Houston, TX – To say the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind for the residents of Houston is a gross understatement. A recent cold snap sent temperatures in Houston to historic lows. For a part of the world that does not generally see or deal with snow or sub-freezing temperatures, the people of the city got quite the education. Matters were not helped much by the significant troubles the Texas infrastructure faced in the wake of the recent weather event. Power and water issues dominated, and still dominate, state conversations.
With all of those major problems, it is not surprising that the actions of the Houston Texans have moved toward the backburner for media attention. “A blessing from the Lord,” noted one Texans employee. “Gets kinda hard to be the laughingstock of the league when we keep making one dumb mistake after another.”
“Never thought I would be getting laughed at by my colleagues in Detroit and Cleveland. Hell, even a Jets staffer was laughing at us. The JETS, for heaven’s sake!!! That team was so clearly sucking for Trevor Lawrence, and then couldn’t even get that right. “
“Did...did you just take the Lord’s name in vain?” exclaimed a stunned nearby staffer.
“No, I said ‘Heaven’, not ‘G-d’!!! Man, ever since the new rules from the high office about proper office language. Jesus Chri…”
“Dude, watch out!!!!!”
Two loud blasts from somewhere off-screen sounded, and the Zoom call was temporarily disrupted. After a few minutes, which included the furious cleaning of a computer screen, we received the following message:
“We at the Houston Texans offices take proper decorum seriously. We are a devout and proper organization and will not stand for anyone using harsh and profane language. Slander of the blessed name of our Savior will not be tolerated.“
It was some time after that situation that we managed to make contact with another staffer, who filled us in on the new strategy of the Houston Texans.
“We are going with a new plan. The ‘Quit Doing Stupid Things’ strategy. This involves us trying to avoid making major PR and football gaffes. In football, as in war, everything is very simple, but the simplest thing is difficult. Amy [Palcic] would have had this down pat, but well, now she is working for Urban III, er, the Jacksonville Jaguars”
“This mostly involves us just trying to keep out of the headlines. The recent real world activities did much to limit our media exposure. We are hoping to keep it that way. Notice the most recent things we have done since last week, which involved the cutting and re-signing of a few players and some office staff, most of whom you don’t really care about.”
When pressed about the rumors related to Deshaun Watson or Will Fuller, the official demurred. “You see, the less we publicly say about them, the better. Let the talking heads do all of our work. When we open our mouths, that’s when we get into problems.”
“Wait, but didn’t you make headlines with the recent financial donation to support Houston relief efforts?” we countered, thinking that surely the team would want to promote that action.
“Oh, yes, the Texans did…led by Janice McNair. That is good news for us,” the official noted. “That is the key point of the ‘Quit Doing Stupid Things’ Strategy. We want to put our best presence forward.”
“What do Cal [McNair] and [Jack] Easterby think of this?” we started to inquire.
“SHHHHHHHHH!!!! They can’t know! You know how the worst decisions tend to happen when they are in the limelight? Out of sight, out of mind. That includes limiting any and all public appearances we can, or even where there is the potential for public appearances. Even had to get the help of some local eating establishments.”
Totally Not Fake News did obtain proof of this strategy to limit the exposure of Easterby and McNair, as seen in this photograph.
On the surface, the plan seems to be working. However, with some key public events in the NFL offseason coming close, it is going to be difficult to keep media attention at bay.
“We know,” lamented the weary staffer. “All we can do is try our best to keep limiting that exposure. However, there is only so much Bible Study planning we can route to Easterby and/or basic building blocks for Cal to play with. We are praying, but to avoid any more stupidity, it may take a true miracle from the Almighty.”
In a subsequent statement from our press offices at the Pearly Gates, we received this reply from the spokesman St. Paul.
“So the Texans are hopeful that they can avoid any more dumb decisions from McEasterby??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Good one! Haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Oh, the Texans are going to be so much fun to laugh at this year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”