Totally Not Fake News: Who’s Next?

HOUSTON, TX - It is said that the only constant in life is change...well, that and taxes...and death...and seeing Tom Brady’s disgustingly well-preserved face lighting up as he plays in another Super Bowl (his 150th we think?), winning again, with his ageless Brazilian supermodel wife, incredible family and his specialized TB 12 program that makes all of us feel inadequate and...oh, sorry, where were we? Yes, anyway, the constant of change. Especially in the NFL (except Tom Brady...but then again, he did change teams, so it can even happen to him).

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Take the Houston Texans. They are coming off a 4-12 season. As a result, the purges are in full swing. Not including the dismissal of Bill O’Brien, who resumed his pro career with Alabama (and has the added benefit of not worrying about draft picks or salary caps) the Texans have been busy turning over staff. Not surprisingly, most of the old coaching staff is gone to include: defensive coordinator, special teams coordinator, interim head coach, secondary coach, linebacker coach, quarterbacks coach, offensive line coach, defensive line coach, the primary and secondary get-back coaches, the line painters, ball inflators, etc. About the only coach slated to return is Tim Kelly.

“We usually like to leave one alive to tell the tale” noted team “firing consultant” Malory Knox.

Yet, the Texans are not just culling the coaching ranks. The team has seen a rather notable amount of turnover in the usually under-the-radar front offices. Wednesday’s resignation of team president Jamey Rootes is the just latest in a constant stream of dismissals and “resignations.” Starting with the team’s VP of PR, the butcher’s bill soon added: the equipment manager and his team, the head of the team’s salary cap management, the president of special projects, the vice-president of team projects, the associate office snack bar guy, the audio-visual guys, most of the analytic team, to include the pointy-haired supervisor.

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“Never seen anything like this.” Said another anonymous source, who we guess hadn’t been purged...yet. “You’ve heard about The Red Wedding? Black Monday? The Saturday Night Massacre? The Bowling Green Massacre? Well, take all of those, add a few thermonuclear bombs and throw in all of the plagues of the Egypt, and you maybe, possibly, have about half of what we are seeing here.

Man, it is just so brutal to be here right now. Couldn’t tell you how many times one of the managers comes down to someone’s desk, telling them ‘Bosses want to see you. Bring your laptop and team-issued Bible with you.’ Never see them again.”

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“Oh, and that isn’t even taking into account all of the players they are going to cut. You’ve seen our cap numbers right?”

Even seemingly untouchable members of the Texans organization are wary.

“Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors” noted Texans mascot Toro. “Been a tough year, obviously, but I’m doing alright. Fewer fans, stuck in the stands, but I was still able to help out and do some stuff in the community, but it was rough. Yeah, the product on the field wasn’t so great. I think at one point, I got a text from Anthony Weaver, asking if I could suit up. Now, I was thinking he had some community service thing going, but nope, he was actually talking about using me on the field, in an actual game situation...pass rush. Well, I do have a specialized pass move. It is the...well, you know. Of course, he could have been drunk. Don’t know. It was that kinda season.”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

When we asked about the specific rumors, Toro demurred. “I have heard from some friends at the watering holes. They say they hear things...especially ever since Easterby took the helm. Said he was looking at a re-branding. I initially thought it would be a shift in the team colors, or maybe I would have to modify my horns. My cow would like that, but still, small stuff. Then I hear about this rumor of a more “biblical” mascot. I tried to get through to the front office, but all I got was some receptionist, who was all ‘We are sorry, but the exalted one Easterby is not available to answer your call.’ Then I was all ‘Ok, can I just leave a message? Can you tell Mr. Easterby that Toro called?’”

“Toro, you say? Well, I’ll let him know. Until then, have a blessed-by-Easterby day!”

“That was all I got!!! As if that receptionist didn’t know that I, Toro, have been the mascot for the team since its inception. Good Lord, I really don’t know what is going on in the head-shed. Maybe Cal got a hold of some bad grains in his liquor, who knows?”

After our interview with Toro, we tried to get hold of the ‘Texans Eminence’. After multiple phone calls, emails, and a promise to pledge to buy the latest installments of “Easterby: Getting to God Through the Power of Divine Laughter” we finally got a hold of Jack Easterby.

“You again? Seriously, you guys are worse than Jehovah Witnesses! Listen, I am ordained by God to spread his Word, and empowered by Cal McNair to practice the holy doctrine of Smart, Tough, Dependable to the Texans and the NFL. Character is our most important feature. Character rules above all. Beyond on-field talent, beyond the ability to play good, or even competent football. Character and the moral soul of the team is the most important mission.

So we had to let a lot of people go. They were the minions of Satan and a direct threat to my power, er, the message and word of God. My Will Be Done! You think J.J. Watt is the Texans sack leader, with his 101 sacks? Give me a couple more weeks, and I will be the leading sacker in Texans history! The Texans are mine! It is God’s Will!!!

As for that false idol, that blue-hided spawn of Baal...er, Toro, well, the Lord is calling me to remake the team in My...whoops, sorry, slip of the keyboard...His image. The false idols of the old order must fall. They must be swept out along with the giant belt-buckles of the long-misguided Texans fans. The new holy order of the Texans is upon us, and that includes a new mascot. Here is the first iteration:

Based on the Brilliant Work of Ryan Dunsmore

We have only just begun to reform this team. The old, corrupt influences must go. All will realize the Word. The Word of the Savior, as foretold through the actions of the Most Blessed Easterby.

Oh, and we are going to need you to revise the team name. You see, given that we are on a holy quest from God, this is the most important mission, the most important...crusade. Ergo, we ask that your ‘news’ organization please refer to us as the Houston Crusaders!”

And there you have it dear readers. The state of the Texans/Crusaders/Easterbys...and may God have mercy upon all of our souls.

LATE BREAKING: WITH THE RELEASE OF J.J. WATT, THE PURGES CONTINUE FOR THE TEXANS. THE EXALTED EASTERBY IS REPORTED PLEASED AND CONFIDENT THAT HE WILL OVERTAKE WATT’S FRANCHISE SACK RECORD BY THE START OF THE DRAFT. THE TEAM RELEASED THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE:

“ALL GLORY TO THE EASTERBY! THE EASTERBY SHALL REIGN SUPREME!!!”