]-football on my birthday, usually. I can’t figure out how it works out that way but it does.


l4blitzer — 12:07 PM

Welp, right on cue

(Taylor picked off on first play of the game)

(Colts first possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:08 PM

Somebody find Greenard’s jock. He lost it on the field.

Matt Weston — 12:08 PM

I’m getting a battle red Kamu Gruiger-Hill jersey at a flea market in 2027 for $15

UprootedTexan — 12:08 PM

And it’s not that I exactly care about getting old, I’m just not ready to think of myself as starting another decade yet. It hasn’t really sunk in.

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooow, those stands are emp-TY.

bigfatdrunk — 12:09 PM

Pittman is one of my fave players these days. Great in every aspect of the game. Loves to block.

Carlos Flores — 12:10 PM

Going to be a Texans torturer for years to come

UprootedTexan — 12:10 PM

I hate to say anything too good about the Colts, but it’s kind of fun to watch Jonathan Taylor run.

Matt Weston — 12:10 PM

I’m going to celebrate turning 40 by blacking out at a Cheesecake factory and seizing the means of cream cheese

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 7-0)

Matt Weston — 12:11 PM

Pittman is funny because he still hasn’t played like how he played at USC. He’s a crossing route YAC big blocker, instead of the vertical sideline possession receiver you’d expect.

Carlos Flores — 12:11 PM

Jonathan Taylor could probably end up having another 40 point fantasy day

bigfatdrunk — 12:11 PM

Holy [kitten] that was easy.

UprootedTexan — 12:11 PM

My wife went bonkers yesterday and bought us like five pounds of barbecue from the only good barbecue place in this entire state for my birthday dinner.

bigfatdrunk — 12:12 PM

That sounds great.

Carlos Flores — 12:12 PM

Pissed I didn’t get to check out that place you told us about, we’re going to have to go next time I’m up there

We went to Truth bbq and got a beef rib. I still have a pound of meat leftover

Matt Weston — 12:12 PM

Lovie Smith isn’t good

UprootedTexan — 12:13 PM

They do beef ribs every Thursday and Mrs. UT is threatening to set me on fire if I don’t take her there one night for them.

That’s the thing, I’m hard-pressed to recommend it to people from Texas because you can get good barbecue at home, without flying 2500 miles to get some here.

l4blitzer — 12:14 PM

Well, if Taylor is set to take the mantle of The Key Tormentor of the Texans from Hilton, at least that means the games will go faster, so we have that working for us.

UprootedTexan — 12:14 PM

It’s fantastic and they serve the sauce on the side as [Durga] intended, but there’s so much stuff here that barbecue can wait.

(Texans second possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:15 PM

That’s Waste of a Roster Spot Rex Burkhead to you, Mr.

UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

Hey, they managed to keep possession after running a play! THAT’S IMPROVEMENT RIGHT?! RIGHT?!?!

Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM

Fair enough, it has to be better than Rudy’s

Matt Weston — 12:15 PM

seattle bbq

Carlos Flores — 12:15 PM


UprootedTexan — 12:15 PM

For the most part, yes, that’s accurate.

But Jack’s is legit.

l4blitzer — 12:16 PM

A first down…progress

Carlos Flores — 12:16 PM

Burkhead supremacy

UprootedTexan — 12:17 PM

Oompa loompa doompidy doo

What the hell did Cunningham do?

Oompa loompa doopidah dee

He broke a team rule don’t you see?

Carlos Flores — 12:17 PM

Aaaaaaand a fumble

l4blitzer — 12:17 PM

…aaaannnnnddddd all that progress just went out the window.

Carlos Flores — 12:17 PM


bigfatdrunk — 12:17 PM

Grover Stewart ran Pharaoh Brown down from behind and forced a fumble LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

l4blitzer — 12:19 PM

Pharaoh Brown: Had the potential to be a power like Ramses II, but now has the staying power of King Tut…

Matt Weston — 12:19 PM

Grover Stewart is what Houston had in DJ Reader.

UprootedTexan — 12:19 PM

Wanting “your team” to win is a social construct. Embrace entertainment.

Carlos Flores — 12:19 PM

The power of Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra

Matt Weston — 12:19 PM

It sucks how bad Brown has been since coming back from injury. He was a competent blocker to start the season.

(Texans fumble the ball, Colts recover.)

(Colts second possession)

bigfatdrunk — 12:21 PM

Have they even had a 3rd down yet???

UprootedTexan — 12:21 PM

No, and [Durga] bless them for it.

bigfatdrunk — 12:24 PM

They aren’t afraid to run the ball when we have 9 in the box, FKS.

l4blitzer — 12:25 PM

Well, at least Hill did something positive

UprootedTexan — 12:25 PM

Wow, they forced a fourth down.

(Colts miss a field goal. Colts lead 7-0)

bigfatdrunk — 12:26 PM

Welp, now my Twitter feed is going to be full of people saying Lovie is a [Durga] and we’re totally going to win this game.

Carlos Flores — 12:26 PM

Bet they wish they had Blankenship right now

l4blitzer — 12:27 PM

How cruel of the Colts to give us hope…but then you have our offense

UprootedTexan — 12:28 PM

If there are Texans fans with hope for today’s game that’s on them. They should know better by now.

Carlos Flores — 12:28 PM

Joe Brady just got fired

(Texans third possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:29 PM

How do we give up the ball this time?

l4blitzer — 12:29 PM

LSU would take him back in half a heartbeat…if Kelly allows it

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

Kelly’s cleaning house, I don’t think he’d be interested.

But I’ll bet he’s a culture fit here or something.

bigfatdrunk — 12:30 PM

Taylor has lost all of his accuracy.

UprootedTexan — 12:30 PM

Awwwwwww, a three and out? How boring.

(Colts third possession)

Matt Weston — 12:31 PM

I’m just here to watch Tytus Howard pass sets

l4blitzer — 12:31 PM

Well, I am sure that Culley was on the offense’s case to stop turning it over, so I guess his message got through…

Matt Weston — 12:31 PM

I’ll never get over the Panthers trading for Sam Darnold, to put him behind a terrible offensive line, which we already know what that looks like.

I’m sorry for talking [kitten] Carlos. I deserve for Christian McCaffrey to never play another snap ever again.

UprootedTexan — 12:32 PM

I guess without Christian McCaffrey, Brady’s vaunted offense was all [kitten].

bigfatdrunk — 12:33 PM

LOL Blacklock loading up and missing the hit by a yard from a yard away.

UprootedTexan — 12:34 PM

(Texans defender wraps up on receiver)


(Receiver drags the defender another four yards)


We’ve given up 1,081 yards to TY Hilton alone over the years.

l4blitzer — 12:38 PM

The Texans didn’t commit a penalty there? That’s a switch


Matt Weston — 12:38 PM

It’s the only thing David Culley cares about. I’m glad he’s happy.

UprootedTexan — 12:38 PM

This has to be some kind of season record for not getting penalized, right?

Have any of y’all seen that Ghosts show? If so, is it any good?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL someone has a That Football Feeling t-shirt!

l4blitzer — 12:41 PM

immediately starts searching Amazon for That Football Feeling T-shirts

(Texans fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:42 PM

Anybody want to take bets that they allow a safety here?

Carlos Flores — 12:42 PM

Good chance for a safety here

I’d bet it, UT

UprootedTexan — 12:43 PM

It feels too easy, right?

Carlos Flores — 12:43 PM

You could have had Javonte Williams, Matthew.

UprootedTexan — 12:43 PM

Penalty Count: 1 (False start)

C’mon Culley, make me laugh.

l4blitzer — 12:44 PM

Surprised Culley didn’t take a timeout to prevent the penalty call

Matt Weston — 12:45 PM

hahahahaha the houston texans are really missing david johnson today

(Colts fourth possession)

UprootedTexan — 12:45 PM

If he had told Taylor to take a knee in the end zone, I would not blink.

Honestly, the girl with the snowman needs therapy, I think.

And I don’t care what anybody says, that moment when someone runs over it with their bike is a comedy beat.

Matt Weston — 12:51 PM

Carson Wentz can only draw DPI penalties

(Texans fifth possession)

Carlos Flores — 12:52 PM

The Colts are being nice and letting us stay in this game. Carson Wentz is a shell of his former self

UprootedTexan — 12:53 PM

I don’t like it. The Texans might start getting ideas, which would be new to them.

Where is THAT light show?


l4blitzer — 12:56 PM

Ok, Pharoah Brown now promoted to Ptolemy XIII level.

Two First Downs!!!! Offensive explosion forthcoming

UprootedTexan — 12:58 PM

We should sign Amon-Ra St. Brown and convert him to tight end. Then we’d have Pharaoh Brown and Amon-Ra St. Brown. We could hve a theme there.

Penalty Count: 2 (False Start, Illegal Formation)

This team is hilarious.

Matt Weston — 1:00 PM

Howard got beat inside on that one

l4blitzer — 1:01 PM

“Johnston most used punter in the NFL” …ya don’t say?

UprootedTexan — 1:01 PM

My newest conspiracy theory: Jack Easterby is Tommy Wiseau in disguise.

Matt Weston — 1:01 PM

I’m almost at the point to be ready for Davis Mills

l4blitzer — 1:02 PM

Then we have fallen on the darkest time for this team

(Colts fifth possession)

l4blitzer — 1:07 PM

The Colts realize they are playing us, right? They know we ain’t that good, right?

UprootedTexan — 1:07 PM


l4blitzer — 1:11 PM

Lions leading…do we really want them to win, or should we hope for the classic 0-16-1 record? Yes, I know about the draft, but wouldn’t that be fun?

UprootedTexan — 1:11 PM

If we don’t get to be unwinfeated, don’t nobody get to be unwinfeated.

I would be so happy if Toro came down with that “MAKE NOISE” banner and the whole crowd just started booing mercilessly.

l4blitzer — 1:14 PM

I can’t recall the record for most tackles by a Texans’ player in a game, but Hill is on his way.

UprootedTexan — 1:14 PM

All 300 of them.

l4blitzer — 1:15 PM

Well, the crowd would be following the directions of Toro in that case. Not the intent, but it would follow the directions to the letter

UprootedTexan — 1:15 PM

Exactly. That’s always funny.

(Touchdown Colts. Colts lead 14-0)

l4blitzer — 1:16 PM

Guess the Colts remembered that they can throw as well

(Texans sixth possession)


UprootedTexan — 1:17 PM

About [kitten] time too. I was starting to think they were going to screw around and let the Texans back into it.

Penalty Count: 3 (False Start, Illegal Formation, Holding)

2nd and 33. That’s just beautiful.

Carlos Flores — 1:22 PM

Tim Kelly might not make it out of the stadium

Matt Weston — 1:23 PM

I loved Eric Murray’s meek little incompletion wave after giving up that TD

Kenneth L. — 1:24 PM

Today isn’t going well, is it?

UprootedTexan — 1:24 PM

3rd and 26, they’ll obviously convert this, right?

About as well as any of us expected.

Carlos Flores — 1:24 PM

Flashback BOB 3rd and forever draw play

(Colts sixth possession)

Kenneth L. — 1:26 PM

Marlon Davidson pick six on Brady. Matt, you remember my love affair with him?


UprootedTexan — 1:26 PM

Tyrod Taylor: 3/10 for 32 yards and 1 INT

Gardner Minschew: 14/15 for 188 yards and 2 TDs.

[kitten], I wish I’d seen that Kenneth.

Carlos Flores — 1:30 PM

This team has somehow gotten worse than the last time I took time to sit down and watch,

Matt Weston — 1:30 PM

lol Kenneth

2020 NFL Draft: Marlon Davidson Is A Unicorn

Remember when I wrote this? He hasn’t been good in ATL, but he’s been hurt.

UprootedTexan — 1:32 PM

Aw, man I missed a thicc six?!

Matt Weston — 1:35 PM

I’m gonna buy a pack of these and [kitten] my pants in them. #ThatFootballFeeling

Men’s Concepts Sport Navy Houston Texans Two-Pack Flagship Boxer Briefs Set

l4blitzer — 1:40 PM

How are we only down 14-0? That needs to a point of concern with the Colts. As for the Texans, it is a minor miracle they have as many first downs as they do. There are still 5 more games after this, but it seems like the Texans, especially on offense, are on to the off-season.

bigfatdrunk — 1:40 PM

Why, Big Matt? It’s clearly been done. Almost every week!

l4blitzer — 1:41 PM

Ah, Hilton is back to his old tricks


(Colts seventh possession)

l4blitzer — 1:43 PM

Our pass defense is still in the locker room

Matt Weston — 1:43 PM

It’s a performance art to make something illusionary, only seen on the screen, and bring it to reality.

bigfatdrunk — 1:45 PM

Too. [kitten]. Easy.

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 21-0)

UprootedTexan — 1:45 PM

l4blitzer — 1:48 PM

Can we petition for the running clock now?

bigfatdrunk — 1:48 PM


Matt Weston — 1:49 PM

Can the Texans get 100 offensive yards?

l4blitzer — 1:51 PM

[cue the Texans’ garbage time offense music]

(Texans seventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:52 PM

Can the Texans get on the other side of the 50?

Matt Weston — 1:53 PM

they are sniffing it now


(Colts eighth possession)

UprootedTexan — 1:54 PM

Sorry, I was away making something.

Matt Weston — 1:58 PM

how are there 5 more of these left [Durga]

UprootedTexan — 1:59 PM

How is there still 21 minutes left in this game?

They’re down 21-0 and they’re celebrating like they just stopped ‘em on fourth down at the Super Bowl.

Matt Weston — 2:02 PM

The Texans love to celebrate making a tackle after giving up a first down

I do love Gruiger-Hill

UprootedTexan — 2:03 PM

I saw that he’s like five tackles away from a single game franchise record for most tackles in a game.

bigfatdrunk — 2:03 PM

That LJJ energy.

Somebody has to be Zac Diles, UT.

UprootedTexan — 2:04 PM


I’m gonna drink some cyanide to celebrate!

Matt Weston — 2:04 PM


Carlos Flores — 2:04 PM

Mother of [Durga], please no

UprootedTexan — 2:05 PM

General Mills steps onto the field!

Matt Weston — 2:05 PM

there are a MILLSIONS reasons why you should drink the cyanide

UprootedTexan — 2:05 PM

Carlos, like Tyrod was so much better?

bigfatdrunk — 2:06 PM

Oh, [Durga], Mills is going to the HOF again.

UprootedTexan — 2:06 PM

Don’t you dare cross that 50 yard line.


Carlos Flores — 2:10 PM

Neither are the long term answer

bigfatdrunk — 2:13 PM

Burkhead exists only to torment my football soul.

(Turnover on downs. Colts ball)

(Colts ninth possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:14 PM

I’m stunned that wasn’t six there.

I guess Reich got bored and decided to do something fun.

l4blitzer — 2:17 PM

Now we can see if Hill can further add to the single game tackling record

UprootedTexan — 2:18 PM


::kills self::

Maybe we should talk about something fun, like my football pool.

Carlos Flores — 2:20 PM

I’m in UT, just need to send el dinero

(Colts field goal. Colts lead 24-0)

UprootedTexan — 2:21 PM

That’s fine, I still need to find out what the matchups are so you’ve got time.

I’m so tempted to get that Theragun.

Matt Weston — 2:23 PM

I’m still laughing at that 3rd and 8 playcall

(Texans ninth possession)

bigfatdrunk — 2:24 PM

I got one for The Boy for Christmas, UT.

UprootedTexan — 2:24 PM

Has he used one before or did he ask for it? I’m getting a lot of aches and pains from boxing and I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth the money.

bigfatdrunk — 2:25 PM

Not yet. It’s an experiment.

UprootedTexan — 2:26 PM

Penalty count: 4 (False Start, Illegal Formation, Holding, Intentional Grounding)

bigfatdrunk — 2:26 PM

David Mills: 2024 HOF.

(Colts tenth possession)

Matt Weston — 2:27 PM

Tytus Howard emergency quarterback

UprootedTexan — 2:28 PM

We should see what Tytus can offer under center. I mean if we can convert Jeff Driskel to TE, then everything should be on the table.

Matt Weston — 2:29 PM

I’m so pissed they talked up Jeff Driskel playing TE, and have been too cowardly to actually play him there

60 seconds MK Ultra ticking

UprootedTexan — 2:31 PM

Can we put the Texans in the Birmingham Bowl with the Houston Cougars just to see who’s the better football team in the city?

Carlos Flores — 2:31 PM

Shutout incoming

UprootedTexan — 2:31 PM

I think I’d be more mad if they scored garbage time points, frankly.

(Colts fumble, Texans recover. Texans ball)

(Texans tenth possession)

That was a pity fumble, I’d bet money on it.


bigfatdrunk — 2:37 PM

Mills is 2/9 for 14 yards. Hall of Fame bound!

(Colts eleventh possession)

UprootedTexan — 2:38 PM


They’re putting Sam Ehlinger in for the Colts.

bigfatdrunk — 2:41 PM


Will they let Sam throw?

UprootedTexan — 2:42 PM

You know better than that.

l4blitzer — 2:44 PM

“You’d like to see the offense go back in for one more possession”…No, no we would not like to see that today.

UprootedTexan — 2:45 PM

Don’t make me tap the gif again, announcers.

l4blitzer — 2:47 PM

Indy, stop extending the game. Yes, it is great game practice, but please, knock it off.


bigfatdrunk — 2:49 PM

Five more games of all this culture and process.

UprootedTexan — 2:49 PM

Some of the former Colts squatters are trying to help me think of ways to get rid of Cal McNair, that’s how bad they feel for us right now.

Matt Weston — 2:50 PM

We are we are, the euth of a nasia.

I’m ready to watch Aidan Hutchinson video

(Colts touchdown. Colts lead 31-0)

bigfatdrunk — 2:52 PM


l4blitzer — 2:52 PM

Time to call in Jeff Bezos. He’s got the money. Or anyone know if Elon Musk wants an NFL team? He’s moving down to the state if I remember right. Could buy Cal a bunch of video games and take charge.

UprootedTexan — 2:52 PM

We need to score a field goal to match the exact score we got the first time we played the Colts this year.

bigfatdrunk — 2:54 PM

Dad would love a shutout.

UprootedTexan — 2:55 PM

I just think the Texans should put in at least the same amount of effort to play this game as we do in watching it.


(Turnover on downs. Colts ball.)

(Colts final possession)


l4blitzer — 2:58 PM

Once on the road, once at home. Nice balance (on shutouts)

UprootedTexan — 2:58 PM

Outscored by the Colts 62-3 this season.

Matt Weston — 2:59 PM


bigfatdrunk — 3:00 PM



LOL, you got jokes.

Sound off in the comments, y’all. Just pretend we’re Cal McNair or something.