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Totally Not Fake News: The Great Debate Within the Houston Texans Front Office

The Texans Brain Trust Tackle the Pressing Issue That Faces the Franchise.

How do we get the fans back (when we can get the max number of fans)?
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – Come Sunday, with the completion of the Super Bowl, the off-season will be upon us all. Between figuring out what to do about free agents to planning out draft boards, the off-season is not remotely close to relaxing for the 32 NFL franchises. For the 7 teams that saw turnover in the head coaching ranks, there is even more work to do. All of the above issues, in addition to figuring out how the new leadership teams will adapt to the organization…. all of this in the still-ongoing pandemic.

The Houston Texans are no exception to the daunting off-season tasks. With a new Head Coach and General Manager, the team can move on to other matters. Yet, even among the teams that must integrate new leadership, the Texans are already running into significant hurdles, previously unforeseen and of a level that threaten the governing philosophy of the team.

What could those issues be? Is it the fact that the Texans project to be $18 million over the new salary cap? Is the fact that of the team’s eight draft picks in 2021, none of them are higher than the third round, and over half are day three selections? What of the fact that the team faces some major questions about the future of stars like J.J. Watt and Will Fuller?

“Well, I guess those are important football things to be worrying about” pondered new GM Nick Caserio. “However, that is not even close to the biggest concern we have going right now.”

When pressed about what could be bigger than the aforementioned issues, to include the status of the team’s relationship with disgruntled franchise quarterback Deshaun Watson, Caserio only shrugged. “Trust me, we are facing bigger, existential concerns about the team. Even bigger than how things got so [kittened] up with Watson. Yep, we are currently in a fight about the best type of worship service we want to hold as a team.”

“Worship Services for the Team?” our reporter could only exclaim.

“Yes” noted a weary Caserio. “Ever since we brought over [Dave] Culley and [Lovie] Smith, the Holy Trinity has been hard at work debating the worship procedures for the team.”

“It all goes back to the Holy Trinity. You see, the driving force behind these debates is Easterby. He is much more of a contemporary service type guy. Thinks that this allows for greater young people participation, and will help solve our team morale and ticket sales. He figures that if we do the contemporary services during home games, we can make up revenue real quick. Could possibly increase game attendance post-COVID. He even went so far as to say that if we, as an organization, implemented the contemporary service, we can easily sway Watson and get him back into the fold.”

“However, Cal is more old school. He is more of a traditional service guy, with the classic hymns and the regulated sermons. Thinks that Watson will dig the regimented order. Wasn’t quite as keen to implement [services] during the games but was open to having the worship service in the mornings before kickoff.”

“Rootes, well, he is more of the televangelist style. Whatever drives the team towards the optimal prosperity gospel action for the team to help revenues, he is all for.”

At this point, Caserio sighs. “I keep trying to tell these guys ‘So, what do you want to do about Watson?’ I can’t even so much as go to the bathroom without getting phone calls and text messages about proposed trade deals for Watson. I think I even got an offer from a team in Shanghai. The Jets, the Dolphins, the Raiders, the Montreal Alouettes, the Yankees, the Texas Rangers, the Democratic Party in Texas...they all want to talk deals for Watson. Of course they all suck. Best offer I saw was for a 2025 7th rounder, a bag of magic beans and a slightly used NSRV Bible. Guess they figure that I am like the last boob, er, BO’B that ran this office

All I ask is for someone to let me actually make a decision. Instead, all I get from Easterby or Cal is ‘So, Nick, what do you think about the hymn lineup for the season. Should we go with ‘I’m Alive’ and ‘Here I am to Worship’ on repeat for the first halftime, or should we try ‘The Rock of All Ages’? The ‘Rock of All Ages’ would be a great defensive anthem, no? What do you think?’

This job is driving me to meth real quick.”

We tried to reach out to members of the Holy Trinity for their inputs. We did receive an email message from Easterby:

“Will you mean sinners and social media trolls take the hint? Why do you disturb and disrupt my holy mission to save souls at NFL games? I have been blessed by the Lord on high for this most holy of missions. As I keep telling Cal [when he is sober] the best way to save the corrupt souls of the NFL world and offer the salvation of the Lord is to bring in as many thirsty souls as possible, so that they may partake of the quenching water that is the world of God. The best way to do that is by plugging the contemporary service game experience for the Home Games for 2021. This will bring the young people in droves. Just look at my previous work:”

Our reporter replied “Won’t attendance be better served by fixing the personnel disparities and maybe trying to resolve the dispute with Watson?”

The Most Exalted Easterby replied “When Watson hears about what we plan to do with the game experience, and how we plan to bring the Lord more into the execution of the team, he will come around. He has willed it that Watson will win the Super Bowl, and I, er, the team, will profit from this action.”

We called back to Caserio to ask a few follow-up questions. “Oh, I don’t know where Culley or Smith stand on this right now. I don’t know where they come down on the contemporary vs. traditional debate. Guess I will know soon enough. Well, if there…”

Caserio received a ping on his cellphone that did not seem to come from another team, but from the Texans front office.

“They’ve come to a major decision!!!” he states “Let’s see…the team has decreed that…they will only...be using grape juice for the communion services for the team. Apparently, Cal was not happy about that, but Easterby overruled him.”

“Looks like we have solved one the biggest debates of the off-season. Should bode well.” Stated Caserio in as flat a voice as possible, although he could barely hide the massive eye roll.

Caserio bid us farewell. However, as we left the Zoom chat, we notice that he was taking out a black zipper bag with what looked like a needle or two and some clear liquid.

“Ahhhhhhh…so much better!” exclaimed a voice a minute later (apparently, he had forgotten to completely log off the computer.)

On that note, we bid all a great day, and wish to leave all readers with these last, uplifting thoughts to make the rest of your day: