TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Heroes & Villains

HOUSTON, TX – The offseason continues. The next great moment in the NFL calendar is almost upon us, when the NFL Draft will dominate screens of all types (TV, computer, tablet, smart phone). The lifelong dreams of 259 men will come true over the course of three days as they find out what NFL jersey they get the chance to wear. It will be an extravaganza where the NFL announces its return to dominate the sports scene in America…at least for a weekend, before going back to sleep until August, when it will rule again.

For most NFL franchises, the draft continues the eternal season of optimism, where any team reinforces their status as a championship contender, only that one player or move away from going over the top. Concurrently, the draft is a chance for those teams that struggled of late to have the chance to hit the lottery, drafting that franchise-altering player, the one that will set a team on the path to full glory. For MOST franchises.

Then you have the Houston Texans. Who knew that when they left the field after that 41-38 barnburner of a loss that left the once vaunted Texans 4-12 this would be the highlight of 2021? Every action since ten just make the dwindling number of fans for the Texans long so much for the gory, er, glory that was the regular season. The beauty of a running game that was lucky to gain more than three yards outside of a Deshaun Watson scramble, back when any fan ire towards the QB was that he wasn’t sliding enough. The sublime artistry of a Texans defensive back flailing dramatically, but futilely, to prevent a receiver from catching a ball and running for a huge gain. Watching the valiantly overmatched defensive line play after play, looking for that one snap where someone other than J.J. Watt could actually do something positive. Those are what experts in the industry refer to as the “good ol’ days”.

There is no need to recap the litany of pain and sorrow that has followed this team since the calendar turned to 2021. It is not that the Texans have been idle, with a massive turnover on and off the field. Far, far from it. However, it is some of the biggest moves, made or not made, that define the period for this team. Unfortunately, the draft, normally an oasis of hope, does not help here. The team has eight picks, but only one of them happens before Day Three of the draft.

Thus, when looking at a situation that official polling calls a dumpster fire inside of a $hitshow wrapped up in a cluster[Easterby], it is natural and easy to try to find out “who is responsible?” Therefore, in the fine tradition of internet polling, let us undertake our strategic analysis to find out just who is responsible. First, the candidates:

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Jack Easterby: Executive Vice President of Football Operations. Purveyor of the bad stereotypical jokes in lame contemporary sermons. Last survivor in the Texans GM wars. This modern-day Rasputin (according to polling) has no shortage of Twitter followers and is the clubhouse leader in Texans who are ratioed on that social media forum. Subject of multiple SI.com articles (always a good thing for Houston sports, right?).

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Cal McNair: Owner of the Texans since Bob McNair passed away. Team record since he took over: 18-20 (1-2 in playoff games, including a 20 point loss in a game the team led 24-0). Shaved thousands of names off season ticket waiting list. Felt the best move for the Texans was to dual-hat BO’B as general manager and head coach, followed by the move to fire BO’B. Views Jack Easterby as the critical linchpin to future success of the franchise. Alienated top two players for Texans. Clubhouse leader for worst Houston sports owner press conferences. Nicknamed “Tommy Boy.”

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J.J. Watt: Former Franchise icon. Abandoned the team to seek greater opportunities for championships, which took him to Arizona. Now playing with “That” player.

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Deshaun Watson: After a great individual season, felt alienated by Texans leadership. Doesn’t want to play for the Texans ever again. May get his wish, but not quite in the way he figured.

Photo by Alika Jenner/Getty Images

BO’B (or BOB, or BOOB, or…whoops, sorry about that...got distracted): Was punished for his inability to succeed at the impossible task of being a good coach and GM. Fired, but somehow, his moves are still haunting his former employer. Now a minion for Nick Saban, solidifying the University-of-Alabama-Offensive-Coordinator-to-University-of-Texas-Head-Football-Coach pipeline.

Photo by Matthew J. Lee/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Bill Belichick: NFL’s Sith Lord. Gave all of his underlings the impression that if they did exactly everything like he did, running a franchise exactly he did, they could succeed. If you recreate the New England Patriots with your franchise, even calling it Patriots (cardinal direction), you could succeed.

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Bud Adams: When is he not a villain for Houston Football?

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Houston Astros: The karma from all of their cheating is permeating throughout the entire Houston sports universe (or so the always rational and honest fans from the East and West Coast media markets would have you believe). Clearly, the banging of trash cans nearly four years ago is completely responsible for all the woes of the Houston Texans in the 2021 offseason.

ercot.com

ERCOT: Once we figured out what the [Easterby] our energy bill will be and once we finishing selling all of our limbs, blood, souls, and the next seven generations of firstborns to pay said bill, we can then think about if they have a role to play in this mess.

cnn.com

2020: I don’t quite know how the year 2020 can be the reason that the 2021 offseason has been so brutal for the Texans, but given how awful 2020 was, it would be next level pain that only the Texans could achieve that 2020 is the reason for this bad offseason.

If we have villains, that generally implies that the story must have heroes. This is a lot harder to do. I guess there are some outside contenders, between Nick Caserio finding a way to completely flip a roster before the draft, NFL-lifer David Culley finally getting a chance of being “The Man” to lead a team, and Laremy Tunsil, who is arguably the best player on the roster. However, we shall look for the real heroes for the team by the use of our supremely accurate and indisputable scientific methods and algorithms that are beyond even the power of Facebook and Twitter. Here are the choices for heroes of the Texans offseason (to make it easier for you, our trusted and brilliant readers, all of these will be multiple choice):