Totally Not Fake News: Official Polling Results from Our Completely Accurate and Unbiased Totally Not Fake News Poll(s)

HOUSTON, TX – In the past few months, the concept of polling has come under considerable scrutiny. Whether it is in politics or sports, the idea of the poll, while having some role to play, is also sometimes thought to be a poor representation of reality and what people are really thinking. Still, for some reason, people still do enjoy their polls, and one could argue that there were some significant market corrections, at least on the political side for Jan 2021. As for the sporting side, well, at least for college football, there is still some work to do (like Cincinnati getting screwed out of the right to make the FBS Playoffs so that they could be annihilated by the best professional team in college football that is Alabama)…oh, sorry…anyway, back to the polls.

We at Totally Not Fake News understand that the raison d’etre of polls are for internet debate. However, we have supreme confidence in our polling system, from the questions to the tabulations on how the results are posted. Completely objective and (mostly) above repute. Our methods are completely legal (in our eyes) and we can assure the reading audience that we simply go with the facts…nothing else.

Therefore, we will now update you on the results of a couple of polls we recently put out into the field. The first one concerned finding the correct, parallel figure for current Texans Executive Vice President for Football Operations, Jack Easterby. Here is the recap. Based on the responses, here is the final result of that poll:

It is official. Any comparisons of Jack Easterby to figures, real or imaginary, must be with Rasputin. This is the certified resul…hold on, we are getting word that somehow, there may have been a flaw in the system. Yes…yes, it appears that we at Totally Not Fake News, in spite of our best efforts, got this one wrong. Apparently, Rasputin is not an acceptable response. Therefore, we will go with the next highest option, that Easterby is his own level of vileness. This is a legitimate revision and has absolutely nothing to do with some disturbing email correspondence we received from some dude named Vladimir, who threatened to use some group calling itself the FSB to mess with our underwear drawer and/or threaten to reveal our internet search history to our significant others if we did not correct the error of besmirching the good name of Rasputin with the Easterby comparisons.

Photo by ALEXEI DRUZHININ/Sputnik/AFP via Getty Images

Anyway, now that this poll is done, let us move on to the next (less contentious) polling question. In this one, we asked about what term/phrase best describes the current state of the Texans. Here is the recap. The results:

Apparently, the public cannot limit itself to just one descriptive adjective. Maybe that is a case in America that we want more than the rest of the world. Either that, or the situation for the Texans warrants multiple descriptors. This is quite the drunk internet topic for the future. Would have been interesting to see the results if we could have revealed that one answer, which was [Censored by the Order of the Rasputin…whoops, the Easterby. We said/meant EASTERBY!!! VLAD, IT IS EASTERBY, NOT RASPUTIN!!! TELL YOUR FSB DROOGS TO CHILL, OK!!!]

With those results out of the way, we can move on to other areas of public debate/concern. Our next great poll question for consideration:

[Editor’s Note: Stepping out of character here, but while you ponder the “poll” results, consider that a lot of Texans fans are in some dire straits right now. The unseasonable weather is making life in Texas rough. Many need help now and many more are going to need some significant help in the near future. For those that can, here are some options for how to assist:

• Direct Help
• Red Cross
• Other Texas Charities to Consider Based on Charity Navigator Ratings

Any little bit you can provide will be of some help. Thank you].