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Texans 2021 Schedule Predictions

We got nuthin’ better to do.

Texas v Rice Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

The NFL season exists better within my own head. My ruminations and desires waiting to be confirmed by reality. The things I want to see are always better than the things I see. The Bengals defensive line. Baltimore figuring out the sideline passing game. The run game gaining strength as teams get lighter and faster and empty the box. Seeing Brandin Cooks, Davis Mills, and Jordan Akins in a David Culley offense. Come on now.

Currently, the 2021 NFL season exists only in our heads, as we piece together the newest rookie classes and free agent jersey changes, and try and see what this may look like. Patrick Mahomes behind a completely rebuilt offensive line. Gus Bradley’s reworked cover three defense in Dallas, Trevor Lawrence in a Jacksonville heart attack offense, Mike Vrabel attempting to not be the defensive coordinator while still trying to be the defensive coordinator to coach an infused defense, and the Bucs, well the Bucs are exactly the same.

This speculation extends out to the 2021 NFL schedule for a little while longer. Tonight the NFL is releasing the schedule. A schedule that exists better in our own heads. This one is pristine. This is one is ancient and wonderful. This is how the Houston Texans 2021 season should play out.

Week One: Jacksonville v. Houston

Trevor Lawrence starts his career off against the worst defense he’s played against since Wake Forest 2019. I can’t wait to hold my giant baby and watch this game.

Week Two: New York Jets v. Houston

The Texans get to play all the quarterbacks, aside from Justin Fields, that they could have selected if they had a first round pick. It’s Lawrence, it’s Zach Wilson, it’s Trey Lance, it’s, ugh, Mac Jones I guess.

Week Three: Houston v. San Francisco

I still have PTSD from week five 2013. I can still see Matt Schaub’s pick six and Ben Jones oinking and slipping across the turf. I can hear Michelle Tafoya open up the gates of hell.

Week Four: Indianapolis v. Houston

The Texans try to stave off 0-4. Can they do it? No, they can’t.

Week Five: (Thursday Night Football) Houston v. Arizona

Last year was fun. Around this time hordes of losers went on the internet to complain that THEIR Houston Texans, THEIR Super Bowl contending football team was given ZERO respect since they only had one national football game. Every team gets one. They got theirs against Kansas City, and got their head kicked in. Here’s their one this year. A revenge game for J.J. Watt and DeAndre Hopkins against Jack Easterby.

Week Six: BYE

Please hit the snooze button. Don’t wake up until January.

Week Seven: Houston v. Tennessee

This is always a fun game. Last year was fun. This year probably won’t be.

Week Eight: Los Angeles Chargers v. Houston

Look upon yeee franchise quarterback on a rookie contract. See how the Chargers did it. See how they rebuilt their entire offensive line with one first round pick and a little bit of cap space. This is how you do it. It’s unreal how badly Bill O’Brien blew the unblowable.

Week Nine: Seattle v. Houston

Stink and slimy, Russell Wilson throws for 450 and 4 touchdowns. We laugh in misery as Terrance Mitchell and Lonnie Johnson Jr. tries to cover D.K. Metalf and Tyler Lockett. Lovie Smith is absolutely kerfuffled his defense from 2003 doesn’t work in 2021.

Week Ten: Houston v. Buffalo

I’m abandoning my wife and child to go to Buffalo to see how good our god is LIVE and in person. Get crazy with the Labatt Blue.

Week Eleven: Los Angeles Rams v. Houston

This is a tough schedule. At this point we’ve already moved onto watching the Sooners and Spencer Rattler. David Culley’s face is melting, his positivity has finally reached its limit. It will be fun seeing what Sean McVay’s offense with a real quarterback.

Week Twelve: Houston v. Indianapolis

The only good things Bill O’Brien ever accomplished was beating the Patriots once, and finally beating the Colts on the road. I’m glad it happened since it won’t happen again until 2025.

Week Thirteen: Houston v. Cleveland

It’s Jadeveon Clowney’s revenge game part two. I’ll always hold on.

Week Fourteen: New England v. Houston

This game has to take place in December. It’s part of our collective consciousness.

Week Fifteen: Houston v. Miami

The divergent of two paths. The Tunsil trade changed the outlook of both franchises. Optics alone, the Texans can’t trade Deshaun Watson here, and pass a Super Bowl over to the Dolphins, the thing the Texans should have had.

Week Sixteen: Tennessee v. Houston

I’m already hungover staring at the calendar.

Week Seventeen: Houston v. Jacksonville

A disgusting sandwich. The Jaguars are the wonderbread.

You can watch the schedule release show on NFL Network tonight at 7 p.m. central. You can get the news from the Texans team site by following the social media post below.