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Imagine David Culley In A David Culley Offense

Phew, come on now.

Jacksonville Jaguars v Philadelphia Eagles Photo by Hunter Martin/Getty Images

To the empty-hearted, those malignant souls whose interior knows only dark skies and how deep the bottom can be, David Culley’s hiring is thought of as imbecilic, hilarious, silly, or abhorrent. Those with true hearts, those who follow the 11th commandment, those who are led through the gate instead of around it or over it by thieves and bandits, know the truth.

They know that David Culley is exactly what the Houston Texans need. Bill O’Brien was the anti-Culley. Screaming and stupid. Bloody and boneheaded. Tantrums, myriad like the stars above. Culley is the opposite of O’Brien. His voice is velvet draped over a scarred and frayed franchise. His smile is a guiding light to playing football the right way. Joy is ubiquitous, it flows from Culley’s soul throughout the entirety of Houston’s football operation. Light is bounding up from the horizon to replace the darkness O’Brien lathered in.

Not only that, unlike O’Brien, the offensive super-genius whose best offensive performance was 16th in offensive DVOA with a rating of 0.2%, David Culley knows what works. He knows how to create a successful NFL offense instead of pinning all of his offensive success on the greatest quarterback of all-time, someone that the men who made you do up-downs in sticker fields could have ridden to conference championship games, Culley is the thread that combines the best of everything. As the Texans’ new head coach so eloquently said:

As you look today, the common thread with all of that is there as I’ve gone through that process from Kansas City, to Buffalo, to Baltimore and as everybody knows, it works, and that’s who I am. That’s who I am. And that same thing, I’m bringing here to the Houston Texans because I know it works, and it’s going to work here with us.

A David Culley offense is a combination of what the Chiefs, Bills, and Ravens do. It attacks every blade of grass and works the defense horizontally and vertically while utilizing motion to stretch defenses until they shred apart. It spreads the field out to create easy throws against man coverage and floods the defense to finds hole against zone coverage to create a beautiful quick passing and screen game. It utilizes the quarterback as a runner and a hydra of running backs to bash defenses with a power run game. This, combined with a variety of reads and options, ensures the defense has no idea where the ball will go. It’s the NFL’s next great secret. A torrential force soon to be unleashed. This, when united with Culley’s guiding light, like a lantern, like the angler fish, like the headlamp, will make the Texans an unstoppable offensive juggernaut. All while playing the game as it should be played—faith, family, Olive Garden. The most important part of the football is the football.

Read the names. Andre Roberts, Chris Conley, Alex Erickson, Ryan Izzo, Ryan Finley, Tyrod Taylor, Donte Moncrief, Chris Moore, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay. Read each individual. Close your eyes. Keep it close to your heart. Sit on it. Hold it deep within. Imagine that player in a David Culley offense.

Can you see Taylor keeping on a counter-read? Can you see Conley catching quick drags off mesh and beating defenders up the field? Can you see Lindsay acting as a mid-zone counter to the power run attack? Can you see Mark Ingram, brutal and barbaric, crushing overhang defenders on the pitch? Can you see Ryan Izzo sneaking behind defenders on roll outs? Can you see? Can you see? Can you see? Oh, I can see!

Every player has been perfectly plucked specifically by Nick Caserio for a role in a Culley offense. Each one perfect and beautiful. Yet there is one player above all who would have been perfect in a David Culley offense. Unfortunately, there is no amount of cap space or draft picks that could be exchanged to to add that athlete to the roster. Because time, as we experience it, only flows downhill. You can’t put the crap back in the donkey. You can’t put the milk back in the glass. Entropy. Heartbreaking and devastating, prevents us from the ultimate elixir.

David Culley in a David Culley offense.

Wild and luscious. Mobile and dexterous. Making the option game easy. Dangling defenses along, treating them how the roadrunner treats the snake. That left hand. Playing the game the way it’s supposed to be played. The man to lead his team both on and off the field with guidance and by example, a true wonder of love and light.

Since this isn’t a possibility to those bound by the restrictions of this world and this life, I guess Tyrod Taylor will have to do.