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TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Rebuilding, Reloading and the Road to Victory

There can be a slow, deliberate start to free agency, there is a fast start...and then there is the Texans.

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HOUSTON, TX – With the start of the new league calendar year, teams can start to negotiate and sign various free agents. The aim of these actions is to either rebuild the deficient shortcomings of a squad from a previous season and/or reload on areas of strength, building up critical depth for the coming season. For the Houston Texans, leadership is looking do both.

“Since Sunday, this team has been a house afire!!!” noted one team official. “Caserio has been going crazy, a freakin’ berserker signing players left and right! We can’t keep the toner in the printer/fax machines refilled fast enough, getting contracts out and receiving signed deals into our office. We no sooner announce one signing, where we can pose their bio and the obligatory photo-shopped Texans jersey before we get word that Caserio just signed another guy. Five of our folks are pleading exhaustion. It got so bad that one of the PA staff actually replayed ‘Building the Texans’ to feel good about himself…NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!” The team official in question suddenly started to look left and right in a frantic manner, as if expecting something.

“It would be one thing if we were signing players that people had heard of. You know, like the big ticket free agents. However, we are mostly signing guys that none of us have ever heard of outside of the signed contract paperwork. In fact, after we signed Chris Moore, we got a note from his parents, surprised that they had a son that was playing for the Texans. Yet, the biggest shock wasn’t that he was in the NFL or playing for the Texans…they actually didn’t remember having a son with that name. It has just been insane.”

To say that the Texans have been busy in free agency is an understatement. Since Sunday, the team has traded Benardrick McKinney for Shaq Lawson, traded for Patriots Offensive Lineman Marcus Cannon for a series of pick swaps and signed 10 free agents, and this doesn’t include the clubhouse leader for Week 1 Start [CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE EASTERBY]...er, back-up quarterback to Watson, Tyrod Taylor. Surprisingly, all of these moves still left the Texans with about $2M in cap space, but more space will be made in the days ahead.

Some on the staff had some unique takes on the strategy. “Word was going around the office that we implemented ‘Operation Bargain Bin’. Initially, after Caserio went all angry-Velociraptor these past two weeks, Cal was really, really excited about free agency, talking up how we were going to buy the best and the brightest. However, Caserio had to point out that we only had so much cap space and a lot of personnel needs, so the team couldn’t run through all the money now. Cal threw a fit, but Caserio and Easterby managed to talk him down. That, and Janice had to tell Cal that he could spend money, but it was like shopping in the bargain bin at GameStop. That and they had to promise that if he was a good boy, he could spend a lot of money in 2022.”

Figure this was floating through Cal’s mind during that conversation...
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“Besides, it wasn’t there was a ton of competition for most of these guys. I mean, I love seeing the team make these moves, but most of these guys weren’t getting a lot of “swipes right” on NFL Tinder, if you get my drift.”

“Hey, I ain’t gonna complain. The 1-year deal beats what I could have pulled down working at Taco Cabana” observed Tremon Smith, who, we think, may or may not have played for the Colts. We really don’t have any idea at this point.

There were also a few eyebrows raised when Caserio was working deals with Miami and New England. “Well, New England, isn’t it obvious? He was calling home. I am sure that Belichick was willing to work with Caserio, especially since he didn’t care about that one OL guy anyway” observed another team staffer. “However, Miami was a more unique case. Much of the current Miami staff has ties to New England. When Caserio first called, I think they were leery, but then he uttered ‘Do your job’ and suddenly, things just started happening magically.”

However, there were questions as to the long term strategy of the Texans. Some might be heartened by the activity, especially given the roster holes and the lack of quality draft picks. Others might wonder just what the [Easterby] this team is doing. For the ground truth, we turned to the heart of the Texans, and he gave an expectedly positive answer.

“Oh ye of little faith! Doth not you see the glory and vision that is of the Easterby?” noted Jack Easterby. “Following the doctrine of Smart, Tough and Dependable, we are creating a new divine order. It is said that you are only as strong as your weakest link. Well, we are building up a stronger weakest link. Our backups will be the best in the league, as they will beat up all other back-ups. I’m already calling the Texans to win the pre-season, with our solidified depth signings. VICITORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICTORY, VICT [Editor’s note: This goes on for about 30 lines]…blessed be the Easterby, for while he be poked with the arrows of spite, he will truly lead the faithful to the promised land, the divine and blessed paradise that is the Houston Texans.”

“Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go post my latest motivational quote to my adoring social media followers, who thirst for the divine word of their prophet, The Easterby.”

While he does that, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to make sense of the whirlwind moves of the Houston Texans, as they attempt to move on from the combined dumpster fire/$hitshow/cluster[Easterby] that was the 2020 season and the mismanaged situation with disgruntled franchise quarterback Des[CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE EASTERBY]…really, this bug again? Ok, the situation with current starting quarterback Deshaun Watson. Happy now, you [Easterby] bas[CENSORED BY ORDER OF THE EASTERBY]?