TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Getting Pumped For The New Season

HOUSTON, TX – As the off-season continues to move forward, the new regime of the Texans continues to move forward as well. After the massive blitz of free agent signings, with some more still to come, the Texans are also looking forward to the draft, now just a few weeks away.

“We have eight picks. Plenty of opportunity for good value players. Gotta love our position for round three. Definitely some great value coming our way” chimed an eager Nick Caserio. “Oh, and don’t get me started on all of the undrafted free agents we can get our hands on…oh, baby! Just a like a nice, simple massa….er, wait, I mean a nice, warm intimate hu…oh, it just feels nic…you know what, just accept that I am pleased with how my [Easterby] off-season plans are going!”

Yet, even as the final shape of the 2021 roster is yet to take place, the team is working to show off to the fans the potential excitement that awaits when the 2021 season kicks off. As a complement to the glorious series known as “Building the Texans”, which at last count, is almost up to four digits in views, and perhaps even crack double-digits in social media likes, the Texans released an in-house video to show-off the current and emerging stars for the Texans.

“First off, we take exception to your characterization of our epic “Building the Texans” and how it is being treated on social media. I mean, I keep seeing it pop up all over social media. Our social media experts, when they are not busy kicking Cal’s arse in Virtual Wii Tennis, inform us that we are seeing many appearances and mentions of it on Twitter. A whole lot of ratios going on, which I think is wonderful for the business” observed a somewhat glassy-eyed new team president Gregg Grissom.

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“Second, we want to highlight to the fans of the Texans that the past is over and that we are moving on with our bevy of quality players of good character and moral standing, which we feel, especially through the wisdom of the most Exalted Easterby, will translate on to the field.”

“Look, we got Justin Reid, who is a fine young player, and I think we can get him on the path to being the best safety in his family. We got some good, talented receivers, like a Super Bowl caliber guy like Brandin Cooks and the experienced Randall Cobb. Oh, did you see what Pharaoh Brown could do? David Johnson, a back capable of 2000 combined yards, and to say nothing of the 30...no, wait, 34…is it…ok, we are back to 30 free agents we brought in. Damn, that Caserio…the speed that he moves as is almost velociraptor-like. So, we have all of these talented guys, and we had to showcase that for the fans, like in the video we just released”

When we pointed out that we noticed a potential omission in the video, the president thought for a second and then exclaimed “That’s right! I think we forgot to put [Whitney] Mercilus in that video. Interesting, for one of the guys making the most money on the team, and the team’s all-time playoff sack leader, you would think we should feature him more. Granted, I did hear from some folks that he had a few off games last season, where he did so little for the team that he even forgot that who he was. I’ll just chalk that up to a bad season. We are moving forward though.”

[Editor’s Note: Turns out Mercilus was in the video, albeit very briefly, and not really doing much, so pretty reflective of his 2020 season.]

Photo by Rey Del Rio/Getty Images

Our intrepid reported noted. “Uh, no, I think the team has made a rather significant omission on that highlight tape. Wasn’t the top player the team the guy who led the NFL in passing, and wasn’t he..”

“Hold it, Hold it! Are you not hearing what I just said?!” Exclaimed an exasperated Grissom. “Go back to all of those wide receivers and tight ends…er, forget I used that term. Call them the other, bigger wide receivers. Looks at all the receiving yards. Throw in the running backs and we are in great business. This is a team game, and the diverse stats from our players reflect a team game. Yes, we had some turnover since the end of the year, but we will once again, with our balanced attack of great players of character. Throw in our clutch kicker, the one responsible for the winning margin in our last playoff win, and we can be a formidable offensive machine.”

Our reporter persisted. “Yes, Fairbairn did make that short field goal to win the game, but I think you are forgetting the play that made that responsible. That incredible…”

“Yes, yes, the incredible catch and run by that one guy who made his one and only play for the team. But that was the 2019-2020 season. We are not about the past, only the future. The future, Brian!” Grissom roared.

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“Uh, my name is not Brian. How many times do I need to keep telling you…”

[Grissom, after a dramatic eye roll] “Look, it doesn’t matter Brian, Brohan, Bruin!!! The ‘Building the Texans’ is not just the name of a docuseries. It is the mantra of this organization, of the Texans as a whole. The sooner you get that through your head, the easier this will be for all of us.”

Our reporter fired back “What about the starting quarterback?”

[Grissom] “What about him?”

[Reporter] “Why wasn’t he in the video??? Your best player, and he can’t even get a mention in that vide…”

[Grissom] “Tyrod Taylor hadn’t been signed yet, numb [Easterby]!!! Can’t use a quarterback that hasn’t been on the team yet.”

“Taylor??” Our reporter nearly collapsed out of view of the Zoom call in shock/exasperation.

“Yes, Taylor” noted the team president in a condescending way. “Look, you all seem to be down on him, but remember, he led a team to the playoffs. Freaking Buffalo. [He] was under center when they ended their 17-year drought. I think he can end our 1-year hiatus.”

“So, we aren’t going to mention last year’s starting quar…”

“THAT WAS LAST YEAR!!! Watt is gone! McKinney is gone! Fuller is gone!!! The old order is being purged. We are on to 2021!!!”

“So, if I say the name Watso…”

“Don’t know what you are talking about. You can’t prove that in any legal forum. No liability whatsoever in criminal or civil court. Now if you excuse me, I have work to do.”

“You can’t deny the situation with Deshau…”

[CLICK]…[Mechanical Voice] “You are the only participant…You are the only participant…You are the only participant.”