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Totally Not Fake News: The Purges Continue

...until the spiritual strength of the Holy and Divine Texans improves.

HOUSTON, TX - Over the past couple of weeks, there has been a great deal of hand-wringing about the state of the national economy. In particular, analysts and pundits of all sorts were curious to see just what the job market and unemployment numbers would look in the first month of the new administration. For the most part, you could say that they were improving, but that they may not tell the whole story. Either answer could be maddeningly correct. Such is the ambiguity of economic data.

However, we don’t have time to sort through such things as “detailed macroeconomic analysis” and “underemployment” or “data” or “facts”. Sounds kinda boring and would require actually knowing what you are talking about. Instead, we will look at a situation that is unambiguously clear: The unemployment numbers of the Houston Texans.

As this goes to press, the Texans, led by new general manager Nick Caserio and possibly the first velociraptor with a habit to be employed in any capacity by the NFL, have seen unemployment number spike rapidly. Just this past week, the Houston Texans released fullback Cullen Gillaspia and announced they would not re-sign the longest tenured Texan, long snapper Jon Weeks. Throw in the fact that the team decided not to place a franchise tag on wide receiver Will Fuller, and the organization, aside from McEasterby favorite David Johnson, is dead set on remaking the on-field product in the new image.

“This...isssssss...the new oooorrrrrdddddeeeerrr....,” noted a strangely acting Nick Caserio when we spoke to him via Zoom. “We...we...weeeeeeeeeeeeeee....(ahem), oh, yeeeeaaahhh, the roster. Wellllllll, Cal and Jack decided they wanted to shake things up...which is understandable after a ffffooooouuuurrrr-and-TEN!!, no, TWELVE!!!! TWELVE!!!! An [Easterby] FOUR and TWELVE season. Can, can...canyoublamethem?!? So, I’m all ‘first, let me get a hit or five,’ and BOOM!!!! I cut them all...CUT THEM ALLLL!!!!”

[Editor’s note: We are using a new standard when it comes to censoring certain words not always suitable for print. We appreciate your understanding as we implement these new changes.]

“You’ll have to excuse Nick,” said team assistant and animal trainer Owen Grady. “He didn’t used to be this way. Used to be rational, calculating, and sometimes a bit cold, but that is in his nature. However, ever since he came to Houston, this place brings out the worst in him. Started using this stuff just to get through the team sermons, er, staff meetings, and it has just been brutal, even by his species standards. Do you know what that stuff does to dinosaur anatomy? The yo-yoing between the highs and lows? Holy [Easterby]!!! A nightmare on two legs! It’s all too much for me.”

Caserio in his current state (left) vs. Caserio in his normal state (right)

Especially shocking seemed to be the cutting of Jon Weeks. Considered one of the best at his position who, in his entire eleven-year tenure as Houston’s long snapper proceeded to derp exactly....(consults notes)..(consults internet)...(consults witch doctor) ZERO long snaps, including punts and field goals. Weeks agreed to a new contract after his contract ended last season, but now, his time as a Texan is at an end. We may have reached out to Mr. Weeks to see what his state of mind was. His entirely imagined response:

“Thank you, Jesus!!! Oh, sweet, sweet mercy! I am FREE!!!! FREEDDDDOOOOMMMM!!!! Man, I am so glad I am outta there! You have no idea...NO IDEA!!! Okay, I mean, I was here for eleven years, so it is a big part of my life. Still, the last year plus? May as well have been five years right there. Oh, hallelujah!! I am FREEEEEEE!!!”

Former Texans Fullback Gillaspia:

“Eh, they weren’t using fullbacks that much anyway. Yeah, sucks that it’sall over, but you have to move on. Already looking at a new business venture: producing my own line of new hair care products. Specifically, the new hair care products for the Aggie that is looking for long, flowing locks that will make you stand out in the crowd. Besides, if I stayed on that team any longer, I think I might have pulled out my hair. Then where would my new business venture be?”

Provided the guy on the right doesn’t somehow end up in the state of Texas, Gillaspia may be able to lock down the men’s hair care market in the state.

We weren’t able to get in touch with Will Fuller directly, but we did receive this from his agent:

As for Deshaun Watson, when never actually asked about his newly unemployed ex-teammates:

“Lucky mother-[Easterbys]”

When we asked the front office about these moves, we got a lot of non-responses. However, after dogged persistence and some effective phishing (allegedly...which can’t be proven in a court of law), we got our answers:

“Okay, okay, we’ll answer your questions...just don’t tell my wife about those photos. Anyway, the front office is big on purging what they feel are the sins of the old regime. Anything that doesn’t fit into the grand vision of the McEasterby is done for in this organization. We are cutting waste. We have already gotten ourselves out from under a bloated roster and we are well under the salary cap. We have streamlined the rosters, the salaries, and even that YUGE backlog of season ticket holders. Just in the past couple of weeks, we reduced the waiting list by several thousand.”

“We are making the best moves and will move forward with the most holy, the most blessed of NFL teams. As Stalin was an instrument of God to purge the heathen commies in the Soviet Union, so the Deinoychus Caserio will purge the old roster and fulfill the prophecy of the Easterby. We are blessed by the Almighty and his prophet Easterby to be employed by the Holy and Divine Texans.”

Granted, it is not likely that the unemployment numbers will continue to drop for the Texans without some gains. The team signed former Seattle center Justin Britt, and given the various needs on the team without having many draft picks, the team will have to sign a few more players in the coming free agency feeding frenzy. Until then, we will continue to watch and report what we see.

This TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS report is brought you by the latest cinematic tour de force, the six-part “Building The Texans” documentary series. This documentary will offer such incredible insight about the state of the Texans and how they plan to build for the future. But don’t take our word for it. Listen to some of the endorsements:

  • “I think this will fire up our fan base and get people excited about the Texans again.” - Texans owner Cal McNair
  • “Greatest sports documentary of all time! [Easterby] it, the greatest documentary series of all time.” - Film critic Hack Jasterby
  • “This is a team documentary.” - Houston Chronicle
  • “I can’t believe what I am, seriously, I can’t believe what I am watching? Why am I watching this?” - Texans fan (actually, we got a lot of similar responses from Texans fans)
  • “This should clean up in awards season!!!” - Film critic and publicist Mr. Imer-Not-Easterby
  • “Wonderful work!!! We showed this thing to a couple of our ‘guests’ and man, did it do wonders!!! Got a lot of key intelligence about upcoming terrorist plots we were able to stop. We even got some great leads on the location of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart.” - ‘Bob’ from an undisclosed ‘Black Site’
  • “No, this wouldn’t qualify for any of our awards. Even we have standards.” - Chair of the “Razzies” Committee.

So take it from our critics, go watch the first episode of “Building the Texans” Today. Especially with the one you, love.