HOUSTON, TX – The mad fury of activity for the Houston Texans that started with the advent of the new league year shows absolutely no signs of abating. At the time of this writing, the team has added 33 new players. In addition, with the restructuring of the Laremy Tunsil deal and whatever Whitney Mercilus conned the last full-time general manager into giving him, there is just that much more cap room to add even more players.
“I saw where sooommmeee organizations out there were talking about our high unemployment numbers a while back. We, I should think we blew those numbers WAAAYYYY OUT OF THE WATER!!! We are hiring, and we can’t fill all the roster holes fast enough!” noted an exultant Cal McNair. “At this rate, we may just set a record for greatest roster turnover, and we haven’t even gotten to the draft. That’s at least eight more players we can add...and the financial value of those picks…man, we may just have a BRAND NEW TEAM!!! The “losers” from last year, they are all GOONNNEEE, BABY!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some real work to get back to..”
“He said that?! Mother[Easterby]!!! I thought we had cordoned him off from the press? [Easterby!, Easterby! Easterby!]” noted an exasperated staffer. “Caserio has gone even more insane signing players. We even tried to tell him through the Most High Easterby that even God took a day off. We just saw three employees collapse at their desks after trying to look up the bios for another twelve players no one has ever heard of as of today. At least we have had a couple of minutes to rest…no, wait, now we need to update the player profiles of another 3…no, 4…no, 5…no, 10….HEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!”
“Yes, we have been busy” observed Texans GM Nick Caserio. “However, the state of this team when we got here was…not good. Gotta rebuild the culture and I don’t have time to waste. The sooner we fix this roster, the better we can be to build the model organization…and by model organization, I absolutely do not mean to model this organization like the team I spent my entire professional front-office life. Nope, that whole P******s South thing is absolutely not driving every single one of my decisions. In fact, I will show you the simplified checklist we use in targeting and signing players:”
1. Are they Smart, Tough, Dependable?
2. Have they ever been associated with the New England Patriots and/or Bill Belichick within at least 3 degrees of separation?
3. Is anyone else interested in these players? (actually, this is not a factor whatsoever)
4. Do they accept the higher power as espoused by the Most High and Exalted Prophet the Blessed Jack Easterby?
5. Does the The Easterby think these players
are gullible and desperate are of good moral character and the right culture fit?
6. Will they accept
the only offer they are going to receive fair market value?
7. Does said player have an actual pulse and/or functional brain? (it is not required that said player possess both)
8. Will this player have any issues working with an individual that identifies as dromaeosaur?
(Note: It is not a requirement that said player fulfill all of these requirements. The priority will be items 2 (even if we can’t officially say that publicly), 4,5,6, with 8 a personal preference for the GM. Item 8 is also to account for any and all NFL Equal Opportunity Initiatives).
[Editor’s Note: There is an outside chance this might have been a draft version.]
However, this is not to say that the Texans are only hiring. There have been a couple of cuts. The seemingly smart, tough and dependable practice squad WR Chad Hansen received his walking papers this week. Also, one of the numbers of the new Texans players is a recycling of a recently fired player. Jon Weeks will return to the roster to resume his 11-year career for the Texans. [Editor’s Note: Yes, the firing and immediate rehiring of a player probably shouldn’t count as a “new” player, but who’s going to tell Cal?]
“Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.” lamented Jon Weeks in the Zoom call. “I was all ready to start the next phase, or you know, find a real team. Unfortunately, my LinkedIn profile didn’t get a lot of traction when I mentioned that was mostly known for throwing a football between my legs, and I guess I forgot to change the signature block of “Smart, Tough, Dependable.” That and I still gotta pay the bills, so yeah, I decided to go back.”
[Editor’s Note: This came to mind for some reason]
Still, the Texans are hoping to make headlines about the mass of new players, preferring to focus on the 33 players brought in, and not on another fast-rising number which was up to 16 at the time of this writing.
We at Totally Not Fake News attempted to get further insights into this, uh, situation that somehow seems to be drowning out the mass personnel upheavals from the Texans front office, but all of a sudden, everyone’s Zoom channels went blank, immediately replaced by the following statement:
“We are in contact with the NFL regarding this matter. We are working through the legal system. All inquiries will be handled by those other guys. Now, if you want to talk about all of the sacrificial lambs, er, super-duper new free agents we just hired and will continue to hire, as well as our new front office promotions, as well as the release dates of that documentary sensation, Building The Texans” [Editor’s Note: We immediately shut off our screens after those words].
All phone calls were immediately cut off with the mention of the question, replaced with the same statement, read robotically.
We even tried to
hack interface with Cal McNair during an on-line work session. No success.
Finally, we did get a hold of a staffer, who did note that this situation was receiving serious attention, so much so that Cal actually hit “pause” on his
gaming on-line work session to try to reach out to figure out the story. The written response from Watson:
“This is the most serious of matters. We are working through the legal system. All statements and inquires will be answered and handled by my legal representation. *”
So it is that we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to monitor and report on what we can for the on and off field situation concerning the Texans. As we can report things to you, our loyal and faithful readers, we will.