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Totally Not Fake News: Back To The Drawing Board

Meet the New Strategy...Same as the Old Strategy.

Louis Wain at his drawing board, 1890s Photo by Fine Art Images/Heritage Images/Getty Images

HOUSTON, TX – It was too good to last. The Texans, as recently as last week, seemed eager to implement their new strategy to resolve the chaos enveloping this team since the end of the off-season, or really, since the day that the-then-head-coach and the-then-and-current Executive Vice President of Football Operations decided that it would be a stellar idea to streamline the front office positions that tackle the personnel decisions like a combined general manager. The vaunted “Quit Doing Stupid Things” strategy seemed to have some potential, with various cuts and strategic depth resignings.

Yet, that strategy would flounder this past week when the Texans decided, instead of outright cutting the older and not-as-effective all-purpose running back David Johnson, to resign him to a modified contract, taking a projected $8.5 million salary from his previous contract and making it a $6 million one-year deal with a $4.5 million guarantee.

“This is a great deal for us” noted a staffer who directly reports to Jack Easterby. “A [running] back capable of a 1,000 combined yards season is a great thing for this team. He brings a LOT of experience, which for a running back, along with worn treads, shows extended determination and valuable leadership. His one great jump-cut a game is so worth the money.”

However, not everyone was so thrilled at the news. “We did THAT!?!? After all of our grand plans for trying to get this team to avoid the dumb calls…AAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!” screamed another staffer (who used a legal cat filter on his Zoom to avoid identification). “Why, why, oh, WHY oh Lord, have thou forsaken us!?!?!?”

“Look, I had some hope” Noted another staffer using a sad panda Zoom chat filter. “I thought that Caserio was showing some acumen, making some half-way smart calls, but then THAT??? This on top of the whole Watt fiasco, who, bad enough decided to leave the team, but then to sign in Arizona, with DHop, and making about the same as he would have here…surely we could have gotten a draft pick…maybe even a younger running back than Johnson…Drake???”

When we attempted to ask Nick Caserio about these recent moves, we were told that he was eating lunch and could not be disturbed.

Generally best not to disturb Nick Caserio when he is hungry.
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We did manage to get a hold of Jack Easterby, looking for his explanation of the recent moves.

“The Lord giveth to the Easterby and taketh away from the unenlightened and unworthy. David Johnson is worthy above all others on the roster…well, except for Deshaun Watson, who will see the light, especially when we bring our new contemporary services to the games. That always gets the young people out and into the stands. That, and our new propo, er, Texans video series, will clearly bring him and the young people back. It is a triumph of the will of the Holy and Divine Houston Texans ”

“For the unclean, the heathens and the unworthy, the selfish and self-centered stars who do not fit within the holiness of the Easterby team…well, we have sent them, as ordained by God, to the burning sands of hell, located right outside of Glendale.”

“The message I have given the team (for the most part) and the players, and will continue to repeat in all manners and forums is ‘We are honored and blessed by God to be . David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.’”

Admittedly, we did notice something odd about his Zoom filter, but he was too busy looking to extoll the virtues of the Gospel According to Easterby.

There’s something familiar about this filter...but we won’t speculate, and not because of any concerns from a bare-chested judo master politician who averages about 5 hockey goals a game and a three Cyrillic Letter organization that works for him...nope, definitely not because of that whatsoever.

“Actually, the whole David Johnson thing goes back to McEasterby. Especially McNair. Ever since he read that report on how Madden rejected the proposed trade of Hopkins, he is hell…er, heaven-bent on trying to prove everyone one wrong about the trade. He is obsessed with showing the world that David Johnson is still a spectacular back, one that is worthy of that great season in 2016 and that the Texans are more than just a feeder team for the Arizona Cardinals.” Noted yet another staffer content to use a different Zoom filter, this one of a Wiccan priest.

As for the coaching staff, they didn’t seem to have too much to say on the matter.

David Culley “We are honored and blessed by God and his prophet Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.”

Offensive Coordinator Tim Kelly: “We are honored and blessed by God and his prophet Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.”

Running Backs coach Danny Barrett: “We are honored and blessed by God and his prophet Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.”

As for other players, the verdict was mixed:

Recently resigned running back Buddy Howell: “I am honored and blessed by God and his prophet Jack Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.”

Recently resigned Tight End Pharaoh Brown: “I am honored and blessed by God and his prophet Jack Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year.”

[One of the first players we spoke to before the contract information] Center Nick Martin: “I am honored and blessed by God and his prophet Jack Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! That is FUNNY!!!! I ALMOST made it through that line without laugh…” [the Zoom connection was cut-off and he was cut immediately afterwards]

Recently resigned running back David Johnson. “I am honored and blessed by God and his prophet Jack Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be a great back for us next year”

“Wait a minute, aren’t you David Johnson?” We observed.

“Yes, yes, I am. I am honored and blessed by God and his prophet Jack Easterby to be a member of the Divine Texans. David Johnson will be great back for us next year.”

Free Agent Will Fuller: “Hey, can someone get me the GM for Arizona? I need to get the hell outta here!”

We tried to ask Cal McNair his thoughts, but his assistant, with the Zelda Zoom filter noted: “Sorry, Mr. McNair is busy. He is trying to solve a puzzle that has bedeviled him for 35 years…getting that first mushroom in the Original Super Mario Brothers. So far, he has managed to avoid the first goomba 35% of the time. When he fulfills his goal, he will get back with you.”

Cal will get this...we think.
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So it would appear that the Texans are once again going back to the drawing board. Will there be another attempt to resurrect the “Quit Doing Stupid Things” Strategy, or will the team find another path forward? Will it be any smarter, or will it continue to be the “righteous path”, where only the completed dedicated, sold on the message of all things McEasterby, can follow? Stay tuned. Heavens knows we will (why, we have no idea).